(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "How did you know?" I whisper holding a McNugget in my hand.

  "I know you, Saige. And I'm right here for you," Malcolm says so sadly, my tears fall harder.

  "I need to shower… and can I sleep in your bed tonight?" I ask pitifully.

  "Of course you can. Just crawl in when we get home if you want." Weeping as the shakes start again Malcolm rubs my hand still trying to comfort me. "Just relax, Saige. I'm going to fix this, I promise."

  Turning to him as he tosses away his uneaten food I admit absolutely everything left in my head. "This just doesn't make any sense to me, Malcolm. Tyler never hurt me even once when we were together. He never hurt me with sex, or forced me, or anything like that. He never hurt me until the end. And I just don't understand what happened, or what’s happening anymore."

  *****

  Entering Malcolm's home he once again asks what he can do to help me. With a desperation that's both sweet and sad, he begs me to let him help me until I finally give in and ask if I can have a bath when sleep doesn’t immediately appeal to me.

  Taking my hand, Malcolm leads me upstairs to the main bath and places me once again on the counter like he did the night before. Just like last night he easily lifts me, but unlike last night there's no teasing or laughter for us. Tonight there is only an intense determination on his face to make me well.

  Watching him prepare the tub with bubbles, Malcolm finally turns to me slowly and raises his hands to lift me back down. Keeping constant eye contact, I actually allow Malcolm to undress me like a child.

  Being undressed is when I recognize I'm truly fucked up. I'm childlike and kind of frozen in my head, but I can't get out of my head enough to protest, or really to even care right now how fucked up I am.

  Eventually stepping in the tub, I curl my legs up and inhale the soothing scent in my head and the sudden warmth in my skin.

  "Would you like your hair washed?" Malcolm breathes sitting beside me against the tub.

  "Yes, please..."

  Waiting, I see in my peripheral Malcolm move to the end of the soaker tub before he reaches right in and pulls me closer to the end. Using the hand-held, Malcolm begins wetting my hair which soothes everything dark inside me.

  He’s so gentle, and his hands are so careful as he massages my scalp, I find my tears pouring again. Not with sadness or confusion though, but from this simple act of kindness between us.

  I've never had my hair washed by anyone, and it's such a lovely feeling of being cared for, such a beautiful moment for me, I take and hold Malcolm's hand against my lips as I cry.

  "Thank you..." I sob when he leans closer to rest his own head against the back of mine. Speaking not a word Malcolm leans against me for a lifetime as I cry over my past.

  When I'm nearly asleep sitting up, I finally stand with his help before I'm wrapped in a thick towel. Walking away, Malcolm returns quickly with my favorite sweats and t-shirt to help me dress.

  Watching me, he extends his hand and begs, "What do you need?" Asking in his desperate voice I wish I could tell him one thing I need, or just one thing he could do so he felt better about my sadness, but I have nothing.

  I can't think anymore and I can barely function at this point. Between the hour long crying jag I had in the bath and the shakes that have given me stomach cramps I’m so messed in the head I'm almost convinced I must've done something to provoke my sweet Tyler to hurt me somehow. I'm struggling to understand what I did, and I'm nervous suddenly I'll make Malcolm mad at me too one day.

  In the bath beside Malcolm I realized quite quickly Tyler isn't who I thought he was at all, and then I cried harder because I trusted Tyler with my life.

  "How does a man who says he loves you beat the hell out of you, nearly crush your spine with his knee and your skull with his fists? How does a man rape someone he loves?"

  Staring at Malcolm his eyes sadden when he seems to be holding in something dark between us. Bracing myself I wait until he finally speaks slowly so I understand. "A man doesn't, Saige. An animal does."

  Nodding, I walk down the hall for his bed and collapse on the side. Pulling my legs in tight my swollen eyes are itchy and my head is pounding.

  "Can I hold you, Saige? Can I keep you warm?"

  "Yes, please." Feeling the tears begin again I wish I had narcotics or a tranquilizer or just something to make me sleep without thinking. I wish there was some way to erase Tyler from my memory and the last 4+ years from my life. I wish so many things, but all I can do is cry my shock and sadness in Malcolm's bed.

