It Pours

by C D Cain

  “Talk about yesterday. You want to talk about yesterday.” She walked around the kitchen island and sat at the breakfast table. “I’m not sure there is much to talk about.”

  “Oh, isn’t there?” I started to walk toward her but she turned to the window as if hoping I wouldn’t come any closer. Not that I minded her taking those eyes away from me to look out into the backyard.

  “I suppose there is one question I have to ask.”

  “Yes and what is that?” Slowly I took a step closer to her and hoped she wouldn’t hear my footsteps on the tile flooring.

  She kept her attention fixated on the willow tree outside the large bay window for what seemed like forever. “Was that my son-in-law?”

  I stopped my steps. “I’m sorry. What?”

  She turned in her chair to face me. Her eyes still held the same emotion as the one earlier yet this time my knees didn’t threaten to give way. She propped her arm on the back of the chair. “I said.” She looked directly at me as if daring me to not answer her question. “Did I meet my son-in-law yesterday?”

  I was horrified. The contempt I felt with her words…with her accusation caused a rancid taste in my mouth. I suppose it was in that moment of feeling protection for Mo I realized I loved her. I wouldn’t allow Charlie Grace to compare her to a man or insinuate she to be like a son-in-law. I had the sickening thought of Charlie Grace’s actions causing Mo to leave me—to end whatever it was we had or were trying to develop. Not that Mo was even thinking of anything developing. She had made that all too obvious. Which bothered me the most was difficult to answer.

  “I find that question to be completely crass and uncalled for.”

  “Oh did I offend you? Did you not like the way I referred to the nearly nude woman I found in your home yesterday? The nude woman who obviously has such high morals that she had sex with an engaged woman.”

  “I’m not engaged.”

  “Don’t remind me. I was there. Remember? The night you made a spectacle of the entire evening. Did you break off your engagement because of her?”

  “Not because of her.” I walked to stand in between her and the window she tried to look around me to see. “Let’s forget her for a moment.”

  “I’d like to forget her for more than a moment if it suits you just fine.”

  “Mother, please. I’m trying here.” I sat down in the chair across from her. “It’s not about her. It’s not really about Grant. Even though he and I grew to want other things in our lives, this has nothing to do with him either.” I pointed my finger at my chest and tapped my sternum. “This is about me. Only me. No one else. This is who I am.”

  “Don’t be absurd, Rayne. You don’t just turn gay overnight.”

  “No.” I shook my head in agreement. “No, you don’t. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I never had the strength to accept it until recently.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I’m not.” I reached for her hand but she pulled it away and dropped it under the table.

  “What?” She looked down at her lap. “What did I do wrong? Are you so angry with me that you would do this to me? Do you have such ill feeling toward me that this was a way to get back at me?”

  I continued to shake my head “No” to all of the things she kept saying. “No. No. That’s not it at all. This isn’t a choice I made to get back at you or to punish you. It’s not a choice at all.”

  “Don’t fool yourself young lady.” She lifted her head. “This most certainly is a choice.”

  “How? How do you figure this is a choice?”

  “Because it is. You are choosing the path to sin. You are choosing a path against God…a direct abomination against him. You are to repent and pray for forgiveness. Choose to have faith in the word and not let yourself be tempted. You can choose to not be this way. To not act on those urges and live the life you are supposed to live.”

  “Supposed to live by whose design?”

  “By God’s. There is no gray line here, Rayne. You are choosing a life of sin and fornication.”

  “I committed fornication with Grant but I don’t seem to remember you getting all up in arms about it.”

  She pushed her chair away from the table and stood up. “I’ll not sit here and continue this any further.”

  I stood to meet her. “Mother, wait.” I reached for her arm and this time made contact before she could pull away. I felt the muscles of her forearm tighten as she tried to pull her arm free. “Please just wait. Let’s not be like this.”

  “Are you going to continue to live this way?”

  “I’m going to continue to live the way I feel is for me. I’m going to continue to follow what I feel…yes.”

