Shadow

by Kara Swanson

  Her voice has taken on a taunting tone, and I go rigid as I stare at Slightly, freckles so pale they’ve practically vanished. “What about Nibs?” There is only silence, and my gaze flicks to Paige. “What did you do?”

  “What had to be done. Punishment.” Her words are icy. “And I’m not finished yet.”

  I back up, my heels hitting the edge of the rocky cell wall. “Where is Nibs?” I ask, voice shaking.

  Paige’s expression is cold. “He’s dead.”

  My whole body crumbles. The weight of those words fills my lungs like burning seawater.

  “You’re lying!” I fling the words at her. But she just regards me with hollow eyes.

  I turn in desperation from Paige to the Lost Boys. The twins cower against the wall, expressions misted with glittering tears that begin to streak down their faces. Cubby is biting his lip hard to hold back his own tears.

  But it isn’t until I look at Slightly, his face still red from where Paige struck him, and I see the nightmares reflected in his eyes that it really hits.

  Grief is like a sledgehammer.

  “No!” I cry out. A sob breaks out, and I begin to weep. “No, no! This isn’t right!” This isn’t how the story goes. Yes, the girl may be holed away in a tower for too long, but then the hero arrives and rescues her, and they’re all okay in the end.

  No one dies. Nibs doesn’t die.

  I can’t stop crying. I never got to say goodbye.

  I’d hardly spoken to him at all. I’d locked him out since I was thrown in here. But I could see how guilty he felt, how he didn’t even know how to start a conversation.

  Did I push him away?

  Now he’s gone forever.

  “No!” I scream again. I beat my fists on the curving rock wall.

  My whole body feels caught in a storm. Anger, hot and blazing, fills every aching place inside me, and I face Paige.

  “What did you do to him?”

  She’s infuriatingly calm. “It was your brother, actually. Connor drowned him.”

  She says it so coolly. So matter-of-fact.

  I try to strike out at her. But she just steps to the side, still watching me through those cool green eyes. I stumble, almost falling to the ground, but Slightly grabs my arm, steadying me.

  I don’t want to be steady. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

  So I push away from Slightly and lock my burning eyes on Paige. Glare at her as more tears spill down my face.

  I can’t wake up. This is real. But I want to wipe that insultingly unfeeling look off her face.

  The ashen dust leaks from my skin instantly. Thin, burning flakes that singe the ground and drift like spots of pale ink through the air. The Lost Boys scurry away from me, toward the door, but before they can get out, Paige cuts them off. She quickly pulls the door closed and locks it, tossing the key through the bars. Locking us all inside with her.

  She stands behind Slightly, using him as a shield, and I rail at myself for not moving faster.

  Burning, aching dust continues to ripple out from me, and I come as close as I dare so as not in range to hurt the Lost Boys.

  “Let them go,” I snap at her. “This is between you and me.”

  “Actually, you are exactly where I want you,” Paige says, lifting her pointed chin to smile at me. “I told you I wasn’t done punishing the Lost Boys for their deceit. What better way to teach them a lesson than to use you?”

  She grabs Slightly roughly by the shoulders and shoves him at me. He slams into me and howls as the acid pouring from my skin scorches him.

  I scream too, sharp panic flaring through me.

  Wrenching away from him, I fly across the cell to hover at the back of the room. Slightly has tossed off his shirt and is quickly patting out the other places where flakes of dust are burning him. One of the twins comes forward to help, but in the split second Slightly was near me, my dust has already peppered his body with burns.

  My stomach contorts. I’m desperately trying to slow down my flood of dust, but the fear filling the room is suffocating the calm I’m frantically trying to create.

  “You’re a monster!” I scream at Paige, my voice raw.

  Her look is sardonic. “You’re the monster, Claire. And now you’re my monster. It’s about time you served your purpose.”

  Fear creeps up my throat like bile, choking out my air.