  "Baby..." Malcolm moans and I wish I could help him. I wish I had some way of not letting this affect him. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but there's nothing left of me.

  I don't have the strength left to suck this up or to ever move past it. Crying harder I realize this is a reality I can't see myself ever surviving.

  "I'm sorry," I gag between sobs.

  Feeling Malcolm hold me tighter, my exhaustion eventually takes me from Malcolm's arms, and his room, and his love.

  CHAPTER 34

  Waking alone, I open my eyes to Malcolm watching me again from the fireplace chair. Watching him watching me I don't know what to say. I have no words, and I can't feel anything at all.

  "Good morning," he says softly leaning forward a little.

  "Good morning," I mumble.

  "What would you like to do today? Are you still going to your Mom's?"

  "No. She cancelled yesterday before everything happened." Feeling like weeks have passed I can't believe it was only yesterday that Malcolm lifted me onto the breakfast bar after our amazing night together.

  Looking at Malcolm's concerned eyes unsure of what to say, I feel nothing, and I have nothing to give him. I'm empty and hollow.

  "I need to call Selena so she knows what's happening."

  Uncrossing his leg he responds softly, "I did already. Last night when you were sleeping."

  "You got out of bed?"

  Nodding, Malcolm doesn't speak for seconds but finally sighs, "You were crying for Tyler all night, but you didn't sound like you were hurting, Saige. You sounded more like you missed him and wanted him back or something. I had to wake you a few times and you were always confused when you'd look at me." Never looking away from me, Malcolm seems almost hurt which really isn't fair.

  "I'm confused in general, Malcolm. This is pretty hard for me to understand. Plus I was sleeping." When he nods I continue. "Um, this isn't about my feelings for you though, okay? I'm just messed up thinking about what Tyler did because it doesn't make sense to me."

  "I know you keep saying that, but I have a hard time-"

  "Malcolm, this isn’t about you. So I can't really talk about what Tyler did or said to me because that was my life before you- he was my life before you." Stopping myself from speaking any more that might hurt him, I can't really explain myself, and I don't know what else to say.

  Nodding again, Malcolm exhales slowly before speaking. "I know he was your life, Saige. But I'm worried you're going to forget the life you've been building without him."

  "I haven't forgotten. I just need some time."

  "Away from me?" Malcolm asks sadly.

  "I don't know," I whisper with tears again. "This isn't about you, so I'm not pulling away from you or anything. But I'd be lying if I said Tyler wasn't kind of my focus right now. I need to understand this before it eats me alive. He loved me, Malcolm."

  "I love you, Saige," he leans forward again, looking at me desperately until I nod.

  Smiling slightly I whisper, "I know you do." And I do know, I just can't feel for Malcolm right now when my heart hurts so badly thinking of Tyler. "I just need a little time to process this."

  Sitting on the side of his bed suddenly, Malcolm takes my hand and kisses my forehead. Waiting, we stare at each other forever before he finally speaks. "I understand you need time, but I'm nervous you're saying goodbye to me because of your feelings for him."

  "I'm not saying good
bye to you."

  "But you might if you can't handle this. I just finally got you in my arms, and I'm nervous that fucking asshole is going to tear us apart."

  Choking up a little, I beg him. "Please, Malcolm? I just need-"

  "Time. I know," he exhales heavily the tension around us. "Just please don't distrust me because you trusted him." Looking pointedly at me Malcolm says everything, "Because I've earned your trust, Saige."

  "I know you have," I finally cry.

  Flipping to my side, I hold Malcolm's hand against my chest and cry for Tyler, and Malcolm, and for my past, and for that horrible night. Crying, I try to reason what's happening and I try to forget what's happened. I try but my brain is too filled with confusion and misery to understand anything.

  "I've invited Selena over tonight for you. She said she's bringing Griffin, and I'll give you some privacy so you can just do your thing with them, okay?"

  "Thank you," I choke between tears. "I'm so sorry for all this Malcolm. I really wish I could let it go, but it's too big right now."

