by Mallory Hill
He still had hope. That was remarkable. He had hope in this horrible place after the whole world had turned against him.
“Truth,” I said, still a little dazed by his courage.
He rolled his eyes. “Should we even bother asking? Fine. What about you? Let’s hear all your boyfriend secrets.”
Well, I’d set myself up for that. I hated having to admit how unattractive I was.
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”
“You have to. It’s the rules.”
“No. There’s nothing to tell. I’m not really the dateable type.” I felt myself turn red.
He raised an eyebrow. “How do you figure?”
“Who wants to date someone suicidal? When you want to take your life, you don’t really try to be personable. You just drift. It’s passionless and bleak. There’s no love story in that.”
“It’s funny you should say that. I happen to find passionless, bleak relationships very romantic.” He smiled. I guess it was sweet of him to try to make me seem normal, but I wished he wouldn’t treat me like I always needed cheering up.
“Yeah, well…” I awkwardly tried to let the subject die.
“But is that something you’d want?” he asked, prolonging my discomfort.
“I mean, sure. Who wouldn’t want that? I just… When I was a kid, my parents loved each other so much, like disgustingly. And I guess I always thought I’d find something like that, somebody who just got me, shared my strange passions and…” I glanced at him, hoping my sappy revelation of my childhood hopes and dreams wasn’t too off-putting. “Anyway, then they were separated and I grew up and…no happily ever after. So forgive me, but I’m afraid I have no boyfriend secrets to share.”
I could see the pity in his eyes and the words of encouragement flocking to his brain. It was always the same. I locked myself into a false smile and prepared to accept whatever clichéd advice he threw at me.
“Okay, I’ll ask a different question,” he said, totally changing the game. “Did you have friends? Do you have any stories of social encounters?”
Well if that wasn’t the plot twist of the century. I was a little disoriented there for a second and drew a blank on the first couple decades of my life.
“Well, there was Patrick,” I remembered eventually. “Our parents were artists, so we hung out at all the events. We were just cynical, non-artistic allies. There isn’t much to tell. I guess he’s a doctor now or something.”
I hadn’t thought of him in ages. He was probably doing well in his new career. He probably didn’t even know I was gone.
“Prestigious,” Will acknowledged. “Is he a handsome doctor?”
I shrugged. “He’s not bad. He also hasn’t been single since he emerged from the womb.”
“Well, you just can’t catch a break, can you? All right, give me another truth.”
I sighed. “Let’s see. I think I know most of your secrets. You talk a lot on damaged days.”
“Well, that’s terrifying. Maybe it’s time for a dare?”
I’d never been good at daring. I didn’t have the same anxieties as normal people.
“Okay, I dare you to…” I got an idea. “I dare you to crash the farm on your next off day.”
He looked at me like I was crazy. “I beg your pardon?”
“Come do farm work for a day. It’s not like you have other plans, right?”
“Well, no. Is that allowed?”
I remembered his concern if our living arrangement were discovered. There may have been a chance we’d face trouble of some sort, but I doubted Grant would even notice, much less care what I did during my time off.
I shrugged. “They don’t tell us things like that. I’m not saying clock in, just show up and pretend you belong. See if we can mess with people.”
“Let me get this straight. You want me to mess with the delicate minds of people who attempted suicide?”
I rolled my eyes. “We’re not that delicate. Besides, there aren’t a lot of dare options.”
“Yeah, I think I might actually enjoy that.”
I suppressed the urge to make some sarcastic remark. The farm was far from ideal with its dirt and allergens and drama.
“Really?”
He nodded. “Yeah, minus the messing with people part. It’s a chance to actually talk to someone. At work, I’m lucky if I can say much of anything before the guy in the next cell is fried.”
His situation was obviously far less ideal than mine.
“It’s that quick?”
He shrugged. “Phil likes to get it over with. The first shock is the worst. See, we’re all in these metal cages lining the walls of a cylindrical structure. When we pull our levers, it pumps in water from gates overhead, which turns the wheels. The problem is, the levers are also connected to some sort of electricity. When water gets down in the crevices, it shocks us. They say if you pull fast enough nothing can get down, but I don’t think that’s possible.”
I tried to picture working in a cage. Suddenly, dirt didn’t seem so bad.
“Why don’t they fix it?”
“Because we don’t deserve anything better. The same job could be done without water, just continually pulling levers, but they want us to learn our lesson. It’s a punishment above all.”
I felt so guilty when he talked about work. How could I complain about anything ever when he could smile through explaining how they electrocuted him every other day? Not just smile, but beam with that light in his pretty eyes like it was all some big joke.
“Right,” I said. “So day after next, you’ll come to the farm?”
He kept smiling, totally oblivious to what an absolutely flawless individual he was. “Wouldn’t miss it.”
I almost didn’t want to take him. He’d see what a cushy job I had, and our whole relatable dynamic would be out the window. But who was I to deny him his day on the fun farm?
