by Mallory Hill
But I kissed him. He kissed me. That actually happened.
Chapter 18
<<<
I freaked out as I realized how numb I felt. Nothing. People were supposed to enjoy kissing. There were hormones and things involved; it was supposed to be pleasurable. So though it was weird and I felt kind of sick, I tried to enjoy it. I tried to get a feeling from it.
He drew away before I could. He was going to say something, but I stopped him.
“No, just…” I pulled him back in. He didn’t fight it.
Did he like it? Why had he done this to us? Our whole dynamic was jeopardized because he was trying to prove a point. It wasn’t even a good point. If I were normal, he’d kiss me? Because, what? He liked me or something?
Something happened. I didn’t know what, but I got a feeling. He liked me enough to kiss me. Enough to jeopardize our whole dynamic. He’d taken a risk with me. I was worth a risk. I was worth something.
It wasn’t magical or anything, but I relaxed into it and tried to stop thinking.
We sort of mutually stopped. I didn’t look right at him at first. I focused on my lips and that weird tingling.
“I like that,” I concluded. And I had. It had been different but in a good way—a getting over myself and my anxieties sort of different.
He smiled. “I like that too. I like you, Laura. A lot. I thought maybe you weren’t ready. I didn’t know if you ever would be. But you’re amazing and I want to be with you. Like, in a more than friends way.”
I looked at him, thinking maybe I hadn’t actually woken up that morning.
“You have brain damage,” I said finally.
He laughed. “Yeah, I do. I do. But I like you. And I’m not that out of it on damaged days. I hear you, and I see you. And you’re beautiful. The way you’ve let me in and been so good to me. I really wasn’t planning on doing this today, but… I mean, you don’t have to like me back, but—”
“I don’t know how. Will, even if I want to, I don’t work that way. I can’t just turn on my likes and dislikes… I’m kind of broken.”
He smiled sadly. “I’m okay with that. And we can work on it. We’ll take it slow. Are you willing to try?”
I shook my head. “It’s not your job. I can’t ask you to get invested in something hopeless.”
“Well, it’s too late for that. I’m hopeless too. My brain won’t last forever, but you keep picking me up and helping me through the night. Neither of us has a lot to live for right now, but we have each other. And that’s enough for me.”
I tried to keep breathing. Situations like this got me messy in moments. But I needed to be in control. I had to talk to him like I was normal.
“Will, I don’t want a boyfriend. I want to be dead.” I’d given up on stuff like that a long time ago. It wasn’t me; it wasn’t what I was used to.
He nodded. “Okay, I understand. I mean, honestly, I don’t. I actually can’t figure out how you could possibly hate yourself like that. But I can respect your decision.”
He went back to peach picking. I could tell he was just dying inside. His face was red though he did his best to show no emotion.
What was I doing? Sure it was new and somewhat panic attack inducing, but hadn’t a little part of me wanted this? Will was a friend. Will was one of the last remaining relics of my golden age, before any of this had started. Of course I wanted something more. Of course I wanted to be happy with him, but how could I? Happiness was a foreign concept.
It was a bad idea. I told myself that over and over as I watched him working, his pretty face all flushed and little microspheres of sweat gathering at the top of his forehead. It would only end badly. I’d get caught up in my emotions, and our inevitable end would be that much worse. So why couldn’t I stop staring at him? Why couldn’t I put all of it behind me, the feelings, the kisses, that dizzy exhilaration that stirred my sanity every time he touched me? It was nothing but trouble, and no rational person would ever subject herself to something like that.
I sighed. “You’ll always be second place. You can’t expect me to want you more than what I want most. But if you want to kiss me and stuff or act all stupid and flirty, I’ll do my best to respectfully receive it.”
He dropped a peach in the basket and smiled at me. “In a weird, roundabout way, did you just say you’ll be my girlfriend?”
My stomach wasn’t feeling so great, and the word girlfriend twisted it tighter. “I don’t know. I guess. Don’t look at me like that.”
He put himself back in my personal space, wrapping his arms around me. “Like what?”
Why was it so hot? I was sweating buckets and his nearness didn’t help.
“That,” I said, struggling to keep eye contact.
“Like you’re gorgeous?” He kissed me. Just a little peck, but it really got my guts churning.
“No,” I breathed.
“No? How am I looking at you then?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Just knock it off already.”
His arms tightened around me. “You know what’s crazy? We’re totally exposed out here. I mean, your boss could find us at any moment. All it would take is one person hiding behind the trees, and you’d be the next farm scandal.”
My heart started racing. “What?”
“If Grant and Mimi are a secret, I’m sure this place is dying for public drama. You’d have yourself a reputation.”
Was he trying to give me a heart attack? I might have passed out if he wasn’t right there, so close I could feel him breathing.
“But I don’t—”
“Shh…” He kissed me again. Longer this time. There was lava swirling in my stomach. I didn’t want a reputation. I wanted to disappear.