  Paige unsheathes an eerily familiar dagger, pressing the tip into Slightly’s back and forcing him forward, toward me. He looks around for the twins and Cubby for help.

  But their expressions are white with terror, and they look ready to crawl out of their skin. What has this woman done to them that they are so terrified to cross her?

  “Where’s the captain? Or my brother?”

  Paige’s cool expression is locked on me. “They’re both otherwise occupied. It’s just us. And I’m in no hurry.”

  I push against the wall, trying to become small, to put as much space between me and Slightly as possible. But his eyes are still filled with fear—the same fear reflected in the eyes of the twins and Cubby behind him, huddled by the locked cell door.

  I shake my head stubbornly. “I won’t do it. I refuse to hurt them.”

  My dust has already ebbed, and at those words, at the sincerity behind them, it completely vanishes, the air cooling. Slightly’s shoulders visibly lower with relief.

  But Paige shoves him closer, a foot away now. She narrows those chilling eyes on me. “You can try and hide it, but I know what you are . . .”

  She leans in. “You’re the kind who leaves a trail of fractured, broken people in her wake. You couldn’t help Connor, so you just let him go on and become what he is now.”

  I swallow, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to build a wall around my heart to brace against her onslaught of words. “No. I searched for Connor for years. I never gave up on finding him.”

  She lets out a long, barked laugh. “He ran away from you, Claire! Not even your own brother wanted you.” Her eyes narrow, and a shudder ripples over me. “He still doesn’t want you. He can’t even bear to look at you.”

  I press my arms tighter, nails digging into my biceps.

  “That’s not true . . .”

  But the words falter.

  Despite how desperately I’m trying to cling to all the truths I’ve branded into my thoughts over and over to stay alive in this hole of a rock. The things that kept me from dissolving in the darkness. Two months with my own voice in my head. The shadows lapping at my thoughts, hammering to get in.

  But now the darkness is leaking from her lips.

  And my walls are starting to tremble.

  Paige can smell the blood in the water, eyes narrowing on me. “Your brother is falling apart, and you’ve done nothing.”

  I shake my head fiercely.

  “He killed Nibs. Is that the Connor you remember?” She’s grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at her. “Or what about Peter?”

  My mouth goes dry. “Peter?”

  “He was there when Nibs died. But not even the great Pan could save him.” She waves a hand around the room. “And he’s certainly not here to save you. Face it, Claire. Not even Peter wants to rescue you. He’s left you here for weeks to rot.”

  Paige pulls away, letting go of my face, and kicks at Slightly who’s sunk to the floor. He’s gasping down chugs of air to cool the burns rippling his skin.

  “He lied to you in London, and you were too weak to see the truth.”

  That hits like a slap to the face. The deep, seeping shadow that used to fill my veins begins to leak back to the surface.

  Paige gestures for the twins and Cubby to move forward. At first they shake their heads, but then she points her blade toward them. “You know I could slit your throats and Connor would just thank me.”

  She says it so evenly. Calmly.

  The Lost Boys lurch to stand beside Slightly. They’re all far too close now.

  “And you also betrayed Tiger
Lily by joining Hook.”

  I think of Lily and the look on her face as I lifted the Jolly Roger into the air and toward the stars. The same desperate, pained look that had been on Peter’s face.

  Peter may have lied—but I abandoned them. Betrayed them.

  I sink down to the floor of the cell, bury my face in my knees, and wrap my arms around my head. Trying to block out her voice.

  She kneels in front of me, her cool voice penetrating even though my fingers plug my ears.

  “And then you came here to Neverland only to find that you really knew nothing at all. You’re not some beacon of pixie light—just a siren of darkness.”

  “Stop. Just stop,” I whisper.

  “And then there’s Nibs.” And at that, my whole body rocks. Chest growing so tight I can’t breathe. My head spins.

  I want to pass out. I want to stop feeling.

  But I can only feel—and it’s all too much. The nausea and the scream of my pulse in my ears. The way the room spins.

