(Mis)Trust

by Sarah Ann Walker

  He always knew what I didn't know until it was too late for us. But now I know he was right along.

  There really was something special between us, and that will be my biggest regret until the day I finally die.

  Ours was the forever kind of love I finally trusted with my sweet, sweet, Mallie, but didn't enjoy before it was too late for us.

  Sobbing my pain, I'll sing softly for the rest of my life

  "I belong to you. You belong to me. You're my sweet-heart."

  CHAPTER 40

  This is life,

  And it’s brutal.

  This is love,

  And it’s horrible.

  This is purgatory,

  And it’s hateful.

  This is death,

  And it’s painful.

  Nothing stops, but nothing moves.

  There is no peace or even rest.

  There is nothing but a never-ending cycle of decay.

  And I am decaying.

  Before my own eyes I see my life ending.

  And it hurts so much.

  I don’t even speak of the pain anymore.

  I am silenced by the slow moving death that still taunts me.

  I am bludgeoned by the agony of the death that haunts me.

  I am beyond fractured and shattered.

  I am decay.

  *****

  "SAIGE! Ye canna keep doin' this," I flinch when my mum yells at me from my bedroom doorway. "Yer fella's awake, love. Selena just called and said he's awake."

  Gasping, I cry, "What?" as I fall from my bed. "When? WHAT?!"

  "Yester'day apparent'ly. And he's already speakin' and- why ye lookin' like tha?" My mum stops speaking and walks to my bed to help me back up. Sitting beside me, she whispers, "Why ye cryin, wee Saige?"

  Oh god... I'm dying again. When he's almost dead I'm dying, and when he's alive I'm almost dead.

  And I would do anything for all this pain to stop.

  "Saige, it's time to go back ta see this fella. Ye have ta. It's time, love."

  Trying not to scream from the promises made, I can't do it. I can't go back on my word and hurt him again. Not being with him is my penance to pay and my agony to live with knowing he's alive without me.

  Shaking my head, I refuse. "I can't go back, mum. I promised god if he helped Malcolm live, I would give him up. So I can't. But-"

  "That's what ye bin hold'in onto? That's why ye no bin eatin or sleepin? That's why ye dunna talk to anyone any’more?"

  "Yes, I-"

  "I'm gonna give ye a wee bit of advice, Saige. Are ye list'nin?" She asks holding our green eyes locked as she waits.

  No part of me wants this, and everything that's left of me wants to run screaming from another piece of my mum's advice. Everything in me wants to run like hell, but sadly, I can barely stand I'm so weak from this month-long nightmare through hell.

  "Saige?" She asks again actually squeezing my hand tightly until I exhale a hard breath and nod for her. "Yer a book smart genius- giv'in. But yer one of the stuuupid'est stubborn arses I've ever met in me life. Yer Agnostic, for Christ's sake- so who the bloody hell was ye praying to? And even if there was some god list'nin to yer prayers, do you really think he would hold ye to yer word when ye was desper'ate to see yer fella live? Every'one makes those promises and begs like tha when they feel desper'ate. Any god list'nin knows that and takes these promises with a grain of salt."

  "I- what?" Shaking my head again, I'm WHAT?! "I think I thought you kinda had to keep to your word about life and death things when you prayed for them. I mean, don't you?"

  "Not if ye dunna believe in god, Saige- which ye don't. Ye do finally believe in lovin' yer fella though, right?"

  "I do- I mean I did, but..." Can this actually happen? Can I actually go see Malcolm? "Holy shit. What do I do?" I beg as my chest starts beating erratically I'm so confused.

  "Ye get yer arse up, and get a bloody shower. Then we get in my car and drive to see this man who loves ye. And that's all."

  "But what if-"

  "Shut up, Saige. Yer friends are dying to see you, and from wha I understand of this man, he's dying to see ye too. I'm gonna call Mary ta tell her where I'll be headin’ and you get yer shite together. Times a wastin'," my mum smiles, pats my hand, and walks to the door like I have no choice. Which I actually don't.

  There was NEVER any choice with Malcolm- it just was.

  I love him so much I can't breathe from his absence in my life. There is nothing without him in my life.

