by E. L. Todd
When I was done, I opened the stall door and saw Arsen standing there. “Did you listen to me pee?”
“Wanted to make sure you didn’t fall.”
“Creep…” I washed my hands then dried them.
He stayed behind me, hovering around me so I wouldn’t slip away.
“Stop acting like a shadow and leave me alone.”
“I’m taking you home. You’re wasted.”
I got in his face. “Nobody takes me home but me. You lost that privilege. Look, you wanted to get rid of me, and you were successful. I’m not sitting here telling you there’s more to you than you project. I’m not trying to convince you that you’re capable of something serious. I’m done with this, and now you have exactly what you want. Go out and fuck around and do whatever it is you do when I’m not there.” I turned away, but he grabbed me again.
“Now I understand just how much I hurt you…”
I twisted away again. “I’m not hurt. You can’t hurt me. You want to know why? Because I won’t let you.” I pushed my hands into his chest and made him stumble back. “Get away from me and stay away. This is what you wanted, so accept the consequences of your actions.” I stormed out of the bathroom and tried to get lost in the crowd.
Of course, Arsen caught up to me. “Just let me take you home. I’m worried about you.”
“I can take care of myself,” I said with a growl. “And I got my girlfriends.” When I was in sight of the table, I stumbled when I saw them both chatting with handsome men. Fresh drinks were in front of them, and I knew I was forgotten.
Arsen gripped my elbow. “Let’s go.”
“No.” I pulled away. “You don’t care about me anyway, right? Just leave and forget about me.”
He pressed his face close to mine. “I never said that. I tried pushing you away to save you.”
“Save me?” I asked incredulously. “From what? Believe me, you hurt me a lot more than whatever secrets you have.”
His eyes dimmed while he stared at me. “Just let me take you home. We’ll have this conversation some other time.”
“No, we won’t. I never want to have another conversation with you—ever. Now leave me the hell alone.”
Arsen yanked my purse off my shoulder then pulled me toward the door.
“What the hell are you doing?”
He dragged me outside then waved down a cab.
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Arsen ignored me then opened the back door of the cab. “Get in.”
“No.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Get in or I’ll make you.” He ground his teeth together, clearly annoyed.
“Why aren’t we taking your motorcycle?”
“Because you’re drunk off your ass and will fall off.”
“Good riddance, right?” I shifted my weight and gave him a look full of attitude.
His patience waned. He grabbed me and pushed me in the cab. Then he scooted in next to me. After he told the driver my address, the cab took off.
I stayed as far away from him as possible and looked out the window, trying to pretend he wasn’t really there.
Arsen stayed quiet and didn’t try to talk to me. He didn’t touch me either.
“How did you know I was there?”
“I followed you,” he said quietly.
“Stalker…”
“If you’d just answered the damn phone, I wouldn’t have had to.”
“I don’t owe you anything, Arsen.” I continued to stare out the window.
He sighed. “I know you don’t…”
When we arrived at my apartment, Arsen paid the driver then got out. I headed to my front door without waiting for him. As I walked up the stairs, my heel slipped, and I fell backward.
Arsen caught me and held me still. “You okay?”
Embarrassed by how drunk I was, I left his arms and made it the rest of the way. Then I dug for my keys in my purse. I looked for several minutes without finding them.
Arsen yanked the bag out of my arms and found them in a second. Then he put them in the door and unlocked it for me.
I didn’t want to talk to him or look at him. I walked inside then slammed the door in his face. My heels were kicked off and I went straight to my room. Without changing, I got into bed and closed my eyes, wanting the room to stop spinning.
Once my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next day, it was noon. My head was pounding, and I felt sick to my stomach. Last night was a blur, but I vaguely remembered Arsen being there. I’d peed in the bathroom and he was standing outside the stall.
The memory of his face made my heart hurt. And that just made me feel worse. Why did I have to care about him? Why did he have to give me whiplash over and over? What did I get myself into?
My phone vibrated with a text message. I squinted and read it.
Coffee and breakfast are on your doorstep, along with aspirin. It was Arsen.
I growled in annoyance. He knew what my favorite coffee was, and I was sure he got an onion bagel with cream cheese. The idea of food and fresh-brewed coffee sounded wonderful.
But I was also sure he was lurking out there, sitting on the staircase smoking a cigarette.
Oh, the dilemma. How much did I really want that coffee? How desperate was I to get rid of this hangover? I brooded over it for several minutes until I made my decision. I walked to the front door and opened it.
Like I expected, Arsen was sitting on the staircase. But he was leaning against the wall with his knees pulled to his chest. He was wearing the same clothes as last night. “Morning.” The coffee and pastry bag were right beside him. If I wanted the goodies, I had to get closer to him.
“You’re sick, you know that?”
He ignored my comment. “How do you feel?”
“Like shit,” I said honestly.
“Then have breakfast.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the frame. “You’re baiting me like an animal.”
