by E. L. Todd
“Trin, I’m not thirteen anymore.”
“Well, if you are on top, I could give you head.”
He stared at me like I was crazy. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”
“Is it because of my leg…you aren’t attracted to me?”
His eyes filled with anger. “No, not in the slightest. I just don’t need sex from you. You think I’m going to leave if I don’t get it? Is that what you’re implying? Because when I said I loved you, I meant it. You don’t owe me a damn thing, Trinity. After almost losing you, being able to sleep with you every night is keeping me sane. I don’t need anything else. Having you in my arms is enough. I’m in so much pain since you’re in pain, and sex isn’t appealing to me at all.”
Guilt was welling up inside me.
He lay back down and forced me to lie with him. “This is what I need, Trinity…to have you in my arms.”
“I’m sorry…I just know what kind of guy you are.”
“No, what kind of guy I used to be. He’s dead, Trinity.”
Moments like this made me feel lighter than air. Knowing he loved me, cherished me, made everything seem right in the world. I remembered everything he said to me on this journey, that I shouldn’t expect him to change and I meant nothing to him. Everything was different now, and I loved it.
He tightened his hold on me. “Baby?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry for everything I said to you in the past. I said a lot of mean and hurtful things… I just want you to know that.”
“I’m sorry too.”
He kissed my neck. “I’ll never take you for granted again.”
“I know, Slade.”
His warm breath fell on my neck. “He’s coming tomorrow?” There was sorrow in his voice.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“And he hasn’t said anything to you?”
“No…you?”
“No.”
“Maybe I should bring it up to him,” I said with a sigh. “This conversation will have to happen eventually.”
“And I’m dreading it. He’s pretty upset.”
“I know.” I hated thinking about the look in his eyes.
“Trinity…what if he doesn’t accept me? What if he refuses your relationship with me…and asks you to leave me?”
I held his hand in mine. “I won’t leave you, Slade. We’re in this together, remember?”
He nodded into my neck. “Good, because I can’t live without you.”
He made me melt again. “Neither can I.”
My dad walked inside with his bag over his shoulder. He looked at me then at Slade, clearly irritated he was there. His jaw was clenched, and his shoulders were tense.
Slade picked up on the threat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed me on the cheek.
“Okay.” I grabbed his face and gave him a closed-mouth kiss on the lips.
He accepted it then quickly stepped away, knowing he wasn’t welcome. “Call me if you need me.”
“Okay.”
“Good night.” He walked past my father. “Good night, sir.” Slade had never addressed anyone by that title before. He was working hard to ease the tension with my dad, but it wasn’t doing any good.
Like he hadn’t seen him or heard him, my dad walked past him then left his bag on the counter.
Slade sighed then shut the door.
Once he was gone and his car left the driveway, my dad was in a subtly better mood. “How are you feeling, honey?”
“Good.” I was sitting on the couch with a blanket over my legs. “How about you?”
He didn’t answer the question. “Did you take all your meds?”
“Yes.” Slade was on top of it.
“Is your leg okay? Does it hurt?”
“No, the Vicodin does wonders.”
“Are you hungry?”
I tried to be patient and not let the plethora of questions annoy me. “No, I’m fine. Sit down and relax.”
He pulled off his shoes then sank into the other couch, still wearing his suit. He must have just gotten off work. “Your mother sends her love.”
“I talked to her for two hours today.” I chuckled when I remembered the conversation. “It was impossible to get her off the phone.”
“She’s just worried.”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m okay.”
He crossed his foot at the knee then undid the button of his jacket.
“How was work?”
“Fine.” He seemed tense.
“Is there something on your mind?” I tried prodding him into the conversation.
“I’m suing the truck driver that hit you.” He said it without emotion.
“What? Why?”
“Because he almost killed you,” he said with bitterness.
“It was an accident,” I argued. “Was he drunk?”
“No.”
“Then he just lost control of the truck. The roads were wet and slippery. It wasn’t his fault.”
“If he isn’t a good driver then he shouldn’t be a fucking truck driver.” His voice was low, but it was clear he was angry by the use of the curse word.
“Dad, I’m going to be okay, and no one died. Don’t sue him.”
He stared at the TV, no longer participating in the conversation.
“And what are you suing him for? You have all the money in the world.”
“I’m suing him for everything he has,” he said bitterly. “I’m going to ruin his life.”
I didn’t like this side of him—at all. “I will never forgive you if you do that.”
He looked at me, the anger still brewing.
“I know you’re upset…about a lot of things…but that isn’t the solution. You will not go through with it and you’ll drop that suit. I mean it.”
“You almost died, Trinity. The paramedic said you were barely alive when he got there. You lost so much blood that it was a miracle you survived.”
“He didn’t do it on purpose.”
He rested his hand on his thigh. “I can deal with anything that comes my way and have the grace to let it go, but when it comes to my kids and my wife, I show no mercy.”
“And a man who doesn’t show mercy isn’t a man at all,” I snapped.