  Oh my god… I'm going to see Malcolm. Standing up slowly as I sway a little, I find myself smiling for the first time in a month.

  *****

  Driving, my mum is still horrendous. She's also a scary as shit lead foot, which under the circumstances I'll take. Though honestly, I'm starting to question whether she and I will actually live to see Malcolm alive.

  Pulling up to the hospital, my mum drops me at the doors and leaves to park. Offering to go with me, I shake my head as the excitement and nerves settle in deep. I'm so excited to see him, but I'm scared shitless to see him, too.

  There are so many reasons he might resent me for what happened, and for what almost happened to him. Yet I'm going in anyway.

  I have to.

  There is no life without him, and until I hear he doesn't want me in his life I have to go to him.

  Asking at reception for his room, I'm told 5th floor, room 516, and visiting hours are ending in 2 hours in the ICU ward. I'm told something else as well but I ran for the elevators too quickly to hear.

  I can't wait, and I don't want to wait anymore.

  I love Malcolm MacNeil, and I need to at least tell him that.

  Slapping the door release to the ICU, I practically yell Malcolm's name and room number to a nurse at the receiving desk. When she takes too long I look over her shoulder to the room numbers and start run-walking to Malcolm. Rounding the corner I see Dan and Karen, and with a quick moment of relief I smile at Dan, then flinch away from the deadly look Karen throws at me.

  Stopping me in my tracks, I'm winded and so goddamn afraid suddenly that before I throw up or pass out I manage to gasp, "Is he still alive?"

  When Dan kindly says yes to me I moan my relief hunching over my own knees to breathe.

  "Why the fuck are you here?" Karen seethes at me, and once again, though I expected people to blame me for what happened to Malcolm, I'm still shocked by her anger.

  "I, um, I wanted to see him. I miss him," I choke up a little trying to keep it together. "I'm sorry... does he hate me?" I beg before Dan huffs a no quickly when Karen opens her mouth to speak.

  Watching Karen stiffen beside him, she shakes her head and simply walks away. Without a word, or a backwards glance, Karen walks away without speaking another word to me.

  "Go see him, Saige. It's about time," Dan nods to a door a few down walking away before I can say anything more to him.

  Shaking harder, I hate that Karen hates me, but I need to see Malcolm more. Sucking up my shock and sadness at her reaction to me I walk to the door to Malcolm.

  Holding my breath, I don't know what I'll see, but I don't care. Malcolm will always be Malcolm to me. So pushing open his door, I wait for...

  Oh god.

  Lying on his side, Malcolm is so pale and sick-looking. He’s also way smaller than he was. I know it's been a month since he was hurt, but I can't believe how much weight and muscle he's lost in only a month. His skin looks sallow and his arms look half the size they used to be.

  And he's just so beautiful to me.

  When he suddenly opens his eyes though, I die.

  There's nothing there. There's nothing between us, and no love left.

  I can actually see it all.

  "Why are you here?" Malcolm asks in a voice I don't recognize, but will never forget.

  Holding my stomach, I gasp a breath so painful, I feel like my lungs are in as much agony as my heart is.

  "Oh, Malcolm," I burst into tears.
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br />   "What do you want, Saige?" He asks again in a tone filled with such hatred I’m momentarily speechless. Looking at me, there's no crinkly eyes or cheeky grin. He actually looks like the intimidating bastard I first remember before he spoke to me at D’Vecseys.

  And I'm heartbroken.

  "I'm so sorry," I cry as his dark presence washes over me. "I'm sorry I came. I just thought-"

  "What?"

  "I thought maybe I could see you," I whisper hoping, praying he doesn't hate me.

  "Well, you've seen me. And now you can go," he huffs again, moving himself painfully to his back. Actually throwing his arm over his face, I can't believe this is what's left of us.

  I can't believe this is our end.

  Bursting into tears, I don't even try. I'm exhausted from all this shit, and fed up with life totally.

  Lowering his arm, Malcolm watches me cry but doesn't reach for me or even speak. He's looking at me totally unaffected by my heartbreak and its breaking me further. Staring at each other, Malcolm looks dead in the eyes and completely broken by me.

