Heal With You (Trials of Fear Book 6)

by Nicky James

  “Bathroom is yours if you want a shower.”

  I didn’t move.

  “Finn?”

  “After the show. Keep dressing. Slowly. I’m just gonna drink all of you up first.”

  He chuckled and sauntered over, tight black briefs the only thing covering him. “See something you like?”

  “All of it. Everything.” He stopped beside the bed, fitting himself between my legs. I traced my nose along his navel, inhaling him as I clutched the back of his thighs, keeping him in place. “No more name games. I’m exhausted from it. Our boy—if it’s a boy—will have to remain nameless for a while longer.”

  Aven chuckled and tipped my head back, engulfing me in a heated kiss. It ended far too soon, and I whimpered and hooked my hands around his neck, trying to get him to stay.

  “Go shower, baby. We have all night. All weekend. If I start something now, we’ll miss dinner.”

  I sighed and pecked a final kiss on his lips. “Fine. I’m going.”

  We arrived at the restaurant just before five and got a seat for four. Arden and Iggy hadn’t arrived yet, so we ordered a bottle of wine to share while we waited.

  “Oh, I forgot to mention in the chaos of packing the other day. Mom called. She wants to have a small baby shower for us after the baby is born,” Aven said.

  “Really? Not with your family, though, right?”

  “Doubtful. She asked me to make up a list of friends who we’d like to invite.”

  Aven’s mother was a silent supporter of her son, his marriage to a man, and his decision to adopt and raise a baby as a gay couple. His sister and almost everyone else he was related to were appalled.

  “We can do that. Maggie will want to come, probably Harriet too.”

  They were both older women from the funeral home who’d been all-out gushing over the prospect of having a newborn baby around. They’d both already claimed grandmother status since my mother was long gone.

  “We’ll sit down with it once we’re home. Mom wants us to register places so people know what we need. She doesn’t seem to realize we have everything and then some.”

  The waitress showed up with our wine and filled our glasses, leaving a handful of menus on the table. I swished the burgundy liquid in the glass and sniffed it before taking a small taste. It was full-bodied, rich with fruity undertones and a smooth edge.

  “Did we go overboard? Is our baby spoiled already?” I asked.

  “Absolutely, and I regret nothing.”

  We clinked our glasses and shared a smile.

  Aven’s gaze slipped over my shoulder to the front of the restaurant. “They’re here.” He waved a hand to capture their attention.

  I glanced over my shoulder at our company. Arden waved back but didn’t smile. I’d learned that was just him. If he wanted to express his happiness, Arden’s eyes somehow lit up and smiled for him instead.

  They didn’t today.

  His body was rigid, and there was a significant gap between him and Iggy which didn’t normally exist. For the longest time, the pair had seemed stuck in that honeymoon phase of their relationship. Rainbows and butterflies extreme. Today, there was a clear divide.

  “Trouble in paradise?” Aven whispered, his wine glass covering his mouth.

  I turned back around and mumbled, “Looks like. Hope everything is okay.”

  “Hey,” Arden said when they got to the table. His enthusiasm was dampened as well.

  Iggy sat catty corner to Aven while Arden shimmied closer to me. They didn’t make eye contact with each other, and I dashed my gaze at Aven whose brow inched up.

  “Hi Iggy,” Aven said, extending his hand and shaking.

  “Hey. Good to see you guys again.”

  “You too,” I said, shaking his hand as well. “You guys all settled in your room? Did you register already?”

  “Yeah,” Arden said. “So, tomorrow afternoon. Scary. You nervous?”

  “Not bad. Got a lot on my mind. Haven’t given myself enough time to be nervous. You?”

  Arden shrugged and fidgeted with his napkin. “Little bit. I’m afraid they’ll ask questions I can’t answer, you know? Or stuff I don’t want to answer.”

  Arden was one of the youngest in our group after Anastasia. Getting up in front of a room full of professionals and admitting weaknesses wasn’t easy for any of us, but those two were finding it particularly hard.

