How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja
Page 20
He placed a polished stone on a patch of soil, marking the unadorned grave. He pressed and turned it until it was firmly embedded into the soft dirt.
It read: Here lies Duke H. Dallas. Gunslinger. Ship Captain. Booze Man. Father.
He stood up and tried his best to soak in all of the beauty that surrounded him. He removed his hat and let the Neprian sun beat down upon him, feeling each ray permeate his skin. The sweet smell of the valley’s grass swirled around his nostrils. He inhaled, filling his lungs with its effervescent aroma.
“Hey,” said Ja’a, tugging on his arm. “Are you okay?”
Duke turned to look at her. She was still as stunning as the day he had first seen her in the cave. It seemed like so long ago.
“Yes,” he replied, “the best I’ve ever felt.”
“Are you sure? You could have stayed with Ishiro’shea and the bar.” She stared at the ground. “I would have made sure your father was buried properly.”
“Ja’a, I didn’t want to stay. I want to be here, with you.”
He grabbed her chin gently, lifting her head until their eyes met. He kissed her.
“We can always go back,” said the Neprian.
“You’re kinda in charge of this planet, remember?” Duke jabbed. “I don’t think you can just pick up and go on a vacation to Kelt on a whim. Besides, there’s not a warp station within a lifetime’s voyage that we know about, even in a ship as impressive as the Deus.”
“True.”
“And, in case you forgot, this is all we have left of Queen Joe’s present.”
Duke extended his hand, his fingers daintily pinching a strand of twine. The twine, in turn, supported a leathery purse no bigger than Duke’s fist. He emptied its contents into his other hand, open and facing the sky. Out poured a stream of sand, rocky and metallic, forming a tiny mound in the bounty hunter’s palm.
“This is the last of any magic orbs that we’ll ever have to see again.”
“And your ticket home,” Ja’a added.
Duke grinned and, with one massive exhalation, blew the pile of ground-up Orb into the gentle breeze of the Valley of the Grundar.
“This is my home,” he said.
Ja’a gave Duke another kiss.
“We should probably get going if we’re going to make it to Sansagon tonight. I know the grundar are fast but I don’t want to be late.”
Why didn’t we take the Deus again? thought Duke.
“It would be rude for us to be late,” Ja’a continued. “Plus, Vernglet is so eager to hear about your escapades. He won’t stop asking me about them. And I’m making soufflés tonight. I think I’ve mastered them, finally.”
Happiness overcame the bounty hunter. Finally.
“I’ll meet you back at the grundar. Can I have a few more moments with my dad?”
Ja’a squeezed his hand and headed back to the edge of the valley where their winged feline transportation awaited to take them to Sansagon.
Duke looked down at his father’s headstone. “I wish you could’ve been on some of Ish’s and my adventures. You woulda loved ‘em, Dad. Women, whisky, and weaponry. We had this one trick, it always worked. I would say ‘Have you ever seen someone cut off their own head…’ Never mind, you had to be there, I guess.” The bounty hunter sighed. “We did some good, though. I don’t know if I woulda always made you proud but, then again, you weren’t exactly perfect either. I know, I know, water under the bridge. You did save my life and, kinda, the universe, so I’ll give you a pass on the leaving-me-when-I-was-a-kid thing. But, seriously, I wish you woulda been there. You woulda loved Ish too. I had the best friend a degenerate loudmouth bounty hunter could’ve ever had. And he was the damn Salutatorian. I really hope that I can make it on my own without him. And Queen Joe, for that matter. I don’t know how the universe is going to make it without her. But, as long as Cyborg Joe’s is around, the universe has a fighting chance.”
He looked up into the Neprian sky again. “I finally found someone that makes me think about someone other than myself... and I’m fairly confident that she won’t align herself with a maniacal overlord bent on universal domination. At least I hope not. That wouldn’t happen twice to the same person, would it? I think you’d approve of Ja’a. And if you didn’t, she’d probably beat your ass. She’s like no one else I’ve ever met. And apparently, she’s moving her entire race into the ‘soufflé stage.’ Impressive, right?” Duke took in another breath of fresh Neprian air. “Holy hedgehogs, I nearly forgot. The news of what you did reached Hefty Senchax. He was so moved that he named his ship, a bar, and a casino after you. I think he even petitioned to change the name of T’ckuvu Prime to T’ckuvu Duke. If it happens, I’ll make sure to come out here and tell ya’.”
The bounty hunter wiped the newly formed tears from his cheeks. “Anyways, I gotta go now. The Shepherd of the Grundar, Fazeek, said that he’d watch over you. You’ll be able to rest here for as long as you need.” He removed his hat and put it over his heart. “Rest easy, Duke Dallas. Enjoy Neprius. It’s a good home.”
The bounty hunter walked back to Ja’a and the pair of winged panthers waiting restlessly. Ja’a handed Duke the reins and he vaulted himself onto the back of his grundar. A coordinated combination of the flapping of the creatures’ powerful wings and the propulsion from their muscular hindquarters thrust the duo into the sky. After another flap, they had cleared the valley ridge and were high above the northern land mass of Neprius.
“You know, Ja’a, I just had an idea,” said Duke.
“What’s that?”
“I think I’m going to open up a bar. Cyborg Joe’s, Neprius branch. I doubt the franchise fees would be that much. Ish would probably cut me a deal. And you can probably help me fast-track some real estate for it.”
Ja’a shook her head with a smile, gave the reins a tug, and her grundar accelerated out in front of Duke and his steed.
“Fine. We can table it for now, honey,” he shouted.
Ja’a did not turn around.
The bounty hunter closed his eyes and let the wind splash against his face as he darted through the dimming Neprian sky.
He began humming the Nova Texan Planetary Anthem.
THE END
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About the Author
©JAY KEY 2018
JAY KEY knew at a young age that he wanted to be the world's first professional wrestler turned fraternity president turned digital media executive turned Society of Vertebrate Paleontology-approved blog writer turned science-fiction comedy author. At various points, Key called Dallas, San Francisco, and Los Angeles home—but it wasn’t until a move to Chicago that writing professionally became a reality. Authoring a serialized version of The Adventures of Duke LaGrange and a popular blog on the paleobiological accuracy of dinosaurs in pop culture, Key used that momentum to complete How to to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja in 2017. It debuted with Star Wheel Books in 2018.
Jay now lives in a suburb of Dallas-Fort Worth with his wife, Shelley, their daughter, Finley, and their French bulldog, Olive.