by Sean Covey
I remember reading a sermon from the Lake Street Church of Evanston that beautifully illustrates this point.
I was recently reminded of a story the late senator Paul Simon was fond of telling…Every time he told it, it choked him up and brought tears to his eyes. It is the story of a Special Olympics over which he officially presided. The time came for the footrace. All the runners assembled at the starting line. Each one had a particular disability. The gun sounded and the racers sprinted.
About a third of the way through the course, one of the runners fell. The crowd gasped. But, amazingly, with utter spontaneity, the rest of the runners stopped in their tracks. They stopped and looked back at the one who had fallen. One by one they turned around and slowly made their way back to help the fallen runner. They pulled him to his feet and the race continued with everyone running arm in arm to the finish line. They all finished the race together. All of those runners could see themselves in the one who fell.
Although there is a place for healthy competition, like in sports and business, life is not a competition, especially when it comes to relationships. Think how silly it is to say, “So, who’s winning in your relationship, you or your mom?” In relationships, if you’re not both winning, in the end you’ll both end up losing.
When it comes to making important decisions around choosing good friends, dating intelligently, and getting along with your parents, a Win-Win spirit is a must.
HABIT 5 SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
For Habit 5, remember a big ear.
Most people don’t listen very well and, as a result, one of the great frustrations in life is that we don’t feel understood. No one seems to really understand our problems, our pain, our wishes, our unique situation.
Many Native Americans use a solution to this problem that’s been around for centuries. It’s called the Talking Stick. Whenever people meet together, the Talking Stick is there. Only the person holding the Talking Stick is permitted to speak. As long as you have the Talking Stick, you alone may speak, until you feel that everyone understands you. As soon as you feel understood, it’s your duty to pass it on to someone else so that they too can feel understood. The Talking Stick, you see, ensures that everyone truly listens.
Wouldn’t it be great to have the Talking Stick when you’re trying to share your feelings with your parents? They wouldn’t be allowed to speak until you felt completely understood. Imagine that!
The single most important communication skill you can ever learn is how to listen. Real listening doesn’t mean you’re just silent, it means that you’re actively trying to understand another human being. Often we get into trouble because we jump to conclusions without understanding all the details, as this poem written by a teen named Logan illustrates.
The other day I saw my girl walking with some other man
They were walking and giggling and having a time
And I saw she was holding his hand!
I stood back and spied, my eyes filled with tears
As I watched this foul display
Some overly cheerful bicep with legs
Was taking my baby away!
As I spied over Dumpsters with feelings of hate
I saw them in a close embrace! Now I’m broken-hearted
’Cause before they parted, I saw her kiss his face.
That ended my garbage-can espionage
I thought I had seen quite enough
I decided to confront that devilish girl
Who I had once called my true love.
So I typed up an e-mail to that wicked female
And gave her a piece of my mind.
But I won’t say what I said, in case there’s kids present
But I will say my words were unkind.
I said it was the end, and right when I clicked send
I heard my telephone ring.
I picked up the receiver and couldn’t believe her
It was my little ex…thing.
She said “Sorry, babe, that I haven’t seen you all day
But my older brother’s in town!
Did I ever tell you that he is a boxer
And one of the biggest around?!
“He’d like to meet you but he’s quite protective
So behave whatever you do,
I’ll just check my e-mail and then we’ll come by
And…oh look! Here’s an e-mail from you.”
Healthy relationships with friends and parents are built on a foundation of good listening and withholding judgment. We’ll take a closer look at how to better do that in the chapters ahead.
HABIT 6 SYNERGIZE
For Habit 6, visualize four interlocking arms.
Synergy is achieved when two or more people work together to create something better than either could alone. It’s not your way or my way but a better way, a higher way. Life is like four interlocking arms that form a circle. Each arm brings different strengths to the party and together they are stronger than any single arm alone. Builders know all about this. They know that one 2 x 4 beam can support 607 pounds, but two 2 x 4s nailed together can support not just 1,214 pounds (which is what you’d expect), but a whopping 4,878 pounds! So it is with us. We can do so much more together than we can alone.
Each of us is different, in background, race, and culture, in how we look, think, and talk, and on and on. And the key to synergy lies in appreciating these differences instead of being scared by them. A popular fable, “The Animal School,” by George H. Reavis, illustrates why we should value differences and not lump everyone into the same mold.
