Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series)

by Laura Ashley Gallagher

  “Hi.” Her voice is almost a whisper.

  Her arms clasp around Alex’s neck. I bite my lip to stop the laugh from escaping and he rolls his eyes. He was right; she is a possessive little thing. I don’t blame her.

  “What age are you?” she asks. Her voice is small but packed with feistiness and I love her already.

  “Ava,” Alex scolds.

  I flash him an amused smile and shake my head to let him know it’s okay. I’m used to kids.

  “I’m twenty-six,” I answer.

  She leans into Alex and whispers loud enough so I can hear, “I like her. She’s pretty and her dress is cool.”

  Alex’s shoulders shake with quiet laughter and he lowers Ava back down. “Glad to have your approval, kid.”

  An hour later, and I have no idea why I was so stressed out about this dinner. His family welcomed me, their hugs were warm, and I got to hear some of Alex’s embarrassing childhood stories. It feels—I don’t know—like family.

  His father is a quiet man, involving himself only when he feels the need, but he appears happy. I think he likes to sit back and watch his family together.

  Lydia is—well, stunning. Her frame is thinner than I imagine it once was, but it doesn’t take from her beauty.

  Every so often, Alex will take my hand or squeeze my thigh reassuringly.

  At some stage, after the appetizers, Ava snuck onto his lap and he had eaten his dinner with one hand while warning Ava to eat hers or she couldn’t get ice-cream for dessert. They both ignored Lydia’s instructions for Ava to sit in her own seat. I think he was just as happy to have her in his arms.

  It fascinated me. It’s a side to Alex I’ve only seen glimpses of. It all comes so naturally to him. Eating dinner while engaging in conversation, all the while bouncing Ava on his knee and paying her the attention she wanted. From the outside, he looks like a loving father, and I’m realizing that’s what he is. He never gets annoyed, even when she’s squishing his face with her hands and asking him to say something, so he sounds funny. He’s happy when she’s happy.

  Her brows pull together every time she catches him touching me, but she doesn’t seem to hate me for it. She’s clarified he’s not just My Alex. I’m grateful she’s willing to share him.

  “Ava, why don’t you go look at the fish tank and give your uncle a break,” Lydia instructs from across the table.

  “Mama,” Ava whines, her arms dropping to her side.

  Lydia raises her eyebrows and her eyes become darker. “Ava, don’t start.”

  Her little face drops and I can’t help feeling sorry for her. I’m pretty sure I feel the same when I leave his arms.

  Alex wipes his mouth with the napkin. “I’ll go with you, Ava.”

  Lydia rolls her eyes. “Alex, sit down.”

  As he walks away, he presses his hands on her shoulders and kisses the top of his sister’s head. “I haven’t gotten to spend a lot of time with her lately. Leave her be.”

  He kisses my cheek next, and the feeling of his lips lingers there as he walks away with Ava’s hand in his.

  Owen and Charlotte are deep in chatter with Tony, so Lydia shuffles her seat closer to mine. She’s beautiful. With deep sapphire eyes, just like Alex. Her hair is fairer like Owen’s, her sharp cheekbones flush now from the wine, and her eyes are glossy, but her shoulders are elegantly straight, and her smile is prideful when she turns to me from looking at her daughter.

  “She has him wrapped around her finger, I’m afraid.”

  I lean my elbow on the back of my chair and look over at them. Alex is crouched, and Ava is giggling uncontrollably.

  “It looks like he’s more than willing to me. They’re amazing together.”

  She smiles and I notice the discolouration in the corner of her eyes and when she flicks her hair over her shoulder, there are bruises on her hands. They look like puncture wounds. I flinch and I hate when she notices.

  “Treatments have made my veins almost non-existent. I’ve become a pincushion.” She laughs and holds out her hand as if showing me a diamond ring.

  I blush, embarrassed she felt the need to explain. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  She waves her hand. “Honey, please. It’s impossible to make me uncomfortable. Doctors have seen more of my body than I have. I’m practically married to my oncologist.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. She has the same knack as Alex for making me relax.

