by Wendy Clarke
The small circle of light that Beth had seen when she entered the tunnel was now much larger. They were nearing its end. David switched off the torch.
‘Almost there.’
Beth shivered. It was cold in the tunnel and she couldn’t wait to get back into the sunshine.
As they stepped out of the darkness into the daylight, David gave a low whistle and, as she joined him, Beth saw why. They were standing at the bottom of a chasm, vertical walls of slate rising up on all sides from a deep, green pool of water, jagged rockfalls reflected in its mirrored surface.
Tipping back her head, she could just see the quarry top, with its overhanging trees, where they had been standing earlier. It was hard to believe that they had climbed down so far. Sunlight shimmered on the water and it felt as though they were a million miles from anywhere.
‘It’s beautiful.’
David took a step forward. ‘Haunting is the word I’d use. That water is thirty-two metres deep. It’s where the mineshaft flooded. There are other tunnels that can only be reached from under the water.’
Crouching, he unzipped his bag and pulled out a tripod. Taking each of its carbon legs in turn, he extended them until they were the right length, then placed the tripod onto a flat slate slab at the edge of the water. When he was happy with its position, he fixed his camera onto it.
‘Why is it so low?’ Beth asked.
David sat on his haunches and squinted at the camera. ‘Good reflection shots need to be taken as close to the water as possible.’
Adjusting the lens, he took a series of shots and Beth watched the muscles of his back work beneath his T-shirt, wondering what they would feel like under her hand.
‘Yodel-oh-ee-dee!’
David’s voice sounded strange, enclosed as they were by the echoing rock face, and Beth hugged herself. Looking back towards the tunnel, she realised that, despite the eerie allure of the water, she wanted to be out of the place.
It was as if David sensed how she felt. Maybe it was her face that had given her away. Whatever it was, he straightened, unclipped the camera from its stand and put it back inside his bag.
‘You know, I’ve changed my mind,’ he said. ‘This place gives me the creeps.’
Fourteen
Leona
‘How have you been since I saw you yesterday, Leona?’
Lisa Manning smiles encouragingly. Today, she’s wearing a sheer floral blouse with a navy camisole underneath. Her slim legs are encased in black linen trousers.
‘I’ve been all right, but I’m glad you were able to see me again today.’
‘Just all right?’
I take Beth’s note from my back pocket. ‘I found this, this morning. It’s from my daughter.’ Reaching over, I hand it to Lisa.
She looks at it, then back at me. ‘It’s good, isn’t it?’
‘I don’t like her taking herself off to God knows where.’
Lisa smiles. ‘I think you might be overreacting a little, Leona. Beth says she’s gone to Grasmere. Besides, she’s not alone. She’s with friends.’
I rub the side of my neck, willing her to understand. ‘Beth is sensitive. She finds it hard to interact with others. She’s found making friends difficult.’
‘Do you think that it’s all of her own making?’
‘What do you mean?’ I feel myself bristle.
‘I just meant that, after everything that’s gone before with Ria, it would be natural for you to want to keep her… well… close to you.’
How much easier it had been when Beth was younger. When it was just her and me. When I could make those decisions for her. Now she’s growing into a young woman, I see how much she wants the company of others, not just mine.
Lisa hands me back the note. ‘What about this Carina?’
‘I don’t know. Scott works for her father, but I’ve never thought Beth was very keen on her.’
‘We can’t always see what’s inside our children’s heads, Leona. Probably just as well too. Your daughter’s a young adult. I think you should be happy that she’s spreading her wings a bit.’
She leans back in her chair and laces her fingers together, a gesture I’ve come to recognise as one that heralds a change of subject. ‘What about the panic attacks? Have you had any since I saw you yesterday?’
I reach into my bag for my notebook and open the cover. I’ve decided to do what Lisa suggested: log each attack and note down what I was doing prior to it. ‘I had one last night. I woke up at three thirty feeling as though my heart might pound its way out of my chest.’
