Take a Moment

by Nina Kaye

  ‘“Take a Moment”.’ Sammy nods thoughtfully. ‘I get it. Love it. How does it go?’

  They’re all looking at me expectantly. My first instinct is to shy away from the attention, then I remember that I’m a lead vocalist now. I need to step up. I take a stomach-expanding breath and tentatively start to sing, in a very light melody.

  We grow up unassuming, we grow up unaware

  We live in a world where too many people, they don’t care

  Take a look around you, tell me what you see

  Illness, conflict, suffering, too much poverty…

  Sammy joins in and I’m amazed by how quickly his ear tunes in to the song. He lets me take the lead where there’s a change of direction he can’t anticipate, but otherwise it’s like we’re singing a perfectly rehearsed duet.

  Then stop, take a moment to reflect, make sure you have it noted

  You’ve made a selfless gesture in a world where self-indulgence is promoted…

  As we sing out the chorus and come to a finish with an enthusiastic high-five, Sasha and Matt break into rapturous applause.

  ‘That was awesome, Alex.’ Sammy grins at me broadly.

  ‘It was,’ I reply. ‘Not really the type of music the band does though.’

  ‘It’s not totally on point. But it shows you can write lyrics as well. We’ll definitely need to tap into that.’

  ‘Is there any end to your talents?’ Matt puts his arm round me and squeezes me affectionately.

  I make a show of laughing bashfully, but the washing machine in my stomach is back on spin cycle in pure undiluted anticipation of the conversation I need to have with him the next day.

  Chapter 29

  I wake early on Sunday, the nervous churning in my stomach having continued right through a restless night. Matt is still asleep, arm draped across me. I lie and watch him drowsily for a few minutes, just taking in his gorgeous features. Even with his incredible dark chocolate eyes hidden by his slumber, he’s still so good to look at, and only I get to see him first thing in the morning.

  Gently extricating myself from his hold, I get out of bed and pad through to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I illuminate my phone to check the time and it informs me that I have a WhatsApp message from Dom.

  Lex, I’m so sorry for the way I spoke to you last night. I’d had a few too many and it all came as a shock. My friends didn’t say that, not ones that I hold in any high regard anyway. Really hoped you would choose me but I respect your decision, even if I don’t like it. Dx

  A swell of emotion surges within me, along with the familiar feeling of loss that’s hung around me like an annoying fly for several months now. Though I’m moving on and it’s been the right decision, I’m still not totally over Dom. His reappearing in my life like this hasn’t helped. I swipe at my tearing eyes and quickly tap out a reply.

  No, I’m sorry, Dom. It was insensitive of me to do that when you were out with your friends. I should have waited and called you today. Take care of yourself. You’re an amazing guy and you deserve the absolute best. xx

  I hit send and place my phone on the counter top. Within moments, it buzzes a reply.

  The absolute best is you. :( Dx

  ‘Oh, please stop it,’ I inadvertently murmur out loud.

  ‘Stop what?’ Matt’s voice comes from behind me.

  I quickly lock my phone and turn to greet him. ‘Oh, you’re awake.’

  ‘I sure am.’ He slips his arms round my waist and pulls me to him. ‘It’s a bit early though, isn’t it? How about we go back to bed and have a rerun of last night?’

  As he says this, a delicious memory of the night before runs through my mind: Matt’s strong arms around me, the feeling of skin on skin. That certainly diverted my attention from the looming conversation of today. But now the sun is up, I just want to get it over with.

  ‘Sounds lovely.’ I reach up and kiss him. ‘But I need to talk to you… about the stuff I mentioned last night.’

  ‘Right.’ He looks wary all of a sudden. ‘Can I grab some coffee first?’

  ‘I’ll get you it.’

  I make our drinks, then bring them across to the coffee table. Matt scootches along the sofa and I settle down beside him.

  ‘Matt, how would you define us?’ I ask him suddenly.

  He raises a quizzical eyebrow. ‘I thought you had something to tell me. This sounds more like “the talk”.’

