(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "What happened?" I finally have enough sense to ask as we're driven quickly to the hospital.

  "Someone knocked on the door and we thought it was you because you just sent Malcolm a text saying you were coming back. Ah, but when he ran for the door and threw it open a man stood there, handed Malcolm a photo album of yours and then just shot Malcolm," Selena moans quickly before shaking her head. Not looking over, I feel my hands shake in my lap and my breath huff against the cool glass.

  "Um, Malcolm pushed me into the den and started fighting the guy as I got away. And he kept yelling for me to get away safely. He just yelled for me to be safe and to make sure you were safe," she finally bursts into tears. "He wanted me safe, and he fought so hard, but I kept hearing the gunshots going off when I ran through his house looking for somewhere to hide so I could call the police."

  Finally thinking beyond my own agony, I look at Selena covered in Malcolm’s blood, grey and shaken and I realize I never once thought of her. I didn’t think to ask if she was okay, or if she was as fucked in the head as I am right now. I saw her, but I couldn’t feel beyond my own nightmare to ask my friend if she’s okay after going through what she has.

  “Are you okay?” I whisper to her nearly silent no.

  After a moment of silence, Selena attempts to take my hand but I pull away. There's a sick part of me that honestly believes she's next to die so I don't want to love her anymore.

  "Where's Griffin?"

  "With Dave."

  "You need to have the police check on them to make sure Griffin is okay, because I love him, too."

  "Griffin is going to be fine, this-"

  Turning my head to her finally, I scream uncontrollably. "He's NOT going to be fine. You're going to be dead soon and so is Griffin!"

  Feeling the car stopped suddenly, the 2 officers turn right around to face us through the cage.

  "Call somebody to check on Griffin! Please? Call it in. Selena, tell them Dave's address! Please?!" I scream psychotically.

  "Saige! Griffin isn't going to die! What the fuck?" She yells grabbing me up in her arms again.

  "Yes, he is," I moan broken. Thinking of his sweet little face, and his morning bedhead, and all his stupid shows, I know he's going to die. "I love him so he's going to die. I know it," I sob uncontrollably against Selena's chest. "You're both going to die because I love you," I scream and cry feeling the car start moving again.

  "I'm not going to die, Saige. I promise," Selena cries against my head.

  "Just like Malcolm promised?" I moan the final words until we silence because we both know I'm right.

  Lead by police escorts into the hospital, I'm ushered into an adjoining room beside the ER as Selena starts talking to 3 officers. Not even listening, I sit slowly in a chair wondering why I'm even here. I can't see Malcolm die from here and I can't say goodbye to him from this room.

  I'm trapped in a room alone waiting for the inevitable.

  "Saige?" Detective Mathers squats down in front of me. "How are you?" He asks so sadly, I burst into tears and actually reach for him desperately. A total stranger and a man who though always kind to me is nothing to me, I find myself holding him tightly like he'll somehow stop all this shit for me.

  "Please fix this? Please?" I beg as he pats my back awkwardly.

  Pulling away from me Mathers huffs, "I'm working on it, Saige."

  Nodding, I feel totally defeated. "Did Selena see who did it? Does she know who it was? I forgot to ask her that at Malcolm's because there was so much blood and his hand was cold," I cry harder when he takes my hands in his. "Does she know who killed Malcolm?" I whisper a last breath before my lungs close completely.

  "She didn't recognize him before Malcolm pushed her out of the way," he admits as I feel my sad frustration build. "But we're combing the area, and it looks like the perpetrator was bleeding by the time he left based on the blood droplets on Malcolm's driveway."

  "Good. I want him dead," I gasp unsure if it’s illegal or not to say that but vaguely remembering it’s not. Like if my brain still functioned, I'd know that, I think.

  “Kyle knows who it is. He was going to tell me but then he attacked me in my car. Ah, I hurt him to get away. Did you get the call?”

  “Yes, and Kyle’s already been transported to the hospital. He’s conscious, so the Officers on scene are asking him questions.”

