The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens

by Sean Covey

  Get Clear on Your Goals

  It’s so much easier to say no to peer pressure if you’re clear on your goals. Once I was talking to some students and asked if anyone would volunteer to share their goals. A high school sophomore named Kameron came up to the front.

  I was expecting him to rattle off a few goals he hadn’t really thought about, as usually happens. Instead, he pulled out his wallet, took out a laminated card, and read his goals to the group.

  • Get and maintain a 3.7 GPA.

  • Get BFS (bigger, faster, stronger). By senior year, weigh 200 pounds, run a 4.6 forty, bench press 200 pounds eight times.

  • Be one of 22 starters on the varsity football team by senior year. Contribute to winning the state championship.

  • Be a good brother and example to my three little brothers.

  Everyone was impressed and thinking, “Wow! Maybe I should get some real goals, too.” With specific goals like that, can you see how much easier it will be for Kameron to resist negative peer pressure? Can you see how much easier it will be for him to study hard in school, stay in good shape, and treat his brothers with respect, despite outside pressures to do otherwise?

  Begin with the end in mind and get clear about what you want. If you haven’t done so, write down a few goals or develop a personal mission statement. Laney Oswald says that her simple mission statement helps her live true to her values and say no to things she doesn’t want to do.

  My Mission Statement

  • BE HONEST.

  • DO WHAT’S RIGHT.

  • BE KIND TO EVERYONE.

  • AND ALWAYS REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR.

  • TRY YOUR HARDEST.

  • GIVE EVERYTHING YOUR ALL.

  • HAVE FUN.

  Win the Daily Private Victory

  You can win the public challenges you face each day long before they hit you, in the privacy of your own room. Just try this simple 20-minute, three-step routine each morning or evening. I call it the Daily Private Victory.

  • Get in touch with yourself through writing in your journal, reading inspiring literature, praying, meditating, or doing whatever inspires you and increases your self-awareness.

  • Review your goals, ambitions, or mission statement.

  • Visualize the challenges you will face in the upcoming day. Decide now how you will handle them.

  I do it most mornings and it takes me about 20 minutes. It grounds me so I can resist peer pressure (adults have it too) and prepares me for a successful day. When the challenges come, I’ve already won.

  A STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM

  After preparation, the next step in shielding yourself from peer pressure is building a strong support system. Surround yourself with friends, family members, and trusted adults that inspire you to be your best. Set goals with each other, and hold each other accountable. Get involved in extracurricular activities as well. They make great support structures. If you’re playing on a sports team or acting in a school play, you won’t have time to get into trouble. Trouble usually happens when you’ve got nothing to do.

  See how these five boys from Memphis, Tennessee, built their own positive support system.

  When Ahmaad, Derron, Victor, Tyrone, and Tyjuan were in junior high, they looked around and saw that most kids they knew were not succeeding and often got into trouble with the law. Others used drugs and alcohol and worked late-night shifts in low-paying jobs with little chance for a better future because they had dropped out of school. They realized they were headed down the same path.

  They often talked about wanting more from life and asked themselves questions like: What makes a champion or a drug dealer? What does it take to get a good job? They decided they wanted to break away from the racial stereotype and succeed. Instead of working night shifts, they wanted to be the guys behind the desks wearing suits and ties approving people for loans or working in other respectable businesses.

  During a get-together one day, these five friends made a pact with each other. First, they agreed to get good enough grades to go to college. Second, they agreed not to use drugs. Third, they agreed they would not drink alcohol. Victor had seen abuse in his family because of drinking and wanted none of it.

  The results of this pact on these boys’ lives was extraordinary.

  As a freshman, Ahmaad made the varsity football team and received a lot of attention from the seniors who invited him to hang out. Worried that Ahmaad might adopt the bad habits of these much older boys, Ahmaad’s four close friends came to him and said, “We’re your boys, Ahmaad. You don’t have any business hanging out with seniors.”

  At first, Ahmaad was angry at them for butting into his life, because he was flattered by all the attention the seniors gave him. But he knew his friends were right, and from then on, he stuck with them.

  Once, he traveled to St. Louis for a game with some older boys who brought a stripper to their room without telling him. Ahmaad immediately jumped up and said, “I’m outta here.” The boys were mad and threw him down on the bed. Ahmaad got into a big fight before he was able to get out.

  Ahmaad continued to excel in football and received a scholarship to play for the University of Alabama. He was one of five finalists for the coveted Doak Walker Award given to the best running back in the nation until he blew out his knee. Most people thought he’d never play again, but through hard work and lots of rehab Ahmaad finally was drafted by the NFL. He is now working in a law firm.

  Derron and Tyjuan also became great athletes and stars on their high school’s basketball team. They both received scholarships to Fisk University, where they were roommates. Derron was playing well until his mother was diagnosed with cancer. He immediately quit the team and flew back to take care of her and his younger brother. Before his mother died, he promised her that he would finish college and raise his fourteen-year-old brother, both of which he accomplished. He has no regrets about his decision.