  Her chin gave a small quiver. “Then I can’t love you this way.”

  I fell back into the chair and was thankful for its support. “You’re my mother.” I wished the wooden seat could magically transport me to another time…another place. One that didn’t have the words she had spoken hanging in the air—sharp and quick with the need to cut. “You’re my mother. You’re supposed to love me no matter what.”

  She started to turn away but shifted her shoulder to look at me again. There was no hesitation in her voice nor was there doubt behind her eyes. “I can’t love you like this.” She turned on her heels and walked to the door. Her back stiffened as she stopped just inside of the doorway. “I can’t love a daughter I know in my heart I will not see in eternal Heaven. You’re an abomination to all that I believe in. I’m sorry I ever gave birth to you.”

  Crack.

  Fissure.

  Break.

  Two steps later, she was gone. I sat in the quiet for several minutes, unsure if I was waiting for her return or if I merely lacked the power to stand on my own two feet. Of course, I knew this would not be easy for her to accept. Hell, it was damn hard for me to much less her. Yet I had never entertained the thought her reaction would be this strong. Who could look their own daughter directly in the eyes and tell them they were no longer or could no longer be loved because of who they fundamentally were? How could a mother feel, much less say, she hated her child to the point she longed for the day they had not been born?

  Had I been cursed with such a woman for a mother or did she feel as the majority of those felt? Flossie had given me a glimpse into a very different response. Was hers and Memaw an example of how others in the town would feel or would they be closer to Charlie Grace? The better question was…could I handle it if they were?

  Chapter 26

  I had been to the cabin this time of year—maybe not many times, but enough to where I wasn’t expecting it to feel as differently as it felt today. I suppose December in the south was different than many other states. Our December most likely felt like their fall season. The leaves had browned and dried but many still remained attached to their branches. The sound from them was coarse when the breeze rustled them.

  The sun’s light was bright with enough warmth to keep my body comfortable as I sat out on the dock. The drive here had reminded me of those long ago before I had left for medical school. The days when I drove with Memaw to our place on the bayou. The days when I tried wholeheartedly to soak up every ounce of the feel of my home. I felt the pull of losing the one place that centered me in this world. The one comfort I had when all else was lost.

  Today I drove here again with the same looming need to once again absorb every facet of Louisiana. It wouldn’t be something taking me away this time but something pushing me away. I lay back against the wood and stared at the cloudless sky. The blue called me to remember the other comfort I once had. There had been two sets of blue eyes that had held me with the only tenderness I had ever known. Two sets I would undoubtedly never see again. Two sets that would hold the key to shaking the pit of loneliness I felt myself falling into.

  I reached into my pocket and pulled the phone up to search for Sam’s number. I ran my thumb over the screen as if miraculously the letters of her
name would be in braille, allowing me to feel them against my skin. I dare not hit the number to hear the recording I knew in my heart would never change or worse the voice of the person who owned the recycled number.

  My whole body was startled with the shadowed darkness of the sun no longer being cast upon my face. I opened my eyes to see a larger than life looking Flossie standing over me.

  “Hey, baby girl. I knew’d you’d be out here.” She shifted her weight and I squinted to the brightness of the light no longer shielded by her body. “Mind if’n I take a seat?”

  “Not at all.” I sat up to scoot over so she would have enough room on the edge of the dock.

  “How you doing?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  “Yep, I imagine dat’s ‘bout right.”

  “How did you know I was here? Did Charlie Grace call you?”

  “Nope. I hadn’t heard a peep outta her until I went over there dis morning.” She wiggled her feet as they hung off the edge of the dock. “And truth be told it tweren’t her dat told me a thing. It be Jacques. He’s mighty upset with’n her. Mighty upset. In fact dat man left right behind me. Said he had to get away before he done said words he can’t take back.” She looked at me. “Dat man worried about you. He gots lots of love for you. Plum near broke dis old lady down to see dat much hurtin’ in his eyes. He done asked me to find you. I didn’t think you’d a wantin’ me to bring him out here tho.”

