by Queen Pen
I foolishly hadn’t even thought about Maddey coming to the hospital, when Noella gave birth. What was I thinking? They are siblings. I literally could have bashed my head against the wall at this very moment, but instead, I took a deep breath and looked down at Jazzy, “do you want to go see the babies?”
Before she could answer, Maddey said, “nah. She should stay for this shit.”
I eyed him curiously and nodded my head before sitting down in one of the uncomfortable chairs. Jazzy sat next to me, clinging to my hand. Maddey sat in the chair across from us. Maddey and I stared at each other, as Jazzy looked from me to Maddey and back again. “Is anyone going to say something?” She asked.
I giggled nervously and looked at Maddey again. He wanted to talk so I was waiting for him to say something. He ran his hand down his face and then scratched the back of his neck. “You know I’m not good with this shit, so I’m just going to say what’s on my mind. I miss you, Rebel. I know I fucked up and said some shit to you that was unforgivable, but I’m asking you to do the impossible and forgive me, ma. Let’s move passed this shit. I need you by my side.”
I blinked at him as tears clouded my vision. “I forgive you.” I whispered. The biggest smile flooded his face and it made my heart ache. He got up and moved towards me, but I stopped him with my next words, “but I can’t be with you, Maddey.”
He looked up at the ceiling and it seemed as though he was counting to ten before he exhaled a breath and looked down at me. “Why the fuck not?” He seethed.
“I just—”
“Nah, fuck that bullshit, Rebel! Why the fuck can’t you be with me, huh? I know I’m an arrogant selfish asshole that doesn’t deserve you, but damnit, I fucking need you!” He dropped to his knees so that he was eye level with me. He grabbed my hand and I allowed him to gently caress it as he looked into my eyes. “I need you, ma. You make me better and shit. I been miserable as fuck without you.”
“He doesn’t even go to work anymore. All he does is watch movies with me. I even caught him watching Coco by himself the other da—”
“Be quiet, lil girl,” Maddey glared at her. Jazzy shrugged and looked back at me.
I shook my head, with a small smile on my face as I allowed the tears to fall from my eyes. Maddey lifted my chin with his finger. “I just need an answer. Why can’t you be with me?”
I looked into his eyes. Long gone were the angry black eyes that used to intimidate me. Instead, I saw a cesspool of dark brown filled with love. Maddey had shifted something in me that I was never willing to compromise on and that was being in love. After the abuse I’d endured with Madame and the issues I had with people leaving me due to my mom, my heart was closed for business. That was, until Maddey came along. Mesmerized by his eyes, I blurted out the last thing I’d ever wanted to say out loud unless it was in therapy with Jessica. “I can’t have kids!”
Jazzy, who was swinging her feet back and forth and staring at them with a bored expression on her face, whipped her head around to look at me. I clasped my hands over my mouth and then glanced at Maddey who had a smirk on his face. Was he making fun of me? I can’t believe I just said that out loud. Through my sessions of therapy, I had uncovered that I was more bothered by not being able to have kids than I’d realized.
When Stephanie came to check me, Rori, and Careena out after our stint with Madame, she gravely told me that due to the abuse I’d endured, I wouldn’t ever be able to have children. There was too much scaring. Rori and Careena hadn’t suffered the same fate as me, but at the time, I was too numb to deal with it or to even care. I buried that little fact about myself in the depths of my mind and hadn’t really thought about it since. Fresh tears fell from my eyes as I tried to get up so I could put some distance between Maddey and I, but he grasped my hips and held me firmly in place. “Is that what’s bothering you? Do you think I care about that, Rebel? I don’t need to be anybody’s daddy.” He chuckled.
Jazzy looked at him like he was crazy. “Hey!” She balled her little face up in anger and I laughed through my tears. It was official, she had been spending way too much time with Maddey. She had his mean mug down pat.