  Her mouth turns down, and she studies me for a long minute. I want to say something or look away, but I can’t.

  “Since our mom passed away, I’ve mothered Alex. I’m ten years older and even though he was only starting college when she died, I still felt the need to be there. He stayed with me while attending university and when he started working at the architecture firm. He was there when I first brought Ava home from the hospital. He missed work nights out with his friends when I was so exhausted, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so he’d do the night feeds. Ava had colic and was always one for dramatics.” She shrugs, smiling over at them. “He showed up late for dates because Ava puked on him right before he left, and he’d have to shower and change. She always came first.” She looks back at me. “He’s a good man,” she breathes.

  I’m not sure if this is a warning or if she is trying to scare me. She must notice my expression change because she takes my hand. “I’m sorry. I’m his big sister and I should give you the what-are-your-intentions speech, but I’m telling you all of this because I like you, Mandy, and you make my brother happy. He deserves you.

  Don’t cry. Oh, God, don’t cry in front of this woman.

  “My brother is absolutely crazy in love with you. You know that, right?”

  I nod and bite on my lip so hard it throbs, but a choked sob escapes.

  Damn it.

  “I ask that you be patient with him.” She dabs the corner of her eye with her finger. “He didn’t take my mother’s death well, but we had each other. I won’t be here for much longer and I’m so glad he has you.”

  Shit. I’ve lost it now. What is this woman doing to me?

  I squeeze her hand. “I’ll be here,” I promise.

  “Watch him like a hawk. He will distract himself to the point of exhaustion. He will work too hard.”

  He already works too hard. If he works anymore, he’ll fall down.

  “He distracts himself with Ava, and…” She smirks and her eyes glisten. “Now you.”

  My face gets hot, somersaults happening deep in my belly.

  I love Alex, but Lydia is selling him to me all over again, and I want to get him home, because he is a good man, and he deserves the truth. He’ll never have all of me until that happens.

  “I’m fortunate enough to experience how amazing he is. He makes me happy. And I can see how great he is as a brother and an uncle.”

  “He really is,” she agrees. “He supports me even when I make choices he doesn’t agree with. When I decided I wanted to contact the agency and reach out to Ava’s birth mother, he argued with me for weeks. He only sees things from our side.”

  My heart jumps into my throat and I swallow the fear-soaked lump

  What did she just say?

  “Excuse me? You said Ava’s birth mother.” I shift in my seat.

  Her eyes narrow briefly, but she continues. “Yeah. When I got my diagnosis, I wanted to reach out because Ava doesn’t have an actual father and I thought, maybe stupidly, the woman who gave her up was this amazing person. Which she is, but I hoped she’d want to get to know her. Just a little, so Ava would have a mother figure. It’s silly, I know, but in my desperate mind, it made sense. She never replied to our letter. Alex said it was for the best and she made her choice. Maybe he’s right.”

  I didn’t hear half of what she said because the pounding in my chest is ringing in my ears. I slide my hand off the table and wipe it along my dress.

  I gawk at her. “I still don’t understand.”

  She laugh
s and shakes her head. “Why am I not surprised he didn’t tell you? He never sees it as an issue. In his head, she’s mine and only mine. Ava has always known, so I don’t get the big deal, but Ava’s adopted.”

  My blood runs cold, and it takes all my power not to slide off the seat. With tunnel vision, my eyes go to her—the little girl with black curls, the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen, and Jesus, those dimples. The world is spinning in slow motion, and I beg for it to stop.

  I’m imagining it. Everything.

  I’m hallucinating.

  It must be a panic attack.

  I didn’t see the resemblance before. My brain is clinging to some distorted hope. Or maybe it’s shock. Probably dread.

  I don’t see Alex anymore. I only see little Ava as she spins in circles. I feel a single tear leak from my eye because as much as my brain tries to rationalize this; it can’t.

