Someone Else's Life

by Lacey Ann Carrigan

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Three Months Later

  Usually around Labor Day, Suella was completely tired of the hot weather and wanted to take a cruise to Alaska. She’d never made it, though, because she couldn’t during Nathan’s playing days and after he retired, something else always came up. This year, Natalie was just entering her second trimester.

  In her walk of life, she rarely got to follow someone else’s pregnancy. When she used to pal around with the other baseball wives in the seats or in the clubhouses, she would get to see other women carrying babies. Months and weeks would go by and the changes would always gradually materialize. They would usually talk about their sore backs or their early morning barf sessions and the endless cravings.

  The last time she closely followed someone else’s pregnancy was when Toni had carried Natalie nearly nineteen years ago. At least she didn’t need to worry about whether Natalie was drinking or hanging around people who smoked. What she did have to worry about were the devastating effects of pregnancy on Natalie’s frail, rapidly-aging body.

  Once Suella had returned from Jillian’s wedding, among the first things she did was to ride with Natalie to one of her OB appointments. Suella always sat with her in the examination rooms. Sometimes nurses would raise an eyebrow or she would catch them out of the corner of her eye flashing her a disapproving look, but she did not care.

  The doctor would come in, take vitals and check images of the baby, who in the early weeks, looked like snail swimming around on the screen. “Everything’s moving along fine,” she would always say.

  Sometimes the numbers frightened Suella. She knew that one hundred fifty over ninety was a high blood pressure reading, especially for someone as young as Natalie. “There might be some white coat syndrome going on,” the doctor said, on one visit. “Let’s wait a few minutes and take another reading.” Later, the reading would come out one hundred thirty over eighty-five, which was still borderline, but much better. “True to form, the doctor would always say “Natalie is doing just fine.”

  Suella called Dr. Allende onscreen not long after that. “Did you tell that woman about Natalie’s medical status?” she asked her.

  Dr. Allende, who was uncharacteristically scrubbed down that day, with her hair tied back efficiently, replied “Of course.”

  “Well, she doesn’t act like it! They focus on the baby, not Natalie.” She told the doctor about Natalie’s high blood pressure readings and what seemed to her like a low body temperature.

  “A high reading here or there is not cause for concern,” Dr. Allende said. “but if it starts a trend, then that’s when we usually do something.”

  “If we only see the OB every couple of weeks, how are we going to know if it’s a trend?”

  The doctor shrugged. For a moment she looked like an indifferent teenager instead of a medical professional in her late forties. “The one way to be sure is to get a vitals kit,” she said.

  They were not cheap, Suella knew, but the next chance she got, she purchased one and it arrived via express delivery a couple of days later. The ultra deluxe one she’d chosen contained probes not just for blood pressure, heart rate and body temperature, it also came with a blood sugar monitor and hemocult scan. When she flashed open the directions chip a whole glossary and index confronted her, causing her to say “Whoa!” Yet she still read most of it. She wanted to do what was best for her little girl.

  She’d set out the items on the living room coffee table in order to learn about how to use them. Nathan passed by on his way to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. He gazed at the odd looking gadgets quizzically. “What’s all that shit?”

  “It’s a vitals kit. I’m going to use it whenever I go see Natalie. So we can keep track of how she’s doing.”

  “Oh.” He nodded, then cocked his forehead to the side as if something had suddenly occurred to him. “Oh yeah. She said she’s getting tired of you just dropping on over there.”

  The news hit Suella like a slap across the face. Instinctively, she started to raise up from her seat on the couch. “What?”

  “Calm down, calm down. It’s not that she doesn’t want you to come over. It’s just that she wishes you would call first. In case she’s—you know—in the middle of something else.”

  The next day, Suella called Natalie before she planned to come over. “I was re-knocking everything but I’m just about done.”

  “Re-knocking everything?”

  “Yeah. You know, vacuuming up crumbs, putting stuff away…”

  “Oh.”

  When she arrived at the apartment, she found Natalie in a casual top that barely covered her middle, along with lounging pants. “What, are you advertising now? Are you going to mark a giant “P” down there?”

  “Well it’s just for around the house,” Natalie said.

  A thought occurred to Suella: since the truth was nearly “out there” already, she’d only need to lift the curtain a little bit more to see the performance. “Let’s see if you’re showing yet,” she said, gently reaching down to lift the hem of her shirt.

  “Mom!”

  “Hold still so I can see!”

  Natalie sighed and stood there, shifting from foot to foot while Suella examined her exposed abdomen. “Are you sucking your stomach in?”

  “No! Why would I do that?”

  “To placate me.” As she ran her eyes over her daughter’s belly she saw just a general roundness, the same type of thing she might see if Natalie had gone to an all-you-can-eat buffet. “You’re hardly showing at all.”