Lisa makes a note on her pad. ‘Can you think of anything you did that might have made you anxious?’
Today the window is closed, the gauzy curtain not moving. The room feels a little warm. ‘No, nothing. Apart from coming here, of course, but I’d actually felt quite relaxed once I’d got home after our session.’
‘And Scott and Beth – how are they?’
I frown. ‘They’re fine. Why?’
‘It’s just that sometimes the anxieties of loved ones can be passed on without them realising it. If something is bothering either of them, it might make your own anxiety worse.’
I think of Beth. Last night she’d seemed happier. Helping me make the supper and teasing Scott like she used to. Their relationship is a good one and it warms my heart to see the two of them together, messing about like a couple of kids.
‘They’re both good,’ I say, still guilty that it was Scott who noticed that Beth has not been herself recently. At least she seems happier now. I don’t tell Lisa that sometimes I catch Beth looking at me and I’m sure it’s worry I see in her eyes.
‘Just remember, Leona, I’m here as a sounding block for you. You can talk to me about anything that’s concerning you, even indirectly. The fact that you’ve started to struggle after so many years of calm is unusual but not unheard of.’
‘But my fears are so irrational. It’s hard to explain them.’
‘Although you can’t put your fears into words, after what you’ve experienced, any worries you have are not irrational. In fact, they are perfectly understandable. Did you find it useful to talk about it yesterday?’
‘About Ria?’
‘Yes.’ Lisa’s gaze is steady. Her voice calm.
I look down at my hands. ‘I think it helped, yes. I appreciate the time you’ve given me. If it was just a regular counselling session, I know I wouldn’t be able to see you this often.’
‘It’s why I’m here. It’s good you’re finding it helpful.’ Lisa smiles and settles herself in her seat. ‘Maybe we should continue.’
Fifteen
Ria
Ria opened her eyes and tried to remember where she was. There was a gap in the grey striped curtains and a shaft of morning sunlight fell across the matching duvet cover. This wasn’t her flat. Moving her arm tentatively beneath the covers, she was relieved to find that she was alone in the bed. It would give her a moment or two to sort out her thoughts.
As she stared at the black and white prints on the wall and the mirrored wardrobe that spanned the entire width of the room, it all started to come back. The cheering of the punters as she’d finished her set and taken a bow, the feel of the man’s hand on her wrist as she’d walked past him. The compliments he had paid her and how good it had made her feel.
She’d invited him back to their table and the three of them had finished the bottle of wine he’d bought earlier, and started on another. His name was Gareth and he worked as a broker in one of the tall glass and steel buildings in Liverpool Street. He’d been charming and attentive, asking her questions about her singing and her studies while, all the time, taking care not to make Leo feel excluded. The squeeze of her best friend’s fingers under the table signalled approval, and when the apology came – Sorry, Ria. I’ve got to go. I’ve a nine o’clock lecture tomorrow and I’m bushed – Ria’s eyes relayed her thanks.
It had been almost inevitable that she would go back with him, despite
her self-imposed rule not to have sex on a first date. Ria stretched her arms out above her head, remembering the way they’d fallen through the door, impatient to take off each other’s clothes. Not waiting until they had got to the bedroom but finding the leather settee instead. She blushed at the thought of what they’d done. How abandoned she’d been. When she got back, Leo would be expecting a blow-by-blow account of what had gone on, and she would have to give an edited version.
A clearing of the throat brought Ria back to the present. Gareth was standing in the doorway in his boxer shorts, a tray in his hands. At the sight of his smooth bare chest, she swallowed, remembering what it had felt like against her lips.
He smiled at her. ‘I thought you might like some breakfast.’
‘Thank you, I’m ravenous.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ he said, and Ria felt her cheeks redden further.
Walking to the bed, Gareth placed the tray on the grey striped cover. ‘I’ve made you some porridge, and there’s some toast and jam. Hope you like coffee.’