  “Nibs, the boy who begged Hook and me so many times to let you out of here.” Paige’s words cut through me like a blade. Twist. Sink in deep. “The boy who was your friend for years before you even knew who he truly was. Who was only doing what he thought he must to protect you.”

  My heart lurches in my chest, stutters.

  “He died attempting to rescue you, and your own brother killed him for it.”

  I lift my burning eyes, and even as the swimming world dulls, I can still make out Paige’s gaunt form towering over me.

  “Stop.”

  It’s the only fragile word I can utter. But it doesn’t stop her from saying the final sentence that breaks me.

  “You’re a selfish child who only destroys others.”

  I can’t lock it away then.

  The world is consumed by the shadows and the wave of ashen dust that explodes out from me.

  Paige jumps back, shielding herself by throwing Slightly toward me again, and then she’s forcing the twins and Cubby in my direction. This time, they try to push back against her, more afraid of me now than they are her—but Paige has already reached the door. She draws a second key from her pocket and slips outside of the cell.

  She locks them in. Locks all four boys in as they wrestle with the bars and scream at her to let them out.

  I’m horrified as their cries for help turn to screams of pain as my dust reaches them.

  Slightly throws his body over the twins as best he can, but he can’t protect them.

  Neither can I.

  I desperately want to stop myself, but I don’t even feel attached to my own body anymore. I can only watch my ashen, burning dust envelop their bodies and hear their screams.

  I scream, too, and claw at my own body. The more I hammer myself into the floor, trying to quench the storm, the worse it gets.

  The terror that throws me into a full-blown panic attack, shuddering and suffocating and heart skipping beats, also thickens the burning dust.

  I can’t make it stop.

  I’ve never hated myself more than this moment. This moment as my fears and failings turn the air to fire and burn the Lost Boys who have kept me sane these several months and who just risked everything to try and rescue me.

  I scratch at my own arms till I draw blood, trying to stop the thick, ashen flakes that lift over and over from my skin. I look up and see Paige watching through the bars.

  My screams continue to merge with the Lost Boys’.

  I’m about to do something desperate. I reach for a broken shard of glass to stop myself from ever hurting anyone again when suddenly there’s a flash of crimson. “Stop!”

  The cell door is wrenched open and boots storm across the floor. My vision is blurred and burning, and I reach a shaking hand out, thinking finally someone has come to help.

  Instead of a hand finding mine, a heavy cane slams into my temples, and the world goes totally dark.

  I come to sometime later, lying on the ground, a gloved hand moping my forehead. I shudder, and Hook turns me over on my side just in time for me to throw up all over the cell floor.

  He wipes at my mouth with a handkerchief and then offers me some water. I awkwardly pull up to a sitting position, sagging against the cell wall. I manage to turn my head to him as he sits beside me, quietly watching.

  There’s something like sadness in his eyes.

  I’m confused why he’s here. Why he saved me.

  This whole cell looks charred and dark. Blood splatters the floor, and Paige and the Lost Boys are nowhere to be seen.

  “Are . . . they . . . ?” I croak out.

  Hook offers me the cup of water again. “They’re in the infirmary, getting their burns tended to. They’ll survive.”

  Weak with relief, I sag back and let more tears roll down my face.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  He just nods. His hook gently pats my knee. “I told Paige that your brother would not be pleased if he knew she was egging you into panic attacks. He doesn’t want you broken.” The captain shakes his head. “She says I have a soft spot for you.” I look at him, taking in just how wrinkled and weary his features are beneath the gray-flecked beard. “I suppose that it is true. You remind me of her.” He glances toward the closed cell door. “The way she used to be. When she was vibrant and filled with so much potential and spirit.”

  I must look skeptical because he drags his hook against the dirty floor and adds, “I can’t say more, love. But she wasn’t always like this. I hold out hope that one day things will return to how they once were.”

  He’s in denial. I almost feel sad for James Hook. I know what that’s like to be willing to do anything to chase something you hoped could still exist.

