Duty and Desire

by Anju Gattani

  “And the necklace. My, my!” Aunty Meenu added. “So gaudy and—”

  “So what if its gaudy?” Aunty Hemu cut her off. “Hambe. So much money the Dhanrajs have. Too much for ordinary people like us. What do we know of—”

  “So, tell us,” a newcomer aunty in a bright purple sari asked. “Are they really as glamorous as they appear? Do they eat off eighteen-karat gold plates? Are you protected by an army of servants and security guards?”

  “Yes, tell us.”

  Aunty Meenu raised a hand. “More important, do they only wear silks and chiffons? I heard…”

  Sheetal’s head throbbed harder. She had to speak to Mama. There was no way she was going back.

  “Hambe, how matter what they wear or eat? More important, how quickly Sheetal fits in their lifestyle.”

  “All depends on Induji,” Aunty Meena said. “If Indu taught her well to listen, not talk back like so many girls do nowadays, and learn the family’s ways, she’ll hold up the Prasad’s naak.”

  Holding up the family’s nose was a measure of reputation, but Sheetal didn’t care about upholding anything. Why were they talking about her, in front of her, as if she wasn’t there?

  Aunty Hemu ran her fingers over her greasy hair. “All in Sheetal’s hands now. What she is doing. How she is behaving to hold up the Prasad naak.”

  “Oh yes, of course,” Aunty Purple-sari added. “Didn’t we all, in our time? Had I failed to please my husband and in-laws, why, that would be the end of me. Where to go?”

  Aunty Hemu halfway curled the fingers of her right hand and waved that hand side to side. “Log kya kahenge?”

  “Not just a question of what people will say.” Aunty Meenu brushed the air with a hand. “What after? Mess up with your new family. No turning back. Not even to your parents’ home. Just drown in shame.”

  Mama and Papa wouldn’t force her to return. Not after she’d done everything they’d wanted.

  “And take your parents down with you,” Aunty Veena added. “And everyone else you’re tied to.”

  “And then,” Aunty Meenu added, “what man will want you after all that?”

  Sheetal pursed her lips. Arvind would always want her. If, for some reason, he didn’t, she would find a way to make a new life for herself. She owed herself that much. “Does anyone know where Mama is?” she broke into the cacophony of simultaneous conversations. “I saw her briefly and then she had to leave to attend—”

  “We’re all busy,” Aunty Veena answered. “Can’t you see? An extremely busy time for a bride’s mother. So many responsibilities and so much to do after the event. And she has to attend to us, as well, considering how far we travelled for you.”

  “Just for you,” Aunty Meenu added.

  Mama and Papa had paid for their relatives’ tickets. All they had to do was pack and come. Clearly, no aunty intended to help, so Sheetal started to stand. Aunty Veena grabbed her wrist. “No need to get upset. I’m sure Induji will be here soon.”

  Soon? Sheetal’s chest tightened. She had to speak to Mama now.

  “Why so agitated?” Aunty Purple-sari asked.

  “Is something wrong with their family?” an aunty in a turquoise salwar suit scooted closer to Aunty Purple-sari.

  “Come now,” Aunty Veena whispered. “You can tell us.”

  Aunty Hemu tapped Sheetal’s wrist and leaned close. The odor of warm coconut oil and fish caused Sheetal to hold her breath. “He real gentleman? Hambe, Beti, tell me. I read in newspaper, he has high education, very good manners, talk like Amrikan. He treat you gentle, like precious flower?”

  Sheetal slumped against the couch, the pallu’s weight dragging her down. What was she supposed to say?

  A group of older men walked by and Aunty Veena pressed her index finger to her lips.

  A clean-shaven uncle wearing suspenders veered toward them. “Oh, ho! The new bride will be benefiting from all your experience and womanly advice. Good, good.”

  Aunty Veena raised her finger in the air. “Precisely why we’re attending to her.”

  He clapped his hands and squeezed them together. “Well, then we’ll just leave you women folk to your business and be on our way to lunch.” He led the troop of men into the main hall, headed toward the backyard.

  Aunty Veena tucked a loose wisp of hair into her bun and crossed her arms. “Hai, you look somewhat troubled. Didn’t the first night go as planned?”