His head turned to me, his eyes raging.
“Dad, you will drop that suit. Or I’ll never speak to you again.”
He ground his teeth together. “It’s not like I mean anything to you anyway…”
Here it comes. The talk I’d been dreading had finally arrived. And it was going to be terrible. “You know that isn’t true. Don’t say that again.” He was being childish and immature, something he never did.
“You lied to my damn face!” His face turned red in anger. “You looked me in the eye and made me believe you were being honest with me. And then you have the nerve to throw a fit when I interfered with your love life. If I’d know about Slade, I wouldn’t have gone to Reid in the first place! So it’s your damn fault.”
“I knew how you would react, and I didn’t want to deal with it.” I wished I could walk so I could stand on my own two feet while I butted heads with him.
“Then if you knew I wouldn’t take it well, why did do you do it? Trinity, what the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking,” I argued. “And I’m glad I didn’t.” I didn’t regret the decision I made or how I ended up where I was. Slade me made me happier than I could ever imagine. He broke my heart along the way, but he made up for it, and now we were stronger than before.
He shook his head. “How long has this been going on for?”
“Six months.”
His eyes narrowed in anger. “And you didn’t think, in all that time, I should know? You’ve been doing this behind my back without blinking an eye?”
“I’m an adult! I don’t have to tell you a damn thing!” I wasn’t going to let him win this time. Forget it. “Who I sleep with and what I do in the privacy of my bedroom is no
ne of your business.”
“It is when it’s Slade! Someone I considered to be a son! When it’s a stupid punk who doesn’t give a shit about you. Trinity, he’s just using you to get his dick wet. And the fact that he crossed me and stabbed me in the back like that is not okay. It’s totally disrespectful and wrong.”
“He’s not using me.”
“Then why did you hide your relationship?” he demanded. “You obviously knew you were doing something wrong.”
I turned my face, averting my gaze. Unable to move, I had nowhere to hide.
“Trinity, answer me. Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you lie?”
“I already told you.”
“No, you didn’t. You lied to my face for a reason. The fact that you’re with someone you need to lie for doesn’t make me like him any better.”
“We were…taking our relationship slow. We weren’t ready to go public.”
Now he was more pissed. “No. Slade didn’t want you to tell anyone because he wanted you to be his dirty secret.”
His words stung.
“He doesn’t care about you. He’s the exact same way he’s always been. You deserve something more than that.”
“He’s not like that anymore.”
He rolled his eyes. “Trinity, heartbreakers like him don’t change.”
“You changed,” I snapped.
“After I finished my youth and realized it was time to settle down. You’re just graduating college. Trinity, he hasn’t flushed his recklessness out of his system yet. He’s going to eat you alive and spit you back out.”
I averted my gaze again.
“You remember what I told you? What happens when you have a broken heart?”
I did but I wouldn’t say it.
“I have a broken heart too.” He stared me down, watching me. “Seeing you almost die shattered my heart into a million pieces, but now having to deal with this so suddenly is an even bigger blow.”
“I know it’s hard to accept…and I understand why you’re mad. I shouldn’t have lied to you and I admit that. It was wrong. Now that everything is out and in the open, I realize I could have handled it a different way. I’m sorry I lied and deceived you. I am. But I stand by Slade and I’m not going to leave him. I love him, Dad.”
He didn’t look at me, his eyes trained on the wall. “This is a mistake…”
“No, it’s not.”
He clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white. Then he released them. “I will accept whomever you choose to love. I don’t care that Slade has tattoos or that he’s still immature. Even the fact that he wants to ink for a living makes no difference to me. Slade is different in his quirks and his attitude. But I’ve always respected him because he’s honest and true. There are a million other things I like about him, and I love him just as much as I love Conrad. Please understand that…”
“I do…”
“But when I asked you if you were with him, you lied. I know Slade pretty damn well, and I can piece together this dysfunctional relationship. He slept with you and used you, and then kicked you aside like garbage.”
His harsh words made me flinch.
“And then it happened again…and again. Somehow along the line it became a relationship of convenience, a secret booty-call system, something Slade has been doing all his life. And then at some point, things changed. He realized that he did give a damn about you, and he finally started to respect you…even love you.” He studied my face, watching every feature. “Am I wrong? And don’t you dare lie to me.”
I was cornered again, unsure what to do.
“What you do on your own time isn’t my business. I get that. My dad never pried into my scandalous and immoral life, and I’d have been pissed off if he tried. If you had this sort of relationship with some random guy I never met, I wouldn’t give a damn or expect you to tell me about it. But the fact that it’s Slade, someone I trust, is unacceptable. He can’t use you for months and then decide he loves you, not with my daughter. It doesn’t work that way.” He clenched his jaw in irritation. “He shattered my trust and he hit me right where it hurts. I can’t trust him to look after you and take care of you, not after he used you like a toy. He gave you less than what you deserve, and he was a selfish asshole.”