  But the world I wanted is gone. The brother I searched for has vanished too.

  And as I stare around this charred, darkened room, I realize if I stay here, Paige will continue to use me.

  I can feel the core of iron, deep inside my heart, the foundation of metal that has always been there. I need it now for what I have to do.

  Hook prepares to leave, now that he knows I’m coherent.

  I manage to get to my feet and lift my hands, I take a breath and step toward the pirate captain.

  Hook turns toward me. “Claire, I—”

  But I’ve already grasped his hook, my hands around the curving metal prong. I look at him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let her make me into her weapon.”

  I unleash my dark dust, letting it fill my palms and pool over James’s hook.

  I’m my own weapon.

  The dust mangles his hook, contorting the curve and sending a few sizzling hot pieces of metal dripping to his polished boots, but I’m not finished. I lift my hands, dark dust filling my palms, and blow it at his chest. It’s not going to kill him, but it’s enough to make his face go white with agony as he falls to his knees.

  That moment is all I need. I quickly remove the cell key from the ring tied to his waist. This door is too thick for me to melt, but with the key, I unlock it in seconds, darting out, and lock it behind me.

  I toss the key and start running.

  The first window I can see is beyond a handful of unsuspecting pirates. I barrel through them before they can react and raise my hands to the thin bars securing it. It only takes a heartbeat to muster the burning dust this time. I spray a handful at the pirates to make them scatter and then coat the bars in the rest.

  The metal turns to liquid and melts away. I hoist myself up and through the hole drilled in the rock before I can lose the rush of adrenaline. I fall through open air for a moment and desperation fills each heartbeat like a ticking clock.

  But then I find one happy thought to latch onto, and my dust ignites to life. It’s frail and uncertain, a hesitant golden color, but it’s just enough to lift me before I crash into the water, and I soar through the humid air away from Skull Rock.

  It’s the first time I’ve felt fresh air and warm sunlight on my skin in what feels
like an eternity.

  As I fly, I glance over my shoulder at the towering crag, wrapped in climbing ivy and the chill of mist. The dense catacombs buried in that skeletal place that have been my prison for so long.

  But my heart is still trapped by the brokenness that bars the restoration of this world.

  There’s so much more to be set free.

  Neverland

  This pixie is about to slap me.

  “Hey! I just want to talk to them, okay? I’m not going to blooming steal their gold or whatever.”

  Her faint coloring grows scarlet as she flies at me, tugging on a strand of my hair and chattering wildly. “They don’t want to talk to you! I already told you!”

  I bat the little pixie away. “But why? Why are the pixies all in a snit?”

  Glimmer does a little flip and jets back around to pause in the air inches from my nose. She sets her little fists on her hips, her dress made of a bedraggled daisy swishing as she glares at me. “You’re the reason Tink is dead and that Connor is so upset!”

  “Hey! That’s not all true. I didn’t realize Connor would—”

  But she crashes into me, slapping a hand over my lips and kicking the bottom of my jaw to make my mouth snap shut. “If you hadn’t taken them to Earth in the first place, if you’d left them here to be raised by Neverland herself, none of this would have ever happened. We could have taken care of our own.”

  Her raging fiery color begins to fade into a weeping orange. I cock my head at her. “How do you even remember when I did that?”

  “We remember the important things,” her little voice says.

  So I let the ache settle, blink a few times and focus on the little pixie hovering in front of me. “Raised by their own? What does that mean?”

  She hovers boldly in the air. “They’re children of Neverland. They belong with us. Not locked away.”

  Watching her skin so pale and her light dimmer than ever, I realize just how much Claire and Connor mean to her. Mean to all of the pixies. When I took them to Earth all those years ago, I didn’t just take the twins away from the island—I took Neverland away from the twins.

  I reach out to her. She tries to dart away, but I gently lift a finger and pat Glimmer’s little head. “You miss her too, don’t you?”