by Queen Pen
My heart ached every time I saw them on FaceTime. As much as I missed them, I had to focus on school and mending my broken heart. I marveled at how much my life had changed in the last few months. I spent the rest of the class thinking about my summer and before I knew it, class was over, and I hadn’t soaked up any information. I really needed to get a grip on myself if I wanted to maintain my GPA.
I grabbed my books and stuffed them into my bookbag distractedly as I contemplated calling Jazzy on this hour break I had until my next class. I knew that I should spend the time reading the textbook for my next class, but my heart just wasn’t in it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to become a lawyer anymore, it was just that I had a hard time focusing, when all I could think about was Jazzy, Ms. Keddle, Chip…and Maddey.
I sighed and shouldered my bag, as I made my way out of the lecture hall. “Rebel! Wait, didn’t you hear anything I just said?”
I stopped in my tracks and turned to face Cameron who was right behind me. “Sorry, no. What did you say?”
“Damn, already thinking about the next class, huh?” He smirked.
“Something like that,” I mumbled.
“I was seeing if you wanted to grab lunch or something? I mean, how can you say no to this pretty face?” He gestured toward his face and smiled widely.
I shook my head, “I’m really not interested, Cameron. I…I met someone this summer, okay?”
Maddey and I were no longer a thing, but that didn’t make Cameron more of an option for me. It was funny because Maddey and Cameron were a lot alike. Cocky, confident, and complete jerks, but somehow, Cameron still didn’t measure up to Maddey. I contemplated why this might be, but Cameron startled me out of my thoughts, “well, the nigga ain’t me, so does it really matter?”
I stared at Cameron for a long moment, unsure if I should respond to his comment. I decided against it and turned on my heels without another word.
The day breezed by in a blur and I hadn’t retained any information. Luckily it was the first day and my professors only went over the syllabus and the overview of the semester. I grabbed my bag full of books and school supplies out of the backseat of my car and then patted Phillip appreciatively. I was mostly happy that the old car got me to and from school safely today. After being gone for so long, he had a hard time starting up this morning, but as always, he pulled through for me.
I made my way to the front door of the house and noticed that there were flowers sitting on the stoop. I curiously bent down to grab them and proceeded into the house as I dropped my bag in the living room. I set the flowers down on the coffee table and fished the card out of the mass of beautiful roses.
Rebel,
I hope your first day of class went well.
Maddey
I stared at the card as my heart ached. I hated the constant war going on inside of me. I hated Maddey for the way that he treated me. He hadn’t even given our relationship a chance before screwing things up to the point of no return. Then, a huge part of me still loved him. I hadn’t realized how in love with him I was until I was no longer in his presence. I put the card down beside the flowers and sighed. As I stood there, I couldn’t help but notice the silence. I was so use to there being people around all the time back in Vegas, so coming home to the peaceful woods in the mountains, where I lived purely alone, was a little depressing.
I only had a couple of minutes to get settled before my therapy appointment, so I went to the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I grabbed my laptop from my bookbag and set it on the coffee table. As soon as I turned my MacBook on, a facetime call was coming through from Jessica Hale. I accepted her call and her face popped up on the screen.
“Hey, Rebel. How are you today?” She said warmly.
I smiled at her, “I’m okay. Not bad, not particularly good, either.”
This was my fourth session with her, so she already knew about Maddey, Jazzy, and even the trial. She also knew about my time working in the brothel and killing Lil Wolf. Jessica was on King’s payroll. He hired her for Briella and Noella after their kidnapping, so she was safe to talk to. Noella let me know that I could tell her anything, legal, illegal and everything in between. King was paying her enough for her to keep quiet. Somehow, I doubted that Jessica would snitch even if she wasn’t getting paid so well. The goodness in me recognized the goodness in her. She genuinely wanted to help people, regardless of their situations.
