Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series)

by Laura Ashley Gallagher

  “Geo’s.”

  “The new place?”

  “Money isn’t an object in her family, and she’s their only daughter. They want to celebrate,” he explains, crossing his arms. “And,” he continues, a cheeky smile playing on his lips.

  “Yes, Garry?”

  “There might be a certain bachelor in attendance.”

  I hope he doesn’t notice my cheeks flush, and the rush of heat in my tummy surprises me.

  “And?” I shake my head as if the thought of Alex being at the party doesn’t bother me.

  And why would it?

  But goddamn it, it bothers me to no end. It bothers me too much. Every inch of my skin tingles, and I’m already planning my outfit in my head. Something sexy but not slutty. Elegant but not too refined.

  What is happening to me?

  My heart is racing deep in my chest. If this is how a mention of him makes me react, I want to tell Garry I can’t make the party.

  “Don’t give me that.” He huffs. “I saw the way you two were around each other. All nervous and sexual tension.”

  “Oh, stop it, Garry.” I raise my palms to my cheeks, hiding the furious blush. “I wouldn’t know sexual tension if it hit me in the face.”

  “Bullshit,” he hits back. “You may be practically a virgin again, but you’re not dead, Mandy.”

  My mouth drops open. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. He’s right, of course.

  “You know who else is not dead? Alex. And he looks at you like he hasn’t eaten in weeks and you’re the best meal ever served.”

  “Garry,” I gasp.

  “It’s true. What’s holding you back, Mandy? It’s been over six years. You can’t hold on to Nick forever.”

  The mention of his name drops me straight back to reality, and my heart twists. I know I can’t hold on to Nick forever, and truthfully, bit by bit, I’m letting go. I just can’t get far enough to be comfortable feeling things for another man. I know it’s stupid, and no one would judge me if I did, but my emotions are too caught up in him, my mind too clouded in his memory.

  Wouldn’t it be unfair to bring someone into that? What if I got so far into a relationship and realized, I can’t go any further? I don’t want to string anyone along.

  And what about when I have to tell someone about my past after Nick. Would they run or think of me differently?

  I know without actually being in a relationship, I will never have those questions answered, but the mere thoughts of it makes me ill.

  “I miss him, Garry. It’s been six years and I can’t stop missing him.”

  The corner of his mouth edges up into an understanding smile.

  “I know. Me too. And Mandy, you will never stop missing him. But your heart is big enough for another person.”

  “I know. It’s nerves, I guess. I don’t even think I’d know what to do.”

  His eyes widen, and I can tell he is smothering a laugh.

  “It’s a bit like riding a bike,” he chuckles. “Mandy, as your best friend and a red-blooded male, I can tell you, you have nothing to be nervous about. You’re beautiful and sexy and if it’s Alex you want to try something with, he’s an awesome guy. Take things slow. He won’t expect you to just hop into bed with him, and if he does, I’ll kick the shit out of him.”

  I furrow my brow, staring at him. Garry wouldn’t hurt a fly, and I’m pretty sure Alex would knock him over if he blew him a kiss.

  He ignores my glare and continues, “And you don’t have to blurt out everything. Get to know him.”

  I shrug. “Maybe. I suppose it won’t hurt to try.”

  “That’s my girl.” He smiles proudly.

  Sally comes skipping into the kitchen, her arms struggling to wrap around a large purple folder. She sets it on the countertop with a thud. Garry looks at me and shrugs. There’s something oddly smug about his smile. He’s so in love.

  “Christ, Sally. You’ve been engaged for forty-eight hours.” I giggle as the rush of air from the folder hitting the counter blows my hair.

  “I know, Mandy. But I’ve been preparing my entire life.”

  “Fair enough.” I rub my palms together. “Show me everything.”

  Two hours we take to go through the details of a wedding that has yet to have a date set. Sally has planned every detail. Down to the colour of her invitations.

  My eyes are burning as I sit back in my car. I never want to see another seating plan again.