  ‘Please humour me. I need to know before I continue.’

  ‘OK… well, I’d say we’re seeing each other. It’s early days but I’m keen for it to go somewhere. I haven’t “staked my claim” yet, if that’s what you’re asking?’

  I swallow nervously. He’s astute. Already cottoned on to the idea that there may be another bloke in the mix.

  ‘I… yes, I guess that is what I’m asking. OK, good. Think we’re pretty aligned on that.’

  He stays quiet, so I continue.

  ‘When I was on the phone last night, it was to my ex-fiancé. He wants to get back together. He came down here a few weeks ago to tell me and I was left with a really difficult decision.’

  ‘Because you’d only just started seeing me, and he’s someone you know inside out.’ He wrinkles his nose. ‘Hmm, wish I hadn’t put it quite like that.’

  I clear my throat to stifle a giggle. ‘Yes, well, that’s pretty much the picture and I’ve been really confused.’

  ‘Why did you break up? You never said before.’

  This question cuts through me so sharply I can almost feel the slice. My stomach bubbles with nausea. This is it. I have to tell him about my MS and once I do, I know he’ll never look at me the same again. I take a deep breath, feeling a trembling to my core that quickly extends down my arms right to my fingers.

  ‘We… we broke up because… because… we weren’t seeing eye to eye and we never addressed the important stuff. Then it all crept up on us before we could deal with it.’

  It’s out my mouth before I can stop myself. I can almost see my ‘untruth’ hanging in the air, taunting me for being such a coward. It’s not a complete lie: those elements did factor in my break-up with Dom. I’ve just omitted the catalyst that brought them to light. Now I have one chance to correct myself and tell the full truth.

  ‘It happens.’ Matt shrugs, and it’s clear he’s not going to probe further. He’s too respectful for that. ‘So, you’re either about to tell me that you’ve chosen to work through these biggies with him, or you’ve decided to take a chance on a Brummie lad.’

  ‘You’re not angry?’ I ask, bewildered.

  ‘Why would I be angry? You had a decision to make, you’ve clearly made it, and now you’re about to communicate the outcome. As an engineering professional, I’m quite satisfied with that process. Nice and logical.’

  He casually reaches over, picks up his coffee and takes a slug.

  ‘Right.’ I rub my forehead absently. ‘So, just to check, you’re not mad that I was sort of seeing my ex at the same time as you?’

  ‘I don’t really see it that way, Alex. I’ve said that I hope there’s a future for us, but I’m also aware that it’s early days, so I don’t have any right to take issue with it.’

  ‘Does that mean you’ve been dating other women?’

  ‘No. One at a time is more than enough for me.’

  I’m so relieved to hear this, I almost forget I’ve left out the most important part of the conversation.

  ‘So, are you going to tell me whether I’m in or out?’

  ‘Yes. Sorry, I…’ My stomach lurches uncomfortably, as if giving me a telling-off for not being totally honest, but I just can’t do it right now. ‘It’s you, Matt. I want to see where this can go too. I told Dom – my ex – that I didn’t want to get back together. He didn’t take it so well.’

  ‘I bet he didn’t. Look, I’m sorry you had to work your way through that, and I feel bad for your ex, but I’m so glad you’ve chosen me.’

  He reaches for my hand
and threads his fingers through mine, his brown eyes clearly conveying the feelings he’s described having for me.

  ‘I am too.’ I firmly shut out my nagging conscience.

  ‘Does that mean we’re a proper couple then?’

  ‘I guess it does.’

  ‘Well, in that case…’ Matt leaps to his feet and scoops me up, grinning like a kid who’s won the biggest teddy at the fair ‘…it’s definitely time for round two. If that’s OK with you?’ he adds, and I laugh as he kisses my nose and heads straight for the bedroom.

  * * *

  ‘You didn’t tell him?’ Sasha squeaks in disbelief. ‘But, Lex, why? That was your big opportunity.’

