by Mallory Hill
She laughed and straightened up. “There’s certainly been tension. Were you not going to tell me you’d figured us out? You let Grant in on it but kept me in the dark?”
I stared at her. “He told you?”
“Of course he told me. We’re starting this new honesty thing. It’d be very bad for him to start out with secrets.” She kept smiling, but that could have meant anything.
“So, you’re not mad?”
“Well, all it means is we didn’t do a good enough job hiding it. It also means you’ve volunteered to be a marriage counselor of sorts, so thank you very much for your concern.”
There was the catch. Mimi was a sweetheart, but she certainly knew how to hold someone accountable.
“Great,” I sighed. “So I guess this is our first session?”
She nodded. “You can listen and work at once I’m sure.” She started shoveling out the next stall, and I obediently joined her.
“He’s probably told you what happened, but you may as well hear my side. I was happy. I was happy as could be. I’d finally convinced my boyfriend, the absolute love of my life, to commit, and I was on track to getting my own class at the chem lab. We’re talking professor status. I was the youngest in my class, but I think I was the only one who just loved it like that. My life was essentially perfect… Grant was born different. I hardly noticed it, but it upset him very much. I wasn’t allowed to push his chair or even help him into it. He wanted to do everything alone.”
She started shoveling with increased vigor. I tried to keep up, but she must have been on some kind of adrenaline high.
“But you can’t just do things by yourself, not when you’re married. And he was having a hard time finding work with his health and everything. I don’t think he ever wanted to be happy. I think he decided being crippled meant he’d never belong anywhere. Even with someone who loved him as much as I did. He staged this beautiful, tragic death. He’d been at his doctor’s appointment, and he had the nerve to have them tell me something had gone wrong during a procedure. A severe allergic reaction, that’s what they said. They told me he’d been aware of the risk, and he always wrote me ‘just in case’ notes whenever he was trying something risky. It was all so procedural… I should have asked to see the body, I know, but… Well, I’d really just lost my mind at that point.”
I stopped her shovel with my own. She looked at me, blinking a few times in confusion. I could see the crazy in her. I’d felt it before. When everything’s just so unbelievably awful you can’t even cry. Then the hysterics kick in and you’re laughing at how stupid you are to think any of it even matters. It was the crazy that had led me to the ticket office.
“We don’t have to do this,” I said gently.
She looked at me for a moment then nodded. “Long story short,” she said, “I ended up here a few months later. And Grant was a supervisor. Grant could walk. He was so much better off without me. I’d pushed him away. Insisting on taking care of him, forcing him to marry me. I was even talking about kids, and I knew how he felt about that, but I was selfish. I kept building this perfect life for myself, and it all just came crumbling down.”
Crazy avoided, she started crying. That was actually healthier. She needed to recognize this wasn’t right. Some weird instinct made me hug her.
“You’re all right. You know he still loves you, right?”
She was rigid. I realized I’d never really seen anyone touch her before. “That’s what he says. But it doesn’t matter anymore. We don’t want the same things. I want home. I want my class and a family. He loves it here. This place made him strong for the first time in his life. I couldn’t take that from him even if I knew how. So I’m the one who has to live with it, with this awful thing I’ve done. Maybe I deserve it.”
“No.” I had no right to speak. I did deserve my twisted fate, but Mimi had been hurt. She’d been tricked, and that wasn’t fair. “Mimi, why’d you get on the train?”
She pulled herself off of me and wiped her eyes. “Because I was an idiot and thought I couldn’t live without him. But I was so lucky before. I didn’t have Grant, but at least I had me.”
“You can have both. You deserve both. I don’t know how just yet, but I know it can’t be so hopeless. When I first got here, Grant told me that we take the train because we’re hoping there’s a chance we’ll find something better. Now we have proof. Your happiness is just through that tunnel. It’s still there. So there’s got to be a way to get it back, right?”
She shook her head. “It’s a one-way ticket. People don’t go back.”
“Maybe not yet.”
I had nothing to lose. I could easily throw it all away on some crazy quest for revolution. Why not? It wasn’t like I had anything else to live for.
I briefly thought of Will, but he needed this too. He wouldn’t last forever the way they tortured him. Escape was our only choice.
There was a way back. There was a clearly labeled exit out of this world and none of us had thought to take it. I mean, it was sort of risky, and I knew firsthand how they liked to punish people here. But it wasn’t like I’d be risking my life when I had hardly any life to begin with. And if it should work, I’d have finally made a contribution to society.
Of course, having never started a career much less a revolution, I didn’t exactly have a battle plan drawn up yet. But if I could give this a couple of days on the back burner, it might just become the most brilliant idea I’d ever had.
“What are you saying?” Mimi still stared at me, no doubt seeing the crazy in my eyes.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just… Grant is your first step. You took the train to be with him, right? If you can let yourself take one step toward getting what you want, maybe the rest will be easier.”
“So I’m just supposed to walk up to him and expect everything to work itself out?”