  Tyjuan graduated from college and teaches children with special needs and coaches high school basketball now. He and Derron have remained very close friends and often vacation together.

  Victor did well in high school, graduated from college, and became a teacher in California, where he is now helping kids from all walks of life to succeed in the midst of challenges.

  Tyrone was also a very successful athlete and currently plays in the NFL. Although he has yet to finish college, he is committed to completing his degree.

  Against great odds, all five of these friends created great lives for themselves, and all but one of them has graduated from college. They are professionals and wear suits and ties when they feel like it. Looking back on their experiences together, Ahmaad said:

  “Friends are extremely important, especially if you agree on certain values and you’re accountable to each other. We talk openly all the time. Sometimes we don’t always feel the same about everything, but we help each other make good choices, even if they’re not popular choices. We all want to help each other succeed. It’s our support system. We’re kind of a check and balance on each other.”

  American poet Edwin Markham wrote:

  The Gang Thang

  All too often, teens who don’t have a strong support system join a gang. It is a kind of support system, after all. Just not the kind you want. Once you’re in a gang, the peer pressure is immense. A Tongan named Haloti Moala told me what life is like in a gang.

  Haloti grew up in Tonga, one of nine children. His parents knew that if they wanted their kids to have a future they had to get out of Tonga where there was little opportunity for education and high unemployment. After saving money for nine years trapping fish, Haloti’s father moved his family to California, where he believed his dreams for his kids could come true.

  Haloti recalls: “I remember running hard after the bus to take me to my English class and crying bitterly after missing it. I knew, even at age six, that learning the language and getting an education was vital to my success in my ne
w home.”

  Haloti’s family lived in Lennox, the ghetto of Englewood. The streets and schools were rough and it wasn’t long before Haloti joined a gang.

  Looking back, I realized my gang activity consumed me down to the clothes I wore, who I hung out with, the illegal activities I pursued, and what I valued every day. We didn’t care about anyone but ourselves, and spent our time stealing, fighting, and causing trouble. My parents had no idea what we were doing because they were too busy working. I used to think they didn’t support me in anything, but now I realize they were supporting me in the only way they knew how.

  Although Haloti didn’t use drugs, as an eighth grader he began selling them to make money and stay in the gang. That’s when everything changed.

  I was doing a drug deal with a friend when some guys drove up and started yelling about some bad drugs I had sold them earlier. Without warning, someone in the car shot my friend and they drove away. I watched my best friend bleed and die right in the road.

  I couldn’t believe what had just happened. The closest person in the world to me had just died. If the bullet had veered an inch or two it would have been me. I knew it was only a matter of time before I would end up dead.

  By the time the police came they put it down as a drive-by shooting. I knew better. It was the drugs, the gangs and one bad choice after another that killed my friend. From then on, I didn’t try to stay away from drugs and gangs; I stopped cold turkey. I realized you are who you hang out with, and I didn’t want a part of any of the stealing, lying, and violent lifestyle anymore.

  About this same time, Haloti moved in with his sister and his brother-in-law, who became mentors for Haloti and channeled him toward school and sports. They became his new support system. “Although I stopped hanging out with gang members, it took a while to get the gang mentality out of me, and I still got in fights.”

  After graduating from high school, Haloti went to the University of Utah where he played football, earned a college degree, and met his wife. Two decades later, Haloti is raising kids of his own and fulfilling his parents’ dream. Unfortunately, a few of Haloti’s brothers never escaped the gang life and are still in and out of prisons.

  “I was fortunate,” says Haloti. “The day my friend died I woke up and got out of a life that would have destroyed me.”

  If you’re thinking about joining a gang, think again. If you’re in a gang, get out, while you still can. Follow your gut. If it’s telling you things aren’t right with your group of friends, stop hanging out with them! You’re better off having no support system at all than having the wrong kind.

  This poem, written by teenager Jonathon Maldonado, exposes the brutal reality of gang life.

  “Ten bald headed guys standing on the street corner

  Smoke rising, eyes red, closed, seeing all in slow motion.

  Throwing a party, bustin’ a keg, confused, going nuts

  Yelling, having a blast screaming, ‘A que ponerlos borachos!’

  Kick back at Isauul’s canton, no school, but partying

  With chicas, ‘Que estan my chulas!’

  Cruising on the dark highway, sneaking out with blue spray cans

  Ready to landmark.

  All this — all my homeboys will cause chaos.

  Looks cool now. Later, a ticket to jail.”

  Here are four red flags that suggest that you may need a new group of friends.

  1. You have to change your clothes, language, friends, or standards in order to keep your friends.

  2. You’re doing stuff you don’t feel good about, like stealing, fighting, or doing drugs.

  3. You feel like you’re being used.

  4. Your life feels out of control.

  COURAGE IN THE MOMENT

  No matter how well you prepare or how strong your support system is, you will face tough moments of peer pressure that you can never predict. You won’t even have time to think, but must show courage in the moment.