“Tell me about your day. Let’s figure out how we can make tomorrow better.” Her deep blue eyes brightened at the task at hand. She loved to get to the root of my problems. That was something I learned quickly about her. I, on the other hand, hated getting to the root of the problem because it meant that I had to revisit the past.
“It was the first day of school,” I started out cautiously. “I had a hard time adjusting to being back there.”
“Why is that?” She cocked her head to the side and her long shiny blonde hair fell over her shoulder.
“I guess I just had other things on my mind. I didn’t feel like being there much.” I shrugged.
“Other things like what?” She probed. I shrugged and her blue eyes bore into me through the screen. “Like Maddey?” She finally asked.
“No, not Maddey. I mean, sort of, but I was thinking about Jazzy more. I wanted to call her, but I didn’t want to be overbearing and—”
“Rebel, pause and take a deep breath. This is a safe zone. Remember, you don’t have to justify your feelings with me,” Jessica said calmly.
I paused and took a deep breath like she instructed. “Yes, I was thinking about Maddey, or rather, putting all my effort into not thinking about him.”
“Why don’t you call him, Rebel?” She suggested.
“He sent me flowers,” I said softly as if she hadn’t even spoken.
“All the more reason to call him,” she quirked a perfectly arched eyebrow up at me.
“There isn’t anything left to say, Jessica. I wouldn’t even know what to say. What he did and said to me was more painful than growing up without a mother, being kidnapped and working in a brothel, and killing Lil Wolf combined.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Jessica said calmly.
I stared at her, with my mouth slightly ajar, “you just told me I didn’t have to justify my feelings to you. Why are you making me do it now?”
“I’m not, Rebel. I’m asking you to think about why you think what he did was more painful than anything else you’d been through. Is it because it’s more recent? Is it because you’ve buried your past so deep that you can’t even conjure up the pain it holds? You haven’t dealt with those things yet and I am trying to get you to do just that. Your past is causing you to completely shut out room for any kind of mistake to happen in your life. That isn’t healthy, Rebel. Now, I’m not saying that you deserve to be treated the way that Maddey treated you. What I am saying is that I whole heartedly believe that if you dealt with your past, you might be able to recognize the hurt and pain that Maddey has been through. From what you’ve told me about him, I’m willing to bet that he has some issues that he needs to work through as well, and that he was acting out in the only way he knew how, when you two got into your tiff. Think about how powerful it would be if you were the one to help him? In this instance, I think that it might help you to separate the action from the person. Dig deep and figure out why he acted out, but first, you need to help yourself.”
I was sobbing into my hands, now. It never failed. Each of my sessions with Jessica resulted in tears, but it felt good to let it out. Once I calmed down, Jessica suggested that we talk about my mom and growing up without her. We spent the next hour hashing out my childhood and picking at that deep-rooted pain that came along with that.
By the end of the call, I’d decided that it was time to take Jessica’s advice and work through my past so that I could live a more reasonable life in the future. I wasn’t ready to forgive Maddey yet, but in time, that just might be
come a possibility.
Nineteen
Four Months Later…
“R
y, you have to push! Push, mama!” I urged calmly.
Before she could cuss me out for reminding her to push, Briella bustled in. “Time to switch!” She said happily.
I groaned and dropped Ryders hand. Briella picked up Ryders hand and began coaching her through the pain while Kobra gave me a sympathetic smile on the other side of the hospital bed. I shuffled out of the room and into the room next door where Noella was getting ready to deliver her baby.
I couldn’t believe that both were giving birth to their babies at the same time. Noella’s water broke last night sometime, roughly thirteen hours ago, and Ryder’s broke around six hours ago, early this morning. Now, they were both ten centimeters dilated and pushing their babies out into the world. I was overjoyed that I was in California for winter break, so when they went into labor, I was already close by. August was still on her way here from Vegas and the way things were looking, she would miss the births.
I cautiously walked up to Noella’s bed. Out of the two of them, Noella was definitely the most agitated. She was giving the nurses and Dr. Stephanie a really hard time, not to mention me, Briella, and Amir.