  “You just answer what you can and decline answering anything you don’t feel comfortable talking about. We are entitled to limits and privacy.”

  “I know.” He squirmed and went to reach for Iggy’s hand then thought twice about it and folded them in his lap instead. “So, Bryn gave you a heart attack earlier, did she?”

  I chuckled and eyed Aven. “You could say that. We’re a little on edge and may have reacted somewhat frantically to a simple text.”

  “Somewhat frantically? I believe you almost took me out trying to find your phone,” Aven corrected.

  “All right, fine, we’re a little anxious. Excited.”

  Arden bit his lip and that shine I was used to seeing sparked to life in his blue eyes. “You said she sent a video?”

  “Yeah. Of the baby kicking. Here, let me show you.”

  I dug in my pocket for my phone just as the waitress returned to take our orders. I ordered the steak and baked potato, no veggies. Aven ordered a piece of vegetarian lasagna and a salad. Iggy chose the pan-fried salmon and mash, and Arden wrinkled his nose at the whole thing and asked for bottled water.

  Once she cleared our menus and left us alone, I opened the video and handed it to Arden. He watched it over and over like we had, the edge of his mouth fighting to rise into a smile.

  “Damn. That’s so cool.”

  “Your sister is pretty amazing.”

  “She is.”

  Arden handed me back the phone without even offering to show Iggy. Iggy tensed and shifted, his gaze roaming the restaurant as he tried to look unaffected.

  Something was definitely up.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Ireland

  The gym at the hotel was actually decent. After unloading our luggage into our room and registering for the conference, Raven and I had changed into our workout clothes and headed down to check it out.

  We’d just finished a thirty minute run on the treadmills, and Raven watched, mopping his sweaty brow while I loaded enough weights onto the free weight bar of the bench press.

  “Spot me.”

  I lay on the bench and peered up into Raven’s icy blue eyes. His onyx curls hung in front of his face, damp with sweat and ringed tighter than usual.

  “Ready when you are,” he said, positioning himself with his legs shoulder-width apart.

  I’d turned him into a gym buff since we’d met. It’d started with our morning runs and quickly became more.

  I lifted the bar, counting in my head while Raven counted out loud. The burn and strain on my muscles was intoxicating. Nothing eased my stress more than forcing my body to its limits. This conference had elevated those uncomfortable feelings inside, but I was determined not to let them overtake me and send me backward.

  Raven and I took turns working through sets. We bounced to a few machines and worked ourselves to exhaustion. As Raven wound up a final set on the leg press, my phone pinged from where I’d left it on top of our towels.

  I snagged it and squinted at the display as beads of sweat trickled down my forehead into my eyes.

  Erin: Please tell me you are in the building. I need you—or more specifically, I need your fiancé.

  I flinched and frowned at my phone. My hands were too slick to respond, so I grabbed the towel from the ground and wiped them off while I took a seat on an unused machine across from Raven.

  Ireland: What’s up? We’re in the gym.

  Erin: Major technical issues. Apparently this company Dr. Mann hired to take care of the audio setup sent a new hire who is completely clueless. He just left for dinner. Raven knows this stu
ff, right?

  Ireland: Probably. Do we have time to shower?

  Erin: It’d be better if he comes before this guy gets back.

  I chuckled and let her know we were on our way.

  “Hey, we’ve been summoned.”

  Raven ended his set and swung around to sit on the edge of the machine, swiping his hair off his face. “What’s that mean?”

  “Erin is asking if you can help her out.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. Apparently they are having technical issues with setup. The guy they hired isn’t too bright, and he ducked out for dinner after making a mess. Erin was hoping you’d slink in and save the day.”

  Raven laughed as I tossed him his towel. “I can take a look. Any more time here and I’ll be too tired for anything.”

  We ditched our towels and headed toward the conference room, both smelling heavily of man sweat. My shirt clung wet to my chest and back, and Raven didn’t look any better. We both wore tight gym shorts and would clash badly with any professionals who might be lingering in the room.