  “I trusted Kyle once,” I huff still confused by Kyle’s part in all this. “I don’t think he attacked me in April. But I don’t understand how he knows who did it but didn’t stop him or tell you, or- Detective Mathers? I’m honestly losing my mind I think,” I end my little rant to his silence.

  "She's his girlfriend," Selena suddenly points breaking up Mathers and my conversation as a bloody nurse rushes for me ripping off her surgical gown.

  "Mr. MacNeil is being prepped for surgery, but we can allow a minute for you?" She asks as I freeze.

  "Saige! Move your ass and go see him," Selena yells at me again as I stand quickly with Mathers' help.

  Following the nurse just feet inside the busy triage I'm astounded by all the blood and instruments and chaos around Malcolm's stillness. The room seems so loud and chaotic, but Malcolm is so still he already seems like a ghost in the room.

  "You need to prepare for the worst."

  "Oh, I already have," I respond quickly. "I know he's going to die," I choke the words as she looks at me sadly. "It's okay, they always die on me," I touch her forearm briefly before walking through crap all over the floor, and bloody clothing and shit everywhere.

  Leaning over Malcolm's huge body, grey and bloodied with patches and wounds all over him I can't understand what's been done to him. His whole upper body looks shattered like glass, bleeding from everywhere in ragged lines still pouring over his sides. I can't even tell if he's alive anymore though all the noisy machines and people waiting suggest he is for now.

  Kissing his bloody forehead just once, ignoring the breathing mask and his closed eyes, I whisper everything left of us.

  "I'm sorry I didn't trust you sooner or love you better. I'm so sorry I loved you, but if you survive this I promise I'll never love you again.” Taking his cold hand, I beg him for everyone else. “Listen to me, Malcolm… everyone loves you because you're so beautiful, and so so special, so they need you to get better now," I gently kiss his head again. "Yer a fine wee lad," I brogue softly in his ear with a little grin for us, "And I'll never love another," I finally sob as a nurse touches my back to move me away. "Good bye sweet, sweet, Mallie," I whisper against his chest before he's wheeled away from me forever.

  In my silence, doctors say things and nurses reassure. People talk and police watch. Everything continues as they take Malcolm away from me for the last time.

  And still I stand as all the noise fades with Malcolm. I stand through my horror and I stand through my agony. Malcolm is gone, in life or in death, and I swear to any god listening if Malcolm survives this I will never love him again.

  *****

  "Saige?" Selena whispers holding my shaking body from behind where I stand frozen in silence. Crying snotty, soundless tears, I let her know I did what I should've always done. "I let him know I loved him… and I said goodbye to him."

  Squeezing me tighter, Selena cries louder than me. She cries and shakes until I hold her hands against my chest to comfort her. I hold her holding me until there's nothing left of Malcolm's life in the cold bloody room we died in.

  I know he’s gone because he’s faded away from me totally. And it was so quick- from love to death in a heartbeat it seems.

  Feeling his life faded from mine, it’s time for me to leave.

  "I need to leave now, because he’s gone," I whisper when Selena’s crying calms.

  "I'm going to the police station to make a statement, and you're having a police escort until they find whoever did this, Saige. You're going to be set up in a hotel temporarily until they find him."

  "And you?"

  "I'm goi
ng to Dave's parent's house in Lancaster for a few days."

  Nodding against her chin, I'm relieved. "That's good, Selena. You need to be safe and you need to keep Griffin safe."

  "We'll be safe."

  "Okay. Um, what do I do now?" I pull away from her arms finally. Looking at Mathers and another officer by the door, I don't know what to do anymore.

  "Come with us, Saige. Selena’s going to the Precinct and we'll take you to a hotel," Mathers offers gently as I nod silently.

  *****

  Following Mathers out a short hallway with Selena and the other Officers, we push through a set of doors to another nightmare.

  Leaning against the wall Tatum jumps forward and Moira cries loudly beside her husband looking at Selena covered in blood.

