(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "Really? What did you make?" He actually sniffs the air.

  "Chicken cacciatore. You just have to heat it up later."

  "Thank you. But I told you I didn't need you to cook for me, though I'm sure it'll be delicious."

  Feeling totally awkward suddenly, I have to explain something so Malcolm understands. "I'm not a freeloader, Malcolm." Watching him visibly cringe at my words, I continue. "If I'm staying here I have to either pay you or work for it. So please just accept the dinner I made because I don't want to be obligated to you."

  "Of course you don't," he says a little coldly. "Understood. Are you ready for work?"

  "Yes." Looking at him NOT looking at me, I try again. "I didn't mean anything badly by that and I wasn't trying to offend you or anything."

  "I know you didn’t, Saige," he exhales hard. "Let’s just go. I have to get back to the site," he waits back by the door as I slip on my shoes.

  Leaving his house, there's definitely tension that wasn't there before, and I don't know how to fix it. I know I didn't say anything wrong- I was actually explaining something right so he understood me. I don't use people, and I don't want him to ever think of me like that.

  "Q&A?" I ask trying again in his SUV.

  "Maybe later," he smiles briefly before rounding Montgomery Park for the expressway.

  Parking out front D'Vecseys with his hazards on, Malcolm finally speaks. "So I'll be waiting for you right here at 11:45. Just text when you're ready to leave, okay?"

  "Okay. Thank you." Turning in my seat, Malcolm's watching me and I'm watching him and everything feels so tense between us.

  "What did I do wrong, Malcolm? I don't like all this tension."

  "You didn't do anything wrong. I'll see you when you're done," he repeats again effectively stopping the conversation.

  "Okay. Have a good day and evening."

  "You too. Thanks again for dinner."

  "You're welcome." Opening the truck door, I feel awkward again. Do I lean over and kiss him? Is that what's missing? God, I don't know what to do. So I do nothing.

  "Bye."

  “See ya,” he smiles driving away immediately.

  Opening the big wooden doors to the restaurant I feel awful inside. I can admit I love spending my time with Malcolm hanging out, and I know this summer would’ve been so different for me without him in my life. I know I wouldn't have felt half as strong and secure, or even half as ready to move past everything Tyler did had I not met Malcolm.

  I know I wouldn't have moved past the depression and the fear half as fast, and I wouldn't have been distracted from when I was hurt if Malcolm hadn't been such a huge, awesome presence around me.

  I love so much about my time with Malcolm this summer but I'm not in love with him- I know I'm not. I know he told me how he feels last night, and it was amazing to hear. But the bottom line is, I don't feel the same.

  I like him a lot, and I love being around him, but I'm really not in love with him, and I don't know how to make that okay between us now that he's told me how he feels about me.

  By 6:30 I'm exhausted. I have only 4 1/2 hours of service to go before the cleanup but I feel so drained and sore and just exhausted from everything again. Maybe between my emotionally exhausting weekend with the break-in at my apartment, or the physical exertion from working on the door yesterday, I don't know. But my arms are killing me, my shoulders hurt, and I'm feeling a little sadder today than I have in a while.

  "I'm leaving," Selena interrupts my internal whining. "How are you?"

  "You've asked me that question every single hour today, and the answer won't change. I'm fine," I smile at her.

  "Yeah, okay. Anyway, I know I asked, but how was last night with Malcolm?"

  "I already told you it was fine."

  "You did tell me it was fine. Over and over again. But you look like shit and somehow I doubt it's because everything was fine. So spill."

  Looking at Selena, I actually do need advice. I need to know how to make this friendship/kissing thing with Malcolm work, and I need to know what to do about all the other stuff.

  "He told me he's in love with me," I whisper to her huge smile and gasp. Repeating every single word he said, Selena giggles, swoons, tears up and smiles the more I speak. Actually holding my hand by the end, I'm crying and she's smiling shaking her head.

  "I don't know what to do," I beg desperately.

  "You do whatever you want. If you feel like kissing him, you kiss him. If you just want a hug you snuggle in deep. And if you really don't love him you tell him now so this thing between you doesn't become bigger than either of you can handle."