  “Mandy.” It’s Lydia. I forgot she was here. “Are you okay? You’ve gone pale.”

  My mouth is dry. I think I’m shaking.

  “When’s Ava’s…” I swallow again. Why is my mouth so fucking dry? “When’s Ava’s birthday?”

  Not March fifth.

  Please don’t say March fifth.

  Lydia’s voice is small and sounds far away when she says, “March fifth.”

  Fuck.

  No.

  No.

  No.

  My head turns back to Ava.

  It can’t be her.

  It can’t be because fuck it, it just can’t.

  She can’t be my little girl.

  Part Two

  Found

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Then

  It was 4.30 a.m. on a stormy morning on March fifth, when tiny wails filled the maternity ward.

  My body was shaking. I could hardly breathe, and it felt like a truck hit me.

  All the other voices in the room lulled in the background, and I vaguely remember my mother wiping sweat from my forehead with a washcloth.

  None of it mattered but those tiny cries. And when they placed her straight on my chest, the rest of the world melted away.

  “Congratulations Mommy. It’s a girl,” the midwife said, still cleaning the little one’s face.

  She was warm, and I swear, once I held her in my arms, she crawled straight through my chest and planted herself in my heart.

  In an instant, she became my world, and the purest love rushed through my veins.

  “Hey, baby girl,” I whispered, pressing my lips against the black wisps of her hair.

  Black hair like Nick. The hint of a dimple on her right cheek like me. Ten fingers, ten toes.

  Perfect.

  “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart,” Mom cried, stroking a finger delicately over my baby’s arm while kissing the top of my head. “You did it.”

  I didn’t look at her because I couldn’t take my eyes off the bundle in my arms.

  “Chloe,” I breathed, nuzzling my nose against her skin.

  And she was mine.

  ***

  “Sweetheart.” My father’s arm tightened around my shoulder. “You’re falling asleep. You should rest.”

  I didn’t want to rest. I wanted to look at her forever.

  All night, I stayed that way. I didn’t sleep. I fed her. I changed her. I held her close, and when she wasn’t in my arms, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her all night in her crib. Even when the doctor came into the room to do a full medical check, I didn’t take my eyes off her.

  They didn’t ask too many questions. Not the usual ones you’d ask a first-time mother bringing her baby home because I wasn’t taking Chloe home with me.

  They spared me the agony of needing to explain, and I was grateful.

  I didn’t bother to wipe the tears that fell.

  The months of my pregnancy went by in a haze. But not this. I felt every moment. Every memory branded in my brain, forever to replay there.

  Everyone got their chance to see her. Mine and Nick’s family, and even my friends, but today, I needed to be alone. I didn’t want people to crowd me and cloud my decisions.

  And when there was a knock at my door, I looked up, and knew the minutes to come would crush me.

  The doctors had cleared both me and Chloe to leave the hospital, but we couldn’t leave together, and I thought I was going to die. My heart would surely stop.

  I recognized the petite lady standing at the door. I hated her colourful clothes and everything she represented. I hated myself for my choices. But my baby girl deserved so much more.

  Julie was the counsellor from the adoption agency. I’d met her on countless occasions, but that day, she didn’t bring the usual reassurances. Honestly, I didn’t want them.

  My father pressed a firm kiss on my temple, patted my knee, and left.

  I felt the bed dip before I looked up at her. Hair greying at the temples, kind grey eyes, and a smile I should have taken comfort from.

  “How are you doing, Mandy?”

  What a stupid question?

  How was I doing?

  I didn’t want to open my mouth in fear I’d say something I didn’t mean, so I merely nodded.

  I averted my gaze back to the beautiful girl in her crib. Still and peaceful. Birds chirped outside the window, and the lightest breeze whistled through the trees. Out there, where she was, it was beautiful.

  In here, with me in my head, it was grimy again. I thought happiness would break through, but it was muted, vague muffles making cracks in the dim.