But I couldn’t stop. I was stuck, paralyzed by fear and heat and his arms, his strong yet gentle arms wrapped so snuggly and securely around me.
Then he let go. I was almost dizzy trying to support myself and make sense of his absence.
He smiled. “So I guess we should really get to work.”
He moved away. Farther away. He went back to picking peaches. I just stood staring until the fire cooled.
“What did you just do to me?”
He shrugged, not even facing me. “Raised the stakes. I figured you needed a danger element if we’re ever going to get you to feel something.”
“A danger element?”
“You know, like a haunted house. People secretly love to be terrified. It’s easier for you to feel negatives than positives, and fear’s a good transitional emotion. So I threatened you with a classic forbidden love, workplace romance scenario.”
Who even was this guy? Had electrocution made him an evil genius?
“And that’s why I feel like I’m on medical grade painkillers?”
He glanced at me. “Well, there’s also the fact that you’re physically attracted to me and vice versa. No doubt that shakes things up. Medical grade? You must really like me.”
“Apparently,” I said, trying to get ahold of myself. “How does this work? Do we just go about like nothing happened now?”
“We just act naturally. Don’t worry about it. Pick some peaches. We’ll clear everything up when we get home.”
I had no choice but to do just that. Of course, I caught myself staring at him a couple times. I didn’t really think to try and hide it. If he thought he wanted me, he needed to know all the strange things I did. It was only fair I gave him an honest impression. Because anyone who knew me, really knew me well, would agree that I had no business existing.
We finished the workday without incident. Will and I collected enough peaches as not to raise suspicion. So we might have gone without notice if he hadn’t decided to hold my hand on the way back to the greenhouse. Mimi noticed, but she kept her mouth shut. Was that a touch of envy in her downcast eyes? S
omeone actually envied me?
Of course, it was Seth who made it a big deal.
“So, are you guys dating or what?” he asked as if it were obviously his business to know.
Will just smiled as I turned red. “I’d say we’re definitely exploring the idea,” he said just as cool as could be.
Everyone just awkwardly nodded in acceptance.
It’s crazy how much a single person can alter your life. Suddenly, my entire image was changed just because I’d allowed someone to elevate a few levels in my affections. I was softer, warmer, less of an isolated freak. And all because of a boy. Social perceptions have always been weird like that I guess, but I never would have imagined Will had the power to actually transform me. Piece by piece, for better or worse, he was wearing down my walls, opening me up to something I hadn’t thought possible and exposing me to the inescapable darkness already on its way.
Chapter 19
<<<
Having a boyfriend. That was something other people did—better, saner, more qualified people. And having a first boyfriend. That was something children did. I found myself in this insane examination of my maturity. Did this make me grown up, or did the newness of it all toss me back into grade school?
I was so engrossed in my analysis of the situation that I actually ended up ignoring the man who’d started it all for a solid hour at least.
We went home quietly, grabbing our dinner and behaving as if it were any other day. Then we were shut in for the night with nothing but each other’s company.
He must have been waiting for me to say something. Sure he seemed relaxed, lounging around like usual, but he must have had some concerns going into this. It was only human to worry.
“You know, you did good work today,” I said finally, because I’m sure that was what he wanted to hear.
“It’s good work to do. Of course, it does lack something. There’s not a lot of room for ambition.”
“People don’t seem to have a lot of that here. We’re all just sort of surviving.”
He sighed. “I guess.”
Were we not going to talk about it? Was there some rule against talking about it?
“Why’d you want to be a cop?” I asked.
He looked at me. “Because I’m bossy and arrogant. I figure we have to take what we are and make it work, preferably for the greater good.”
“And that would have made you happy?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know anymore. Now that I’ve been on the other side… I like to think I’d be better, but maybe I’d be just like the guys that arrested me. Seeing only black and white, nothing in between.”
I shook my head. “You’re not like that.”
He smiled. “Thanks… I’d like to apologize in advance for what I’m going to be like tomorrow.”
“Don’t. I’m used to it. You’re really not that bad.”
“No, it’ll be bad tomorrow. I’m going to be very annoying, and I’ll probably hit on you a bunch. Just tell me no. Be strict. Even if I cry, you are not obligated to put up with me.”
I had to smile a little bit. “That doesn’t sound so bad to me. I kind of like it when you’re more awkward than I am.”
He nodded. “That does make it easier. I was the awkward one the last time I did the whole dating thing. Casey was really my first girlfriend. I knew next to nothing before her.”
For some reason, that made me uncomfortable. Everything he knew about dating he’d learned from someone who broke his heart.
“Can we maybe not talk about her?” I tried to seem uninterested, focusing on finding the split ends in my hair.
“You’re not jealous, are you?”
“What? No. Why would I be jealous of your beautiful, athletic ex-girlfriend who taught you how to love? I mean, of course not.”