  “I’ve gained five pounds, mostly water, and the baby’s the size of a mouse now.”

  She guided her over to the daybed couch so they could sit. “But how do you feel?”

  She shrugged, letting out another sigh. “Fine, mostly I guess. I just wish there was some kind of pill I could take to make all of this go quicker.”

  Suella paused, gazed at her daughter and raised her finger to make a point. “If there was, I don’t think you’d want to take it,” she said, reaching into her purse for the vitals kit.

  “Oh gawd, you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t,” Natalie said, looking at the gadget filled box with dread.

  “Honey, it’s for the best,” Suella tried to say soothingly, patting her daughter’s arm. “Now if you quit fussing and just relax it’ll be like nothing at all.” Swiftly, she swiped the temperature patch over Natalie’s forehead as she groaned and rolled her eyes. Next came the pressure probe, which looked like an old-fashioned clothespin, and the blood sugar monitor, which looked like a thimble. All of the objects synched up to a data pad, so Suella didn’t even have to write anything down.

  “Now you’re probably gonna want to do this every day,” Natalie said.

  “Well, it’s because I love you, honey,” she said, watching the data materialize. “I want to make sure everything goes okay.”

  “I know,” Natalie murmured.

  Suella announced the readings: “That’s 99.1 on the temp, 127 over 72 on the BP, and 189 on the sugar. Very good.”

  Natalie brightened visibly when she received the good news. “Dr. Allende would be so proud of me,” she said.

  Suella nodded agreement as she tidily packed away the little gadgets into their little box and sequestered it into her purse. Once everything was all tucked away, she leaned over and held out her arms for Natalie, who leaned forward and gave herself to her, closing her eyes and smiling contentedly. Despite herself, Suella began to gently rock Natalie back and forth, cooing to her in whispers, the way she did when she was an infant. For a while she thought her daughter would pull away and say “Mom, don’t be so stupid,” but she melded with her instead.

  For the time she had lost with Natalie, and the closeness this provided that caused time to stand still, she could have stayed that way for hours. Eventually, though, she lifted her head above Suel
la’s shoulder, looked at her, and smiled. “Mom, I just want to know one thing,” she said.

  Suella was waiting for her to tell her what the “one thing” was, but she sat there silently, with a look of anticipation in her eyes. It dawned on her that she was waiting for a response before she went on, so Suella gave her one. “What is it?”

  “Are you mad at me, because of what happened?” She squinted momentarily, as if waiting for the answer could bring about intense physical pain.

  From where Suella sat, though, it could do anything but that. “No honey,” she said, gathering her into her arms for another quick embrace. “What happened was beautiful. It’s so extraordinary we have to keep it to ourselves. And your baby is so lucky. She’s going to have a mother and father and grandparents who love her.”

  Natalie squinted. “What makes you so sure it’s going to be a ‘she?’”

  “I just know,” Suella replied.

  The depth of her daughter’s heart astounded her. From what she had put her through all of her life, Natalie had every reason in the world to hate her. Yet here she still was, welcoming her mother’s affection, and showing concern about the possibility of disappointing her. Having a daughter was the greatest thing she had ever accomplished in life, she was sure of this.

  For the rest of that morning, she watched Natalie record a few sessions for her network fans. Once again she brought out the mysterious and wonderful virtual guitar. “This time I want to make sure I’ve got the record and light levels right,” she said. “It sounded weird and I looked washed out last time.” They’d moved into a corner of the apartment set aside for showtime purposes.

  A lamp with a silver photographer’s shade bathed the area in warm light. While a tripod on a long metal stalk suspended it above Natalie’s chair, Suella couldn’t see any extension cord. “It’s a Tesla bulb,” she explained, handing her mother a round disc that looked like an old-fashioned contact lens case. “You turn that wheel to get the light to go brighter or dimmer.” Suella tried it and watched the light intensify, then diminish as she worked the wheel.

  With Suella here today, Natalie explained, she could use her to work the camera, instead of placing it on a tripod and selecting autoplay. When all the lighting levels and sound levels were to Natalie’s liking, she positioned her arms and accepted the virtual guitar into them and began to sing another old song Suella recognized. As she watched her through the viewfinder, her heart melted. Where had Natalie gotten this talent? No one in her immediate family sang, danced, played a musical instrument or did anything even remotely creative.

  As she sang, Natalie often faced the camera to address whoever would be viewing the screen. She smiled at them a lot, as if they had been an invited guest and she liked them very much and wanted to please them. Then Suella remembered that since she was working the camera, Natalie was playing directly to her. This song she was singing was a direct form of a love letter, to her.

  Other instruments accompanied Natalie: Suella could hear drums, a keyboard and a type of horn she could not at first place. Just three little pieces of plastic could summon up Natalie’s light guitar and an entire band.