“We aren’t much different from animals.”
“What kind of argument is that?” I spat.
He grinned slightly then looked away. “How else am I going to get you to talk to me?”
“You aren’t.” I walked out and snatched the food. He didn’t try to grab me or hold me still.
“Sit with me.” He nodded to the stair beside him.
“No.” I turned around to walk back inside.
“I won’t talk about us for as long as we sit out here.”
I stopped mid-step then slowly turned around. “You won’t?”
“No.” He looked across the parking lot, lost in thought.
I sighed then sat beside him on top of the stairs. I pulled out my bagel first then smeared the cream cheese on it. The fact that he got my order perfectly right only irritated me even more. I immediately scarfed it down and felt my stomach loosen up. “What happened last night?”
“You don’t remember anything?” he asked, slightly annoyed.
“I remember some things.”
“You forgave me for everything and we’re back to normal.”
I gave him the biggest glare I could muster. “Nice try.”
He chuckled then ran his fingers through his messy hair. “It was worth a shot.”
I sipped my coffee and watched the afternoon sun. It was midday, and the air was warm.
“I texted your friends and told them you were okay.”
“How did you get their number?”
“I didn’t. I just messaged them from your phone.”
“Huge violation of privacy…”
“I was just trying to help.” He rested his elbows on his knees and watched a squirrel grab a nut from the ground and take it up a tree and into a branch.
I drank my coffee and held it close to my chest, loving how good it tasted. It was just what I needed after the long night I’d had. My migraine didn’t go away, but it wasn’t as bad, thudding slightly.
I opened the bottle of painkillers and popped two of them into my mouth. I swallowed them dry.
“What are your plans today?” he asked.
It was nice having a platonic conversation with Arsen. But I knew it would be over once breakfast was finished. “I don’t know…sleeping.”
He fingered a strand of hair like he often did in bed. It usually meant he was thinking about something intimate. “I could use some shut-eye.”
“You said you wouldn’t talk about us.”
“I didn’t.” He continued to finger his hair, being sexy without trying. “I was just saying…”
I drank the rest of my coffee but still felt sluggish afterward. “Thank you for breakfast.”
“No problem,” he said quietly.
“Where’s your motorcycle?”
“In the parking lot.”
“You went back and got it?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Then why are you wearing the same clothes?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t go home.”
I raised an eyebrow. “So, you’ve been out here?”
He nodded. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
If I wanted it to be this way forever, I’d have to constantly dangle myself in front of him without getting too close. But that was the last thing I wanted. I just wanted Arsen and me to be happy together, to admit how we felt about each other. But he seemed so determined to keep me at arm’s length that I found it unlikely. “You don’t need to check on me, Arsen.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
He dropped his hand from his hair and rested it on his knee.
I crumpled up the bag and coffee cup. “Bye, Arsen.” I stood up and headed to my door.
Arsen rose then came beside me. “I want to talk about us now.”
I gave him a serious look. “I don’t. Now goodbye.”
“No.” He put his hand against the doorframe, blocking me from walking inside my apartment.
“Arsen, just leave me alone.”
“Silke, I know I made a mistake—”
“Shut up,” I hissed. “We’ve had this same argument a hundred times. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m ending it with you. I’m done.”
He flinched at the sting of my words. “Done with me?”
“Done.” I gave him a threatening look before I pulled his arm down. “Now leave.” I walked inside then shut the door.
Once I was alone, the silence deafened me. I was so pissed at Arsen, but in a sick way, I still wanted him to chase me. If I were being blatantly honest and open, I wanted him to chase me forever. I would never feel anything like this for anyone else. Why did I have to fall for a man I could never really have? Sometimes I hated myself for my stupidity.
The door clicked and shook behind me. When I turned around, I saw the handle move and a crack emerge. “I locked that for a reason,” I hissed.
He came inside then locked the door behind him. “I want to talk.”
“Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it.”
“I’m sick of blowing up your phone every day and trying to corner you when you’re at school or out with your friends. I want to talk about this now. You can yell at me and hit me, but you can’t make me go.” He stood his ground and stared me down. Even in his day-old clothes, he looked handsome. His jaw was clenched tightly, and his eyes shone like ice crystals in the sun. When I looked at the way his jeans hung low on his hips and the strength of his chest, I just wanted to curl up with him in bed and forget everything entirely.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at my TV, trying to act like I was really over him. “I’m sick of you pushing me away every time we get close. Just when we make astounding progress, you take off.”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know…”
“You keep saying you hook up with other girls all the time and I don’t mean anything to you. I always thought you were lying, but now I’m unsure.”
His eyes were glued to mine and he didn’t look away.
I waited for him to answer the question I’d never asked.
“You’re the only one.” His voice was quiet and low.