  It’s three in the afternoon after a lazy morning in bed with Matt. He’s now away scaling a ‘small’ hill (apparently racing against the sunset), while I’m in Grand Central with Sasha hearing about her fruitless apartment viewings. We’re also enjoying a late lunch together before she takes the train back to Glasgow.

  ‘I know that, Sash. I missed it. No. I totally avoided it. Couldn’t bear for his view of me to change. And it would, there’s no “maybe” in that.’

  Sasha looks genuinely pained as she grabs at her noodles with her chopsticks, letting out a huff of frustration as all but one slither back onto her plate.

  ‘You want a fork?’ I ask.

  ‘No. I’m going to learn. I’m not taking the easy way out of anything any more.’

  ‘That’s good, Sash, but you’ve been at it for ages and you’ve barely eaten any. If you don’t admit defeat, you’ll be making a choice between your new approach to life and your train home.’

  ‘OK, fine. But I’m going to practise.’

  ‘You do that.’ I hand her a fork from the cutlery holder on our table.

  ‘Anyway, we were talking about you. I know you don’t want Matt to see you differently, but you can’t hold this back for ever. The longer you leave it, the more you risk the relationship.’

  ‘You think I don’t know all this?’ I sink the last of my coconut water. ‘I was shaking and I went onto autopilot. I literally couldn’t tell him. One of the biggest problems between Dom and me was that he mollycoddled me, he couldn’t see past my condition. With Dom, I’m the girl with MS; with Matt, I’m me.’

  ‘And you worry that it will go that way with Matt when you tell him.’

  ‘That’s if he sticks around long enough for me to find out.’

  ‘I do get it, Lex. But you’re now in a relationship that’s not open and honest. Leave it much longer and you’ll definitely lose him.’

  I sigh heavily. ‘I know. OK, let’s stop focusing on my mess and talk about your hot date with Sammy this morning. How was it?’

  Her expression immediately turns dreamy. ‘It was amazing. He’s so bouncy and full of life. Such a sweetheart too.’

  ‘It’s like you’re describing your mirror image.’

  ‘You know, we are kind of similar. Apart from the band thing. I can’t believe I went on a date with the lead guitarist in a band.’

  ‘And now you’re having lunch with the lead vocalist.’

  ‘Right? It’s just so cool, this whole band thing. I want to be a proper groupie. Sooo can’t wait to move down here. Sammy’s already offered to help me move.’

  ‘Wow, he is a fast mover. Though as he was imagining your children two minutes after I introduced you, not sure why I’m surprised.’

  Sasha beams and turns scarlet. It’s so good to see her happy.

  ‘Did you kiss?’ I ask.

  Her expression deepens to a shade of beetroot. ‘We did.’

  ‘It’s OK. Matt and I kiss too. It’s what grown-ups do.’

  ‘Stop it, Lex.’

  Chuckling, I say, ‘I’m sorry. I’m done. Promise.’

  Sasha purses her lips and looks at me as if she wants to say something but is unsure.

  ‘What is it, Sash? You can talk to me about anything, you know that.’

  Sasha squirms a little in her seat. ‘I was actually just wondering… you know how you suffer from that fatigue and can’t do much by way of exercise…’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Well… how do you… you know, do the deed with Matt without your symptoms getting in the way?’

  I let out a snorting laugh as I take in Sasha’s cringing, mortified-but-not-enough-to-not-ask-the-question face.

  ‘Let’s just say that good sex doesn’t need to resemble a gyrating Duracell bunny.’

  ‘Right. Good.’ Sasha’s now so red her face is almost indistinguishable from her hair.

  ‘Shall we go?’ I grin.

  ‘Yes, please.’

  Chapter 30

  The next day, I’m back in the office, dragging myself around due to an unexpected worsening of my fatigue, my head thick and woolly. My walk to work felt more like a climb, despite the gentleness of the gradient, and I’m a bit clammy, even just sitting in the ambient temperature of the boardroom. It’s another of my leadership programme events – a group development day with my fellow participants – so I’m determined to ignore my symptoms and make the most of it.

  ‘Morning, all,’ Terrence, our programme facilitator, greets us. ‘Today we’re going to get our first sense of your practical leadership skills. You’ll be split into three groups and each team is going to take on a real-life business challenge. You’ll work on this throughout the day, then we’ll bring you back together later to present your ideas to John Chambers, your company’s chief exec.’

  ‘Sounds like The Apprentice.’ Danielle’s eyes light up in enthusiasm, which I notice triggers some eye-rolling around the room.

  ‘It’s not quite as glamorous, I’m afraid, but I guess there are some similarities – we do have our own Karren and Claude, so to speak. I’ll be introducing you to them shortly, and I’ll be observing the third team myself. This is to provide us with a benchmark for your progress, so please behave as you would normally. It’s about leaders with a small “l” – which means there’s no need to battle to be team leader.’

  A murmur goes around the room as we digest this information.

  ‘I cannot wait for this,’ Danielle declares.

  The rest of us simply share a look of ‘which poor bastards are going to end up in a team with her’.

  ‘Right, you four will be one team.’ Terrence points at members of the group randomly. ‘You… one, two, three, four, will be another, which means those of you who are left will form the final team.’

  There are subtle gasps of relief as the members of the first two teams gather together. My heart sinks as I realise that as one of the remaining five, I’m in the same team as Danielle.

  ‘Alex, we’re in the same team – again.’ She flashes me her signature fake smile as we take a seat together. ‘So glad we’re working together on this.’

  ‘Yeah, great.’ I mirror her in response.

  The other three unlucky members of our group reluctantly drag their chairs across to us.

  ‘Hey,’ I greet them sombrely.

  ‘Hey,’ they murmur in unison.

  ‘You lot are cheery,’ Danielle huffs, glancing around enviously at the other, more enthusiastic and animated, groups.

  ‘Everything all right over here?’ Terrence pulls up a chair to join us.

  ‘This lot are a bit lacking in get-go,’ Danielle complains. ‘I mean, what kind of team name would describe this set-up? The Dullards? Maybe you should disperse them around the teams.’

  Myself and the others freeze, and I can tell we’re all feeling the same mix of emotions – shock that she’d actually say that out loud, and mild offence at being described as ‘dullards’. Unlike Danielle, Terrence seems to have picked up on exactly what’s going on.

  ‘Perhaps they just need some creative brainstorming to get them going, Danielle. Best not to judge up front.’

  ‘Huh.’ She sits back and folds her arms. ‘No way we’re going to win this task then.’

  Terrence gives her a warm smile. ‘It’s n
ot a competition. This is simply about getting a measure of your leadership skills as part of a team dynamic. Leadership with a small “l”, remember? Think I’ll shadow you five today. How about that?’

  All we can muster in response are a collection of unenthusiastic shrugs.

  ‘Right, come on then.’ He ups his positivity in an attempt to bring us round. ‘Alex, Danielle, why don’t you be the first to select your team challenge? There are three different scenarios pinned to the whiteboard. Have a read and decide between you which challenge your group will take on today.’

  We obediently get to our feet and head to the whiteboard. As we do, Danielle mutters something under her breath. My first instinct is to ignore her, but as we’re going to have to work together, whether we like it or not, I decide I need to make some sort of effort.

  ‘You OK?’ I ask.

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing.’

  ‘You sure? Problem shared and all.’

  We start to read through the scenarios on the whiteboard, but Danielle clearly can’t help herself.

  ‘I was just thinking…’ She lowers her voice. ‘This room, it’s not very reflective of the society we live in, is it?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I wonder if she’s going to come out with something truly insightful for once.

  ‘Look around you. There’s almost as many people on this programme from ethnic backgrounds as there are who would tick “White British” on a form.’

  ‘Sorry… what?’

  ‘I’m not being racist or anything. It’s just that this whole equality thing seems to be going too far. Take the demographic breakdown of the UK: the majority of people are still white, yet about half this room is not.’

  Danielle raises her eyebrows in a gesture of ‘just look around and you’ll see’, and then fixes her attention on the challenges pinned to the board by different coloured magnets.