I glanced at him in time to see him get up. He sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me.
“Honestly, though. You know you have nothing to worry about?”
“How could I worry? You’re completely cut off from every girl you’ve ever known, and you depend on me to keep you safe.”
“And I genuinely like you.”
“Because I’m convenient. You and I are situational friends. If we hadn’t died together, we would have gone the rest of our lives ignoring each other.”
“I don’t think—”
“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s just true. It’s just our bittersweet fate.”
He didn’t understand that it was really all right with me. Our arrangement was still more than I’d ever hoped for.
I kissed him. It was a decidedly pleasant experience. He still smelled like the orchard, and I liked the way his hands sort of wandered across my back. If this was the afterlife, dying had been well worth it.
He drew away smiling, though I sensed he wasn’t entirely convinced. “Well, whatever it is, I know I couldn’t get through this without you. I just wish I were more dependable. You deserve this strong, capable guy, and I’m lucky if I can be that every other day. It’s just so unfair.”
I put my head on his shoulder. “What’s unfair is no matter how many times I bring you home, they’re just going to keep hurting you. For being a good guy. For doing the right thing.”
“I broke the rules. That kind of behavior isn’t the answer.”
I laced my fingers through his. I’d spent my whole life among artists, people who lived through their hands. There were knots and callouses, but they were almost beautiful. You could see the passion in those scars. Will’s hands were tired and dry. They felt unhealthy.
“Maybe it is,” I mused. “Maybe if all of us just stood up and did something about it this world wouldn’t have to exist. We could go back to being the people we were, mediocrity and all. People who want to live deserve to live.”
He kissed my forehead. “So what I’m hearing is you want us to break the rules and run off together in some epic quest for revolution?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be so heroic about it. I want us to run off and hide from the stuff we don’t like. It’s sort of my style. Conquering fears by avoiding them.”
He chuckled. “Well that’s interesting. I’m all fight and you’re all flight.”
“Yeah, I guess we’d better break up. Us being so incompatible and all.”
He sighed. “I guess so. What’s it been? Not even twenty-four hours?”
“Not even twelve.”
“Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
I smiled at him. This was weird, but I actually really enjoyed it. The banter, the back and forth, the easy conversation. It was relaxing in a way. Just the exchange between two voices, his body so near my own, the way his chest buzzed as he spoke. All the little things. The irrelevant little details that somehow defined our new relationship.
“For what it’s worth, you were my best boyfriend ever.”
He kissed me again, slowly and deeply. I wondered how many times I’d been kissed that day. I had a strong start going for me. But I decided this one would be the last of the night. It was probably best to pace myself.
Somewhat reluctantly, I got up. “I’m going to get ready for bed. It’s kind of late.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I guess I work tomorrow. Again, I apologize in advance.”
Alone in the bathroom, I took some time to let it sink in. I was almost a normal human. With human experiences and everything. Of course, I was still without a career or a calling or any defining characteristics, but it was a step up from where I’d been. One step up, yet no further from the edge.
Chapter 20
<<<
It was like I was a new person on the farm the next day. People greeted me and introduced me around like I was some show-and-tell project. Why couldn’t these people understand I wasn’t there to make friends? Just because I had a s
ocial life now didn’t mean they were automatically invited to be a part of it.
Mimi took me out to the barn so we’d be more isolated. At least someone had made an effort to figure me out. Unfortunately, we had the glamorous task of shoveling out the animal waste. It honestly wasn’t that bad. I got used to the smell, and I’d never been particularly upset by the thought of germs.
“What does Will do again?” she asked as we worked. Mimi didn’t gossip, so it was purely curiosity.
“Oh, he manufactures. Makes stuff.” Electricity totally counted as stuff, right?
“He’s very nice. I’m surprised he wasn’t selected for management. It just seems like such a waste when quality people are thrown into those dismal factories. I know some people like it, but if I were on an assembly line I think I’d die.”
I shrugged. “They kind of already did.”
Mimi laughed. It was small, but it seemed so out of character. She’d never been a fan of my dark humor. Living and dying were very serious matters for her.
I stopped working and looked at her. The girl was shoveling poop and still had a smile on her face. A natural smile; not even that overcompensating grin she wore to convince herself her life wasn’t in shambles.
“Wasn’t the orchard nice yesterday?” she asked.
I quit staring, but my suspicion remained. I started shoveling again. “Better than this. I didn’t see you much.”
“Well, you know me. The higher branches are my favorite. I’m convinced they get ripe the fastest.”
“I’m sure. I’m sorry if I kind of ignored you. With Will here—”
“No, don’t you worry. Factory boys should all spend some time out here. It was very nice of you to bring him. And Grant came out. He kept me company.” She smiled right into the waste pile. Smiled at it like it was a heap of those beautiful peaches.
“Cool. So you guys are good? Not that you were ever bad; just, it kind of seemed like there was some tension maybe.”