  As soon as she finished, Natalie wanted to watch what she called the “Rough mix.” Her screen, which was a projectible, beamed her image against the living room wall just moments later. Her voice, her guitar playing, and all of the instruments filled the apartment at a louder volume than what she’d played minutes before. Out of the corner of her eye, Suella could see her daughter blush. “Are you embarrassed?” she asked. “You’re beautiful, honey!”

  “I know,” Natalie replied, the pinkish tinge of her cheekbones deepening. “It’s always a little of a shock to my system to see myself onscreen at first.” She worked a control and sped through much of the recording, nodding as her singing and smiling finished. “That’s a keeper,” she murmured.

  Suella was amazed. “You must practice a lot,” she said, “in order to be able to play a song in just one shot like that and look really good doing it.”

  She nodded. “David and I practice a lot. He helps me, and I help him with his studying sometimes, quiz him on some things from the sections.” As she put away the small objects that comprised her entire “band” she looked all around the apartment with wide eyes, as if she were seeing it for the first time and sizing it up.

  “What’s wrong?” Suella asked.

  Natalie grinned, looking at her out of mischievous eyes. “Hey mom, how would you like to be in one with me?”

  “What? Point the camera at us, hit play and just smile and wave at everybody?”

  Natalie nodded excitedly, resting her hand on Suella’s wrist, to reassure her. “Yes! People would love it!”

  “I don’t know. My hair isn’t behaving right today.”

  “It looks fine, mom. And we can always pixel brush or stipple before we send it out there.”

  Her daughter was so excited for the idea that Suella didn’t want to burst her bubble. “Okay,” she said. “Why not.”

  Quickly, Natalie set up the lens and the Tesla lamp to point them at a spot on the daybed couch where they would sit. “Let me fix my face a little and touch up my hair before you turn that thing on,” Suella said.

  When she entered her daughter’s bathroom, she felt an upwelling of pride over how clean and fastidious she was. All of the countertop surfaces and the floor sparkled, and the medicine cabinet with mirror looked as though it had just been unpacked, the cellophane peeled off the glass. Apparently her daughter was a disciplined and sensible creature but getting her there may have had a dark side. The school where she lived must have kept cameras and gave their wards feedback about their housekeeping skills from time to time.

  Suella rearranged a few locks of her hair and pushed back her eyebrows with the nail of her pinkie finger. Once she was satisfied with the way her sun-kissed blond hair and makeup look, she gazed at her reflection and mouthed the words “You look good.”

  By the time she returned to the living room, Natalie was waiting for her. “Are you ready? Sit down.” She patted the spot on the daybed beside her.

  Suella positioned herself close to Natalie and adjusted her shoulders and hips until she felt the most comfortable. “Go ahead,” she said. “Do whatever you have to do.”

  “It’s all going to be head-top,” Natalie said. “A little red light will flash on the lens to let you know.”

  “Head-top? What the eff is that?”

  Natalie sighed and smiled wryly. “It means without a script or a plan.”

  “Oh! You mean ad lib.”

  “Yeah. Whatever.” Natalie pressed a button on a small clicker that reminded Suella of the tiny remote teachers used to press to switch slides during an audio-visual presentation when she was in school. “We’re going to go on three. One, two three!”

  The tiny red pinpoint near the lens flashed on.

  “Hi everyone,” Natalie said with a breezy, cheerful delivery like a television weathergirl. “I have someone special to help me out with my posts today. This is my mother, Suella Worthy. Say ‘Hi’ to everyone, mom!”

  Suella waved for the camera and pointed her thumb at Natalie. “She made me do it. I wanted to do the dishes and straighten up.”

  “Now remember,” Natalie went on. “There’s a really big reason why we look so much alike. But isn’t she beautiful?” Unexpectedly, Natalie reached up and grasped Suella’s chin between her index finger and thumb. “Just look at this perfect face, hardly any lines or wrinkles. This is what I get to look like in thirty-eight years.”

  Suella let out a short, nervous laugh and felt her temples heat up. She wondered how much of her blush would show for the cameras. “Aw, she’s so kind.”

  After a minute or so of patter between the two of them, she turned off the lens and put it away, along with the Tesla bulb. It was getting close to lunch, so the two of them ins
pected Natalie’s cabinets and refrigerator, to see what they could make. “And David’s coming home for lunch, too,” she said. “We have to make enough for him.”

  Looking through Natalie’s refrigerator and cabinet was like perusing the aisles at a natural food store. Suella found wheatgrass paste and a whole garden harvest of colorful vegetables to go with several different variations of texturized protein products. “Do you eat any meat at all?” she asked, reaching for soft matzos and hummus spread.

  Natalie shook her head and her nose crinkled, as if she found the very idea repugnant. “No.”