‘Coffee’s good, thanks.’ She pulled herself up, tucking the duvet under her arms, ashamed of her nakedness.
‘A bit late for shyness, don’t you think?’ Sitting on the edge of the bed, he pinched the cover between finger and thumb and pulled it down. ‘I don’t think you realise how beautiful you are?’
He ran a finger down her breast and she shivered, finding the tattoo that curled around his wrist unsettling, but before she could say anything, he’d pulled the cover back up again and put the tray on her lap.
She stared at it. There was just one cup and one bowl. ‘Aren’t you having anything?’
‘I ate earlier. I’m not one for lying in.’
Going to the mirrored wardrobe, Gareth slid it open and took out a pair of jogging bottoms from a hanger. He pulled them on over his boxers, then selected a light blue T-shirt from one of the shelves. ‘I’m going out for a run. You enjoy your breakfast.’
Pushing his feet into some running shoes, he kissed her on the forehead and made for the door.
‘But I…’
It was too late; he’d left the room and she could hear his footsteps in the narrow hallway. When she heard the front door close, Ria put the tray to one side, then pushed back the covers and walked to the window. Parting the curtains just enough so she could see through them but not be seen herself, she watched him as he stood at the edge of the road waiting for a break in the traffic. She waited, wondering if he would look back, but he didn’t – just jogged across the road, then turned right along the street. When he’d disappeared from view, she dropped the curtain.
Unsure what to do next, she got back into bed and pulled the tray onto her lap. She took a mouthful of porridge. It was thick and creamy, exactly as she liked it. The coffee was good too, freshly ground, not instant from a jar as she was used to. When she had finished the porridge, she spread her toast with butter and jam from the little china pot Gareth had placed on the tray, intending to only have a few bites. It was so delicious though that, before she knew it, she’d finished it.
Wiping her mouth on the neatly folded serviette, she lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes. I could get used to this. She couldn’t wait to tell Leo, already committing the items on the breakfast tray to memory like the game she and her parents used to play at Christmas. Deciding to send a text, Ria scanned the bedroom, wondering what she’d done with her bag. She couldn’t see it, or her clothes either. She must have left them in the living room. Trying to remember coming to bed, she found she couldn’t. She must have been more drunk than she’d thought.
Not wanting to walk around his apartment naked, Ria went to the wardrobe and slid it open. The clothes that hung there were stylish, grouped according to their colour. Reaching in a hand, she slipped a mint green shirt off its hanger. That would do.
As she did up the buttons, she studied herself in the mirrored doors, enjoying the feel of the crisp cotton against her bare skin. The colour suited her, the dark hair that fell across her shoulders contrasting with the pale material. Her legs were tanned from a cheap Greek holiday she’d had with Leo, and she felt happy with her reflection.
Walking back to the bed, Ria picked up the tray. She was about to carry it to the kitchen when she heard the front door open. She froze, aware of the push of her breasts against the shirt, realising she’d never thought to ask if anyone else lived in the apartment. What if Gareth had a flatmate?
There was the sound of keys being thrown onto the table and then footsteps on the wooden flooring of the hallway. Scared she might be seen, Ria remained where she was, the coffee cup rattling softly on its saucer. Whoever it was, was coming towards the bedroom.
She held her breath, then let it out again in relief as Gareth appeared in the doorway.
‘So, you decided to get up then.’ It was a statement rather than a question.
‘Christ, Gareth, for a horrible moment I thought you had a lodger you’d forgotten to tell me about. You weren’t gone long.’
His grey eyes considered her. ‘Long enough for you to go snooping.’
Unsure of whether he was joking or not, she looked down at the shirt she’d put on. ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t find my clothes. I didn’t want to walk around without anything on. I didn’t think you’d mind.’
A smile hovered over his lips and Ria closed her eyes in relief. Taking a step towards her, he leant forward and kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Of course I don’t mind. I was only kidding.’