“Well, what else can you do about it?”
She was quiet for a moment. “You’re coming with me.” And without another word, she went back to work.
Shoveling crap gave me plenty of time to assess my mental stability. I didn’t think I’d really lost all of my mind yet. It was definitely cracking, but I was competent enough to rationally develop an escape plan. How hard could it be?
Of course, I did have the immediate issue of Grant and Mimi to deal with come the end of the workday. I couldn’t stay long; Will would be waiting for me at the plant. But I just had to see how this played out.
Mimi and I clocked out, and before her group could wonder about her, we were in Grant’s office. He lit up instantly. The poor guy had to try so hard to conceal his feelings.
“Can I help you?” he asked, pretending to be professional.
Mimi took a breath, looking at him with the straightest face I’d ever seen.
“Grant Paxton, you murdered your wife,” she said. Okay, not exactly what I was looking for.
Grant was devastated. “Miriam—”
“You murdered your wife… And then she went and murdered you. You and I are the wickedest, most horrible people in the whole world. And so maybe we deserve each other. Maybe the only person evil enough to love someone like me is that goddamn cripple who broke my heart.” She was crying again, softly, bitterly, like it was long overdue.
Grant stood up. He didn’t even look at his crutch but dragged his foot along until he faced her. “Miriam—”
“I love you!” she sobbed.
He grabbed her around the waist, staring into her soul, breathing visibly and audibly.
I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t move. The way they looked at each other, so serious and so connected. It was weirdly hot. I actually felt a little uncomfortable watching them like that, like I was intruding on something very personal and private. But it was good. It was magic. It was all those things you hear about in legends and stories, something that transcended the boun
ds of their bodies and filled the air around us with an almost supernatural energy. That existed between these two, very real people. And they were hardly touching.
“Laura,” Grant said, his voice a low whisper as he continued to stare straight into her eyes, “I’d like to be alone with my wife.”
Practically trembling with the power of this new discovery, I left them and shut the door behind me. I tried to shake myself back to normal so I’d be able to safely operate a vehicle. It had just been so intense and so devastatingly beautiful. And I hadn’t even been part of it.
There was a strange craving in my gut now. If I’d wanted to, I might have assessed the fact that I’d just had my first grown up encounter with love. But in the moment, I didn’t have a word for it. It was just something I wanted. Something suddenly so necessary that I didn’t know if I could survive without it.
But my boyfriend had brain damage. He was waiting for me at the plant.
Chapter 21
<<<
I calmed down in the truck. Whatever Grant and Mimi did next, whatever decisions they made about their relationship, it didn’t concern me.
I pulled up to the plant and parked in front of all those cowering boys. You’d think they’d be used to me by now considering I did this every work day.
I got out in my typical, non-threatening way. “All right, where’s my guy?”
It took hardly a second to find him. He burst out of the crowd with the biggest smile on his face.
“This is her!” he shouted, making the others shrink back and some of them fall over. “This is my girlfriend!”
I grabbed him and tried to calm him down.
“That’s not very nice,” I said. “You scared them.”
He just stared at me with giant eyes. “I’m sorry.” He leaned closer to my face. “You’re my girlfriend!” he whispered.
Partly because he was adorable and partly because I’d just had some sort of awakening, I kissed him.
“That’s right, handsome. You want to go home?”
He looked dizzy. His face had gone pink, and his eyes were almost crossing. “Yes, ma’am.”
I got him all buckled in, and we made our way to the apartment.
“So I’m super popular because of you,” I said. “Everybody loved you yesterday.”
He made a comical surprised face. “Me?”
“Yes, you. And you know Grant and Mimi?”
He nodded. “Such a nice couple.”
I tried to keep from laughing. He was ridiculous today. “Yes, they are. And I think they might be getting back together. Will, you should have seen it. The way he looked at her. Like she was—”
“Gorgeous?”
I looked at him. His mouth was twisted up in a little smirk. “How come Grant gets to do all the gorgeous looking and I can’t?”
I smiled. “You know what? You look at me however you want.”
He could only look at me for a few seconds before it erupted out of him again. “I have a girlfriend!”
I got him home, and he did quiet down a little bit. He lay down like usual, but he kept looking at me and smiling. I sat down next to him and he took my hands.
“Do you want to know how beautiful you are?” he asked.
I blushed. “How beautiful?”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, so beautiful! Like a…a princess.”
I laughed. “A princess? I’m kind of dirty to be a princess. I shoveled poop all day.”
That got him laughing for a while. “What? Laura!”
“I did! Mimi and I both did.” It was nice to see him so happy. I had to wonder if this was all because of me, but I didn’t dare give myself that much credit.
He settled down. “Well, you’re still a princess.” He reached up and pulled out my ponytail. I did have to help him a little.
He sat up and stroked my hair. I saw just the faintest glimmer of cognition in his eyes. “You believe me?” he asked gently.
“Believe what?”
“You’re so beautiful.”