  As I rest my head back, my phone buzzes in my handbag.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Hey, honey. Have you heard from your brother? I can’t get through to him and I’m worried.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “When was the last time you heard from him?”

  “Two days ago.”

  Can she hear herself? She seems genuinely exasperated on the other end, worrying about her grown-ass man-child.

  “I spoke with him this morning, Mom. He’s fine. He needs some time with his wife. He took time off work for a reason.”

  “I know, but I can’t help but worry about him.”

  “They’ll get through it.”

  Matt and his wife, Suzie, have been trying for a baby for three years, and their first attempt at IVF failed. I try to be there for him as much as I can, but I can’t help feeling guilty when he looks at me.

  It’ll happen for them. I’m sure of it, and my brother is going to be an amazing father.

  “How are you, sweetie?”

  “I’m fine. I’m leaving Garry’s house. I wanted to call to congratulate Sally myself,” I explain.

  “I am so happy for him. Someday, you will give me a wedding to go to.”

  I don’t hide the snort and moan.

  “Someday,” I agree. “I need to go, Mom. I have piles of work to get through. I love you.”

  “I love you too, honey. And please, if you do speak to your brother, tell him to call me.”

  Once my mother hangs up, I start the car, dialing my brother’s number. It rings through the car speaker.

  “Hey, sis.” He sounds tired.

  I don’t even bother to say hello.

  “Can you call Mom? She is about to send a search party out for you.”

  I lied to my mother about speaking to him this morning. I haven’t heard from my brother in over a week and honestly, I was starting to worry too.

  He says nothing, but I can almost hear the roll of his head.

  “Sure.”

  “Why haven’t you been taking her calls?”

  “I’m really busy, Mandy,” he says through a yawn.

  “You answered me?”

  “Yes, because I enjoy talking to you.”

  “Thanks. But you need to call her. You know how she gets.”

  “Okay,” he settles. “Sorry I haven’t called. I’m sorting through some stuff.”

  God, that breaks my heart. I wish I could reach through the phone and hug him.

  “How are you and Suzie?” My voice cracks because hearing him in so much pain causes tears to sting my eyes.

  There’s a pause, and then I hear him clear his throat. “I just want to be there for my wife, but she’s shutting me out. When the IVF didn’t work, something in her shut down. We’re going to try again, but it’s draining everything. Our bank accounts and our relationship included.”

  I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had the answers. And I wish Suzie didn’t hate me for things I can’t change. She doesn’t speak to me without a snap in her voice. It wasn’t always this way.

  “She loves you, Matt. All you can do is be there for her. And I’m here anytime you need me. I’m a good listener.”

  “Thanks. Dinner next week?”

  He means for the two of us. I don’t ask if Suzie will join us anymore.

  “I’d love to.”

  “How have you been? All okay?” His concern is understandable but unwarranted.

  It’s coming close to the time of year when my heart aches so much it could break
, and I know my brother’s pain is as palpable.

  “Everything is fine.” I try to keep control in my tone.

  Everything isn’t fine. It has been six years. I’ve learned how to control the pain and the tears that naturally fall with each memory, but I still feel every blow clawing at me until my skin is raw.

  “I don’t want to keep you too long. I just wanted to let you know that Mom wants to speak to you.”

  “Okay, sis. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Give Suzie my love and keep me updated on everything.”

  He agrees before ending the call.

  I can’t wait for the day one of these phone calls ends with me knowing I’m going to be an aunt.

  Nick crawls into my mind, and I remember the emptiness after he died. The overwhelming loss crowded everything in my life. I imagine it’s something similar for Suzie.

  I put the radio on to drown out my racing thoughts, but I find myself humming and processing all at once.

  Funny how this time, when I think of Nick, something else gets mixed up in there, too. Images of a tall, strong, gorgeous man. Thoughts of seeing him again and what I can say to not stumble over my own words. How I will act and how I will look at him.