  Pulling myself together as best as I can for this goodbye, I say everything left between us. "I'm very sorry you were hurt because of me, and I'm so sorry you ever met me. I never meant for you to get hurt that night. I was trying to get back to you so-"

  "I don’t give a fuck about that night!" Malcolm yells then quickly silences when I flinch. Reaching desperately for his own chest the machines all around him are suddenly beeping so loudly they nearly strangle me with sound.

  Breathing deeply as I panic at his pain and upset, he breathes the unimaginable. "I can't believe you left me. I can’t believe you didn't care enough about me and us to stay here with me when I needed you," he cries so sadly I move to him immediately.

  Grabbing his hand, Malcolm rips it out of my own until I collapse on his stomach instead. Grabbing his sides, I hold him to me even as he fights my hold. Growling at me, he tries to tear my arms off his stomach while I cry my eyes out all over him holding as tightly as my weak arms will allow.

  "I didn't," I moan. "I promised. I begged and prayed, Malcolm."

  "Saige, get the fuck away from me," Malcolm growls again so darkly I hold him even tighter.

  "I said goodbye to you, and I kissed you, and I begged you to live. I told you I loved you and I begged the doctors and nurses, and I said goodbye to you."

  "Fuck off, Saige."

  "Malcolm, I was so desperate for you to live I did everything I could. I prayed for you. I begged whoever or whatever god there is to let you live. I begged and prayed and I promised-"

  "I don't fucking care. Let go of me!" Malcolm yells angry enough that the machines start beeping loudly again.

  Crying over his anger, I plead so he understands. "I prayed for you to live. And I promised if you lived I would let you go. I promised, Malcolm. And you were alive but not awake, and I was so scared."

  Shaking his head he growls my name as I continue trying to explain away his sadness. "I promised if you lived I would let you go. That was my punishment and my penance for getting you hurt. So I left, Malcolm. I left so you would live. I needed you to live for all your family and friends. I needed you to live," I sob and cry and hold onto his waist as hard as I can. "I promised to let you go so you would live and then you lived. So I had to leave. It was my promise so you could live."

  "Saige?" Malcolm moans. No longer ripping at my arms, Malcolm is suddenly calmer. "What the hell are you talking about?"

  Risking a quick glance at his eyes, they're so dark and bruised looking I wish I could kiss them. "I didn't want to go. I never wanted to leave you. But I made a promise because I would rather you live without me then die because I loved you. I couldn't have you die like Alec and my father did." Gasping, I finish this for us. "I didn't want to leave you for even a second, but I knew if I loved you you'd die like Alec and my father did. So I made a promise to live without you so you would live."

  "But... that's stupid," Malcolm says so deadpan, I laugh, and cry, and shake, and almost throw up beside us.

  Gagging as my stomach turns again, I'm so exhausted from life I feel like ending it again. Just like I have every minute of every day for a month, I feel the overwhelming urge to end it all I'm so exhausted.

  "I'm really tired, Malcolm," I whisper. "Like so tired of all this shit all the time." Sitting up and nearly away, Malcolm reaches for my arm before I can leave him for good.

  "You gave me up so I would live?" Malcolm asks quietly. Barely hearing his words, I do feel his sadness inside me. Nodding my head, I'm wordless. Staring at my eyes still Malcolm asks the question for the ages. "Why?"

  "Because I love you. And I didn't care how much it hurt me to let you go- I wanted you to live."

  "So why are you here now?"

  "Because my mum told me I don't believe in god, and god wouldn't hold me to that promise anyway. She said that was a promise everyone makes when they're desperate for something good to happen, so whoever or whatever god takes those promises with a grain of salt. Oh, and she said I'm really stupid and stubborn for sticking to it."

  "She's right," he says again sounding so funny under the circumstances and desperation I'm feeling, I laugh another sad, hard laugh-cry straight from my broken heart.

  After a few moments of silence while I get my shit together Malcolm asks, “So you didn’t just leave me when things were bad?”

  “No… I left so things would get better for you. I didn’t leave you- I left for you. I promise.”

  “But you-” Cutting him off, I need to explain so he finally understands.