“Amir stop fucking telling me to breathe! If I wasn’t muthafuckin’ breathing, I’d be dead! Shut the hell up!” She spat at Amir, who was normally playful, but extremely cocky and confident. Over the last thirteen hours, Noella had reduced him to a helpless man scrambling for ways to make his woman comfortable.
“I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know how to help. I hate seeing you in so much pain.” He bent his head.
Noella pulled him by the collar of his shirt, so that he was inches from her face, “help? You want to help?” She screeched. “Get this damn baby out of me, then!”
“Hey, hey,” I stepped in. “Amir, why don’t you go have a seat for a minute?”
I motioned towards the recliner in the corner of the room. Noella, still holding onto his collar, glared at him and then released him. “Get out of my face! Why are you so close to me?” She yelled at him.
Amir shook his head and looked at me with wide eyes as he passed by, “she’s all yours. Mean ass...” he mumbled that last part and I held back a giggle.
I stepped up to Noella’s bed and grabbed her hand just as Stephanie said, “Okay, Noe. It’s time to push again. Let’s get this baby out this time, so I can deliver Ryder’s baby.”
“What the fuck do you think I’m doing? Having a tea party? I’m trying.” Noella cried.
“Shhh, Noella, just focus, sweetie.” I brushed her sweaty hair from her face, and she nodded. Amir stood up and grabbed her other hand.
“Okay, on the count of three.” Stephanie said. “One, two, three!”
Noella bared down and pushed as hard as she could. Her light skin turned dark red as she pushed for ten seconds and just when I thought she would have to try again; Stephanie was pulling the head of the baby out. My eyes grew wide as I watched the little body slide out and then heard the baby’s cries.
“It’s a boy!” Stephanie exclaimed as she swiftly cleaned the baby off and handed him to Noella who was crying her eyes out. “Do you want to cut the cord, daddy?” Stephanie looked at Amir.
He wiped tears from his eyes and gracefully cut the cord before kissing Noella. I felt a lump in my throat as I watched them. “What are you going to name him?” I asked.
“After me, of course,” Amir smirked. He was back to his normal self. I smiled.
“Not exactly,” Noella said, as she looked down at her baby boy who was the spitting image of his father. “Amir Adonis. After his daddy and his grandfather.”
I smiled, “that’s beautiful, Noella. He’s perfect. I’ll go get Briella.”
I excused myself from the room and went next door to the other room where Stephanie already in position to deliver Ryder’s baby. I walked up to Briella and whispered, “you have a nephew.”
She whirled around on me and tears glistened in her eyes. Without asking any questions, she rushed out of the room to meet her newest family member. I knew how much this moment meant to the sisters. It wasn’t too long ago that this moment may not have even been a possibility, and for many reasons. They hadn’t even known each other a few years ago, and then they were tortured for months by Madame. They shouldn’t even be alive today, but as Ryder would say, it was nothing but God himself that brought us all to this moment. I stepped up to Ryder’s bed and grabbed her hand, ready to witness the second birth of the night.
“How are you holding up, mama?” I smiled down at her.
She simply nodded her head. She was in the zone and I wasn’t going to be the one to break her focus. Kobra stroked her hair and whispered lovingly in her ear. My heart ached watching them, but I focused my thoughts and gripped Ryder’s hand tighter when Stephanie told her to push.
It took her several pushes, and during a particularly long one, Briella slipped back into the room. I glanced back at her and did a double take, “Briella,” I hissed. “Why do you have Noella’s baby? Shouldn’t he be with his mother?”
She waved me off as she peered down at her nephew, “he’s with his aunty right now, isn’t that right?” She cooed down at him.
Suddenly, Amir popped in the room and glared at Briella. “Bri! Give me my baby back!”
Briella rolled her eyes. She looked down at baby Amir and said, “these people need to get used to you being with me, yes they do,” she baby talked.