  “There was a plan?” Sheetal swallowed the bile rising in her throat. She was going to be sick.

  “Unless, of course, he dozed off,” Aunty Veena said.

  Aunty Meena hid a smile behind her hand.

  “Or,” Aunty Veena continued, “Rakeshji’s nowhere close to the dynamic and charming man he portrays to the world and you fell asleep.”

  The women broke into fits of laughter.

  Sheetal’s throat tightened.

  “Hambe.” Aunty Hemu cleared her throat. “In my time, wedding was a two-day event and done. Now, four, five, six days and so many functions. Keeping up with this, that—after second day, I am falling asleep.”

  “You’re comparing today to your time twenty years ago?” Aunty Turquoise-salwar suit called. “You are her mother’s age.”

  “Now, hush everyone. Not a word more of the first night.” Aunty Meenu chortled and gestured to Sheetal’s neck. “We can clearly see.”

  Sheetal reached for the pallu on her left shoulder and tugged the fabric to hide the bruise. A cold palm covered her free left hand. She looked down. Aunty Hemu’s hand rested there.

  “Is hurting?” Aunty Hemu whispered, her eyes welling. “So deep?”

  Sheetal fumbled for an explanation. “I…I guess I’m not used to wearing such heavy clothes. The safety pin must have dug into my skin all night long.”

  “What rubbish.” Aunty Meenu snapped. “It should hurt. In English, how they say? No pain, no gain?”

  “Infinite gain for this one here,” Aunty Veena added icily. “She’ll rule her palace like a queen.”

  Sheetal’s heart grated the pit of her stomach. She swallowed back tears. If only they knew.

  “How you all behave!” Aunty Hemu snapped. “Someone get her Boroplus.” She referred to an antiseptic cream that claimed to cure most skin ailments.

  “It’s not infected,” Aunty Turquoise-salwar suit replied. “An icepack three times a day should cure. Three to four days, at least. Not like a headache, one pill and gone. Pure common sense.”

  “Arrey, what makes sense is perhaps the Dhanrajs aren’t as polished and refined as Induji and Ranaji make them out to be.” Meenu Aunty raised her eyebrows. “Just because you have money, doesn’t mean you have everything. You know how some people exaggerate the truth to make another look grander, especially when it’s about the family they’ve married their children into.”

  Sheetal straightened her posture. “My parents don’t lie.”

  “Hai!” Aunty Veena cupped a hand to her mouth. “Dekho, dekho! Now she insists we are accusing her parents of lying.”

  “I didn’t say that.” Sheetal looked from Aunty Veena to Meenu and back. “I only meant—”

  “Tell us what you mean,” Aunty Purple-sari said. “I’ve been hearing about how perfect the Dhanrajs are for years. Not a blemish. Not a scandal to their name. How to believe for a second the Prasads could have scored an ace alliance in the first go without something up their sleeve? Every family has weaknesses.”

  “Loopholes,” someone threw in.

  “Induji and Ranaji are hiding something,” Aunty Veena said. “I can smell it. Or why would a family the likes of the Dhanrajs”—she raised a hand in the air—“take a girl from the Prasads?” She lowered her hand halfway and her bangles clinked. “I sent my Nandini’s photo and biodata to them, but no word back.” Nandini was Aunty Veena’s oldest daughter and because her proposal to Rakesh hadn’t been accepted, Nandini had refused to attend the wedding. “My Nandini
is twenty-six. Perfect match, four years younger than Rakeshji. Not a child of twenty-two.”

  “Loophole. De-fi-nitely b-i-g loophole,” someone joined in.

  “Hambe. Give her a chance to say something,” Aunty Hemu raised her voice.

  “We’re all ears,” Aunty Veena said. “How did your parents hook you two up? Speak.”

  Sheetal calmed her breathing. “Mama and Papa did absolutely nothing wrong. Rakesh is the perfect gentleman. Mummyji was there for me first thing this morning, and I don’t have to lift a finger in my new home.”

  “Sheetal? That you?”

  Sheetal craned to see past the heads of Aunties Hemu and Meenu. A slender woman in black trousers and an orange blouse stood at the main door. The young woman hurried across the room.