My heart fluttered in my chest and my stomach tightened. It was the response I’d wanted to hear for so long. I thought I was right, but with Arsen, I could never be sure. I tried to hide my reaction and pretend to be indifferent to the revelation. It was difficult. “I can’t keep going back and forth like this…”
He put his hands in his pockets. “I understand.”
“I know you’re such a good guy underneath all that bullshit you throw at people. You have a heart of gold, and you’re nothing but a softy. Knock off the drugs, the lies, and everything else.”
He lowered his gaze and stared at the floor. “Silke, you’re the only person I’ve ever met that’s ever had anything nice to say about me. Everyone else thinks I’m a low-life jerk. They assume I’m not going anywhere and I’ll never amount to anything. And they’re right.”
“No, they aren’t,” I whispered.
“I love that you see the best in me when no one else can. But Silke, you’re wrong. I will never be what you want me to be. As long as you understand that, we can try to have a more…conventional relationship.”
“We do have a conventional relationship,” I argued. “But you try to sabotage it left and right. I haven’t gone anywhere, so what makes you think that will ever change? Just let me in, Arsen. Damn it.”
He sighed then ran his fingers through his hair. “Honestly, where do you see this going? What kind of life could you possibly have with me?”
“I don’t know…life is too unpredictable to have any expectations.”
“Answer me,” he said firmly.
I hadn’t put much thought into it. I’d always focused on just having a relationship to begin with. And I couldn’t answer his question truthfully, at least not without freaking him out. “I don’t know…but I know we would be happy.”
He shook his head slightly then rubbed his chin. “Silke, this is what will happen. You’ll finish college and I’ll be proud of you. You’ll get a job that you love, making a nice salary. What will I be doing? Selling weed. When we get serious, you’ll introduce me to your parents. I can tell you right now they won’t like me. You’ll fight with your family and eventually push them away. Then you’ll ostracize the people you love—for me. I can’t give you a family because kids are nonnegotiable. A life with me is a dead end in every respect. And that’s just an optimistic impression. In reality, we’ll constantly be struggling because I have too many issues for even a therapist to fix. Silke, I’m no good for you.”
The doubt weighed on my heart. When he painted a picture like that, it made me feel hopeless. “That’s just one reality. So many other things could happen. You could get a job—a real one. Maybe you could be a mechanic or sell motorcycles. The possibilities are endless.”
His eyes darkened. “I’m not employable, Silke. I’ll tell you that right now.”
“You would be if you tried. And my parents wouldn’t dislike you—as long as they knew you loved me.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. They wouldn’t want their Harvard-grad daughter to be with anyone less than perfect. They’re probably pretentious snobs just like everyone else.”
I flashed him a look of menace. “Don’t talk about my parents like that. You don’t even know them.”
He scratched the back of his neck.
“My dad is a tattoo artist. He’s been doing it since he graduated high school. He has no education, but he opened up his own business and he’s been doing it ever since. He inks gang members and lowlifes but he’s still the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He would never judge you for being different. Of all people, my dad understands that not everyone is endowed from birth. So don’t insult my family like that ever again.”
Regret shone in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be,” I hissed. “We can have any
future that you want, Arsen. But I’m not going to lie. You’ll have to work to make that happen.”
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“And I know you’ll do everything you can to keep me.”
His eyes zoned in on my face. He studied me wordlessly, his thoughts hidden in his eyes. “Silke…I’ve never met anyone like you. And I’ve met a lot of people from a lot of different places. The moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted you. And the moment you opened that annoying mouth of yours, I never wanted to let you go. You’re the only thing in my life that makes me happy. Everything else just makes me want to put a pistol in my mouth and blow my brains to bits. You’re the kind of woman I didn’t think existed. You’re patient with me and see the light inside me when everyone else sees a black hole. I keep trying to push you away because I need to do the right thing…at least once in my life. But the selfish part of me comes out and wants to hoard you until the end of time.”
It was the first time Arsen had ever confessed his feelings for me. He always pretended I was meaningless to him, that I had no value. There were times when he gave me a special look, and I knew what he was thinking. But never before had he actually admitted to any of those truths. They were words I longed to hear. Words I hoped were real. And the fact that he finally said them made my walls come down. The anger evaporated. “We can do this, Arsen. Don’t push me away anymore.”
He ran his fingers through his hair again and sighed. “I’m scared…”
“Don’t be.”
“I’m scared if I give this a chance, I’ll hurt you even more.”
The words filled me with dread. “Why would you hurt me?”
“Because there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Silke. I sell weed and lurk in the shadows for a reason. I have skeletons in my closet. Secrets I want to take to the grave. If you knew them, you wouldn’t want me anymore.”
I didn’t know what he was hiding, but I knew it was something bad. Arsen was a good guy, but that didn’t mean he’d always been that way. But I knew it wouldn’t change the way I felt. Maybe he’d done things he regretted, but he wasn’t like that anymore. I had faith in him. “I’ll always want you, Arsen. Nothing you say will change anything.”