“Hush, lil girl.” He said without even looking at her. He kept his eyes locked on mine as he said, “besides, that shit don’t matter, no way.”
He stood up and pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to me. I wiped the tears from my face and gingerly took the envelope from him, curious to see what was inside. I opened the flap and took out several documents. I flipped through them one by one, my heart hammering in my chest and my hands becoming shakier as the seconds ticked by. When I was finished, I looked up at Maddey who was looking at me wearily, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I then glanced over at Jazzy, who was smiling at me and bouncing up and down in her seat.
“Well?” Maddey asked.
I stood up and began pacing, glancing at him every other second. Finally, I asked, “what exactly does this mean?”
He shrugged, “it means that legally, Jazzy is now Jazmine Alanna Adams, my daughter.” He gestured towards the documents that lay discarded on the chair, “all you need to do is sign her birth certificate and she will legally be your daughter, as well.”
I collapsed into a chair and stared at him in disbelief. “How is that even possible?”
“Have you forgotten who the fuck I am, Bel? I know people in various capacities. Forging documents isn’t hard to do if you know the right people. The documents are legally binding and on paper, Jazzy can be our daughter. She can have a fresh start. She can go to school, therapy, and all that other shit and we won’t have to worry about her being thrown into foster care.”
“So…you’re asking me to co-parent with you?” I asked trying to wrap my head around the information I had been given.
Maddey growled in frustration and crossed the room in two steps to where I was now sitting. He pulled me up from the chair and held me in his arms as he stared down at me. “Haven’t you been listening to what the fuck I been saying? I ain’t asking you to co-parent and shit. I want us to be a family. All three of us.”
My knees buckled and Maddey held me up in his strong arms. “You hurt me,” I whispered weakly, knowing that I was fighting a losing battle.
“I know that, Bel. I plan on making it up to you for the rest of my life. I was trying to push you away and shit. I was stupid as fuck. That bitch didn’t mean shit to me and I should have never put you down like that, ma. I was dead fuckin wrong for that shit and I been beating myself up ever since, especially since you pulled through for me and got my case dismissed. I owe you everything. Let me give you the world.”
I buried my head in his chest. The fact that I couldn’t have kids wasn’t even phasing him. In fact, he gave me the very desire of my heart without having known it. The things that he said and did to me were definitely going to have to be talked about, but I was doing my best to heed Jessica’s advice and separate the actions from the man. This man. This beautiful, menacing, difficult man, was everything that I’d needed. He was the key to my happiness, and I couldn’t turn my back on my happiness.
I wiped my face on his shirt, not caring that it probably costed more than my whole outfit, before I turned to Jazzy and held my arm out to her. She bounded over to us with her long legs and smiled up at me. I winked down at her and then looked up at Maddey. “Okay, Maddey. I’m willing to work on us as a family, on one condition.”
Jazzy giggled and I held out my hand to her for a high five. She slapped my hand and Maddey glared down at us. “Fuck the condition. I’ll do anything you ask me to, Rebel. I love you.”
It felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and said, “I love you, too,” before kissing him, not caring that Jazzy was standing right there to witness her new parents making out.
Twenty
T he ride home was dead silent. Maddey was navigating the car safely through the mountains on our
way home. It had been almost a month since Maddey and I had reunited and things have been going really well. He and Jazzy moved to Colorado pretty quickly after Christmas break was over because Maddey was insistent that we get her enrolled into a school out here where nobody would know her. She truly was getting a fresh start.
It baffled me that I was a mother, something that I never thought would happen, but I welcomed it. I was still wrapping my head around it, though. Luckily, the family life had been a smooth adjustment for all of us and Jazzy was taking everything in stride.
Maddey still flew back and forth between home and Vegas so that he could tend to his business and casino. I enrolled Jazzy in school and she was having a bit of a hard time being back in that environment, but with the help of Jessica and her therapy sessions, I was seeing a lot of improvement with her.