Chapter 17
<<<
Maybe I should have asked about bringing Will to work. It probably would have been no big deal, and Grant would have said it was fine as long as I was working. But being Laura Baily, I was inclined to speculate if things didn’t go so well. If Grant said no, I’d have to tell Will, and after he’d been so excited about it, I really didn’t have the heart for that.
So I kept to myself as had become routine since I’d gone solo. Grant actually came out of his office for a little while, but he didn’t talk to me. He hadn’t since I blew his cover. Maybe he didn’t realize I was keeping it secret. With the Seth Man-Buns running around, he did have reason to fear for his privacy.
With any luck, the next day would be just as lonely and uneventful. No one would pay any attention to me or to anyone who happened to be with me.
Will was really pumped for his farm day. When I picked him up from the plant, he kept singing about it. Actually singing, loudly and in no particular key. I just loved how not an artist he was.
Putting him to bed was a challenge. He was like a kid on Christmas Eve. He kept mumbling questions even after he was under the covers and drifting off.
I decided I’d made the right call. If Grant wanted to be the bad guy and send him home tomorrow, that was on him.
So the next morning, we got up and got ready to go. Will was secretly ashamed of his prisoner jumpsuit, though he claimed he just didn’t want to get it dirty, so he wore a T-shirt and the one pair of ill-fitting jeans he’d been allowed. All in all, he actually didn’t look too different from a farm worker.
He was quiet during the ride, playing it cool, no doubt. I wondered if he knew how much he revealed about himself on damaged days.
“Is that it?” he asked as I parked.
“Yeah. It’s enormous, so try to stay close.”
He got out of the truck and just stared for a minute. “This is beautiful
,” he said. “It’s incredible.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay. Come on. I’ve got to clock in.”
That poor boy was in awe. I wished he wouldn’t look around like that. It’d be hard to blend in when he had that tourist look on his face.
Stupid Grant was right there in the clock-in area. Of all the days to be social, he would pick the one I needed him out of the way.
“Good morning, Laura,” he said, uncharacteristically cordial given our last encounter.
“Morning,” I muttered as I swiped my card.
“You want to come to the orchard with us?”
I looked at him. “Us?”
Right on cue, Mimi, Seth, and the usual gang came in with a couple of big baskets.
“The peaches are ready,” Grant said. “You know I never miss a day in the orchard. Come on.”
Without even asking, he assigned me to peach harvesting, and the screen returned to the “please swipe card” message.
“Well, apparently I’d love to. Um…” I tried to figure out the best way to explain Will. But it turned out he needed no explanation.
“Hi, are you in charge here?” he asked with his left hand extended, already so accommodating of Grant’s condition.
“I am. Can I help you?”
“I’m Will Noble. I’m friends with Laura. I was wondering if it’d be all right if I tagged along today. It’s my day off, and Laura offered. But I’m sure she didn’t bother to actually get permission.”
He sold me out. After I’d done so much for him, Mr. Hero was still following the rules.
“You’re right about that. But you’re welcome to join us. You’ve come on a good day.”
Will smiled. “Thank you. You’re Grant, right?”
“Grant Paxton, farm supervisor. You can meet the rest of the team on the way.”
We headed out, Will being that likeable guy and offering to hold some baskets. Grant held me back as we went.
“You found your guy?” he asked. I’d all but forgotten that misguided attempt to find Dad.
“No, I let that go. Will was on the train with me. We went to school together a long time ago.”
“I see. Does he know what we’re about here?”
“Yeah. He doesn’t seem to mind. Go figure, right? Anyway, he works indoors and it’s not that great of a job. So I thought he might like it here.”
“You don’t even like it here.”
“I don’t like it anywhere. Will’s one of the chosen few who can actually enjoy new experiences… I’m sorry about the other day by the way.”
He nodded. “I figured you were. But since it appears you’ve kept it to yourself, I’d like to know what exactly you’re expecting to gain from knowing my secrets.”
I sighed. “I’m not a super villain. I just had a suspicion and have poor communication skills.”
“You certainly do. But I have talked to her since then, and I think she’s starting to forgive some of my innumerable offenses. And before your suspicions get carried away, I left her. I was sick and they only gave me three months to live. I just didn’t want to put her through that. Once I got here, I was put on the farm. Eventually I got a doctor to check me out, and I was miraculously healed. So it looks like I made the whole thing up and left her. She says I killed her too. I destroyed her career, her marriage, her whole life. So we decided to forget each other. Which is impossible.” He was smiling, but I so saw through that.
“I’m so sorry. That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”
He shrugged. “I think we’ll be all right someday. I just want her to be happy, and if that means we need some time apart, I’ll respect that.”
“You are a stand-up guy, I’ll give you that.”
“Thanks. So why have I never heard about this guy? You go around acting like a loner and you spring a non-work friend on us?”
