Uh oh. A determined Ethan could only mean trouble. “Um, I think we should just go back to being friends. It’s the safest bet.” That way neither one of them would get hurt and their relationship wouldn’t be irreparably damaged by another failed attempt at forever.
“I thought you weren’t interested in playing it safe anymore?” He crossed his arms and fixed her with a challenging stare, daring her to look away. “What happened to that little speech you gave about living in the moment and having a little fun?”
“That was before I realized…” How easy it would be to fall in love with you again.
“What?” He nudged her leg with the toe of his boot. “Come on, Gracie. Let’s hear about this epiphany of yours. What made you realize that having a little fun with me was a bad idea?”
“You’re not just some random guy,” she said, wishing he were. “I can’t pretend we never had a… thing.”
He smiled. “It’s a good thing I’m not just some random guy. Because in spite of your claim that you want to spice things up, you couldn’t have done the things you did with me in that car with a stranger. We both know that.”
Damn it, he was right. More proof she didn’t need that he knew her too well.
“Ugh!” She groaned, covering her face with her hands. “This is so frustrating! One minute we’ve got this sorted out, and the next minute I’m right back where I started, confused as hell about you.”
“There’s only one way to get clarity, you know.” At her questioning look, he said, “Spend more time with me.”
“Where would that get us?” More time together would lead to more sex, more passion, more emotion, more confusion… and more heartbreak.
“You said you want to get clear about what you want, right?”
“I am clear about what I want.” Or at least she had been last night. Today her mind was as murky as it had been before. What the hell was wrong with her? She wasn’t usually so wishy-washy.
He laughed. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”
Seeing him make light of their situation hurt, so she decided to lay it all on the line. “You want the truth? Fine. I’m scared, okay?”
His expression turned somber as he tugged on her hands, pulling her to her feet. When she was settled between his legs, he framed her face with her hands. “You think you’re the only one who’s scared, baby? I’m terrified. You nearly wrecked me last time.”
“I didn’t—”
He silenced her with a kiss before smiling at her bewildered expression. “I know you weren’t the one to end it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I was a mess afterward. I was on the verge of losing it all, and I realized if I didn’t get my head back in the game, I’d have lost you for nothing.”
She hated to think of him hurting, but she didn’t doubt his claim. They’d been too much a part of each other’s lives for either of them to walk away unscathed. “Then why would you want to go there again, when you have so much more to lose if anything distracts you from the game?”
“The game . You know how long it took me to realize that’s exactly what it is? It’s a sport.” He grinned. “Granted, a sport I’m obsessed with, but it’s still just a sport. It’s not life and death.”
She knew with age came wisdom and he was closer to the end of his career than he’d been in college, but it was still incredible to hear him talk this way about the one thing that had once meant more to him than anything.
“I don’t even know what to say to that.” She touched his forehead with the back of her hand. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
He laughed before kissing her again. “I’m feeling great now that you’re back in my arms where you belong. Come on, say you’ll have dinner with me tonight.”
How could she resist? She couldn’t. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind about us. I still think it’s a bad idea for us to get too involved.”
“Then I guess I’ll just have to convince you”—he skimmed his lips over her collarbone—“that getting involved with me is a very, very good idea.”
Chapter Ten
Ethan was sitting across from Gracie at the only upscale steak house in Hillsborough, feeling as he had ten years ago. Nervous. Excited. Lucky as hell to be with her. They’d been interrupted a few times by fans asking for autographs. Some people they knew, others they didn’t, but he tried to be gracious with everyone even though he just wanted to be left alone with Gracie.
“Why’re you looking at me like that?” she asked with a shy smile as she reached for her wine glass.
“Just thinking about how far we’ve come.” He inhaled deeply, remembering the kid with big dreams who swore he’d get that major league contract someday. “Sometimes I feel like I could wake up one day and realize it’s all been a dream.”
She smiled. “Soak up every minute of it. You’ve earned it.”
“It’s so fragile though, ya know?” He leaned forward, curling his hand around his crystal glass. “You know how many times I’ve been out there and watched guys sustain career-ending injuries? Hell, I’ve seen a couple of pitchers take a fastball to the head and thought that was it. The end for them. I waited with the rest of the crowd, holding my breath, praying we’d see him move.”
“Must be rough,” she said softly. “Going out there knowing something you love so much could be taken away from you in a split second.”
Something he loved had been taken from him. Her.
Tonight she was wearing a red wrap dress and nude stilettos. Her hair was swept off her neck, and the only thing he could think about was watching her come undone when he kissed her.
“It’s worth the risk.” He brought the glass to his lips as he whispered, “Just like you.”
She bit her lip before taking a deep swallow of wine. She was on her third glass, and he knew that was because she was trying to let go, surrender, to whatever might happen between them. “You’re braver than I am then.”