She sat in the back seat, now, smiling to herself as she watched a Disney movie on her iPad. We had just come from therapy, it was our first family session, so Jessica flew out to do it in person, especially since it would be Maddey’s first session ever. Therapy was that one condition that I had for him that he so hastily agreed to that day at the hospital. He put it off for weeks, but I threatened to leave him if he didn’t come with us to this family session. There was a story to all of Maddey’s pent up anger and I knew it had to do with the way he grew up, but I also knew that it would take a lot more than just me trying to get him to sort through it all. He needed to take therapy seriously if he really wanted to be a family man and live this life that he had presented to me.
Today’s session had gone okay, I supposed. I glanced over at him as we pulled into the driveway of our mini mansion. Maddy bought this house for us soon after they moved here. He didn’t want to live in a house that Ryder owned, which was understandable. He wanted to be the one to provide a roof over his family’s heads.
He surprised me by opening up during our session, but I think that Jessica gave him a lot to think about and I was worried that he might lash out because he didn’t know how to properly place his emotions. I decided to get ahead of it and steal a moment alone with him before we entered into the house.
“Jazzy, baby, go ahead inside and start your homework. I will be in shortly to help.” I smiled at her in the rearview mirror.
“Okay, mama.” She climbed out of the car and headed into the house. I smiled to myself. Every time she called me any form of mom I was over the moon. She didn’t hesitate to start calling me my new name. Maddey wasn’t so lucky. It had taken her a few weeks to call him dad, but we decided that we would let it happen naturally. When she finally did say it, his smile was more genuine than I had ever seen it before. Maddey had a huge soft spot for Jazzy, she had him wrapped around her little finger.
I waited until she was safely in the house before turning to Maddey. I caressed the side of his face until his jaw stopped ticking. “Hey, talk to me. What’s on your mind, honey?”
He stayed silent, staring straight ahead, brooding. I knew him well enough to be patient. He would start talking when he was ready. Like clockwork he ran his hand down his face and glanced at me. “I don’t know, baby. This shit is just a lot. You know I didn’t want to go to fuckin therapy and talk to some white lady about my life, but once I got there, I felt like I had a lot of shit to get off my chest. I guess I’m just realizing how fucked up I am. How the fuck am I supposed to lead this family, Bel? I’m in no fuckin position to do this shit.”
He punched the steering wheel and I jumped a bit from his sudden outburst. I gave him a moment to calm down before I reached my hand back out and massaged his already swelling knuckles. “Maddey, you are more than capable of being a good boyfriend and a good father to Jazzy. Do you have a lot to work on? Of course, but so do I, baby. We can do this together.”
He sighed and looked over at me. His dark brown eyes bore into mine. It wasn’t his usual scowl, but instead, he looked lost. He and I had been working on our communication and letting our guards down the last few weeks. It’s allowed us to see sides of each other that we never knew existed. I always knew that Maddey had a soft spot for me and I was one of the very few people that could earn a genuine smile from him, but I never knew that underneath all the anger, was a man that was lost.
Jessica hit on some key points today and I knew that it would take him awhile to mull them over and sort through them. I gave Maddey a small smile, “hey, we will be alright. As long as we both continue to put effort in, we will be unstoppable. Believe that.”
I watched as some of the tension left his shoulders and he relaxed a bit back into the seat. “Aight, man, but can you hook up another session with Jessica? Just for me.”
I smiled brightly at this. “You got it, babe. Now let me get in here and help our daughter with her homework so I can make it to class on time. You can still drop me off, right?”
Poor Phillip was in the shop after breaking down the other day on my way home from class. “Yeah, man. I don’t know why you don’t let me just get you a new whip. We can go right now.” He grumbled as he got out of the car.
“Because I don’t want a new car. Phillip has been there with me through it all.”
“And who fucking names their car? That shit is weird, Bel.”
I smiled because I knew it would tick him off. “Lots of people, baby.”