  “Nothing? Not even chicken or fish?”

  “Sort of.” She smiled smugly.

  “What do you mean sort of? You either do, or you don’t.”

  She reached onto a refrigerator rack and pulled out a small, square container. “Look inside here and tell me if that doesn’t look like chicken.”

  Suella did as she was told and saw a few white, stringy planks. “Ok, it looks exactly like chicken. But what is it, really?”

  “Texturized protein made from seaweed.”

  “I’ll be darned.”

  They worked together to make a spread for lunch while they discussed Natalie’s decision to excise all animal products from her diet. “Didn’t you notice that I just had a coke when we stopped off to get chilidogs on the way back?”

  “I just thought you weren’t in the mood for one. Is this a save the animals kind of thing? They used to treat the cows and pigs terribly, but I don’t know about now…”

  Natalie put the faux chicken container away. “No, it’s just that I can’t even remember the last time I was able to digest meat.” She paused for a moment to gaze ahead and reflect. “Oh yes, I do know. It was a holiday meal at school a couple of years ago. They were serving steak and I got so violently ill that I thought I was going to start harfing up internal organs.”

  Suella nearly dropped the mustard knife she was holding. “Natalie! Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Her eyes widened for a moment, surprised by her mother’s reaction, but she quickly toned herself down back to casual. “Well I wasn’t eating much meat anyway. It was probably a shock to my system and my body revolted on me for it. I decided it was nothing to worry you about.”

  Suella couldn’t believe that her daughter was so casual about the whole thing, setting out plates and napkins as if they were discussing the weather. “But that’s a major change,” she said. “Shouldn’t we have told Dr. Allende about that?”

  Natalie froze and her shoulders stiffened. She exhaled with enough force to riffle the ends of her hair. “Mom, that’s your answer for everything! Those people already know too much about me. I don’t even think I can fart without someone taking note of it somewhere.” She turned away and started walking toward the other room.

  “But we want you to be healthy as possible and live as long as possible. Don’t you see?”

  She was about to respond when suddenly a series of tones twinkled in the air. A moment later the apartment front door swished open and David appeared. Natalie’s features instantly softened and her shoulders relaxed. She cooed a greeting to him and floated across the floor to hug and kiss him.

  Suella watched them from behind. David looked down at her sheepishly, as if she’d walked in on them naked and in the middle of an act. “Hello Mrs. Worthy,” he said. “It’s so nice to see you.”

  They had set out plates on the countertop to put matzo wraps together but it suddenly dawned on Suella that they had nowhere to sit and eat, unless they all wanted to stand while eating lunch. David extracted what at first looked like a board from the main closet. Quickly, she realized that it was one of those telescoping-leg tables she’d heard about. He unfolded it once and the legs sprouted downward, then he placed the table in front of the daybed couch. Suella and Natalie would sit there while David rolled a task chair in from the bedroom.

  At first they discussed the goings-on at David’s school. He spoke about a professor for one of his courses, who’d come from the Middle East and lectured with a staccato accent that made him struggle to understand him. Between bursts of his conversation, he chomped down on the matzo wraps lustfully and greedily, though at least he had the good manners to keep his mouth closed while he chewed.

  Suella studied David while the three of them conversed. It was the old familiar saw: Natalie had come from her, hadn’t she? And wouldn’t that mean that she would have the same tastes, the same personal style? Would she have fallen in love with David? He spoke with a smooth, confident style, fluttering his hands gracefully to help drive home his points. His dark, soulful eyes and clear tanned skin caused a twinge in her that she recognized as a hormonal physical attraction.

  So yes, she could imagine herself falling in love with David.

  Natalie made tea in one of those kettles that heated the water chemically through some type of reaction hidden within the double walled vessel. Moments after the whistle she brought steaming cups of aloe-mint blend tea for them to enjoy at the end of their meal. Now, when they were all comfortable and full would be the best time to bring up one of her current concerns. She said “Say, have you kids thought about getting married?”

  David and Natalie stopped drinking, looked at each other and put down their cups. She said “Mom, we want to stay together because we love each other, and not just because some piece of paper from the state of California says we should.”

  Suella laughed nervously in response. “Well, there’s more to it than that, honey. It’s a neat way for you to proclaim your love for each other to the world. Besides, like it or not, the institution of marriage carries with it some good tax benefits. Especially if you’ve got a little one coming.”

  David looked down, suddenly looking ashamed. “My mom and dad say that I should wait until my training finishes.”

  Which, Suella knew, was at least two years down the road. She leaned forward to them and measured her words carefully before continuing. “Your baby deserves to know that her mother and father have made the ultimate commitment to each other.”

  For a moment, both David and Natalie looked back at her with pained concern coming from their eyes. In the next instant, Natalie picked up her teacup and changed the subject to baby gear shopping.