My Wife's Baby

by Niomie Roland

  She wanted very much to talk, but the exhaustion of the day before had taken its toll on her. She had to find a way to sneak off to the appointment with Greg without telling him.

  The knock came again and seconds later the door swung open slowly to let him in. Her heart broke. Did he really have to knock before entering our bedroom? Were they now strangers?

  She watched without saying a word as he walked to the wardrobe. He opened it and began to take out clothes. His movements were quick and efficient as he chose shirts, trousers, t-shirts, denims and briefs and threw them on the floor. When he had gathered enough, he pulled out the blue duffel bag he had returned from Mississippi with and began to stuff the clothes in. Brad was not the careless kind who just threw clothes into bags. Careful folding was his style. He was obviously in a hurry here.

  Where is he going?

  “What are you doing?” she asked him.

  He stopped moving for a moment and considered her question. Then he continued putting the clothes in the bag.

  “Brad.” She rolled to the side of the bed and got down. “Brad please answer me.”

  Again he stopped. “I’m leaving.”

  “Why?”

  “Did you just ask me why?”

  She had no answer to that question, so she asked him the other question on her mind. “What about Aaryn? What do we tell her?”

  “I’ll still be in town, so I can still spend time with her.”

  She walked up to where he was bent over the rapidly reducing pile of clothes and knelt beside him. “You don’t have to do this, please.”

  “I have to, don’t you see?” he stopped packing and turned to face her. “I have to.”

  “I don’t see anything,” she said.

  “It’s a pity you don’t,” his words were slow as he resumed with stuffing his clothes in his gym bag.

  “Brad I didn’t cheat on you.” She tried to make her voice as firm as she could, and she held his gaze when he searched her eyes. If he could find the truth in them then let him look as much as he wanted.

  “Then how did you get pregnant?”

  She felt her blood pressure raise. “I don’t know.”

  “Did someone rape you?”

  “No! I would’ve told you if someone hurt me.” She wanted to scream. When will this nightmare be over?

  “So how are you pregnant if you didn’t get raped and you didn’t cheat?”

  “I don’t go to other men’s homes and I don’t bring them here either. Please believe me.”

  “What about Greg?”

  She paused. There was no way she could tell him about that night at the hotel. He would never believe her. “We only hung out twice at this restaurant…”

  “Russo’s?” he still remembered. The rage that had boiled in him as he read the chat started to stir again now. It was visible in the darkening of his eyes.

  “Yes, Russo’s.”

  “Why did you have to go out with him? You’re married now with a family for God’s sake.”

  “I told you he wanted to catch up.”

  “And the first time was not enough for the all the catching up he wanted to do?”

  “It was. I initiated the second meeting.” She hoped to God that she wasn’t making things worse between them.

  His jaw almost dropped. “What-why?”

  “Greg is back because his brother is trying to get back their father’s position at their firm. He is more important there now than he was before their father died.”

  “So?”

  She responded quietly, “I thought he could help you get in.”

  “What the fuck?” Brad’s face turned beet red.

  “You’ve always said that your interest is in corporate law. That’s what they do.”

  “And did you ever consider that I wouldn’t want a job working for your ex-boyfriend?”

  She hadn’t. “I’m sorry.”

  “So that’s why you met Greg? I can’t believe this shit!”

  “Yes, I swear. Baby please I’m sorry. I only wanted to help.”

  “And he kept talking about showing you things.”

  “That was just him talking trash. You know he is a womanizer.”

  Brad stared at her.

  “What, you don’t think I had sex with him, do you?”

  “Did you?”

  Did I? “Oh God,” the tears started to come. She sat on the floor and let them fall freely. “When did it come to this? Is this how you see me?”

  Brad said nothing.

  “You think I’m a whore who has sex with people in exchange for a job?”

  His lips remained the way they were, compressed into a thin line.

  “Baby you think I don’t know how good of a lawyer you are? Why would I have to sleep with someone who should feel fortunate to have you as part of the team at their firm?”

  Brad swallowed. He was getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

  “Is it this easy to lose your trust?”

  “No,” he replied at last. “You say you have never cheated on me. I am inclined to believe that. You have never given me reason to. But then you are also saying that you are pregnant. The timing doesn’t add up.” Saying it out loud tortured him to the very depths of his soul. “And we know that the baby isn’t mine. So how did you become pregnant?”

  “I don’t know. I swear I don’t know!” She defended vehemently.

  Alana’s words came out in heaves and gasps. Her sobbing was making her shake like one in the grip of a convulsion. In all her adult life the only other time she had ever cried like this was when she got the news of her father’s death three years ago. He had just been on the cusp of seventy. A man who was still bubbling with life, always bring laughter with him where he went. Then, Brad had been around to cuddle and comfort her as she grieved for him. His shoulders had been soaked with her tears and his arms rocked her to sleep every night.

  Now he was just watched her as she cried without comforting her. His hands hung limp at his sides.