  Actually as I turn quickly to Selena I wonder absurdly if she tried to keep Malcolm alive until the paramedics arrived. I'm sure she did and that explains why she's covered in his blood, but I didn't think to ask, and I didn't understand why she was so bloody until now.

  "Saige?" Moira cries walking toward me until I raise my hand for her to stop.

  Looking at her then over to Tatum, my heart is absolutely broken. "He's going to die, and I'm so, so sorry. I begged him to stay alive for you though, then I said goodbye for you all. I told him he was special and I kissed him goodbye..." I whisper holding my aching heart with my hand.

  "Saige, what happened?" Tatum asks walking towards me leaning down low. "Are you okay?"

  "No..." Looking up at Tatum the pain of their loss hits me so hard I actually stagger forward under the weight of it. They all love Malcolm so much this is going to destroy their entire family.

  "Are your parents coming?"

  "Alec's on his way. And Dan’s picking up my parents."

  Nodding, I have only one thing left to say as the pain overwhelms me. "I'm so sorry, Tatum. For you and for the rest of your family. I wish I had never met Malcolm so none of this would've happened to him. I wish-"

  "Aw, Saige," Tatum tugs me right into his arms lifting me from the floor for the world's biggest hug. "Malcolm doesn't wish that, and even if he dies," Tatum chokes in a broken voice as he places me back on the floor, "He wouldn't regret one single day with you- even if this is his last. You're his fiery wee leprechaun, and he loved you-"

  "To the death," I finish for Tatum as Moira sobs an uncontrollable sound that shatters my heart. "I have to go. Please extend my apologies to your parents and to the rest of your family. I'm so sorry," I cry turning before Tatum can hug me again.

  Begging Mathers with my eyes he nods subtly as we start moving quickly down the hall through another waiting room filled with people. Ignoring all the stares at Selena, I follow closely behind Mathers to my freedom from Malcolm's death.

  *****

  After making the report about everything Kyle said and did to me I was left alone until tomorrow.

  Walking toward the shower in my hotel room, I'm so cold my bones are chilled. I couldn't eat the food brought to my room, and I didn't want to talk to anyone before I was unceremoniously locked in.

  I only want to shower quickly and sleep forever.

  Honestly, I just want this nightmare to end the minute Malcolm's does.

  Wrapping myself in the thick heavy bathrobe I sit on the tub ledge and sigh a weary heartache so powerful I can no longer move. I'm stuck in my agony and drowning in my sadness waiting to hear of his death.

  Finding the strength to get to the bed, I shut off my phone and wrap myself in every blanket I can find. I know I'll never be warm again, but I need to at least try. I have to try until I’m officially told there's no longer a reason to try.

  Unable to cry any more of my misery, I imagine Malcolm holding me tightly in his arms for the very last time. I imagine his warmth and weep wishing I had told him everything he was, and everything he’ll always be to me before it was too late.

  I now know and truly understand, the biggest regret I will always have, the deepest sorrow, and the only thing I’ll never forgive of myself in this life- I wish I had loved him sooner so he had all my love at his end, like I had his love all along.

  CHAPTER 38

  Waking again, I don't want to try anymore. My moments of sleep are filled with blood and agony, and my body is suffering from them. I keep gasping away, or suffering the falling sensation as I lurch awake on a gasped cry. No matter how many times I try though, I can't forget Malcolm's hand hanging awkwardly off his deathbed in his driveway.

  I felt his cold, and I knew his death first hand. I felt the end, and I felt the very absence of him squeezing me back since the moment of our first non-date date.

  He always squeezes my hand or my leg. Always. It's Malcolm's thing, and something I'm going to miss for the rest of my life.

  It's something I always knew with Malcolm but didn't appreciate when I had it. It was Malcolm- squeezing me to let me know he was always there for me.

  It's such a funny little thing. It wasn't cheesy roses, or constant confessions of love. But it was love. Honestly and innocently.