  Luckily, there were only three people when we arrived. Erin, Dr. Mann, Erin’s friend and old colleague who was now a resident of Alberta, and Adrian Anderson, the psychology student Erin had brought into her practice about a year ago to train and learn under her.

  “Oh, thank goodness,” Erin exclaimed when she saw us.

  Her heels clicked on the tiled floor as she rushed over. She wore a knee-length green shirt the same color as her eyes and a white blouse. Her strawberry blonde hair was tied in a low ponytail and hung over her left shoulder. For as frazzled as she sounded, she was still put together.

  She halted a few feet away, and her face pinched as she noted how ripe we both were.

  “Hey.” I laughed and pointed an accusing finger at her face. “I told you we needed to shower. You said there wasn’t time. So you get us as-is, gym-slick and all.”

  “I know. I know. Thank you for coming. Raven, please tell me you can help.”

  “I’ll see what I can do. Where is the problem?”

  Erin turned and waved at Dr. Mann. “Can you show him, Andrew?”

  “Of course.” He waved Raven over to the podium up front.

  There were dozens of cables running all over the room from speakers to the podium to some confusing board sitting on the floor off to the side. She wasn’t kidding. It looked extremely disorderly. Folding chairs and tables were stacked along one wall. The only thing that seemed to be in order were the few tables that contained panel boards and a large screen centered up front.

  “Have you guys been at this all day?”

  Erin blew her bangs from her eyes. “We have, and we aren’t even close to ready. We’ll be here all night at this rate.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  “Ireland, you don’t—”

  “Let me help. Give me a direction. I can be the muscles at least.”

  She scanned the room looking lost before nodding. “Okay. Thank you. Can you set up the tables and chairs? There doesn’t have to be a specific order, but can we put the bigger tables near the front of the room?”

  “On it.”

  Before I could set to the task, Erin called my name again.

  “Dinner is on me tonight. No arguing. I appreciate this more than you know.”

  “Anytime.” I gave her a soft smile and wink before loading my arms with chairs and setting them out.

  Erin and I crossed the line between friends and professionals way more than we should. It didn’t help that we both worked at the hospital or that we’d known each other for close to seven years. It was hard to be her patient sometimes, but the idea of finding a new psychiatrist didn’t sit right either. No one knew me better than Erin.

  Whatever technical issue they were having seemed to be a no-brainer for Raven. He rewired and fiddled with settings on their soundboard until everyone was happy. By the time he was finished, I was nearly done with the tables and chairs, and he gave me a hand with the remaining few.

  Adrian and Erin were in deep conversation with Dr. Mann when we finished. I caught her attention and motioned that we were leaving to shower. She broke away from the other two men and raced over.

  “Dinner. We’re about done. Finally. Thanks to you guys. Do you want to meet at the restaurant here in about forty-five minutes?”

  “Yeah. Perfect. Worked up an appetite for sure.”

  “Thank you so much for your help. Really.”

  “Not a problem,” Raven added.

  We headed back to our room, both in desperate need of a shower.

  “Join me?” Raven asked as he stripped outside the bathroom door. The heat in his eyes was unmistakable, and I couldn’t help following the lines of flesh as they were exposed. Dark hair covered his legs, thighs, and chest. He’d always been trim and strong—thanks to his job—but since we’d taken to working out more, he carried more definition.

  “Sure. Be there in a sec.”

  He disappeared into the bathroom, giving me a fine view of his ass, and a moment later, I heard the water running. I stared at the partially open door, rotating thoughts around my head. Gearing up for the one major goal I’d set for this trip.

  I’d been doing well for over a year. Barely a significant setback in months. Our connection had grown by leaps and bounds, and our intimacy was exponentially better than it’d ever been. Raven’s hands on me no longer spiked my adrenaline. I didn’t need to work myself through calming exercises just to be okay with our contact. With little to no warning, I could accept his kisses and gentle touches. We snuggled together on the couch at times, lay close in bed with our legs intertwined. He pleased me with his mouth, his hands, and on a few occasions, his entire body when we ground and rutted together until completion.