  “She’s a cutie,” Julie said quietly. Taking a deep breath, I felt her apprehensive stare burn a hole in my face. “You’ve yet to sign the final paperwork, Mandy. It’s not too late.”

  I closed my eyes, rocking some comfort into my aching body, and gulped back the burning I felt. It was everywhere.

  “I thought it might be different when I saw her,” I started, my lids staying shut. “I’ve loved no one like I love her. But it’s still so dark in here, and I can’t bring her with me. Seeing her. Seeing how beautiful and amazing she is, I won’t ruin that. She needs so much more. She deserves the world. And my world is broken.”

  Her warm hand squeezed my shoulder. I shivered.

  “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Mandy. It’s a brave thing you’re doing.”

  Bullshit.

  She told me that before. I believed it less that day.

  “It’s almost time.”

  Oh, God.

  The selfish in me wanted to say no, because saying goodbye was agony.

  Inhaling a deep breath, I shook my head, opened my eyes, and reminded myself who I was doing this for.

  “Are they nice?”

  Julie’s laugh was sad, and her eyes filled with tears she wouldn’t let fall. She was a professional, after all. This wasn’t the first time she had to do this.

  “They’re amazing, and they’re going to love your little girl.”

  Good enough.

  “But you know I can’t share any more information with you. I’m sorry.”

  I knew that.

  “And you told them I won’t bother them, but if they ever need me for anything, or if Chloe asks questions, they can reach out?”

  Another sad smile.

  “I even put it in the paperwork.”

  So, with shaking hands, and through blurry eyes, I signed the final paperwork. I’ve never hated writing my name so much.

  “Can I have a minute with her before she goes?”

  “Of course. You take the time you need.”

  For the next thirty minutes, I held her close to my chest and kissed every inch of her tiny face. I kissed each finger and each of her toes. I sang to her and told her how proud I was to be her mommy.

  “Somewhere in this building, there are people waiting for you. And they are going to love you and take care of you. Little one, I’m sorry it wasn’t me. But I will always love you. Always. Someday and I am going to hope that we do. We might find each other, and I c
an tell you everything. I love you so much.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Now

  “Mandy.” The sound of my name knocks me out of my reverie. “Honey, you’re shaking.”

  I am.

  I can’t stop, and my lungs are burning.

  I mean, it can’t be her.

  It’s Alex’s niece.

  This can’t be the person I’ve tried to imagine for over six years.

  It can’t be.

  I need to get out of here before Alex and Ava get back.

  I could be wrong. Lydia said she sent a letter. I didn’t get any letter.

  Shit.

  My mind drifts back to my parents’ anniversary party. My mother gave me letters when I was leaving. I never looked at them because they’re always from the university.

  Kneading my fingers over my chest, I plead for my heart to slow.

  I push my chair back, stumbling in my heels before catching myself, and I plaster a smile on my face. Wiping the back of my hand across my forehead, I hope Lydia doesn’t notice the beads of sweat breaking out there.

  My blood has turned to acid, burning as it gushes through my body.

  “I need to get some air.” I swallow hard because if I don’t, I’ll be sick. Saliva pools in my mouth and I blink to stop the world from swaying.

  Lydia is observing me like I’m about to lose my mind and create chaos in this restaurant.

  Maybe I am.

  “I’ll go with you.” She attempts to stand, but I dismiss her with a wave of my hand.

  I think I’ve caught Alex’s attention from the other side of the room, but I can’t give him time to get to me. I need to make sense of this. And I don’t want to look at that little girl and see everything I didn’t see before.

  Everything that seems obvious now.

  “Honestly, I’ll be fine. I need five minutes,” I stutter, taking backward steps until I’m far enough to turn around. I don’t dare look in Alex’s direction, or at the little girl I’m acutely aware of now. I want to sprint, but I don’t. Alex will be on his way to the table to see what the commotion is about. If I act naturally, he might give me a minute. That’s all I need, to get into a cab and go home. I need to open those letters.