  "I know it is. Just do what you have to and know I'll be here to help you in any way I can if you'll let me. I'm here if you need me for anything, okay?"

  Looking up at Malcolm sounding almost pained, I feel bad for him though still worse for myself. I can't stop feeling as horrible as I feel but I feel horrible making Malcolm feel like shit with me.

  "Thank you for everything. I, um..." God, of all the times to drop the love bomb this doesn't feel like it- especially when I'm fucked out of my head right now thinking about Tyler and our past and everything I thought was true of him. "Thank you," I whisper instead before he kisses my forehead and leaves his room.

  "I'm going to make you something to eat."

  "No. I'm okay."

  "Saige. I'm going to make you something to eat," he huffs. "I'm not going to watch you struggle and starve because you don't know what the hell to do with all this shit in your head. So I'm making you something to eat."

  "Okay."

  *****

  "Saige? Can you wake up for me?" Malcolm asks softly. Feeling his arms around me, I'm warm and not sad for one moment. But then it fades quickly and the upset slams back into my heart with my memories of Tyler. "Saige? I have to talk to you and you've been sleeping all day. Can you please get up? Selena's going to be here in half an hour."

  Pulling his arm tighter around me I try to hold off the tears again. "I'm awake. What time is it?"

  "4:30."

  "Oh..." I have nothing. I'm empty still and so tired I can't move. "Can I sleep for just a little more? I'm really tired, Malcolm."

  Shaking me a little, Malcolm moans, "Please? I really need you to get up now. I'd like you to eat something before Selena arrives."

  "I'm really not hungry," I beg him just as the tears start again.

  Holy shit, I feel like I'm actually losing my mind. This has got to be depression, because I'm empty but sad, and heartbroken but numb at the same time. And I still don't know what to do.

  "Saige? Let me bring you something to eat, okay?" Malcolm asks not even waiting for a reply. Walking from his room, he leaves quickly but stops at the top of the stairs to look at me through the doorway.

  Making eye contact, I'm frozen and unable to look away. And from his desperate looking expression, I think Malcolm feels the same way I do.

  Pausing, he smiles just a little and steps down the stairs releasing me from his upset before I fall back asleep.

  *****

  When Selena arrives alone I'm sad but relieved. I miss Griffin but I didn't know how I was going to pretend to be happy Auntie Saige when I feel like heartbroken, dying Saige.

  Crawling in Malcolm's bed beside me, Selena doesn't even pretend I'm okay. "I always wanted in Malcolm's bed- not like this, but..." she shrugs with a grin making me suddenly laugh.

  Scooping me right up in her arms she stays silent as another round of what the fucks hit me hard. When my shaking takes over and the tears pour from my face, Selena does nothing but hold me tight.

  "I can't believe it," I moan when I finally find my voice again.

  "Neither can I," she whispers.

  Pulling away slightly, I flip to my side and really look at her. "No, Selena, I mean I really can't believe it. Tyler wasn't abusive to me ever."

  "I know, but maybe he snapped or something when you left him. You did say he kept trying to still be your friend. Maybe he didn't think you would actually cut him off completely and that made him angry." Slouching down the bed, Selena leans on her side to look at me.

  Shaking my head, I try to explain us. "Tyler was always careful with me during sex. He may have got a little wild, or like really into the sex sometimes, but he always took my small size into consideration. Like, he never put all his weight on me, or, oh, once he bruised my hip slightly and he totally freaked out. He didn't realize he was holding me so tightly, and even though I thought it was nothing, Tyler didn't. He was really upset about just one little sex bruise on my hip. So how could he possibly do what was done to me that night?"

  Shaking her head again, she continues trying to reason me out of my confusion. "This was different though. You left him and wouldn't speak to him. And remember you sent him that fuck off text? Maybe he was really mad at you? Anything could have made him snap."

  "I don't think so. Even angry, he never hurt me ever. And he's the one who cheated, so that doesn't make any sense. You don't cheat on your girlfriend, then get mad at her for leaving, right?"