  “No. This place is too dear to me to have it exposed. I don’t think he could keep it from Charlie Grace. Plus I wouldn’t want to put him in a position to have to keep secrets from her.” I pulled at a piece of splintered wood underneath my finger. “So you didn’t see her or talk to her.”

  “Nope.”

  I felt a tightness in my throat. I was unsure as to how much Flossie knew. How much anyone or everyone would know. “What all do you know?”

  “From what I can piece together it done sound like you got caught with’n yo’ hand in the cookie jar.”

  “Something like that.” I pulled the splintered wood completely free and played with it in my hands. “It was horrible, Flossie. If ever there was a wrong way to come out…that was it.”

  “Aw hell, sis. None of us gone have life figured out and about the time we done think we do something gonna slap us in the face. You can plan all you be wanting don’t mean it gonna happen dat way.”

  “This would definitely fall into that category. Do you know she told Grant?”

  She turned from gazing at the water and squinted at me. “Yep. Dat little piece right der part of the reason old Jacques fit to be tied. He done tired of her sticking her nose in yo business.” She put her hand over the top of mine. “It look like to me with these here old eyes dat it all in place fo you now.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It all out now. Maybe not the way you were a’wanting but it all out. You free to do what you want. Free to live the way you be wanting.”

  “Yeah. Free to be alone. Free to not have a home to come back to anymore.”

  “What you spouting off?”

  I threw the piece of wood out into the water. “I’m not welcome here anymore, Flossie. Charlie Grace told me she couldn’t love me like this. That she couldn’t love a daughter who was going to hell.” I covered my eyes with my hands and rubbed the tears away.

  Flossie straightened the slump in her back. “She said dat to you? She said dem words to you?”

  “Well, she didn’t say the word ‘hell’ but, yeah, pretty much everything else. She said she couldn’t love me if I was like this. Said she wouldn’t see me in eternal life. Didn’t leave much to the imagination that she was basically telling me I was going straight to hell. She said she wished she had never given birth to me.”

  The paper-thin skin of Flossie’s hand tightened across her knuckles as she balled her fingers into a fist. “Oooooh. Dat woman gone bring a hurtin’ on herself she speak dem words around me. Addie done turning over in her grave right ‘bout now. Charlie Grace done said dem words gone make me face her.” Her voice was elevated and shook with emotion.

  I placed a reassuring hand on her arm. “Don’t get worked up about it. I mean you know she probably feels like most will feel when all of this comes out. They aren’t going to think like you and Meems.”

  She turned her body to face me. “How you know’d dat? You ever talked to any of dem ‘bout dis? You ever given any of dem a chance? Yo momma ain’t speakin’ for dis town, sweet girl. She ain’t the voice of dis town. I’d venture to say many a folk gone be might pissed off they ever know dem words she done said to you.”

  “Flossie, I have to face facts. Face the truth. I can’t pretend it’ll all be okay and I can just move back here as if nothing has changed.”

  “And what done changed?”

  “I’m a lesbian!” I didn’t mean to yell.

  “What? You tweren’t no lesbian when you were home for Thanksgiving? What you all of a sudden been dis woman? You gone tell me you not have these same feelings…been dis same woman last Thanksgiving when Addie and I done watched you with your friend?”

  “No.” I ran my finger over the roughened wood I had pulled the piece from. “I’m not saying that.”

  “We all done loved you den. We all gone love you now. You ain’t no different den the girl we done watched grow up into a fine young woman.”

  I looked up into her eyes. They weren’t blue like the ones I had thought of a few minutes ago but they were tender. “Do you really believe that?”

  “With all my heart.” She shook her head with emphasis and pulled me in tightly for a hug.

  Brown sugar and honey.

  “You gotta give us a chance,” she whispered. “Give yo’ people a chance. Dis town a chance.”