  But we’d never taken that last step.

  Raven had told me a million times, it wasn’t important. What we had was special. So it had somehow become a non-discussed topic. Shifted to the back burner.

  Something we simply didn’t do.

  Raven had made it clear, penetrative sex was not the bottom line and what we had was perfect for us.

  But I wanted it.

  I wanted it more than I could express.

  And I was ready. In fact, I thought I’d probably been ready for a long time but didn’t know how to bring it up.

  Raven was all top. He expressed long ago he didn’t find any pleasure in bottoming. Which was fine. I respected that. Until now, I didn’t think it was something I could do either. The idea of relinquishing that kind of control had always made me squirm.

  It didn’t anymore. In fact, I was certain I could do it.

  I wanted to do it.

  More than anything.

  I’d thought about it non-stop for months.

  All I needed to do was tell him. Take that step. Cross that line.

  My skin buzzed at the thought—but it wasn’t a negative sensation. It was pleasure and want.

  Need.

  “Water’s gonna get cold,” Raven called. “You coming?”

  I snapped out of my thoughts and ditched my clothes. A half an hour before we had to run out for dinner was not the time to bring this up.

  Later.

  * * *

  Erin met us in the lobby with Dr. Mann.

  “Here they are,” she said when she saw us. “Proper introductions now. Ireland, Raven, this is Andrew. Andrew, our saviors from earlier, Ireland and his fiancé, Raven.”

  “Nice to meet you.”

  Andrew shook our hands respectively, and I managed to avoid flinching or retracting too soon.

  He was easily in his mid-fifties. His once black hair had turned silver and thinned. His brown skin was heavily creased near his eyes and around his mouth, and he had many age spots showing. He was tall and held himself with an aura of professionalism.

  “Erin tells me you’re a long-time patient turned friend.”

  I smiled and shrugged. “We dance that line a bit. We’ve talked ab
out it.”

  “I’m not here to judge. I’m sure if Erin saw it affecting your therapy she’d take appropriate measures.”

  “Andrew has no opinion on the matter. How’s Suzie?” she asked him.

  He grinned knowingly, and I got the sense Dr. Mann knew all about crossing lines. “She’s well. Visiting our daughter and grandchildren this weekend.”

  Erin nudged his shoulder good-naturedly. “So, shall we?”

  We aimed for the restaurant. As we approached, I noticed Iggy sitting alone on a bench near a little windowed alcove looking out at the encroaching night. There was something in his posture that caught my attention, and I paused.

  “Can you guys give me a sec?” To Raven, I said, “Order me a rye and diet, please?”

  “Yeah, no problem.” He followed my gaze and understood.

  “I won’t be long.”

  I let them go find seats and get drinks while I approached a somber-looking Iggy. I’d known him for a while, but we’d only recently become friends. He was a quiet guy, but he wore his emotions on his sleeve. His pain and heartache were drowning him.

  “You look like your cat died,” I said to draw his attention.

  His gaze snapped from the window, and he tried to smile but failed miserably. “Hey.” He peered behind me, probably checking to see if I’d brought company. “What’s up?”

  Thumbing over my shoulder toward the restaurant, I said, “Just heading in for dinner. Saw you over here. Everything okay? You look a little lost.”

  I sat in the only other chair beside the window and rested my elbows on my knees, studying him. Iggy blew out a breath and slumped forward, copying my posture.

  “Not lost. Arden’s mad at me. I have a really big decision to make, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Need to hash it out? Say it out loud? Sometimes that helps.”

  Iggy dropped his chin and rubbed a brisk hand over his nearly shaved head. “Arden got an amazing job offer in Toronto. It’s exactly what he wants to do. It’s huge. Dream job huge and they keep sweetening the deal because he keeps hesitating. But they’re done waiting and need an answer.”

  “And is he taking it?”

  “I know he wants to. And he should. He’d be stupid not to. But…”