I blushed. I shouldn’t have, but I did. “It’s not like he’s my secret husband or anything. His job is hard on him. Like, it exhausts him. So he’s physically unstable, and I’m emotionally unstable. Believe it or not, that works for us.”
I watched him chatting with the farm workers and having the time of his life. He was even rivaling Mimi’s upbeat attitude.
“I see,” Grant said. “He’s cute.”
I shot him a look then thought better of it. “Yeah, he is. He always has been. And he has such a cute backstory. He’s pretty much perfect.”
Will seemed to notice he’d lost me and looked back to make sure I was catching up. I smiled and waved him on. Perfect.
“You know,” Grant said, witnessing the exchange. “You’re pretty cute too.”
That may have been the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. And yes, I had weird, unexplainable feelings about Will. I had no intention of acting upon them, but it was nice to hear that I could.
“Ew, Grant, you’re married. Don’t be gross.” But I smiled too much for him to think I meant that.
We got to the orchard soon enough. And I’d never given it any thought before, but if I had to assign a scent to heaven, it would be that of a peach orchard. It was a gorgeous day, and these trees were practically spraying fragrance into the warm air. It was great that this was Will’s impression of the farm; he deserved a nice day. But did it really have to be so perfect as to make my job seem like paradise?
Everyone split up a bit when we arrived. Will stayed with me.
“So what do we do?” he asked.
“Watch carefully. It’s a complex procedure.” I picked a peach and put it in the basket. “Done. There’s a reason they send the nut jobs here. It’s the easiest thing ever.”
“If you say so.” He got to work. “So what happened to Grant’s foot?”
“I don’t think anything happened to it. It just doesn’t work.”
“Okay. And he’s married to the little one, Mimi, but we’re not allowed to talk about it?”
I stared at him. “How do you know that?”
He smiled. “I listen. I don’t always understand, but I’ve grasped a few things. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone. It must be hard. Being dead but married. It must change everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, unless they died together, someone had their heart broken. I can’t imagine they’re able to pick up where they left off.”
“Well, look who’s intuitive.”
“I know a lot about heartbreak. It changes you. You can’t ever be the same person again. You’re weathered and experienced. That person has a piece of you forever, and you can’t ever get it back.”
I’d decided I hated Casey. Sure we’d never met and she might have been a very nice girl, but she’d really done a number on Will.
“It’s a wonder why we even fall in love at all,” I said. “It seems like it’s nothing but risks.”
I reached for a peach, but he took my hand. “Laura, that’s not what I meant… It is a risk, but you have to take it. I still believe falling in love is the most beautiful thing we can do.”
And there was the clichéd love advice I thought we’d successfully avoided. I pulled my hand away. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I’m romancing someone.”
I guess he hadn’t meant to be preachy. He was genuinely just a sweet guy. But I was kind of over people telling me to take chances.
“When might that be?” he asked.
I looked at him. “When I see fit; not that it’s your business.”
“Don’t be like that. I’m just asking. And it’s kind of a reasonable question considering the circumstances.”
“By circumstances you mean what? Considering I killed myself?”
“Well, yeah.”
Why was I suddenly furious? I was fine talking about what I’d done. We’d moved past this; it didn’t bother me anymore. In fact, if
given the chance, I probably would have done it again assuming there was no secret world on the other side.
“Okay, so since I killed myself I’m just some basket case lunatic, and you need to coach me through life?”
He held his hands up. “You said I could talk about this stuff. Is it not okay?”
“Could you just stop being so careful with me? Please? I’m a person. I can deal with things. If I don’t want to talk about boys with you it’s because… I just don’t. And maybe it’s because I don’t know anything or I feel insecure in my attractive qualities or maybe I’m just that proverbial girl with daddy issues. Believe me, there are plenty of reasons. Being a suicide isn’t a reason; it’s a reaction to the reasons, a reaction to everything I am that makes me so unlovable. Just… We can talk about it, but please don’t treat me differently because of it.”
And now I felt like crying. Why did I do this? What was wrong with me? Did I want to push people away?
Always so perfectly intuitive, he pulled me close, and I instantly forgave him for whatever slight offense I’d blown out of proportion. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m an idiot, I know. I thought I was helping, honestly, but I can see how it could be offensive.” He looked me in the eye. “You really want me to treat you normally? You want me to stop being careful?”
I felt awful. He was so nice to me. How could I complain when all he wanted was to help me?
I nodded. “I’d prefer it.”
He nodded slowly, looking almost afraid. “Okay. Okay, then this is happening.”
Before I could ask, he pulled me in again. I didn’t even realize what was happening. Suddenly, his mouth was right there, and my mouth, and arms and bodies and peaches and sunshine. Everything at once and my brain couldn’t sort it. So I probably ended up kissing him for a while longer than I should have just by trying to figure out what was going on.