  Involuntarily, I lick my lips, sighing to myself. This rush of new feelings is foreign and scary.

  Maybe I can do it. Maybe I can try. He may turn me down, and I can deal with it. But I have nothing to lose in trying.

  Chapter Nine

  Saturday evening and I’m pacing in my kitchen. My double doors are open wide into my back garden, allowing the warm breeze to creep in. The cold shower soothed my skin only momentarily. Wrapped in a towel, my skin is becoming sticky again.

  I sit on the stool at my breakfast counter, only to stand again and pace some more.

  I’m too nervous and on edge about what this evening could bring.

  Why am I acting this way for a man I have hardly spoken to?

  Christ, I feel itchy.

  Another cold shower.

  I’ve practically sanitized my entire body at this stage, but thinking about Alex makes me warm and pleasantly uncomfortable. I need to wash it off.

  Again.

  All week I’ve thought about him and the conversation I had with Garry. It’s time for me to at least try something with someone. Why not the hot guy with the smoldering smile and piercing blue eyes?

  I turn the temperature lower and squeal as it rushes down my back.

  My mind is in torment, torn somewhere between not wanting to betray Nick and his memory, and not being able to help what Alex makes me feel. And I wonder what Nick would think? What would his opinion be? Not of the whole situation, but of Alex. Would he approve?

  I like to think he would. After all, he was friends with Garry, and he hasn’t warned me off.

  Garry—the matchmaker.

  I close my eyes and feel my chest tighten. He is going to be right in the middle of this with his happy little fiancé, stirring the love potion.

  My best friend is both a blessing and a curse to me right now.

  “Come on, Mandy. Big girl pants time,” I murmur to myself, switching off the shower and once again wrapping myself in the towel.

  My doorbell rings, and I catch myself before I slip on the tiles.

  I hurry, drying my feet before clipping my damp hair off my face.

  It can’t be Claire. Not yet. It’s only 4 p.m.

  Garry asked me to collect his suit from the dry cleaners earlier because he and Sally were getting an engagement photo shoot before the party. I didn’t even know that was a thing, and I’m sure Garry cringed the entire way through, but I happily obliged. He must be here to collect it.

  “Give me a sec, Garry,” I shout towards my front door before running into my bedroom to grab my robe. I take my hair down from the clip, sure if I left it there, I would never get the kink out of my hair. And I’m not sure if Alex likes kinky hair.

  I blush, a heat unfurling below my ribs.

  Maybe he likes other kinky things.

  “Move along, Mandy,” I utter.

  I rush to the door, swinging it back.

  “Your suit is in the…” My mouth flies open, and my gasp is loud. It’s the loudest thing I’ve ever heard. “Alex?”

  “Hey.” His broad shoulders lift with a light laugh.

  “What? Am… How?” I stutter, unsure if I’ve swallowed my tongue. “What are you doing here? How do you even know where I live?” I sound more forceful than I’d like, but I can’t help it. I’ve been sweating over this man all day and he shows up at my door, out of nowhere.

  “Garry called.” His brow creases, and he looks as mystified as I feel.

  “No, he didn’t.” I shake my head.

  Please ground, open up and swallow me.

  I should have held off on the cold shower because this situation calls for one.

  We both stand there, staring, each as confused as the other, and now obviously embarrassed. And I’ve become acutely aware my silk robe is showing off a little more of myself than I like.

  “Mandy, I’m sorry. I thought you knew I was coming. Garry got held up and asked if I could pop by to pick up his suit. He said he called. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

  That asshole.

  I’m going to string him up and have his guts for supper.

  But then I remember my phone sitting in my bedroom. Charging.

  I swallow, trying to hide my mortification, and place a gentle smile on my lips.

  “You didn’t frighten me, Alex. You just weren’t who I was expecting.” I let out a light laugh. “Please, come in.”

  He doesn’t move. He purses his lips, his eyes traveling along my body, all the way to my toes and back up again. His eyes become darker, roaming over me under thick lashes. I pull my robe tighter, trying to hide behind the light material.