  "I don't know," she huffs, but I think she's coming around a little. "You were so sure it was him yesterday. Mike told me how badly you reacted in the restaurant, and Malcolm told me you were just destroyed, so maybe-"

  "I was destroyed because it doesn't make any sense."

  Watching me, I can see Selena thinking. I actually know when her eyes dart to that right and back to my face she's thinking of something to say.

  "I don't know what to say here, kiddo. You were the one who accused Tyler at D'Vecseys."

  "I know I was," I agree confused myself.

  "So maybe you are sure, but like psychologically you're trying to make him not the one who hurt you because it hurts too much to accept."

  Stilling, I actually hear Selena. I know what she's saying, and I even believe it's possible. But I just don't think so.

  "Why didn't he say you were wrong when Malcolm was holding him? Why didn't he defend himself when Mike was holding you back?"

  "I don't know," I huff. I've thought of that a million times since last night myself. "He just kept staring at me for some reason I couldn't understand at the time."

  "Maybe because he didn't think you'd figure it out after all this time?" She asks calmly, which I've also thought about.

  "I don't know."

  "Well, until you do know, let the police check into his alibi and let him freak out for a while. If you're wrong, no harm no foul. But if you're right Tyler can burn in hell," she says so angrily, I actually smile. "What?"

  "I just love you," I whisper not choking up for once.

  Huffing her own smile, Selena leans closer and wraps her arm over my hip again. "You better, cuz you're pretty high maintenance, Saige," she smirks teasing me.

  "I know," I grin. "Is Malcolm still home?"

  "No, he left when I came up. What do you want to do tonight? Drink?" She asks with eyebrows raised and a huge smile.

  "Not yet. I need to shower, but help yourself. I'll meet you downstairs in like 15 minutes. Thank you for helping me with this."

  "Of course," she adds standing. "Let’s get really drunk, okay?" She shimmies backward out of Malcolm's bedroom to my humor.

  *****

  Hopping in the shower, I can't stop obsessing about Tyler. Obviously. But its more- there's something more. After speaking with Selena I know there’s more because Tyler isn’t a rapist, nor is he abusive. He may be an asshole for what he did to me with his whore, but even when I slapped him that last day together he never raised a hand t
o me.

  Shit!

  Before I even know what I'm doing, the shower is running and I'm dialing Tyler standing as far from the water and door as possible. Nearly throwing up, my stomach is so tightly knotted as his cell rings I barely hold in my nausea.

  "Hello?" Oh god... unable to speak, I’m almost hyperventilating. "Hello?" Tyler asks again in the weariest voice I've ever heard. "Fuck y-"

  "Tyler," I manage to choke before he hangs up.

  "Saige?! Oh, fuck, Lovey. Is that you?" He begs crying.

  "Yes..." Suddenly gagging, I hold the phone tightly against my chest as I breathe deeply through my nausea.

  "-did this. What's happening?" I hear lifting the phone back to my ear. "Talk to me, Lovey. Please tell me what's going on?"

  Shaking my head to clear my confusion, I beg, "What do you mean?"

  "Why are you doing this to me?"

  "Me? I'm not doing anything to you, Tyler."

  "Yes, you are. Why did you tell the police I attacked you?" he pleads. Listening, I can hear his dark voice, and I hate how upset he sounds. "Why are you doing this to me? I'm so sorry I cheated on you, but-"

  "Did you hurt me that night?" I ask over his rambling.

  "God, no. Come on, Saige. You know me."

  "I thought I knew you."

  "You do know me, and I've never hurt you before. Never once did I touch you angrily or sexually, or anything like that. You know I didn't."

  Nodding my head, I know he didn't. I always knew he wasn't like that. If anything Tyler was almost gentle because of how small I am even though he didn't have to be. I do remember that about him.

  "Saige? Please listen to me. I didn't hurt you that night. I didn't. I was with-"

  "Don't." Flinching, I try to stop him before he says he was with her.

  "I was with Kaitlyn that night," Tyler keeps explaining past my interruption. "I was, Saige."

  "So Kaitlyn is your alibi?"

  "Yes."

  "But I don't trust either of you."