  "I like him so much, and I love being around him, but I'm not in love with him. And I don't want to lose his friendship because of it." Shrugging, that pretty much says it all. "I'm scared if he can't have me like he wants, he won't have me at all."

  Hugging me, Selena says, "I doubt he would stop being your friend even if you told him you weren't in love with him. But if he did that's his problem to deal with, not yours." Looking at Hershal I have to get back to work, but I really need Selena to tell me what to do.

  "Stop thinking so much, and just enjoy him, Saige. Malcolm is the kind of man most women wish their men were like, and he's the kind of person you want to keep in your life always."

  "I know. Shit, I have to go. Hershal's tapping his watch," I grin when she looks over at him and waves. "Please don't discuss this with anyone."

  "Never. Call me later if you need to talk."

  "I may be moving back home on Wednesday."

  "Well, that's awesome for me and Griffin, not so awesome for you and Malcolm," she pats my hand. "Don't make any decisions yet, Saige. Just chill out until you know what to do."

  "Thank you." Hugging Selena again, I'm no closer to an answer with Malcolm, but the sadness isn't as heavy as it was before talking to her.

  By 10:00 I'm done. Cleaning and tidying before the official close I'm obsessed with thinking of Malcolm, and I'm totally obsessed with what I should do when I see him. Between jumping him in his SUV with a kiss to make him happy, or crying and telling him I'm unhappy, I can't figure out what to do.

  Checking my phone I see a message from a few hours ago from Malcolm.

  'Dinner was delicious. Thank you. I'd like to talk tonight if you're not too tired when you're done. Have a good night. I missed you today.'

  Well, talk is good, certainly better than not talking. And I'm glad he missed me today, because I missed him, too.

  *****

  Walking out the front doors, Mike nods at Malcolm as he walks to me. Leaning down low, he hugs me before I can even speak.

  "Hi," he smiles letting me go.

  "Hi back," I reply like we always do.

  "Ready?" He turns opening the passenger side door for me so I can climb in. "You look tired," he says before closing the door on me.

  "I was just on my feet for 11 hours, so yeah, I'm a little tired," I huff not really at him but more at this weirdness between us. "Can we just go?" I reach for the door handle to close him out.

  Waiting only seconds for him to get in on his side, I decide to speak first. I can't stand this shit between us, and I won't deal with it if he's going to always be frosty when he doesn't like something I do or say.

  "Malcolm, I don't kiss with morning breath, and I don't kiss just because you want me to. I kiss because I want to."

  "I know. I-"

  "Just listen to me," I interrupt until he quiets with the truck Idling. "I remember every single word you said to me last night. I remember it and it was probably the most amazing night of my life. But I also remember the rest of what you said. You said you would be patient and you would wait for me. You said you were afraid to push me too hard and too fast. You said you’re in love with me, but that you'd wait for me to get there with you. You said that," I push.

  "I know I did."

  "Okay, so here's where I’m at- I like you and I care about you. I'm even attracted to you,
and really, I just think you're amazing to me and maybe even for me. But I'm not where you are, and even though I kind of wish I was, I'm not. So if I don't act the way you want or reciprocate the way you want you can't be mad or frosty with me."

  "I know."

  "You can't be frosty with me for not feeling what you feel because you told me you’d wait for me to get there. But the very first morning after the most beautiful confession anyone has ever said to me, when I didn't kiss you because I think it's gross to kiss with morning breath not because of you, you were weird with me. Then hours later because I cooked you friggin' dinner because I wanted to, because it made me feel better about this temporary living arrangement you got frosty with me again. And that's not fair, and I hated it. And you made me sad today."

  "I'm sorry," he leans over to take my hand when I let him.

  "So this is it, Malcolm- take it or leave it. I DO like you. Actually I really like you and how I feel when I'm with you. I love the teasing and the funny and all the comfort I experience when I'm with you, but I'm not in love with you. So if you can't handle me being independent, trying somehow to make things a little more even so I don't feel like I'm using you, then that's your problem. Just like it’s my problem if you say things to me I have a hard time believing. But I'm not going to change, and I'm not going to pretend with you. I won't stick around if I feel pressured to be or do something you want when I don't feel it yet."