I looked away, but he brought my face right back and kissed me. Even damaged, it felt so good.
“Laura,” he said almost sadly. “I wish you loved you like I love you.”
That just set me off. I felt tears welling in my eyes. “So do I, Will. I’m trying to, but it’s hard. It’s not something I can just do.”
He nodded. “Okay, I’ll love you for both of us.”
God, he was killing me! I blinked back my tears. “Thank you.”
I wrapped my arms around him and just cried for a little while. Maybe whatever Mimi and Grant had was contagious. Maybe I’d caught some tragically romantic virus just by watching them look at each other. But if that were the case, I was totally fine with it.
For being damaged, Will was surprisingly in control when he kissed me. He was tired, so he lay down eventually, but he pulled me down with him and we just kept at it. He pulled my body closer, and I let myself explore those gorgeous, tortured muscles. Then, suddenly, he drew away.
“Laura,” he said nervously, “my head’s not right.”
That broke my heart. “Yes it is, Will. It’s perfect.” I moved in to kiss him again.
“No. My head’s not right, and I don’t…” He shook his head. “I’m a virgin and… Not when my head’s not right.”
Oh that poor boy! Obviously, I was just light-years away from that school of thought, but sweet, damaged Will couldn’t have known that.
“I know, Will,” I said as gently as I could. “It’s been two days. We’re going to go really slow. For both of us.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
I felt like crying again, but stood up. It was time to get ready for bed anyway. He caught my hand. After all that, he managed to smile at me.
“I’ve loved you since the train,” he said softly.
If anything was left of my heart, it shattered.
“Since the train?” I choked out.
He grinned. “Maybe longer.”
I shook my head. Maybe I couldn’t believe him in this state. Maybe it was all just nonsense his tired mind imagined. But there was such sincerity in his eyes. And I so wanted it to be real.
I lay down with him again and held him close. Maybe it all went away in the morning, but I had him now.
How had this happened? Just days ago I hadn’t known this feeling existed. Yesterday, it was an angry churning in my stomach. Tonight, it was heaven.
I looked at him only to find he was almost asleep. He’d be safe the next day, but maybe not for long. He was strong. He could endure it for a little while I knew. But not forever. One day, he’d be gone. I’d wake up, and he wouldn’t. And with my luck, that would be the day I let myself love him.
I made a decision.
“Will?” I whispered.
“Hmm?” he moaned, barely there.
“Will, I’m going back. I’m going to save you.”
I saw him wrinkle up his face in vague confusion. He didn’t need to understand yet. He needed to sleep.
I spent the night there feeling certain of something for maybe the first time. This love thing was powerful. Probably dangerous and somewhat crazy, but I believed in it. I’d have to fight for it.
When I woke up, my eyes were all crusty from crying so much. I rubbed them clean in time to see Will wake up.
He sighed. “Well, I guess you found me irresistible.” He kissed my cheek. “Sorry.”
I smiled. “How much do you remember?”
“Not a lot. Unless I used a word that has no place in a relationship as young as ours.” He looked at me, preparing to be embarrassed.
“Hmm, would that word be love or virgin? I can’t quite decide.”
“Oh my God!” He covered his face with his hands. “Okay, wow, then I remember eve
rything.” He moved his hands and looked at me. “You are so cool for putting up with me.”
I shook my head. “Will, you were wonderful. You were just incredible.”
He blushed a little. “Well, given I had limited self-control, every word was true, so… That’s how I feel about you. I don’t really know why or how or any details at all actually. I just love you. And please don’t say it back. It is crazy early to be saying this stuff.”
“It’s definitely crazy, but it’s kind of cute too. And a major confidence booster so thanks.”
I hadn’t even changed out of my work clothes and saw no point in doing it now, so I went into the bathroom to freshen up. Will was still in bed when I got out.
“What does going back mean?” he asked looking stumped. “Why do I remember going back?”
I bit my lip. “I may or may not have run a few half-formed escape plans by you. It’s no big deal.”
“Escape from what?”
“Well, here. I’m surrounded by people who were cut off from their callings because they made one mistake. They’ve lost everything, and you’re being tortured, and… I don’t know, maybe we could just crawl through the tunnel and get home.” It sounded crazier now that he was competent.
“So… I’m sorry, what?”
“Will, think about it. This isn’t living. And realistically, all it would take is one person coming back from the dead to ruin the whole system. Why not me?”
“Because if you’re caught they’ll torture the hell out of you.”
I sighed. “Will—”
“No. You’re not doing this. You’re talking about me making one mistake; you’d be doing the same thing. It’s out of the question.”
I kind of hated him. “Sorry, I missed the part where I asked for permission.”
He stood up. “Laura, I’m not letting you throw what’s left of your life away. You see what I am every other day. You’ll be just like me.”
“So I’m supposed to wait around until you lose enough brain cells and die? That’s what I have to look forward to? Because that’s hell, Will. And I do not deserve hell.”