Once upon a time, the animals…organized a school. They adopted an activity curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming, and flying…
The duck was excellent in swimming, better in fact than his instructor, and made excellent grades in flying, but he was very poor in running. Since he was low in running, he had to stay after school and also drop swimming to practice running…
The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but had a nervous breakdown because of so much makeup in swimming.
The squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustrations in the flying class where his teacher made him start from the ground up instead of from the treetop down…
The eagle was a problem child and had to be disciplined severely. In climbing class he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way of getting there.
At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly well and also could run, climb, and fly a little had the highest average and was valedictorian.
Appreciate the fact that you may be an eagle, your friend may be a duck, your sister may be a rabbit, and your mom may be a squirrel. You all have different strengths and weaknesses and that’s the beauty of it. Can you see how silly it is to compare an eagle with a squirrel and say, “Which one is better?” Likewise, can you see how nonsensical it is to compare yourself with someone at school and think, “I’m better than her,” or “I’m not as good as he is”? No one is better or worse than anyone else, just different. You’re okay; they’re okay.
Valuing differences is one of the great secrets to a happy life. It’s also a vital ingredient for learning to get along with your parents, as you’ll soon discover.
HABIT 7 SHARPEN THE SAW
For Habit 7, picture a saw.
A lumberjack should never get too busy sawing to take time to sharpen his saw. Likewise, we should never get too busy living to take time to renew ourselves. We are made up of a heart, body, mind, and soul. Each needs time and attention.
As English author Rumer Godden wrote, citing an Indian proverb:
“Everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, a mental, an emotional, and a spiritual . . . unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.”
Chris, a teenage college student, put it this way:
In your teenage years, sometimes it is rea
lly hard to see the value and the benefit of sharpening the saw. But I know that sharpening the saw is important, so here’s what I’m trying to do:
Social/emotional is kind of hard for me but one thing I have done to get to know people (because I’m not really outgoing) is to create a webpage for my dorm floor. I’ve taken pictures of everybody and I learn a little bit about them. I think I’ve doubled the number of people I know on our floor as result of that.
Physically, I’m taking a health class—I run three times a week and I lift weights twice a week.
Mentally, college is great for sharpening the saw. We have some really great intellectual conversations. And we’re always learning and changing. That’s why you go to college.
And spiritually, that’s something that needs to be developed a little bit. I know I need more balance.
Often, we feel guilty when we take time for ourselves because we’re taught to think of others first. Don’t allow yourself to feel this way. When it comes to sharpening your saw, it’s okay to be a little selfish. I promise I won’t tell.
So there you have them in a nutshell: the 7 Habits of highly effective teens. They will be of great use to you as you make these six crucial decisions. I hope you never underestimate the power of habits in your life to make you or break you. Remember, “Bad habits are like a comfortable bed: easy to get into but hard to get out of.” On the other hand, once they’re in place, good habits are just as hard to break as bad ones.
A WORD ABOUT COVEY CLASSICS
I love movies. So does my family. As you continue reading the book, you’ll notice that I can’t get too far without bringing up a movie. My family’s weird because we’ll pick a few movies we like and then we’ll watch them so many times that we can’t talk to each other without quoting one-liners from them. People think we’re psycho! We call these movies Covey Classics. Many of them really aren’t that good. We just like them. Just for fun, I’ve listed all of them in the back of the book (page 328).
COMING ATTRACTIONS
If you’re curious to know what the 7 Secrets to getting good grades are, just keep reading. You’ll find out soon enough.
BACK TO OUR CHART
On this page is the same chart you did before; however, this time I’ve divided up the box into nine equal squares. To find the numbers, just follow the pattern below. In other words, the first number is in box 1, the next number is in box 2, the next number is in box 3, the next number is in box 4, and so on up until box 9. Then go to box 1 again and repeat the same pattern.
Time yourself again for 1½ minutes and see how far you get this time. When you’re finished, go back to page 16. Are you ready? On your mark, get set, go…
* * *
* For help building your own mission statement, go to www.6decisions.com.
Napoleon: Well, nobody’s going to go out with me.
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon: No, but who would? I don’t even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon: You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
—Napoleon Dynamite
There were three things I didn’t like about high school—homework, homework, and homework. In that order. But there was one thing I did like—poetry. I had several friends that got into poetry, too. We’d write stupid poems and share them with each other to see who could come up with the dumbest of all.