  Malcolm was love for me, and I didn't know enough to appreciate his little squeezes when I had them. It's only now in their absence that I see Malcolm so clearly.

  And he really was love.

  Malcolm was huge to my small, and strong to my weak. He was dark to my light, and relaxed to my intense. He was my Malcolm to his Saige.

  Rolling over again, I reach for water and wipe my eyes again.

  I’m not going to survive this, I know. Like knowledge you can't understand the source of, I do know this to be absolutely true. Both Malcolm and I are going to die soon, one physically and one emotionally, but twin deaths nonetheless.

  There is nothing left. And no one to love. And I don't want to live anyway.

  Flipping back over, scrubbing my eyes and face, I can't feel this anymore. I can't do it, and I won't.

  My mother is fine with her Scottish Rite friends, and Selena and Dave are slowly working their way back to each other with sweet Griffin in between them. Even Mike is still young enough to find love once he settles down a little.

  Holy fuck... If I thought Tyler's betrayal was painful- THIS is an agony I can't even explain.

  This pain lashes at me and steals my breath. It rips apart my skin and claws away my mind. It imprisons me in its constant intensity.

  This is unequivocal, and unequalled, and unimaginable pain.

  This is death taking me slowly.

  Reaching for my phone, I shouldn't do this but I can't stop myself. I need his words, and I need his humor.

  Even angry and scared our last night alive I know Malcolm somehow gave me his humor to bring me home to him. I know he did, because he always has.

  Scrolling to my 2nd last text, I read his replies one after another before my heart actually stops beating in my chest.

  'I have to meet someone, but I'm safe. I can't talk now, but I'll tell you everything soon. I'm sorry if I've worried you but I have to do this.'

  ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?’

  ‘WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!’ Reading Malcolm’s frantic reply, it still makes me smile slightly. He was never that insane with me unless he saw me hurt or believed I could be.

  ‘I'll text you both soon. I'm shutting off my phone now. But I'm safe, I promise.’ After I shut down my phone, Malcolm send one more text I didn’t know about but now read in agony.

  ‘Please, Saige. Tell me where you are so I can come get you?! I’m dying here. I’m not mad, I just want you safe. PLEASE come home now. PLEASE come home to me, and we’ll do whatever you have to do together so I know you’re safe. I won’t argue with you and I’ll stay quiet if you want but PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!’

  After that last text when I was dealing with Tyler in my car, Malcolm sent many more texts to me.

  ‘Saige. Please baby. Selena and I are scared to death. Where are you? Please tell me and I’ll come get you.’

  ‘Saige… When you get home I’m going to spank the shit
out of you. We never really discussed bedroom kinky before, but I think now is as good a time as ever. I hope you like it, because when you walk through my door, ass meets hand. Oh, and Selena says she’s going to spank the shit out of you, too, which is kinda hot. :p Come home, Saige. Please?’

  Picturing Malcolm threatening me with a spanking is too funny. I think even if I was into that, he couldn’t do it. Malcolm’s belief in a man never, ever raising a hand to a woman is too strong I think to participate in spanking kinks. Almost laughing, I can’t even test the theory now even if I wanted to.

  ‘Saige, I’m still waiting for you. Please come home to me. I’m so scared you’re hurt and need me. I love you.’

  Reading his last reply while he waited for me, I feel the fear and pain Malcolm must’ve felt. I understand how selfish I was, and I know I hurt him. Though unintentionally, I can actually read the pain in his words until I texted him again.

  'I love you, Malcolm. I'm so sorry if I worried you, but I needed to be sure, and now I'm sure. I want you to know I trust you totally, and I'll be home soon. xo'

  When I shut down my phone again frantically driving to Malcolm, I had no idea he was still texting me. I didn’t know there were so many, and I didn’t know how beautiful they were.

  ‘You love me? Well, that’s awesome to read. Just an FYI though, confessions of love in person are wayyyy better. Like now. Please come home. I miss you, and I need to know you’re safe.’