  “Kavita!” Sheetal jumped to her feet, wove through the barricade of women’s legs and hugged her best friend. “Where have you been? There were so many people, I didn’t see you at the wedding.”

  “Tied up.” Kavita tried to pull away, but Sheetal held tight. “Don’t want to spoil your clothes, if you know what I mean.”

  “They’re just clothes.” Sheetal allowed her to pull away but held onto Kavita’s shoulders.

  Kavita skimmed Sheetal from head to toe. “Don’t want to mess up the look.”

  Sheetal’s heart ached. Had money now distanced their friendship? First Arvind, now Kavita. Who else would she lose because of this marriage? She led Kavita toward the east wing and stopped well away from the aunties and their side-eyed stares.

  “Something wrong?” Kavita asked.

  “Last night… I— He hurt me.”

  “What do you mean, hurt?”

  “I didn’t want to—you know. Rakesh forced me and there was nothing I could do to stop him.”

  “He raped you?”

  Shame welled up Sheetal’s throat. She nodded.

  Kavita’s jaw dropped. A deafening silence hung between them. “Have you told anyone?”

  “No one here. Just you.”

  “Tell your mom. This is unacceptable. He doesn’t have a right to— No one has a right to and get away— Does anyone— Your in-laws know?”

  “Just my mother-in-law, who barged into my bedroom this morning and started commanding me around.”

  Kavita raised a hand to her temple and stared at Sheetal. “You have to tell your mom.”

  Sheetal took a deep breath to maintain her composure but a tear spilled. She turned her back on the women. “I don’t want to go back. He’ll hurt me again.”

  “I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Look, your mom’s headed this way. Tell her now.”

  Sheetal looked over her shoulder. Mama strode toward them from the main entrance. The cluster of aunties called out to her. Mama’s attention shifted from Sheetal to the congregation.

  “Go tell her now before those cows hog her attention.” Kavita pulled Sheetal by the arm toward Mama.

  “Kavita.” Mama halted near the cluster of aunties. “What are you doing here?”

  “Hello, Aunty.” Kavita released Sheetal and pressed her palms together. “Namaste.”

  “Don’t namaste me. I don’t remember inviting you.”

  The aunties murmured and scooted closer. Mama led Kavita and Sheetal toward the glass wall. “She doesn’t need any more of your bad influence. First you elope and shame your family, then to prove you’re right, you’re here to turn Sheetal against her husband and family?”

  The air thickened. Is that why she didn’t see Kavita and Gaurav at the wedding? Why didn’t Kavita tell her? And what about the letter? Did Kavita give it to Arvind?

  “Oh my!” Aunty Meenu squeaked. “She’s the girl who eloped and—”

  Shocked murmurs erupted in the cavernous hall. “Shhh,” someone hissed.

  “Some things never change,” Kavita murmured and glanced sideways.

  “Why is she even here?” someone asked.

  “What did I say about selfish girls?” Aunty Veena demanded. “First, they elope against their parents’ wishes, then expect a welcome. What’s wrong with this generation? What are they thinking?”

  “Arrey, they are not thinking,” Aunty Meenu said. “That’s why they end up the way they do.”

  “Aunty,” Kavita kept her voice low, “Sheetal has something important to tell you.”

  “And what could be so important that you must intervene?”

  “We need to talk, Mama. In private.”

  Mama crossed her arms and faced Kavita. “What have you done now?”

  “Nothing,” Kavita said.

  “This has nothing to do with her,” Sheetal said. “It’s Rakesh.”

  “I see.” Mama raised her eyebrows at Kavita. “So, you have already turned her against Rakesh.”

  “Mama!” Sheetal grabbed Kavita’s wrist. “She’s not turning me against anyone—”

  “Enough.” Mama looked at her watch, then at Kavita. “It’s not enough that you shamed your family. Stay away from her. I have ten minutes to spare, then I have to see to lunch preparations.”

  “Ten minutes?” Sheetal felt lightheaded. “This is about my life.”

  “Not here.” Mama glanced sideways at the aunts who had lowered their voices even more, no doubt to eavesdrop. She looked at Kavita. “You’re more than welcome to leave.” She turned to Sheetal. “Follow me.” She headed toward the hall.

  Sheetal followed, entered Papa’s den behind Mama and closed the door. She turned.