  It’s no use. He can still see the outline of my body pretty well.

  Something for my shopping list: a longer robe.

  “You sure?” He raises his eyebrows, smirking, and rubbing his fingers along his jaw.

  I want to reach out and touch the very spot.

  Why do my legs feel like jelly?

  One look.

  That’s all it takes, and my breathing comes faster.

  “Sure. Just let me get changed so I don’t flash a guest in my house.”

  I close my eyes and take a long breath. I need to make light of this messed-up situation or I’ll crawl into bed for the night and die of shame.

  I gesture towards the kitchen, and the corner of his mouth edges up. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be, but sweet heavens, he is sexy.

  He nods, taking a step forward. “Thank you.”

  Once at the doorway, he passes me, and his arm grazes along my robe, gently rubbing against the skin beneath. His touch is as soft as the satin I’m wearing, but it burns as if he is branding the skin below my breasts. For a moment, his eyes connect with mine. And as he looks down at me, I know he feels it too. Whatever it is.

  I’m definitely going to need another shower.

  My eyes dance over his skin, the movement of his throat as he swallows, his broad chest rising and falling with each shallow breath, and I’m small beneath his roasting gaze. Blinking, I break our connection, and when he continues through the hall, I think I hear him mumble a curse. But maybe I’m hearing things now.

  “Give me a minute while I change.”

  I’m about to take off to my bedroom, but he stops me in my tracks.

  “Mandy. Wait.”

  When I look over at him again, his eyes are glossy. His stare could be lava as it sizzles its way over every inch of my skin. And if I’ve ever seen hunger in a man’s eyes, then this is it.

  “I’m going to grab Garry’s suit and head back. I don’t want to interrupt you, and I’m sure Garry is going to need this.”

  He removes the hanger from the door, tossing it over his back, and letting it swing from his fingers.

  My
heart sinks to my stomach, and I recognize the gut-wrenching feeling. It’s disappointment. But what can I say? I’m standing here, half-naked, in a satin robe. Maybe I’ve turned him off somehow. He might think I’m presumptuous.

  God, I hope not. If he only knew the truth, he’d think I was a nun.

  I lower my head, staring at my pink-painted toes before looking back at him, focusing on his chest.

  “Mandy?” he questions, and my eyes meet his again. “Why is it, every time I meet you, you’re dripping wet?” A smile plays along his lips.

  Ground, please, please open up and swallow me.

  “Because I was born with a knack for walking into the most embarrassing of situations.”

  We both laugh, and a nervousness fills the air between us.

  “I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight, Mandy.” His tone is serious and his voice coats over me like warm honey. He walks to the front door. “You should wear the robe.” He winks and gives me one last breathtaking smirk before he closes the door, leaving me ready to melt into a pool of liquid at my feet.

  I stare after him, unable to take control of my legs and walk away.

  I want him to come back.

  I want to kiss him so badly my lips are burning.

  I spin on my heels and mutter, “Time for another shower.”

  Chapter Ten

  It’s 7:30, and I’m sitting patiently on my bed, fully dressed, staring at Claire as she applies the finishing touches to her make-up.

  “You look gorgeous. Now, will you hurry,” I complain, sipping on my cocktail.

  There’s still an hour to go to the party, but Claire is applying her makeup like she’s the guest of honour.

  “What’s the rush? You have a cocktail in your hand. That’s everything you need. And we have lots of time before it kicks off.”

  I exhale loudly, rolling my eyes. It isn’t Claire’s fault. My encounter with Alex earlier has left me a bit shaken and knowing I will see him again isn’t helping matters.

  He told me he’s looking forward to seeing me. I’m not too sure how good my defences will be if he looks at me with the same hunger as he did today.

  My mind flashes back to the moment when he was looking down at me from over his shoulder, his arm still pressed against my silk robe. I tingle, every nerve in my body coming alive.