  The vibration of my phone interrupted her hug. My heart leapt into my throat for fear it was Charlie Grace’s name on the caller id screen. I doubted I could handle anymore of her words.

  Flossie’s eyes followed mine to the phone in my lap. “Dat one of your new friends?”

  Mo’s name flashed on the screen and I felt a smile try to take over the hurt. “Yes, it is.”

  She smiled back at me. “Den why don’t you answer dat while I go call Jacques and get these groceries cooked up.” She pointed to the pickup truck pulled up to the house.

  “You’re staying with me?”

  “Always.” She stood up. “Now you best be gettin dat phone.”

  “I think I will.” I pushed the button to accept the call while I let the happiness of seeing her name, the excitement of hearing her voice soar through me. It was quickly followed by a nervousness as to why she was calling.

  ”Hi.”

  “Hi. Jaz told me you went home.” She sounded nervous too. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m hanging in.”

  “Me too.” She paused. “So, how bad is it?”

  “Probably as bad as you could imagine.”

  “Are you coming back to Birmingham?”

  A large oak leaf drained of its color floated in the breeze that blew high in the trees. I watched its stem hold firmly onto the branch as the wind lifted it up within its current. “Not right now. I’m drained. Physically. Emotionally. I’m just drained. I honestly don’t think I could make the drive until I can get a little bit of rest.”

  “Do you have friends there you can stay with or are you staying with your mother?”

  “Oh no. I’m not welcome there. If I have any doubts or confusion in all of this, that’s one thing I can hold certain. I’m not welcome in my home.” I watched Flossie carry grocery bags from the truck into the cabin. She caught me looking at her and she waved. “But I’m not alone. I’m staying with a friend.” I paused. “No, I’m staying with family at my cabin.”

  She was quiet except for her breathing. “Hey, Rayne?”

  “Yes?”

  “Do you have doubts and confusion?”

  “Well, yeah…of course I do.”

  “
About being a lesbian?”

  I watched the leaf take another ride in the force of the wind. “Not about being who I am. Not about that. I have my doubts as to what the road ahead will be but not about who I am.”

  “And what are your thoughts about me? Do you have doubts and confusion about me?” Her voice was even more nervous than it was before.

  “Well…to be honest…I’m a little confused. I’m surprised you called.”

  “Can’t say I blame you there. And doubts?”

  “No. I can’t say I have those. In fact, I’ve actually never been more sure of what I want from you.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “This that you want, would it be the same you asked me for in your apartment?”

  “The very same.”

  She took in a deep breath. “And what if I disappoint you?”

  “You’re here. That’s what’s important to me right now. For once I want to live in today and not my carefully planned out future.”

  “Well, alright then.” I heard her smile in her words. “So what are you doing tomorrow?”

  The breeze was becoming cooler as it lowered closer to the water. I drew my legs up against me to try to overcome the damp chill of it. “Tomorrow? I’m not sure. Why? What do you have in mind?”

  “I was thinking maybe you could drive over to Baton Rouge and pick me up at the airport.”

  “You’re flying into Louisiana tomorrow?”

  “I thought maybe you could use some company driving back.” She hesitated for a moment. “And besides…I missed you. I need to see you.”

  The smile I had felt when I saw her name as the caller was nothing compared to the smile I was wearing now. “Watch out, Mo. You’re getting dangerously close to acting like a girlfriend.”

  She laughed. “I know. It’s pretty scary, isn’t it?”

  “Not to me, but how are you handling it?”

  “I think it might look good on me.”

  I caught sight of the leaf as its stem gave away from the branch to be carried gently in the air until it landed on the surface of the bayou. Its ripple altered the mirrored reflection of the trees lining the water’s edge. It floated away until it was lost in the brilliance of the sun on the water. It was free to drift into parts unknown. There wasn’t a way to know what was beyond the future immediately in front of me. There wasn’t a way to see past the sun’s light. Yet I was free of the branch that held my stem. Free to set my own path as I drifted into the next phase of my life.