  “I love you Alana.” His voice was soft. “I don’t think I can stop loving you. But you see this… it is something I can’t live with. You don’t expect me to stay here and pretend all is well when everything I can see tells me the opposite.”

  Alana wanted to talk but the tears kept coming and she kept heaving. Her words were choked off in her throat before they found their way to her mouth.

  “I have to go,” Brad said. “I need time to decide if I can accept this. And the fact that you aren’t telling me everything is making things difficult. It’s making me feel like a fool.”

  “I’ve told you everything!” Alana protested.

  Brad shook his head silently. Without another word he finished his packing and got to his feet with the bag slung over his shoulders.

  “Brad please don’t go,” Alana begged him.

  He bent down and kissed her forehead, he then straightened up and left.

  ***

  Alana was heartbroken, but partially relieved when Brad left. She didn’t have to make an excuse or lie about where she was going when it was time for her appointment with Greg.

  He texted her about what time they should meet, but she was so distraught that she asked him to pick her up instead. They dropped Aaryn off at daycare, then went to take the blood test.

  When it was over, Greg drove her home, and awkward silence followed.

  “So I guess we just wait.” Greg broke the silence.

  “Yup.” Alana stared straight ahead.

  She could feel him staring at the side of her face. “Alana…” he started softly, but then he paused. “Just get out of my car!”

  His tone was so firm that she was startled. She quickly unclicked her seatbelt and got out. She had barely closed the door before Greg was peeling off. It was then that she looked up and saw Brad staring at her from where he was parked across the street. Her heart dropped.

  She watched as he got out of his car, then made his way over to where she was stan
ding in front of their house.

  “You know,” he started. “I had second thoughts about leaving. After your desperate pleas, I was almost convinced that this was all one big misunderstanding and that I needed to stick it out to figure out what was going on. So I came back. And this is what I see.” He gestured toward where Greg’s car had just left a few moments ago.

  “Brad…” Alana couldn’t find any words to explain herself.

  “No need to say anything else, Alana. Your actions have spoken quite clearly for you.”

  With that, he turned and went back to his car. The tears streamed down her face as her heart sank. This time, there was no calling him back.

  ***

  Leaving his house the second time was the hardest thing Brad had ever done. Every fiber of his being screamed at him not to. He was walking away from the only love he had ever known. Even though he hadn’t dated other girls and therefore couldn’t compare, he still knew that what he shared with Alana was the purest, sweetest form of love. There was a possibility he would never find it elsewhere.

  He walked away from Alana with fear clinging onto his back and two cold hands covering his heart. But his steps never faltered. He knew he couldn’t stay. Staying meant death. No, not physical death. It was the kind that ate up the soul slowly until at some point there would be nothing left. He had to leave the house before he became a shell.

  Last night he had spoken with Aaryn before tucking her in.

  “Baby I have to leave for some time,” he told her.

  “Where are you going daddy?” She asked him. “I want to go with you. Mommy too.” Alana stood at the Aaryn’s door, and he heard when she let out a soft sob and then he heard her footsteps retreating to what used to be their bedroom.

  “Um… Mississippi, and you can’t come with me this time.”

  “Why? You just came back.”

  “Yeah I know baby, but I have to.”

  “Please don’t go.”

  “I’ll come back soon to visit you.”

  “Don’t go.” She begged just as her eyes became wet with tears. His heart ached.

  “I’ll get you all the cookies you want.”

  “Stay, I miss you!”

  “We will see each other soon. You’re daddy’s favorite girl, remember?”

  “No!” She yelled in a fit of anger. Please stay daddy!” She was sobbing now. The tears rolling down her cheeks broke his heart, but he knew more than his heart would be broken if he stayed here.

  They did not conclude the discussion. He rocked her to sleep while playing her favorite song: “My Precious One”. It lulled her to sleep and ebbed her heart-wrenching sobs quicker than she could muster an opposition.

  Leaving was tough. But he did it. There was a job waiting in Mississippi. He would take it and he would try to find peace. Maybe he would learn to forgive Alana, for the sake of what they had, for the sake of their daughter. Or maybe he would learn to forget and move on, for the sake of his sanity, his soul.

  25

  Mississippi is among the most religious states in the United States of America. Liam and his family were among the more than sixty percent of the population who believed in one God or the other. They went to one of the Pentecostal churches in Jackson and after one month of hiding out in his rented apartment in Pearl on Sundays, they managed to get Brad to come with them.

  He sought solace in the sermons he listened to every Sunday and the passages he read from the bible on Saturday evening, but they only raised more questions. But then there was faith to keep him going. Everything would be fine even if it looked like it had all gone to hell.

  He had given up a blossoming career to come here and work in a family firm where he was not under any serious pressure. Unlike what he had felt, it didn’t bring him the satisfaction he had hoped it would bring. Instead it brought lethargy.

