by A. P. Marie
Sure enough, when I enter the kitchen Zander is sitting at the table reading a newspaper and Caiden is walking around gathering supplies for his coffee. I grab a bagel and pop it into the toaster. It strikes me that Caiden doesn’t know they are off the hook yet, and that I have decided to talk to them again.
“Morning, Caiden.” I say cheerfully, as we pass each other. He looks up from tinkering with his coffee, slightly surprised but definitely pleased. “I figured I should let you know that I’m not giving you the cold shoulder anymore.” I flash him a bright smile.
“Thank God!” He walks over to me, wraps his arms around me, and swings me in a circle. I giggle happily and when he puts me down, he plants a light kiss on my cheek. My eyes flash instantly to Zander and I see a flash of anger cross his eyes before he reals it in. “Zander, did you hear? She’s talking to us again!” Caiden asks his cousin, happily.
“Mmm. I may have heard something about that.” He mumbles without looking up from his paper. I release an audible huff of relief at Zander’s nonchalance.
“So, what should we do today?” Caiden asks as he pulls my seat out at the table for me. “Wanna watch a movie?”
“Ooh, do you think we can watch that movie about the boxer? The one we were talking about, before?” I ask Caiden. Before I was kidnapped, we had been talking about an old boxing movie that apparently is some sort of classic, but I’ve never seen it. We always said we were going to watch it, but something always came up.
“Yes! That’s perfect. I’ve been wanting to see that again.”
I smile warmly at Caiden’s enthusiasm.
This is why I spent so much time with him in the beginning. He is honest to goodness the happiest human being I know. That and the honesty were the things I loved the most about him. My face darkens slightly as I think about how “honest” Caiden has been with me. I have to work hard to reign my anger in, but I know it is necessary. I said I was letting them off the hook and I meant it. Fixating on their mistakes won’t help that.
“You in, Zander?” Caiden asks amicably. Zander barely looks up from his newspaper.
“Nah. I’ve got a lot of work to do today. I’ll see you guys later.”
When Caiden and I have both finished our breakfast we stand up to leave. As we leave the kitchen that addiction that is Zander wiggles under my skin. I don’t want to leave his side. Ever. I shake my head in frustration at my stupid body, but I can’t help but turn back to look at him as I’m leaving. I want to know if he has the same issues with our separation that I have.
Zander is watching me walk away with Caiden and when he sees me watching, he schools his features. Not fast enough though. I caught a dark look as it crossed his face. It said jealousy. It said anger. It said possession.
Halfway through the movie I realize that I haven’t noticed more than a few scenes. My brain keeps traveling to that look that crossed Zander’s face as we left. I barely know Zander. Sure, we have fooled around a few times, but we’re not together.
My biggest fear has been how he would react to sealing the deal between us. My body wanted it, there is no denying that. But I don’t want Zander to think it means something that it doesn’t. I haven’t changed my mind about this mate thing. I don’t want to be his mate. I don’t want to be anyone’s mate.
Especially considering the complication that is Caiden. Caiden is the best friend I have ever had. That may seem strange considering I have only known him for a few years, but no other relationship comes close to what I have with Caiden. Despite everything I have learned, I know I could trust Caiden with all my secrets.
I watch Caiden watch the movie. About 15 minutes into the movie Caiden grabbed my ankles and placed them in his lap. Since then he has been absentmindedly rubbing my feet. This situation is so familiar I have to fight the feeling of déjà vu. All those nights at his apartment were spent in much the same way.
Before Caiden, I had never grown close with anyone. I can count on one hand the amount of people who have touched me beyond just a casual bump in passing. Even my foster families seemed to adopt a pretty strict no touching or hugging policy. I suppose it was because they were waiting on me to get comfortable with them. It’s not their fault that I never stayed long enough to get comfortable.
Then Caiden came into the picture. With his casual foot rubs. His long hugs. His comforting touch on my shoulder or arm. Unfortunately, I can now see what my inexperience allowed me to miss. Normal physical contact doesn’t feel the way I feel when Caiden touches me.
It’s not as strong as what I feel when Zander touches me. That is an entirely physical reaction that immediately tells me to jump his bones. No, this is different. This is that essence of wholeness. I thought it was a by-product of physical contact, but now I know better, because touching Jacob doesn’t feel anything like this. What I feel with Caiden is an echo of my reaction to Zander.
Maybe it’s because of the mating, or maybe it’s something else, but my body is inclined to be nearer to him. No, that’s not right. It’s not my body. It’s something deeper. Farther inside. My body yearns for Zander. I can feel that, even know. But this other feeling yearns for closeness with Caiden.
“Caiden, can I ask you a question?” Immediately I have Caiden’s full attention. The movie he was so into a minute ago all but forgotten.
“Anything, Emily.” Truth. Sincerity. That’s what I feel from Caiden.
“What exactly does the mating ritual look like? What actually happens?” This has been bugging me since I was exposed to the truth of my existence, but I didn’t want to ask Zander. I guess in some ways, I’m just not as comfortable with Zander.
Caiden ponders this a moment. It’s not in a way that makes me think he is trying to decide what to tell me. More like, he is trying to decide where to start.