  Kourtney, a sophomore, was walking home from Skyline High School and came across a big group of kids standing in the middle of the road. As she got closer, she recognized a younger boy in her neighborhood named John. He looked terrified as he was being taunted by several older boys and being shoved back and forth among them. Forgetting that she was younger than the boys, and a girl at that, Kourtney pushed through the crowd and confronted the bullies.

  “Hey, what are you doing to John?” she demanded. “What a bunch of sissies you are! What is it, ten to one? Leave him alone, and get out of here! Go on! I mean it!”

  Surprisingly, after a few moments of silence, and with a few choice words spoken under their breath, the bullies slowly backed off. After about a minute they all left, one by one. John, who was visibly relieved, muttered “Thanks” and quickly ran home.

  John called Kourtney that night and told her he didn’t know what he would have done if she hadn’t stepped in. With emotion in his voice he said, “I didn’t know you even knew my name.”

  Looking back, Kourtney confessed, “I don’t know what I would have done if they had refused to leave. But it just wasn’t right. They knew it, too, and I called them on it.”

  In our tough moments, I hope we too can show courage like Kourtney.

  BE A FRIEND ANYWAY

  We’ve talked a lot about friends; how to choose them, how to make them, and how to be one. I encourage you to choose the high road. Choose friends that lift you, be a true friend yourself, and stand up to peer pressure. Be careful not to center your life on your friends. If you don’t have enough friends, just follow the essentials of making good friends, and as surely as night follows day, they will come.

  If you’ve made lots of bad friend decisions in the past, don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it. You can make better decisions starting now.

  One of the most amazing people of our time was Mother Teresa, a small, frail woman who devoted her life to helping the poor and the sick in impoverished countries. Her influence, beginning in the slums of Calcutta, India, now extends around the world. She owned no possessions, had no titles, and sought no fame. Yet she became an inspiration to millions. On a wall in her home in Calcutta was this beautiful poem, a version of “The Paradoxical Commandments” by Kent Keith. I like to think of it as rules to live by when it comes to friends.

  PEOPLE ARE OFTEN UNREASONABLE, ILLOGICAL, AND SELF-CENTERED.

  LOVE THEM ANYWAY.

  IF YOU DO GOOD, PEOPLE WILL ACCUSE YOU OF SELFISH ULTERIOR MOTIVES.

  DO GOOD ANYWAY.

  IF YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL, YOU WILL WIN FALSE FRIENDS AND TRUE ENEMIES.

  SUCCEED ANYWAY.

  THE GOOD YOU DO TODAY WILL BE FORGOTTEN TOMORROW.

  DO GOOD ANYWAY.

  HONESTY AND FRANKNESS MAKE YOU VULNERABLE.

  BE HONEST AND FRANK ANYWAY.

  THE BIGGEST MEN WITH THE BIGGEST IDEAS CAN BE SHOT DOWN BY THE SMALLEST MEN WITH THE SMALLEST MINDS.

  THINK BIG ANYWAY.

  PEOPLE FAVOR UNDERDOGS BUT FOLLOW ONLY TOP DOGS.

  FIGHT FOR A FEW UNDERDOGS ANYWAY.

  WHAT YOU SPEND YEARS BUILDING MAY BE DESTROYED OVERNIGHT.

  BUILD ANYWAY.

  PEOPLE REALLY NEED HELP BUT MAY ATTACK YOU IF YOU HELP THEM.

  HELP PEOPLE ANYWAY.

  GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU HAVE AND YOU’LL GET KICKED IN THE TEETH.

  GIVE THE WORLD THE BEST YOU HAVE ANYWAY.

  COMING ATTRACTIONS

  Coming up, learn about the mysterious phoenix. You’ll never look at a bird the same way again.

  1. Be nice to everyone for one whole day. No bullying, gossiping, ignoring, excluding, hitting, scoffing, criticizing, sneering, sulking, snickering, or backbiting allowed. Sign your name and date only after you do it perfectly.

  Signature

  * * *

  Date

  * * *

  2. In the center of the diagram, write down your life center. Consider the following possible centers: friends, school, popularity, work, fu
n, sports, hobbies, enemies, heroes, self, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith, or something else. Consider the impact of that center on your life.

  3. Write down a deposit you can make into one of your friends’ RBA.

  Friend:

  * * *

  Deposit I can make:

  * * *

  4. What are the top three things you could change that would make you a more likable friend?

  * * *

  * * *

  * * *

  5. Is there someone who’s been trying to break into your group of friends? If so, open your heart and let them in.

  Person trying to break in:

  * * *

  What I can do to open my heart:

  * * *

  6. Memorize this quote by George Eliot: “What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?”

  7. Think of a friend who may have offended you recently. Sometime this week, shock them by treating unkindness with kindness.

  8. If there’s someone you constantly find yourself competing with or comparing yourself to, tap your heels together three times while repeating aloud: “I will stop competing with and comparing myself to”:

  * * *

  9. Do you have a friend or group of friends that are bringing you down? If so, figure out how you can exit the relationship or group.

  My exit plan:

  * * *

  10. Make a list of five things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure: