Take a Moment

by Nina Kaye

  ‘I… err… gosh, Dom, this is a bit out of nowhere.’

  His smile wavers slightly. ‘I know it’s a surprise, and I wondered myself whether I should do this so soon. But I figured as we were engaged before, we should pick up where we left off. I so badly want to marry you, kitten.’

  I bite my bottom lip nervously, my eyes starting to sting from the horribly conflicting mix of emotions at play. ‘I get it, Dom. I really do. This is all so lovely, and that ring is incredible. It’s just that… we haven’t actually discussed any of the issues that broke us up. Sure, we’ve both had time to take in my diagnosis and settle our emotions over it, but does that mean we’ll be able to pick up where we left off before all that?’

  ‘Why would we not be able to?’

  Dom’s starting to look hurt and I can’t really blame him. He gets up from the floor, closes the ring box and sits back in his seat. I think carefully about my next words.

  ‘One of the things I realised after we broke up was that we always avoided the hard stuff, and that was without my diagnosis in the mix. I honestly don’t think it’s as simple as picking up where we left off. Plus…’ I shift uncomfortably in my seat and Dom spots this straight away.

  ‘You want to keep dating this other guy. Shit, I don’t believe this. I’m too late, aren’t I? Two months ago and it would have been a totally different situation.’

  ‘Perhaps.’ I reach across and put a reassuring hand on his arm. ‘I’m not saying never, Dom. It’s just that my life has been a blinking rollercoaster these last months. When we broke up, you just had to deal with our break-up. I had to deal with that and losing my sense of identity. That’s something you can never fully understand until it happens to you.’

  Dom takes a deep breath and exhales loudly. ‘I never thought about it like that. Sorry, kitten, I thought I was doing the right thing. I really meant every word.’

  ‘I know you did. And I particularly appreciated the “in sickness and health” part. Though perhaps the wedding vows were a little premature.’ I let out an awkward chuckle. ‘I just need some time to wrap my head around all of this—’

  ‘And to figure out whether it’s me or this other guy.’

  I grimace. ‘Don’t. Please. You make it sound so grubby. Just give me some time, yeah?’

  Dom shrugs defeatedly. ‘I don’t like it, but it’s only fair. All I can do is hope this bloke is someone you need to get out your system, like I did with the women I dated.’

  ‘Thank you. I realise that’s a difficult request to agree to.’ I smile appreciatively, then raise a suspicious eyebrow. ‘Just how many women were there?’

  ‘Three. But not one of them a patch on you. Don’t keep me waiting too long, yeah?’

  I take his hand and squeeze it. ‘I won’t. I promise. I have far too much respect for you.’

  Chapter 25

  Monday morning arrives and despite my being emotionally and physically exhausted from the events of the weekend, it’s a welcome distraction going back to work. Today is the start of my leadership programme – three intense days of workshops – something my career-focused mind has been looking forward to. Before heading to the conference room where the welcome session is taking place, I swing by my desk to grab my completed pre-work.

  ‘Good weekend?’ Emmanuel’s head peers over the PC screen opposite as I perch on my chair and unlock my desk drawer.

  ‘Yes, thanks. Not as relaxing as I’d hoped though. How was yours?’

  Emmanuel eyes me for a moment. It’s clear she’s tuned in to the slightly forced tone in my voice, but she sticks to answering my question. ‘I had a lovely weekend, thank you. My sister flew in from the US – she emigrated there a long time ago – and we had a great catch-up over wine and sushi. Haven’t seen her in three years.’

  ‘Sounds like it was well overdue.’

  ‘It really was. Anyway, Alex, there’s something I need to tell you before—’

  She’s interrupted by Danielle, who sweeps into the office and plonks her stuff on her desk noisily.

  ‘Urgh. Morning all. Don’t you just hate being guilted by homeless people all the time? I passed three of them on my way here. Three. All of them asking me for money. I work hard for my salary. They should try doing the same.’

  Danielle’s words rattle through me like a pinball and I shoot Emmanuel a look that loosely translates as ‘she is so out of order’. Emmanuel nods in silent confirmation.

  ‘Do they have so many people on the streets in Glasgow, Alex?’ Danielle asks me. ‘I feel like we’re awash.’

  I grit my teeth to be sure I give a measured response. ‘Homelessness is a problem all over the UK, Danielle. And it’s not an issue caused by laziness. You’re smart enough to realise that.’

  ‘Huh, sure.’ She sniffs, not accepting my view at all.

  Grabbing my pre-work and my bag, I excuse myself from the conversation so I can get to my session on time.

  ‘Are you heading to the conference room now, Alex?’ Danielle asks. ‘Wait for me, I’ll chum you.’

  I stop dead. Danielle’s coming to the leadership event? Surely not. I slowly turn, catching Emmanuel’s eye as I do. She mouths ‘I’ll explain later’, face full of apology. Taking a deep breath, I offer Danielle as genuine a smile as I can muster.

  ‘Sure. I didn’t know you were on the programme.’

  ‘It’s not really been public knowledge.’ Danielle joins me and we walk out of the office together. ‘I didn’t want to boast about being one of the company’s future leaders. You know how it is.’

  ‘I sure do.’ But you most definitely don’t, I think to myself. So, what’s really going on here?

  * * *

  The morning passes quickly and despite Danielle being irritatingly domineering in the group conversations, I find I’m able to filter her out and focus on the quality conversations with the other like-minded colleagues in the room. That is, with the exception of the introductions stage, when we’re sharing a bit about ourselves, including our hobbies. This is where Danielle decides to tell the group that she and I are both avid runners, and suggests we all go for a run at lunchtime the next day to help us gel as a group. As the responses of ‘why not’ and ‘sounds fun’ reverberate around the group, I have to resurrect my fantasy injury as an excuse, which unfortunately allows Danielle to sit back smugly with a look of ‘I knew it’ plastered across her face.

  When we break for lunch, I make sure I shake off Danielle before returning to the office to seek out Emmanuel.

  ‘How did Danielle end up on the course?’ I whisper to her, hunkered down at her desk.

  ‘Let’s take a walk.’ Emmanuel gets up and ushers me out of the office.

  We walk along the corridor of the main floor until we find an empty meeting room and duck inside. Emmanuel closes the door behind us.

  ‘I am so sorry, Alex. This is not my doing, I promise you.’

  ‘So, who’s “doing” is it?’ I’m unable to hide my frustration.

  ‘I was told this morning. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I trust you and I think it’s important you understand what’s going on. It seems her father has finally succeeded in bending the ear of the chief exec. I’m not happy about it. It undermines my role as a leader and this is not what this company is meant to be about.’

  My blood feels like it’s at boiling point and I want to scream with frustration. ‘She doesn’t demonstrate any of the key behaviours in the leadership framework. Also, I thought the programme was only open to staff at my level and above. She’s a grade below.’

  ‘I agree, and it is. But strings have been pulled here. The one saving grace is that, because she’s at a more junior grade, the chief exec has been clear that she’s only to benefit from the development at this stage. She won’t be up for consideration for any of the leadership positions on offer at the end of it.’

  ‘I suppose that’s something. But it’s still unfair to everyone else who works their backsides off. Sorry, I know
I’m probably overstepping things here, but it’s just not right.’

  ‘Do not apologise.’ Emmanuel takes a seat opposite me and looks me square in the eye. ‘You have every right to feel this way, Alex, and you’re not the only one who does. As you know, Felix was really keen to get on the programme. You can imagine how he’s feeling this morning.’

  ‘Of course, yeah. Perhaps I should shut up then. At least I’m on it. He deserves it a hundred times more than she does.’

  ‘You don’t need to “shut up”. The fact that you care so deeply about this shows me – even more – that you’re exactly the right person to be on the programme. My advice: forget she’s there and take everything you can from it. Do not let Danielle get in the way of your career opportunities.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I don’t intend to.’

  ‘That’s the spirit.’ Emmanuel gives me a supportive pat on the arm. ‘Now, have you time for a spot of lunch?’

  * * *

  By the time the day is over, my mind is jangling with business jargon, strategic challenges and snippets of leadership theory. I can tell it’s going to be a great programme – even with Danielle attempting to hog the limelight and show how amazing she is at every possible opportunity. The rest of the group have cottoned on to her pretty fast, and her suggested team-bonding run has already fallen by the wayside. They didn’t want to leave anyone out: me and one of the others, who declared that the words ‘running’ and ‘fun’ should never feature in the same sentence. So we’re going for lunch together instead.

  As I’m walking home, I pull my phone out of my coat pocket and see to my delight that I’ve received a message from Matt.

  How was your Monday? Already feels like days since I’ve seen you. Can you cope with a midweek date? Or is your leadership thing too full on this week? x

  My immediate instinct is to put him off. I’m overtired and that leaves me vulnerable. But I’m already dying to see him again too. The fizzy, whirly feeling in my stomach every time I think about him is like a withdrawal. I need my Matt fix – and I can’t wait until Friday to get it.

  I make myself wait until I’ve arrived at my apartment before I text him back. Then as I flop onto my bed, I tap out a reply.

  My Monday was good, thanks. The programme seems like it will be really interesting. How was yours? Reckon I can cope with a midweek date. xx

  I lie back and close my eyes, but his reply is almost instant.

  Wednesday work for you? I have something in mind. You can leave the rest to me. x

  He has something in mind? Not only does this have me immediately intrigued, I’m impressed by his proactivity. Then the nervousness that he’ll choose something active and I won’t be able to keep up kicks in. I just have to hope my phantom injury will deter him from that.

  Wednesday’s great. Any hints as to what you have in mind? xx

  He replies with a simple ‘wait and see’ and a winky face. Chuckling to myself, I toss my phone across the bed out of reach, banish the guilty thoughts of Dom that are trying to hijack my mind and close my eyes again.

  After a brief, reinvigorating catnap, I make myself a quinoa salad with feta and pomegranate seeds, then stick the TV on. I’m about to put on a new drama that everyone’s been raving about on Twitter when my phone lights up beside me, signalling a call from Sasha.

  ‘Hi you,’ I greet her as I hit the answer button. ‘Boy, have I got something to tell you.’

  ‘Can iv ait.’ A loud sob comes down the line. I switch off the TV to give her my full attention.

  ‘Sash? What’s up?’ Realisation hits me. ‘You’ve done it, haven’t you?’

  There’s a deafening honk and I can’t decide whether it’s Sasha blowing her nose or an attempt at a response.

  ‘Sash? Talk to me.’

  Another goose-like honk blares through my eardrum and this time it’s clear that it’s actually her trying to speak.

  ‘OK, let’s get you calmed down. Take some deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Do it with me. In… and out.’

  It takes several attempts and more bird-like tones, but Sasha does eventually manage to compose herself enough to give me a few fractured sentences.

  ‘Was going to… the weekend… chickened out… she called me… why avoiding… her.’

  ‘So, you had it out with her over the phone?’

  ‘No… after work… tried to deny it… lied to my face… stormed out.’

  I massage my forehead in consternation. It was bad enough for Sasha having to do this, but the fact that her mum didn’t respect her enough to be honest or show any level of remorse is another thing altogether.

  ‘Sash, that’s really shit. I’m so sorry. But you know what, there is a positive here.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘If she’d been full of apologies and saying she’d change, begging for your forgiveness and all, you’d be torn, wouldn’t you? You’d feel a responsibility to support her as she got back on the right track. Then she’d probably just let you down again. Am I right?’

  There’s a trumpeting noise at the other end of the phone as Sasha blows her nose. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘I’m right, Sash. Because sorry to say it but that’s how people who cheat behave. It might be too early for you to hear this, but if that’s how she’s going to be, you’re absolutely better off with her out of your life.’

  ‘But she’s my mum, Lex.’

  ‘I know. But even parents can let us down.’ Didn’t I just know it.

  ‘I guess. You’re right, Lex. You’re always right.’ Sasha lets out a shuddering sigh.

  ‘I’m not always right. I get things wrong just like the next person, especially when it comes to my own life. But I’m pragmatic and I see a huge opportunity for you in this. It’s time for you to be a bit selfish and follow your dreams – whatever they might be.’

  There’s a sniffle from the other end of the phone. ‘Actually, I kind of already am… I have an interview for a job in Birmingham.’

  ‘What?’ I’m elated to hear this. ‘I thought you were going to start applying after you spoke to your mum.’

  ‘I was. But I set up a job feed a few weeks ago and something suitable came through it within a few days. I figured I had nothing to lose by putting my CV across to them.’

  ‘Sash, that’s amazing. Well done, you. That’s the first step. When is it? You can stay with me.’

  ‘Next Tuesday. It’s actually a videophone interview. They were keen that I didn’t have to face any unnecessary costs.’

  ‘Even better. That’s how mine worked too. Oh, good luck. I’m totally rooting for you.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Sasha doesn’t sound half as enthusiastic as I am, but how could I expect her to right now?

  ‘You’ll be all right, Sash. I promise. It will be hard but time and eventually distance will make things easier. I’ll look after you, just like you’ve done for me.’

  ‘You’ve no idea how much that means to me, Lex.’ Her voice starts to wobble, so I quickly deploy a distraction technique to stop her losing her composure again.

  ‘Want to hear something ridiculous?’

  ‘Always. What’s your news?’

  Stretching out on my sofa, I quickly fill her in on the events of the weekend.

  ‘Lex, what the hell?’ she cries once I’m done. ‘What are you going to do? Can’t believe Dom just turned up like that.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  ‘He’s such a great guy. Solid husband material. But Matt’s totally delicious too.’

  I moan in despair. ‘See my problem?’

  ‘Wish the only problem I had was two amazing guys fighting over me.’

  I wince at this but decide not to indulge Sasha’s negativity to keep her in the better frame of mind she’s managed to get to.

  ‘Technically it’s a one-sided fight. Only Dom knows he has competition. Kind of thinking Matt doesn’t need to know anything right now, it’s such early days. Is that wrong?�
�

  ‘No, I don’t think so. Though I wouldn’t take it too much further without being up front. If you end up with Matt, you don’t want this lurking in the background, growing big wiry horns.’

  ‘That’s sound advice. Thanks, Sash.’ I expel a troubled sigh. ‘That means I potentially have two unpleasant things I’ll have to reveal to him at some point. Maybe I should cut my losses now and just get back with Dom…’

  ‘No, don’t. I love Dom to bits, but I want you to choose the man that’s right for you. You helped me see that I had to do something difficult to get to the right outcome. Now it’s time for you to do the same.’

  ‘I guess you’re right. I should heed my own advice.’

  We chat a bit longer, keeping the focus on the possibilities for Sasha’s new life here in Birmingham, and then say good night. I’m about to switch the TV back on when I realise I haven’t heard anything from Dom. He’s probably giving me space, but I feel the need to check in with him, especially as he came all the way down here. I compose and send a quick WhatsApp message.

  That you home now? Hope your journey was OK. Thanks again for the lovely dinner. I’ll be in touch soon, I promise. xx

  I can see that he reads it immediately. He types a response.

  Hi kitten. Yes, home and settled. Missing your beautiful face already. Dx

  I smile at his message, then feel a pang of sadness as my mind flicks through happy memories of our relationship – our first date, the moment he told me he loved me, the day he proposed on the Rialto Bridge during our trip to Venice. It all seemed so perfect until everything changed. I miss you too, Dom. I didn’t think I did but I really do. So why is that not enough for me to sign up to a future together right now?

  Chapter 26

  The week flies in as expected and by the time my Wednesday evening date with Matt comes round, I’m filled with heady excitement and anticipation for where he’s taking me. All I know is he’s picking me up outside at 6:30 p.m. – and thankfully, he hasn’t suggested I wear any active gear.