  "I'm sorry for everything, Malcolm. For everything. I’m so sorry you were shot and have to feel all of this pain because of me.” Inhaling deeply, I plead, “I don't have any other words, even though they don't feel close to enough. I love you, and I never want you to hurt because of me again. I never wanted you to hurt because of me."

  "What happened to you?" Malcolm asks choking up in front of me.

  With his eyes swimming in tears, my heartbreak is complete. "I'm going to go. I can't see you sad because of me anymore. I can't-"

  "Saige? Look at me, baby. What’s wrong?"

  "I'm just tired," I huff trying to pull away from his hand holding my wrist.

  "Tell me..." he moans. "What happened to you?"

  "Nothing. I just haven't really functioned or exhaled or anything in a long time. But I'm so happy you're awake, I don't care about any of that. I wanted you to wake up and now you have, so it's all better now. You're alive and I can let go now."

  "Of?"

  "Us. You. Everything I wanted with you. I can finally let go now. I couldn't when you wouldn't wake up, so I was just waiting. But now-"

  "Now you're leaving me because I'm awake?"

  "I don't want to," I shrug. "But I don't know what to do anymore. I stubbornly held onto my promise so you would live, and now you're alive and hate me- which is okay," I nod so he understands I understand his hatred. "So now I can let go of you."

  "Saige... I don't hate you. I just didn't understand. No one could tell me where you were, or why you left. So I thought you simply ran when things were tough. I was hurt because I didn’t understand why you weren’t here with me," Malcolm says softly squeezing my hand.

  Looking at our hands I feel him squeeze mine, and I know everything Malcolm. He really is alive, and I love him.

  Looking at his eyes, I feel a tear slide down my face as he watches. "What is it?" He whispers making a sob burst from my chest.

  "I told you I loved you in your driveway, and you didn't squeeze my hand back. You were just lying there, and your arm was hanging off the gurney, and I held it and kissed it, and I told you I loved you. I held your hand and I waited, but you didn't squeeze me back." Choking on my words, I tell him everything. "You've always squeezed me, and I've always known you were there for me. But in that one moment, an endless second that lasted an eternity- I told you I loved you and you didn't squeeze me back." Wiping my face o
n my shoulders I let him know what I knew. "You didn't squeeze me back for the first time ever, and I felt your death, and then I felt mine. Ah, I knew I lost you so I died beside you in your driveway."

  "But I didn't die, Saige."

  "I know..." I moan my dark reality. "But I didn't think you would live."

  "But I did live."

  "I know..." I nod taking my first huge breath since the moment I said goodbye to him in the hospital.

  Squeezing my hand tightly, Malcolm smiles and asks, "Would you do something for me?"

  "God, yes. Anything."

  "Could you say, 'I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her’?” Looking at his crinkly eyes, I'm totally confused until he laughs, "Notting Hill. Julia Roberts. Wanna see me bawl like a baby when the girl gets the guy?"

  Crying my eyes out, I look at Malcolm and feel nothing but love for him. Every part of my entire world feels my love, and everything I am wants him back.

  "I need to love you, Malcolm. For the rest of my life, if you'll let me?" I beg him desperately.

  "Okay, that was way better than Julia's line,” Malcolm teases. “Come here. Come up here, Saige," he begs still tugging my hand until I gently climb on his bed. Against his side, I move one thick wire from his chest right over my head, carefully navigate around his IV, and lean into his side as he pulls me against his chest.

  "Are you mad at me for getting you hurt?" I ask finally.

  Squeezing my side to him closer, Malcolm breathes, "Never," as I exhale deeply all my fear. "I'm mad at so many things, but never that. I know what happened to you before, and I understand you left to help me. Mathers explained what that fucking dick said about me being hurt if you didn't go with him?"

  "Yes."

  "So you actually left with him?"

  "Not by choice. He forced me to my car, but I didn't care. I didn't want you to get hurt, and he said you would if I didn't go so I would've gone to save you anyway. But then he just took me," I huff thinking about Kyle and that night again. "I don't really want to talk about that, Malcolm. It's all warped in my head, and heavy, and just awful. But I barely remember anything that happened before I was dying in your driveway, and then-" Shaking my head I don't want to cry anymore, and I don't want to feel anything but this for the rest of my life.