  He missed the very things he had dreaded; the adrenaline rush that came with every case, the crazy palpitations that came with every judgment he listened to. He missed writing briefs. He was the in-house lawyer for the Saunders Oral and part of management as the head of human resources, but that didn’t bring as much excitement as wearing suits and sweet talking a jury into giving him what he wanted.

  He spent entire days agonizing over the distance between he and his daughter. Chatting with her every night via video calls was not nearly as satisfactory as having her in his arms or playing with her.

  He spent nights missing Alana and wishing he didn’t walk out on her. He would spend hours imagining so many possibilities that would have been preferable to what their marriage turned into. There was one which frequented his mind more than the others: What if he hadn’t traveled to Mississippi? A part of his mind told him it didn’t matter. A woman who wanted to cheat would still cheat. Cliff’s wife monitored him and read his texts messages whenever she thought he wasn’t looking. But he still did his thing behind her back because there were fool proof ways of covering his tracks.

  He would imagine an alternate reality where she wasn’t pregnant, or the baby she carried was in fact his. They would both be happy and looking forward to the birth of their son or daughter. Aaryn would have no need to manage with a single parent when she had two. He would have no need to be in Mississippi seeking to quiet the voices in his head.

  Sleep would only reach for him after he was exhausted by his endless thoughts. In the morning he would wake with dark circles around his eyes.

  Cliff called him non-stop in the first week of his absence from the firm and tried different tricks to get him to come back. Old Roger had gone ballistic when he learned that he was leaving. After raging and threatening him with the future and a few other things that did not make sense the old codger had offered a generous pay raise, but that came too late.

  Alana didn’t call anymore. She sent texts, long texts that detailed how miserable her life was without him. But he didn’t reply to them. What was there to say? He had told her what his decision was. He needed time away, a lot of time. He needed to find peace. It was only when he had peace that he would be able to try to work things out. Not before.

  It was her brother that he had a long talk with. He flew into Jackson on a sweltering Sunday, where leaving an air-conditioned space for a minute meant getting soaked with sweat. He came down in a baggy t-shirt and shorts as if he had known about the heat before flying out.

  Johnson told him that he understood why he did what he did. He would be tempted to do the same if he found himself in the same situation. But he still had to remember that Alana loved him. And that they had a daughter who was missing him sorely. Brad understood. But the peace he was in search of still eluded him, so he couldn’t come back home anytime soon. He knew Alana loved him. He loved her too, enough to be willing to work things out. Why couldn’t she just be honest with him?

  Olivia didn’t make things easy for him. She was a constant distraction. Against his expectations she stuck around him, bringing him daily doses of laughter. She was content with being just friends. But he knew that she was also ready to take anything that was more than mere friendship, provided he offered it. The fact that she expected he would offer it at some point put him in a difficult position.

  ***

  The months Brad stayed away were torture. Alana seemed to just exist and not live. She became a shadow of herself. With every day that passed by, she lost her ability to laugh. Waking up and making meals were done only for the sake of Aaryn.

  Greg wasn’t the father.

  It was the most painful, humiliating, and confusing day of her life when she finally got the results and read them over and over again. She carefully studied each word of the letter that was sent, trying to make sure she was reading it correctly.

  If Greg wasn’t the father, who was? It had to be Brad!

  She wished so much that he hadn’t seen her that day when Greg dropped her off after the blood test. If he hadn’t seen them together, maybe they would have had a fighting chance at saving their marriage.<
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  She lost her focus and stopped working when the baby bump started to show. How her sisters and her mother got to know about the whole saga was a mystery. Johnson denied telling them. But they still found out.

  Though they stood by her and gave her all the support they could, she still sensed this chasm between them. They probably felt that her predicament was her own doing. It was hard for them to understand her insistence that there was no other person. They couldn’t comprehend her determination to keep the paternity of the baby hidden. It just didn’t make sense to them, because they didn’t believe her. Their disbelief created the gulf that kept them apart when she needed them emotionally.

  When they told her that everything would be fine all she heard was that everything would have been fine, if she hadn’t messed up.

  You find out how much a person loves you by how much your actions affect them. Brad’s exit from her life made her realize how deeply she loved and needed him. But it annoyed her greatly too. It was something she had not brought upon herself. How she wished she never met up with Greg or kept in contact with him. Hindsight.

  Most of her nights were spent trying to determine who could have gotten her pregnant. It was like trying to find her way in a maze that was made to lose people. It could’ve only been Brad, but the time of conception isn’t adding up.

  The nights she wasn’t consumed by the thoughts of the baby’s father, she wondered what Brad was doing in Mississippi. Who was he seeing? Had Liam set him up with someone? Was she pretty?

  The two things she dreaded most was waking up one day to get a divorce summons or waking up to the news that Brad was getting remarried to someone else. Her heart floundered at that tormenting thought. Somehow, she kept nursing the hope that he would come back and accept her and this baby. He loved her too much to simply walk out of her life forever. Besides, there was Aaryn to consider.