“We all make mistakes…and it was the best mistake of my life.” I shook my head slightly. “And don’t put all the blame on him. There were two people in this arrangement, and I wanted it as much as he did. I wanted it to be that way. I used him just as much as he used me, so stop putting the blame on him entirely.”
His eyes darkened again while he stared at me. “Fine, I’ll cut to the chase. Where do you see this relationship going?” He stared at me like he’d asked me a question when I knew he hadn’t. “We both know how it ends. We both know he walks away from you. We both know he’ll turn around and never look back.”
It was my darkest fear. “All relationships end one or way or another, either by breakup or death. So that isn’t fair.”
“I agree. But when Slade does walk away, what will be left? You will never be friends again, one of you will always stay away on holidays, and all your friends will never be able to stay in the same room again. He’ll see other women and you’ll catch wind of it. In the blink of an eye, you’ll realize how quickly your relationship ended. Trinity, this relationship is doomed to fail. All you’ll get out of this is a broken heart.”
My head started to throb with pain. Never in my life had I been attached to someone like I was to Slade. The connection between us implied something stronger than a relationship, stronger than love. Imagining his absence in my life was unthinkable, even as just a friend. I never wanted to feel that void, to see him go. I knew how he was, how he feared commitment and had a difficult time giving me what I wanted, but I had faith in him. Even if we took it slow, we would get there. We would make it. “I’m willing to risk it.”
My dad adjusted his watch even though it was perfectly in place. His fingers moved sporadically, like they wished they were grabbing something else. Then he lowered his hands, staring at the window. “I’m disappointed in you…”
Like a bolt of lightning, it hit me and split my veins in two. Pain emerged in my stomach then flooded to every nerve and inch of skin. I felt sick, wounded, hurt… “That’s not fair…you can’t judge me for who I love.”
“That’s not why I’m disappointed.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I know I’m still your father, so we’ll never be true friends, but knowing you lied to me like that…hurt. Ryan knew what was going on, and I was a fool who hoped you’d find the right guy. I feel stupid, played…by my own daughter.”
I steadied the tears that formed behind my eyes.
“How can I ever trust you again?”
I wished I could walk away and hide my face. I wished I could leave the house and head to Slade’s arms. But I was stuck, pinned to the couch and unable to move. “Go…leave.” I didn’t look at him as I said it. “Now.”
My dad stayed in his spot, rubbing his hands together. He would never walk away from me when I was upset, but I knew he was upset too. He rose to his feet and slowly put his shoes on his feet. Then he grabbed his bag and walked out my front door.
When I heard his engine start and his car recede from my driveway, the tears came. They fell down my face, warm and sticky. My father had made me upset before, but not like this. I couldn’t digest my emotions or understand them. But I knew, in the back of my mind, why I was so distraught.
It was because I hurt him.
I waited two hours for my dad to return. He wouldn’t really leave me. I knew he was upset, but his concern for me was stronger. Slade would come back over if I asked him to, but I knew my dad wanted to be with me, no matter how pissed off he was.
When two hours passed, I feared I’d been wrong. He wasn’t coming back. I hurt him so much I pushed him away. The worst thing I did as a child was sneak out of the house to go clubbing with my friends. He was mad, but I
could tell he was amused too. This was different. I’d crossed a line I could never uncross.
Headlights suddenly shone through my window and brightened my dark living room. When the engine was killed and the lights turned off, my heart stopped. Did my dad come back? Or was it Slade? Or someone else? I wished I could peek out the window and look but my disability prevented me from doing such a simple task.
The front door opened and my dad walked inside, his bag over his shoulder.
I knew he’d come back.
The tears welled up then fell at the sight of him.
He dropped his bag then came up beside me on the couch. His arms wrapped around me and he held me close, my face in his neck. He breathed hard while he held me, his hand on the back of my head. “I’m sorry.”
I clung to him, grateful my dad didn’t hate me. “I’m sorry too…”
“I love you, honey. So much it hurts…”
“I love you too.”
He didn’t drop his hold. His arms stayed around me as the night passed. His breathing started to slow, and his heartbeat synced with mine. His hand touched my hair gently, giving me a silent reassurance. “Sometimes I get…intense. I’m not good at being calm or understanding. It’s always been a struggle for me. I’m a horrible person and father for treating you that way…especially when I almost lost you. You are everything to me, and I’m an asshole for making you cry when you’re already in so much pain. I’m so thankful you’re alive and well. Being upset about this is stupid and pointless…I’m sorry, Trinity.”
“Dad, forget about it.”
“Why do you let me off so easily?”
“Because I messed up too. We both did.”
A large breath escaped his mouth. “How did I get so lucky to have such amazing kids?”
“You think we’re amazing…? Even Conrad?”
He chuckled slightly, but he was still upset. “I wouldn’t change anything about either of you. You’re my pride and joy…so is your mother.”
I held him tightly, so glad he came back and he didn’t hate me. “Dad?”
He held me closer, like he was afraid I would slip away. “Yes?”
“I won’t lie to you again. I promise.”