When he reached out his hands, she thought he was going to take the tray from her, but he didn’t. Instead, he gripped the bottom of the shirt and drew it up until it was bunched around her hips. He looked down and, with the tray in her hands, there was little she could do about it. It felt strange to be so exposed but also exciting.
‘Stay here with me today,’ he said, slipping his arms around her, his hands resting on the curve of her back, his fingertips grazing her buttocks. ‘I’ll make you dinner, or we could go out.’
‘I can’t. I have an assignment that’s due in on Monday. I’m behind as it is.’
Stepping back, he took the tray from her and put it on the floor. Then, taking her hand, he led her back to the bed.
‘I’m sure I have ways of persuading you,’ he said.
Sixteen
Beth
‘You’re looking happy. Good day?’
Beth watched her dad pull off his walking boots, holding on to the wall to keep his balance.
‘Yep.’
‘You’ve caught the sun on your nose. Did you put any cream on? It can be deceptive when there’s cloud around. You need to be careful.’
Going over to the mirror, Beth turned her head one way then the next. He was right, the bridge of her nose was a little pink, and the sun had brought out the freckles on her cheeks. One more thing for the girls at school to laugh about. For the first time in a long time, though, she didn’t care, for as David had dropped her off at the entrance to the campsite, he had asked whether she wanted to come over later. Three friends of his from London were staying the night at the campsite on their way to Scotland. They’d be having a barbeque and a few drinks and she’d be welcome. The more the merrier.
She hugged the memory to her. Okay, so it wasn’t a date, but it proved that he liked her a bit. Why else would he invite her?
‘Where’s your mum?’ Opening the front door again, her dad placed the boots outside.
‘She wasn’t here when I got back. I think she’s gone into Ambleside.’
‘Ah, yes. She probably mentioned it, but I’ve got a head like a sieve.’ Padding through the living room in his walking socks, he went into the kitchen and Beth heard the kettle being switched on.
He came back into the room and perched on the arm of the settee. ‘I don’t think your mum’s been herself lately. Have you noticed anything?’
Beth glanced at the clock. A conversation about her mum wasn’t what she wanted at the moment. She needed to
get ready. Think of a way to make herself look less like Rudolph and more like someone David would want to kiss.
A frisson of excitement ran through her at the thought. She was fifteen years old and had never been kissed properly. Not by someone she cared about. Maybe now her time had come, unless her parents mucked it up. In some ways, it was good that her mum hadn’t come home yet.
‘She seems fine to me.’
Her dad scratched at his beard. ‘She’s not said anything then?’
‘Not to me. Why would she?’
‘I don’t know. She just seems drained. On edge. These panic attacks she’s been having…’
He stopped and Beth realised it was because he was afraid he’d said too much. He didn’t want to worry her.
‘Graham mentioned what happened in the shop.’
He looked relieved. ‘There have been other times too. I wish I knew what it was all about. She looks tired, don’t you think? If she was ill, she’d tell us, wouldn’t she?’
‘Look, Dad. I know you’re worried, but I’m sure she’s all right. Maybe it’s her age… The menopause or something.’
‘She’s thirty-seven, Beth. Don’t they teach you anything in your biology lessons?’
She glanced at the clock. If she didn’t ask him now, she never would.
‘Dad?’
‘That’s me.’
‘There’s a new girl in my class called Emma. She’s invited me over this evening with Carina and some of the others. Can I go?’ At least this way, they couldn’t check where she was.
Her dad raised his eyebrows. ‘But you’ve been with Carina all day. Won’t you be sick of the sight of each other?’
If she could just get him on her side, she knew he’d be able to persuade her mum.
‘Please, Dad. I don’t want to be the only one who isn’t allowed to go. I won’t be late back, I promise.’
‘And how will you get home?’ he asked. He got up and went into the kitchen. There was the sound of water being poured into mugs.