“I’m not playing! Noella is ready to get out of bed herself and get him. Give him to me!”
“Can y’all get the fuck out of my room or at least shut the fuck up?” Ryder gritted out.
Briella sighed and gave baby Amir back to his father. Amir walked out with his son tucked into his arms and Briella stuck her tongue out at him, even though he was gone already, then looked at Ryder. “Sorry, Ry.”
Ryder wasn’t paying her any mind because she was pushing again, and this time, another baby entered into the world.
“It’s a girl!” Stephanie said. She repeated the same ritual with them, and I watched as she handed the baby over to Ryder and Kobra cutting the cord. Briella cooed at the beautiful baby girl from behind me. She looked just like Ryder, who was crying and kissing her baby’s chubby cheeks. Kobra bent over them both as they cried together.
“Our little Kiah Liona,” Ryder cried softly.
Tears welled in my eyes and Briella sniffled next to me. They’d named their baby after their lost loves. It was enough to make the toughest person cry, even Stephanie excused herself from the room as she pulled a tissue out of her pocket.
Feeling emotionally drained, I left the room and went out into the waiting room. I stopped in my tracks before I made it all the way in, though. I could smell him before I saw him. His cologne was one that I dreamed about nightly. I no longer had nightmares, instead, I had sad dreams that felt so real when I woke up, that I swore I could smell his musky scent.
My stomach flopped with nervousness as I cautiously stepped around the corner and into the waiting room. August and Doc were coming out of the room and briefly stopped to say hi to me before rushing down the hall to meet the new addition to the family. I stepped further into the room and I didn’t see anything aside from a flurry of long black hair and bows. “Rebel!”
Jazzy jumped in my arms and before I knew it, I was crying. I hugged her tightly and kissed her head repeatedly. She finally pulled back and smiled up at me, but when she caught sight of my tears, her face fell. “You aren’t happy to see me?”
I laughed through my tears, “Oh, baby. Of course, I am. These are happy tears. I just witnessed two babies being born and now I get a surprise visit from my favorite girl? I’m just happy, sweetie. I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Jazzy said sweetly before looking over her shoulder at the person I was trying desperately to avoid, while also trying desperately to catch a glimpse of all of him at the same time.
I chanced a look in that direction and my heart stilled at the sight of Maddey who was staring at me intensely. It had been several long months since I had laid eyes on him, and a flurry of emotions took over me. I wanted to run to him and kiss him all over. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and never let him go. I also wanted to cry, shout, and hit him. I couldn’t seem to make up my mind, so I simply stood there frozen in place and stared at him, while Jazzy buried her head in my chest and clung to my waist.
He cleared his throat, “it’s good to see you. You look good.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
There was an awkward silence as we sized each other up. He cleared his throat again and shifted his stance. “Noella had her baby?”
I broke into a huge smile, despite the tension in the room. “Yes, she did. You have a nephew and he’s perfect. They named him Amir Adonis.”
Maddey scowled. “They couldn’t name that lil nigga after me?”
I grimaced as I covered Jazzy’s ears. She playfully swatted me away and I laughed, “I see not much has changed.”
“Never that.” Maddey said, looking me up and down with lust in his eyes.
I shifted my stance awkwardly, “do you want to go meet your nephew?” I turned around so that I could show him what room they were in, but Maddey’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Nah, I’ll go see them later. I want to talk to you about some shit first.”
A shiver ran up my spine and my palms began to sweat. The last few months I had been having sessions with Jessica twice a week. We had worked through a lot, starting with my mother, moving through my childhood, diving into being kidnapped and forced to work in a brothel. We touched on my previous drug addiction, my relationships with my dad, friends, and even Maddey. Through all of that, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that Maddey wasn’t the only one running from the love we shared. I was, too. I was too afraid to confront Maddey with the reason why and despite Jessica’s insistent suggestions to talk to him, I refrained.