  Winding down my speech, Malcolm doesn't interrupt so I can finish this between us. "I enjoyed kissing you last night, and I really enjoyed sleeping beside you. But I'll walk away before I let you make me feel badly for not feeling what you feel. I will, Malcolm, because I don't need any more stress right now, not from a friend and not from a more than a friend. Okay?"

  "Absolutely," he replies turning right in his seat to look at me again. "I get it, and I'll stop getting frosty, as you put it. I was more nervous than anything this morning that you would change your mind or regret the kissing so when you pulled away from the kiss it made me feel like you were pulling away from me. But I understand- no morning breath kissing," he smiles a little.

  "And about dinner, that too was just an over-reaction to you using the word obligation, though I also get where you're coming from. I don't use people either and I would hate to be seen like that. So yes, I would probably do the same thing under the circumstances to 'make things more even,'" he quotes. "I just don't feel that way about you, Saige. I like you in my home and I love you around me, so obligation for me doesn't apply. But I get it."

  "And the other stuff?"

  "Much harder. I did say I would be patient, and I actually meant it. But it's hard to be patient because I want you and I want you to want me and I know I have to wait for you to get there. But I'm there, so it's really hard to want something kind of in my reach that I just can't have."

  "Yet," I whisper sensing his sadness.

  "Yet," he nods. "I can wait for you. I've been waiting for you for 31 years, so," he sighs, "I can wait a while more. But I need you to understand something too- I'm telling you the truth of my feelings and that won't stop whether you walk away or not. I'll wait for you, because I have to. Okay?"

  "Yes."

  Looking at Malcolm I go for the spontaneous. With the SUV still idling and Malcolm looking both relieved and growly handsome watching me, I flick off my seatbelt quickly and jump him.

  Kissing him he actually startles beneath me and moans when we touch. He doesn't move though until I beg, "Kiss me," and finally he takes my head in his hands, pulls me right over him and kisses me back.

  Almost desperately we kiss hard and fast and heavier than the night before. We kiss until I'm breathless and we kiss until my ass suddenly hits the horn and we both jump against each other.

  Bursting out laughing, Malcolm exhales across my face and grins in his way that lights up his whole face. "Horny?" He laughs at his stupid teenage joke making me laugh again.

  Pushing myself back over his lap and seat I slump into mine and blush again as he watches me. "When I kiss you, Malcolm, I always want you to kiss me back."

  "Okay," he squeezes my hand. Leaning toward me again, Malcolm kisses my cheek and breathes in my ear, "And when you hand me my ass, it’s hot as hell, Saige."

  "Good," I kiss his lips quickly before he pulls away to start driving. “Then I’ll do it often,” I grin as he laughs.

  "Q&A?" I ask a few minutes before we enter the expressway.

  "Hit me."

  "Why aren't you married?"

  "I didn't meet the right woman before you," he grins over at me.

  "Good answer,” I giggle before getting serious again. “But why not? You're pretty awesome, Malcolm. So I doubt it was because you didn't have women who wanted to marry you."

  "Do you get jealous?" He asks instead of answering.

  Thinking about me and Tyler I know I wasn't. But then I remember what I was like with Malcolm and that woman Agnes, and even sometimes when Selena flirts and teases and I suddenly realize I can be.

  "I never was before. But Tyler was my only boyfriend, and I trusted him," I scoff a little. "But, I’ve been jealous around you, so," internally groaning I admit, "I guess I can be."

  Looking over at me Malcolm grins quickly then smiles when I glare at him. “Good answer,” he smiles wider. “I like that.”

  "Pfft, you would. Men are such idiots," I whine. "Do you ever get jealous?"

  "Yup. I have and I will again. And with you I could be jealous of everything if I let myself be."

  "Why?"

  "Because I'm in love with you, Saige," he says so simply the air in the truck thickens as my heart starts pounding. He doesn't look at me but he does smile at the road like he knows he shocked me.