  Mama pulled a chair for herself, swiveled it ninety degrees and sat at Papa’s table. She propped her right elbow on the table’s edge, cupped her head in her palm and glanced at her watch again. “That girl’s nothing but trouble. Stay away from her.”

  Sheetal leaned against the door. “I’m not going back.”

  “That’s your home now. Your duty lies first and foremost with them.”

  “That’s not my home.”

  “Look, Sheetal. I just sent off about sixty people for a sightseeing tour. I’ve got to supervise preparations for lunch because there’s easily another hundred people or so in the house and I’m expecting another forty or fifty who didn’t go on the tour and—”

  “Mama. Did you hear me? I’m not going back.”

  “What is it with you and your never-ending drama?”

  Sheetal swallowed through a dry throat. Is that all her problems were to Mama? Drama?

  “If this is about Arvind—”

  “He hurt me.”

  “I told you all along he’d hurt you. On the day of your wedding, he came to harass you. Wasn’t I right?”

  “I’m talking about Rakesh. He hurt me last night.”

  Mama’s neck and cheeks turned a light shade of pink. Her elbow slid off the table’s edge and she looked away. “Well, you know these things are—” She fidgeted with the bangles on her wrist. “Every woman must deal with it in her own way and…”

  Sheetal tried to make eye contact, but Mama looked down at her orange sari pleats. “He used force on me.”

  Mama took a deep breath and shook her head. “Look, Sheetal. It’s in your nature to fight. To go against anything you disagree with instead of reasoning things out. That’s how you are, and that Kavita has put ideas in your head. But just because Papa and I tolerated your rebellious behavior all these years doesn’t mean others will. Learn to think of others first.”

  Sheetal lowered the pallu on her left shoulder and her heart welled in her throat. “You mean like this?”

  Silence filled the room and Mama cupped a hand over her mouth. “He did this?”

  Sheetal nodded.

  Mama’s attention fell to the floor. “I…I know it’s hard, but…but try to be a good wife. An understanding wife, so this doesn’t happen again. Agree to and adjust to their ways. Don’t make it harder on yourself.”

  Sheetal swallowed. “I tried, Mama. I told you he’s—”

  “Try harder. You’ve o
nly been married a few hours. Your whole life is ahead of you, but if you do anything or say anything stupid, you’re giving all those women out there a chance to spread gossip.”

  Anger fueled a fire in the pit of her heart. Didn’t Mama want to know what happened? Didn’t she care? “Why do you assume Kavita’s behind this? Or—”

  “You didn’t say— Tell those women what Rakesh did, did you?”

  “I lied. I made up something about the safety pin digging into my skin.”

  “Did Kavita say a word?”

  “No.”

  “At least that girl did one thing right.” She rose. “Speak good of the Dhanrajs because their reputation is now in your hands. And don’t think for a second you can just walk back in when you feel like, because now you are like a guest in this house. You need your in-law’s permission to come here. And that’s exactly what Veenaji, Meenuji and the others are waiting for. One chance to prove they are right.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Mirror Mirror

  By the second night, the curtain of flowers around the nuptial bed had been removed. Sheetal slipped under the quilt, on the side of the bed closest to the bathroom, so she could run and take cover should the need arise. She turned to face the wall, her back to the empty half of the bed, and closed her eyes, willing sleep to come quickly.

  A soft swish filled the silence. The scent of mint preceded a slight jostle as the mattress springs lifted gently and then settled back. Rakesh!

  “So, darling, how far do we take it tonight?” Rakesh cupped the right side of her face and forced her to look at him. He slid his other hand under the pink satin nighty and snapped open the clasp of her bra.

  Sheetal stopped breathing and stared into the two moons of his eyes. Do not give into fear.

  “A challenge?” He inched away. “Interesting. Perhaps I should leave you alone and just continue my good ol’ bachelor ways. Assume I never married you. Nothing between us.” He grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter from the bedside table.

  “There is nothing between us.”

  “Oh, so you talk! Not just a pretty face in pretty clothes.” He tapped out a cigarette, lit it, and puffed white clouds of smoke. “I realized from the get-go you were different from the other thirty ladies dying to be Mrs. Dhanraj. There was something about you…” He waved the cigarette in the air. “Secrets.”