My best candidate for the all-time dumbest list was written when I was about 16. It was New Year’s Day. I’d been watching football games on TV with my brothers, David and Stephen. Lounging on the couch, we’d snarfed down a mountain of junk food—pizza, nachos, soda, and all other things unhealthy—and I had a whopping headache. Late in the day we dozed off. I later woke to a strange sensation. I looked, and to my horror, saw my calf stuck to Stephen’s. We both were wearing shorts, you see, and our calves were kind of glued together by a thin film of sweat. Sick! I later captured the spirit of the moment in this poem:
FAT AND WARM
Feeling as if I were dead,
Rolling thunder in my head.
Pizza, machos, doughnuts too,
Bulging shirts, and smelly shoes.
Suddenly, sickly comes a storm,
Your leg touches mine . . .
It’s fat and warm.
I entered a few writing contests while in school and, based on my poem, I’ll bet you’re not surprised I never won a thing. But I did discover that I had a passion for language. And this discovery helped me decide what to study in college and what to do when I grew up.
This brings me to the first most important decision you’ll ever make. What are you going to do about school, about your education? Why is this one of the 6 Most Important Decisions? It’s simple. What you do about school during your teen years will probably determine how well you live the next fifty.
(By the way, on the previous page is a list of the top 10 things you oughta know about school. These are snippets of advice that I gathered from mostly older teens around the world. Each chapter has one. I thought you might enjoy them.)
Like all the other key decisions, it is a fork in the road decision.
You can take the high road—stay in school, do your best at it, and prepare for college and a career. Or you can take the low road—drop out of school, stay in but loaf, and fail to prepare. The choice is yours.
Since there are a bunch of important things to discuss in this chapter, I’ve split it into four sections.
The first section, Sticking It Out, is written to those of you who are thinking about dropping out of high school. Yes—I’m going to try to talk you out of it. In Surviving and Thriving, we’ll talk about how to stay motivated, do well, and cope with all the stresses and everyday ups and downs that accompany school. Off to College will focus on how to prepare, get into, and pay for the college of your choice. Finally, in Finding Your Voice, we’ll chat about what you want to be when you grow up.
SCHOOL CHECKUP!
Before going any further, take this 10-question checkup. It will help you figure out which path you’re taking. So be very honest. Each of the chapters has a similar checkup.
CIRCLE YOUR CHOICE
NO
WAY
HECK
YES!
1.
I am planning on finishing high school.
1
2
3
4
5
2.
I am planning on getting more education after high school.
1
2
3
4
5
3.
I believe that a good education is essential to my future.
1
2
3
4
5
4.
I am working hard at school.
1
2
3
4
5
5.
I am getting good grades.
1
2
3
4
5
6.
I am involved in extracurricular activities at school.
1
2
3
4
5
7.
I am keeping up with my homework.
1
2
3
4
5
8.
I am keeping my stress levels in check.
1
2
3
4
5
9.
I am able to balance school with everything else I’m doing.
1
2
3
4
5
10.
I spend time thinking about and exploring what I want to be when I grow up.
&nb
sp; 1
2
3
4
5
TOTAL
Each of the above questions is worth 5 points, for a total of 50 points. Add up your score and see how you’re doing. Remember, this is not a test. It won’t be graded. It’s simply a self-evaluation, to help you assess the choices you’re currently making. So, don’t get all hung up about your score.
You’re on the high road. Keep it up!
You’re straddling the high and low roads. Move to higher ground!
You’re on the low road. Pay special attention to this chapter.
Sticking lt Out
Many years ago, the psychologist Walter Mischel conducted an experiment at a preschool on the Stanford University campus. He gathered a group of four-year-old kids around a table with an assortment of marshmallows in the middle. Mischel told them he had to leave the room for a few minutes. If they could wait until he got back, he would give them two marshmallows. If they couldn’t wait, then they could have one marshmallow right then. One marshmallow right now, or two later. That was the deal. He then left the room.
• A few of the kids couldn’t resist and ate a marshmallow the second he left.
• Some lasted for a few minutes before they gave in.
• Others smelled their marshmallows.
• One kid even began licking his.
• A few kids were determined to resist the temptation and wait. So they covered their eyes, put their heads down, sang to themselves, played games, hid in the corner, or even tried to fall asleep.
When Mischel returned, he gave those who held out their well-earned two marshmallows.