“Not really.” Brave would have been coming back for her, fighting for her, not letting her convince him she was in love with another man all those years ago. “If I were all that brave, you and I’d be married by now.”
She sucked in a breath before looking away. “You really believe that?”
“Of course I do.” He picked up her hand and gently kissed it. “It was inevitable. Don’t you think?”
“Marrying you?” Her eyes glided over his face before she nodded. “It’s what I wanted. If you’d asked, I know I would have said yes.”
“I bought a ring.” He could tell she was stunned, and he smiled. “It wasn’t much. I couldn’t afford much back then, but I wanted you to know I was serious about wanting to marry you.”
“When did you—”
“Before I came back to town. The summer after we broke up.”
Understanding dawned as her eyes widened. “You mean when I told you about Joel?”
“Yeah.” He released her hand and leaned back in his chair. Painful memories flooded him as he downed the rest of his scotch. “The ring was burning a hole in my pocket the whole time.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. “I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I believed you when you told me it was him you wanted.” He circled the rim of his empty glass, staring into it. “But it didn’t take me long to realize that was just a lie you were telling yourself. If he was really the guy you wanted to spend your life with, you would have married him a long time ago.”
“You’re right.” Her eyes pleading with him to understand, and she offered a grim smile when he poured the rest of the wine into her glass. “I’ve made so many mistakes. I don’t want to make another one.”
“You will,” he said, shrugging. “So will I. Countless more, I’m sure.”
“But I don’t want to make another mistake with you. I couldn’t handle that.”
He knew how she felt. He felt the same way. They were caught between being
terrified to try again and terrified not to. “I know you have your concerns and they’re legitimate.”
“Concerns? That’s what you call it?” She blew out a frustrated breath as she gestured between them. “Ethan, it’s not just a question of giving your heart to someone who’s already broken it. We could both probably find the courage to do that again. It’s the fact that our lives are going in different directions. Our values are different.”
“No, they’re not.” If they were, he wouldn’t be as committed as he was to finding a way to make it work. “We’ve always wanted the same things. Marriage. Commitment. Friends. Family. Stability. The same things matter to both of us.”
“Yeah, but you have a different end game. A different way of getting there.”
The waiter passed by to ask if they were interested in dessert, and they both declined before Ethan asked for the bill.
“You think I’m so different from the man you used to know. But I think if you gave me half a chance, you’d realize I’m not.”
* * *
Ethan’s words haunted Grace on the way back to her place. Last night she’d gone to bed believing they were on the same page—it was over. They’d agreed to leave the past in the past. But tonight, he’d opened a Pandora’s box. He’d planned to propose to her that night on her porch? If she hadn’t told him about Joel, he would have told her he wanted to marry her. She had a hard time wrapping her head around that.
“What are you thinking?” he asked, reaching for her hand as they pulled up to a stop sign.
“Nothing.”
He grinned, squeezing her hand. “Liar.”
“Okay, fine. I was just thinking about what you said in the restaurant. I can’t believe you were planning to propose to me.”
“Why should that surprise you?” he asked, turning onto her street. “It’s not like we never talked about it.”
“Yeah, but it was going to be later. After I finished college and you got a contract.”
He turned into her driveway. “I knew I had to do something big to convince you that I was sorry, that I’d made a huge mistake breaking up with you.”
“So you thought asking me to marry you was the best way to get me to forgive you?” she asked, frowning.
“No, I just knew I’d have to earn your trust back and I thought that would be easier if we were planning a future together. I already knew by that time that I wanted to marry you. There was no one else for me.”
“But then Issie came along.”
She looked at him out of the corner of her eye and caught him grimace. She didn’t want to bring up a sore subject, but they couldn’t pretend they hadn’t lived a lot in the years they’d been apart. Him more than her, she suspected, imagining all the groupies who’d chased him from one ballpark to the next, hoping to be the chosen one for that night.
“Yeah, much, much later. You’d already been with Joel forever by then.”
She had been with Joel a lot longer than she’d been with Ethan, yet Ethan was the one who remained a part of her. “You had every right to get engaged to someone else. I’m not—”
“No, I didn’t.” He stared straight ahead. “I had no right getting engaged to Issie or anyone else. Not while I still had feelings for you. But I did it because…” He glanced at her. “Because I didn’t think I had a choice. You belonged to someone else, and I was tired of being alone.”
“And by the time Joel and I broke up, you were already engaged to Issie.” She’d broken up with Joel a few weeks before she found out Ethan had gotten engaged.
“Yeah.” He shook his head. “You believe in fate?”
“I’m not sure.” The idea that something beyond her had a hand in her life had always scared her. She wanted to be in control, to make her own decisions. “Do you?”
“Something brought us back here. Now. When we’re both available and—”
“But we’re not available!” Why couldn’t he understand that? If they were both living in the same city, working nine-to-five jobs, seeking the same kind of simple life, it would be easy. Of course she would want to be with Ethan. But that wasn’t the case and there was no point pretending it was. “At least you’re not. You’ve already made a commitment and you have to honor it.”