I bopped his nose with the tip of my pointer finger as he opened the door to our home. He swatted me away and retreated into his mancave in the basement, grumbling about cars. I laughed and hung my coat up on the hooks next to the door. Our house was beautiful with the high ceilings and dark cherry wood floors. It had a rustic feel and the large windows provided a gorgeous view from our perch in the mountains. The remainder of the snow was slowly melting as the weather became warmer.
I made my way into the living room where the fireplace was lit and Jazzy lay sprawled out on the soft red rug with her homework. “How’s it going, Jazz?”
Her little face scrunched up as she glanced up at me and then focused back on the paper in front of her. “I hate math. Why can’t I just use my calculator? It’s right here on my phone.” She grumbled.
“Okay, Maddey Junior. We’ve already went through this. No calculators allowed. You need to learn to use that brain of yours up there.” I said as I plopped down on the floor next to her and ruffled her hair. “Let’s get this finished so mommy can go to class.”
Luckily, it was Friday, so class went by quickly since I only had one. I was hanging around the parking lot waiting for Maddey when I heard someone calling my name. I rolled my eyes and turned around. Cameron was running up to me with a smile on his face.
“Yo, where the fuck you been at, girl? I barely see you around anymore unless it’s in class, and you don’t event give a nigga the time of day!” He remarked once he finally reached me.
I shrugged, “I been busy, Cameron.”
“Well get unbusy tonight. I made reservations for us at this new restaurant and I’m not taking no for an answer,” he said as he reached out and touched my face.
I grimaced and took a step back while slapping his hand away. “No will have to be the answer. I have a man, I told you that already. Multiple times.” I reminded him.
Cameron’s whole demeanor changed. He stepped closer to me and grabbed me roughly by the arm. He held me up against him and talked directly in my face. “Do you think I give a fuck? I been working on yo pretty ass since school started, day one. You really think I’m going to let a new nigga come up in here and take what’s mine? Fuck no.”
“Let me go!” I screamed in his face as he glared down at me. Before he could respond, Cameron’s grip loosened on me and he was flung to the ground. Maddey stood over him as his jaw ticked and he opened and closed his hands into fists. His veins bulged as he looked at Cameron wildly.
“Aye, what the fuck, man!” Cameron yelled as he started to get up off the ground.
I glanced over at the car and noticed Jazzy in the backseat, wide eyed. I made a move to grab Madd
ey and steer him towards the car, but I was too late. Maddey was already hammering his fist into Cameron’s face. I looked around the parking lot and luckily nobody was around. I knew I had to get Maddey out of there before things got any worse.
I grabbed at his arms that were swinging wildly on Cameron, “baby, stop!”
There was no sign that he’d even heard me. He kept pummeling Cameron’s face and I was getting queezy at all of the blood. “Baby, please! You have to stop! Jazzy’s scared!”
I tried desperately to get his attention. He glanced over at me for a moment before focusing back on Cameron. He was now stomping him in the ribs, and I was terrified that he was going to kill Cameron. Before panic could fully set in, a small voice cried, “Daddy! Stop!”
Maddy stiffened and stopped his assault. Cameron was still conscious and breathing. Thank God. I did not need a repeat of the case that I had just gotten him out of. Cameron wasn’t worth that. I tugged on Maddey’s arm, but before he allowed me to pull him away, he bent down and told Cameron, “you’re lucky. The old me would have paralyzed you for touching what’s mine. I better not see your ass around no more. Drop out of all of Rebel’s classes, rearrange your schedule, do whatever the fuck you have to do in order to stay away from her. Be lucky I’m allowing you to still attend the same school as her. If I hear one peep about you or see you anywhere, I will kill you.”
He straightened up and took my hand. He led me back to the car where I climbed in the back with Jazzy so I could comfort her. We peeled off and I just made out Cameron slowly getting off the ground in the rearview mirror before we turned the corner and that was the last time, I ever saw Cameron Monsir.
Twenty-One