“Which ritual? The first one, or the final ceremony?”
I want to know about them both, but I’m a little afraid of what I might hear so I start with the easiest one. “The first one.”
“That one is pretty simple. It has to be overseen by a full angel, normally a member of the council will be present, and you need a blessed cup. The parents draw blood from both participants and mix it together in the cup. Then the angel says a prayer asking for God’s guidance. There is some powder mixed with the blood and then it is set on fire. If the blood burns a blue flame, then the mating is blessed by God. If it burns red, then the mating is not completed.”
He shrugs nonchalantly, like all of this is no big deal.
“What would cause the blood to burn red instead of blue?” Having not grown up particularly religious (except for the brief stint with foster family 3) it seems strange to me that there is this direct communication from God. An opportunity for him to tell us if we are on His path or not.
“If God doesn’t bless the pairing. He could withhold his blessing for any reason really. For instance, if either party is already mated, He will not approve the pairing.” At this he looks at me pointedly. “Or if He has a plan for either participant that does not include the other. We never really know why He refuses. Just that He does.”
“Okay, two more questions. 1. How did I wind up mated twice if he will not approve a pairing if either party had already been mated? And 2. How often does a pairing get denied?” In my interest in the conversation, I lean towards Caiden.
He laughs lightly at my eagerness and then says, “Well, we don’t actually know why you were able to be mated twice. I, and many others, believed that the fact that the mating ritual was accepted with me meant that your pairing with Zander was incomplete. Although, now that I have seen you with him, I have had to… alter my thoughts. Secondly, pairings get denied relatively often. I don’t know if an actual statistic exists or has been figured but maybe about a quarter of the time? God has many plans that he does not share with us. In our ignorance we are capable of making decisions that go against His will.”
For some reason I feel immensely sad at his words. It’s clear that
talking about my mating ritual with Zander is hard for him so I scoot closer to him. It’s almost an inherent reaction but I need him to cheer up. His worry and sadness are creeping into my body, affecting me on a bone deep level. I know it’s insensitive and I want to make this better for him, but I also need the truth. I need to really know what is going on with me.
“Why has watching me with Zander made you change your mind?” I’m trying to think about all the interactions I have had with Zander in front of Caiden, but I can’t think of anything. Considering I only even started talking to him yesterday.
“It’s clear that you two have a connection. I doubt you notice it but you two orient yourselves around each other whenever you are in a room together. I’ve seen it when we are watching a movie or you’re reading a book and you continually slide closer to him.” He raises his hand when I open my mouth to explain. “I know you aren’t doing it to hurt me. But it’s clear that the mating ritual with Zander was effective, in part. But Emily,” at this he turns so he is completely facing me, my knees brushing against his on the couch. “I know that our mating ritual was legitimate also. I can feel our connection too. Somehow, you have done the impossible. It is not possible to have two ordained mates. And yet, you do.”
He brushes his fingertips lightly over my cheekbone and I shiver in response. My heart is urging me to lean into his hand. To help take that sadness from him. My brain, on the other hand, tells me to lean away. This isn’t the hand my body wants me leaning into.
“What happens in the final mating ceremony?” I have to close my eyes when I ask this. I can’t keep looking into his eyes, into his face, and have any hope of stringing together coherent thoughts.
“That one is a little different. It doesn’t require the presence of anyone except the mated pair. They speak a sacred oath and then share each other’s bodies.” Caiden’s cheeks redden as he answers but his fingertips slip around below my ear to rest on the back of my neck. Our faces are close enough that I can feel his breath fanning against my lips.
I lean my forehead against his, unable to continue fighting the urge to get closer. I’m not a slut. I never have been. Zander was the first person I ever had sex with or did anything sexual with at all. But some part of me is telling me to get closer to Caiden. I have the urge to crawl on to Caiden’s lap. Not in the same way I have crawled onto Zander’s lap. That was all passion. It was heat and desire. This is something deeper. This is closeness, soul to soul.
“I assume you mean sex. The couple says an oath and then have sex?” Caiden nods his head causing mine to nod along with him. At the top of his nod our lips are so near I can almost taste him.
“How does anyone know it was completed? Couldn’t you just say it was completed but not actually do it?”
I recognize my question seems juvenile but I’m curious about the idea that no one is present for the ceremony at all. It seems like couples could say they had completed the ceremony without actually completing it. In the hazy state caused by Caiden’s nearness I can’t figure out what motivation someone would have for that, but it seems like a possibility.
“People would know. After the mating ritual is complete there are some changes in the couple. For one, the need to be near each other becomes impossible to resist. A truly mated pair could only stay away from each other for a short time. Also, the female’s scent changes. Unmated females have a scent that lets others know they are available. Once the ritual happens you will have a smell that warns males away from you.”
This, of all things, causes me to open my eyes. “Wait, I’d start stinking? No way in hell I’m ever doing that.” Caiden laughs openly at my comment and his eyes show utter adoration.
“No, you won’t stink. You probably wouldn’t even notice the difference. It’s just something men notice. Almost like your pheromones have changed.”