“Of course I’m going to honor that.” He blew out a breath. “That’s not even a question. But there are plenty of guys on the team who balance their career and their family.”
“Because they have wives or girlfriends willing to follow them wherever they go.”
She felt a little guilty that she wasn’t willing to give up everything for another chance with Ethan. But she wasn’t twenty-one anymore. If it didn’t work out this time, she’d have uprooted her entire life for nothing, and that was a risk she couldn’t take.
“I know it’s not fair that you’d have to make all the sacrifices to be with me. But it wouldn’t always be that way. Once my baseball career is over, we could come back here and build a life together.”
So he was asking her to put her life on hold, not give it up entirely?
“Here’s the thing,” she said, trying to make him see her side. “If things hadn’t gone down the way they did all those years ago, if we didn’t have so much history, maybe I could consider what you’re proposing—”
“So you don’t trust me?” He stared at her, waiting for her to refute his claim, but she couldn’t. “I don’t believe this!” He raked a hand through his hair. “You know me better than most and you can honestly sit there and tell me you can’t take me at my word?”
She hadn’t meant to offend him, but he wasn’t asking for something dispensable, like cash. He was asking for her heart—which he’d already broken once before. “If you were in my position, how would you feel?”
“I’d…” He closed his eyes. “I’d probably feel the way you do.”
She closed her hand over his knee. “Then you understand why—”
“What I understand”—he leaned in so close she could practically taste the scotch on his breath—“is that this attraction isn’t going away.”
He was right about that. If anything, it only intensified the more time they spent together. The logical solution would be to stop spending time together, but she must be a glutton for punishment because she didn’t want that either.
“There has to be a way.” He knotted his hand in her hair, bringing her face to his. “I can’t let you go this time. Not without a fight.”
It was so all-consuming, the hold he had over her. Reason and logic faded away the second he touched her. She wasn’t proud of it, but it was a fact.
“It’s not a matter of fighting for us.” She pressed her lips against his. “It’s a matter of knowing when to let go.”
“It’s not the time to let go,” he argued before brushing his lips across hers. “When it’s time for me to head out to spring training, if you really want me to let you go, if you feel that would make you happy, I’ll do it. But we have tonight. All the next night and the next. We have so many nights before I have to leave. So why the hell would we spend them apart when we want to be together?”
It was a short-term reprieve. They were postponing heartbreak and she knew it. But she’d miss him regardless of when they called an end to it, be it tonight or months from now. So why not chalk up a few more good memories?
“You want to come in?” she asked, knowing the answer. He wanted to come in as much as she wanted him to.
“Don’t think I’m taking this lightly,” he whispered, nuzzling her neck. “This isn’t just for fun. It’s not a diversion to keep me occupied during the off-season. It’s not a rebound thing.” He kissed her neck. “It’s you and me reconnecting in a way I’ve been dreaming about for years.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and let his words sink in. Last time they’d had sex, she’d been riding an adrenaline high, believing he was willing to take a walk on the wild side with her. But this was different. This was real. And it was scary. The kind of risk she s
houldn’t take… but would.
“I want you,” she whispered, brushing her mouth across his jaw. Her lips glided over his ear. “On one condition.”
“Okay.”
“No talk of tomorrow or the next day. No promises. We just take it one day at a time and see where we end up.”
“I can do that.”
* * *
Gracie was laid out on her bed, beckoning him without words as he stripped down for her. As the promises Ethan had made danced in the periphery of his mind, he wondered how he’d ever be able to keep them.
She was his forever. He knew that. He loved her and wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t. He’d been bound and gagged by an arrangement she believed would protect them both. Only it wouldn’t because they’d both be living a lie by acting as though they weren’t thinking about the future.
“Please don’t,” she whispered, reaching for him. “Don’t overthink this. Live in the moment, E. That’s what I need you to do. Just give me this.”
And because he hadn’t been able to keep the old promises he made to her, he knew he had to give her this.
Their kiss was long and slow as his hands trailed down her body, memorizing the things that had changed and those that had remained the same. Her hips and breasts were fuller. Her abdomen and legs were firmer. She had a woman’s body now. A strong, athletic woman who rebuilt her confidence after he’d thoughtlessly shattered it.
“You’re gorgeous,” he said, circling her breasts with his thumbs while she curved her spine, seeking more of his touch. “Even more beautiful than I remember.”
She closed her eyes. “Then you have terrible short-term memory. We were together just a few days ago.”
“Not like this.” That had been hurried and frenzied. He hadn’t had the time to leisurely stroke her body, to relearn all of the sexy little dips and valleys and remind himself where she liked to be caressed. “Not like this,” he repeated, dipping between her legs.
Down the Line (Sports Romance) Page 11