  Shaking my head, I try to focus on my original question. "So women... Have you ever been married?"

  "No. Marriage is for life, Saige. To me, anyway."

  "Okay, but you must have been close or had a longtime girlfriend or something. I mean you are pretty old," I tease as he laughs.

  "What do you want here? Numbers? Their names? I'll tell you anything, but I don't want to suffer because of it. I've been in this position before Saige, and once answered some women hate the answers and can't move past them."

  "Ugh, that many?" I ask cringing.

  "How about relationships instead of numbers?" He looks over as I huff. I really want to know how many women he's slept with, but I also think he's right- I'll hate knowing how many. "Saige?" He squeezes my hand again.

  "I've only ever slept with Tyler," I suddenly admit feeling really uncomfortable. "So I don't have any experience other than what he taught me and I'm probably not as good as you in bed." God, I feel so embarrassed I HAVE TO stop speaking. But I think I'm going to have nothing to offer Malcolm when -if- we ever sleep together.

  "Are you insecure about that?" Blushing deeper I can't even speak. "Oh, Saige, I can't even tell you what I feel for you or what I imagine sex will be like with you. I don't care that you've had only one partner. If anything, the possessive animal in me likes that."

  "Yeah, but what if I'm not good at sex? You'll go somewhere else," I nearly gasp when I realize how pathetic I sound again. Pathetic and hideously insecure. "Sorry. Ah, Tyler screwed with my self-confidence when he cheated I guess."

  "I'm not Tyler, Saige."

  "I know."

  "No, I'm NOT Tyler, Saige. I don't cheat and I will never make you feel insecure or self-conscious when you're with me. That's not what I do with women, and it's not what I'll ever do to you if we're together."

  "Um, can I tell you all my bad things now?"

  "No."

  Speaking over him, I go for it anyway. "My boobs are tiny, like almost nonexistent without a really good bra. And I have an ugly brown birthmark on the top of my right butt cheek. Um, my hip bones stick out kind of harshly if I'm on my back and it’s really gross. And I'm nervous to be with you like that in case I’m not as good as the other women you’ve had," I exh
ale finally. "I've also never felt this pathetic or vulnerable in my life, Malcolm. I'm usually pretty strong and secure. But right now I feel like an insecure ass and it's pissing my off."

  "So stop being an insecure ass with me," he says with a grin as I laugh and swat his arm. "I don't need large breasts, and I look forward to finding your birthmark," he winks at me.

  "I kind of want to have sex when we get back to your house to get it over with," I flinch at my own statement when he turns his head to glare at me.

  "Yeah... that's never going to happen, Saige. I'm not banging you to get it over with, and I'm not having sex with you because you're all up in your head. Never mind the fact that you were hurt 2 months ago so you don't even know how you feel about sexual touching, let alone sex itself. But I sure as hell am not having our first time being about 'getting it over with'," he quotes a little angrily. "Wrong guy, Saige."

  "Sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that. I'm just strung out I guess over-thinking and insecure."

  Looking over at me he reminds me, "We just kissed last night, Saige. Last. Night. So relax about anything else, okay? We will or we won't, and we'll know when we're ready. I can have sex anytime, Saige," he says which makes that jealous bitch in me sit up straighter. "But that isn't what I want since I met you. You are all I want since I met you."

  Uncontrollably, I smile at him because of his words, squeeze his hand because of his sweetness, and turn my face to the window as we enter Montgomery Park because I feel happy inside.

  Opening the front door and shutting off the alarm, Malcolm asks if I'm hungry, which I am a little. "Come on," he tugs me to the kitchen. "Meal, or snack?"

  "Snack."

  "Sandwich, crackers or chips, or something?"

  "Peanut butter sandwich?" I decide as he moves for the cupboard of peanut butter and opens the fridge for bread.

  "Sit," he smiles but I don't want to. Walking toward him, he turns against the counter and closes the knife drawer as I advance. "What's up?" He grins when I press against his chest tip-toeing for a kiss.