I close my eyes again contemplating all that I have learned. In my mind I made the mating rituals in to some dark, scary thing that involved a bunch of old men standing around in long dark robes chanting by candlelight. This seems much more manageable.
“How old were we?” I motion with my hand between our chests and when I set it down it settles on his thigh. My brain shouts at me to move my hand. It tells me that I’m sending the wrong signal. It’s begging me to go find Zander. But my heart thrills at the contact. Like that first spring day after a long, hard winter. There is not a logical reason your heart soars and jumps but it does and there is no denying it.
“You were two. I was four… Zander was five.” He adds the last on with a hardening in his voice. “Your parents took off immediately after our mating ritual was complete. From what we can tell, they stayed on the run with you for about a year before they dropped you off at the hospital.”
By the end, Caiden’s voice has lowered and become as smooth as chocolate. He is trying to comfort me, afraid that his words might upset me. His voice doesn’t just comfort this most recent comment though. When he talks to me like that, soothing and comforting, I forget that anything has ever been wrong in my life. He soothes all my troubles away.
I scoot even closer to him on the couch where we are still sitting connected by our foreheads. Call me selfish, but I need to be nearer to the source of that comfort. I just know that if I were to get close enough, he could sooth every fear and worry and stress from me.
His body is not as large as Zander’s or as trim. Zander clearly works out often and while Caiden has muscles, they seem to be muscles from hard work, not the gym. He’s also shorter than Zander. Where Zander is about 6’5”, Caiden is probably 6’3”. They don’t look alike. I would never have known they were related without them telling me.
And yet, there are some similarities. My reaction to them both, for one. I’m practically sitting in Caiden’s lap after having slept with Zander last night. Guilt shakes me to my core.
“I slept with Zander.” I spit the words out quickly hoping that it’ll make them hurt less.
Caiden jerks back like I slapped him, the hurt plain on his face. I try to go into recovery mode because I can’t stand the hurt in his eyes. More than that, I can’t stand the hurt in his heart. I can actually feel it seeping into my own heart, heightening my guilt and self-loathing.
“I’m so sorry, Caiden. I didn’t really plan it. It just sort of happened. We have never actually been together, and I didn’t really know how you felt about me and I have this feeling when he is--” Caiden raises his hand to cut off my blubbering.
“I really don’t want to hear how he makes you feel.” Caiden’s normally warm voice has deserted him. He’s never spoken to me like this. Cold and detached. He sounds like the Caiden I heard in the office when he first showed up here.
“I’m so sorry, Caiden. I really am. I didn’t know.”
The truth is, I still don’t know. Caiden has been my best friend for quite a while. It wasn’t until I saw the look in his eyes that I realized that he might have deeper feelings for me than that. Even learning we were mated didn’t change my thoughts about our relationship. The mating ritual happened when we were toddlers. He didn’t choose me. I had no idea that he felt this way about me.
It’s clear now though that his feelings are much deeper than friendship. I can feel his betrayal and hurt in my chest like it’s my own pain. It is my own pain. My chest is urging me to fix this. Say whatever, do whatever it takes to let him know…
To let him know what though? I don’t know how I feel. My heart says I love Caiden, but what kind of love does it mean? My brain tells me that I need Zander. I don’t know where I really stand. Is one body part more me than another? Which one is telling the truth?
“Caiden, I never wanted to hurt you. I- I- You’re my best friend.” I stutter lamely.
Caiden scoffs, “Emily, I’m more than your best friend. When will you admit that? You’re right. I never told you how I feel. But goddammit, Emily, everyone could see. What did you think? I just showed up at my King’s house demanding he release you
for shits and giggles? He could have had me arrested. He could have stripped my position. I came here because I love you and I would risk anything to make sure that you are safe.” Truth. Caiden glares daggers at me and I swear I can feel their impact with his words.
“Caiden, you don’t love me. You barely know me.” I try to say this softly, to dampen the blow. He can’t love me. He just can’t.
At this Caiden laughs. “Emily, I have loved you for my entire life.”
“That’s just this mating thing. You would feel different if you weren’t mated to me.” I can’t look Caiden in the eyes as I tell him my greatest fear. My body is split on a lot of things lately but every ounce of me is terrified that neither of these men would be here if it weren’t for the mating ritual that was performed on them without their permission.
“Is that what you think? That the only reason I feel this way, is because of the ritual?” I nod weakly still refusing to make eye contact as I feel a silent tear slide down my cheek. I swipe at it angrily. I used to never cry in front of people but since I’ve been here, I’ve cried more often than not.
“Emily, that’s not the only thing that is between us. The mating ritual causes some pretty strong emotions: possessiveness, loyalty, protectiveness to name a few. But it doesn’t create love. Not by itself. I’ll admit that I entered your life because you are my mate. But it has nothing to do with why I’m here now. I fell in love with you. Completely separate from the feelings created by the ritual. I fell in love with you every time you refused my help. I fell in love with you as I watched you struggle everyday but wake up the next with a smile. I fell in love with you as I saw you fight your inner-demons and master your fears. I love who you are. The fact that you are also my mate just puts icing on my cake.” Truth.