‘Have I forgotten your birthday?’ His hands reached for her hips, pulling her towards him.
‘No, try again.’ She giggled.
‘It’s our anniversary – do we have an anniversary? Two years, is it?’
‘Adam…’ she took a deep breath and steepled her fingers, ‘we’re going to have a baby.’
Max stepped back from her as though she’d thrown ice in his face. ‘I thought you were on the pill?’
‘I am, well, I was, but when I was ill a few weeks ago, we forgot to take precautions.’
‘Are you sure?’ He massaged his brow, his thoughts leaping in all directions.
‘I’ve been to see the doctor this morning to book in with the midwife.’
‘How far…?’
‘I’m ten weeks tomorrow.’
‘And you… want to go ahead?’
‘’Course, why wouldn’t I?’ She crossed her arms high on her chest.
‘Because we didn’t plan it.’ He followed her into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
‘I thought you’d be pleased. I mean, we’re a proper couple now, aren’t we?’
‘It doesn’t mean we’ll be tying the knot, if that’s what you’re fishing for.’ Max took out a Guinness and cracked it open, but it fizzed into his face. ‘Fuck it.’ He wiped his arm over his eyes.
‘Did I even mention getting married?’ She passed him a tea towel and crossed her arms again.
‘You didn’t plan this, did you?’ He wiped his face.
‘Is that what you think of me?’ She swung round, storming into the hall.
‘Okay, so tell me, what are we going to do?’ He shouted after her, pouring the rest of the drink into a pint glass.
She came back in. ‘Keep it, of course. I can’t believe you’re even suggesting… why are you being like this?’
‘It’s a big thing – something people usually plan together.’
‘It hardly ever happens like that,’ she shouted.
‘What, most kids are mistakes, are they? We should’ve been more careful.’
‘Like the first time? Are you saying you wish I hadn’t had Jamie?’ She stood at the sink holding her stomach as though she was about to vomit.
‘You know I didn’t mean that.’ Once upon a time he’d have wanted nothing more than a brother or sister for Jamie, but how would they afford another one? Worst of all, it was another level of betrayal. Jesus, he’d never meant to do any of this to Maddy.
‘What me and Jamie need, and the new baby come to that, is having you around more.’ She stroked her tiny bump. ‘I mean things never get done around here. The garden’s still a tip and Jamie needs somewhere safe to play.’
‘Which I’m doing. Didn’t you see I bought bark to tidy up the borders? Anyway, you should trust him to play out the front or go to the park once in a while.’
‘I don’t think so. Last week, Sharon from number fourteen said some teenagers hanging about the park went up to her Daniel with a flick knife.’
‘But a boy needs some freedom. You can’t keep him locked up. It’s better for him to be a bit streetwise, isn’t it?’
‘I’m telling you it’s not safe out there.’
‘I wonder what your dad would make of that.’ He laughed.
‘Oh, shut up.’
Silence edged between them. Ali took out a pan and started scraping potatoes. She pushed the peelings into the dustbin.
‘Why don’t you use the compost bin for those?’ He scooped the shavings out and opened the back door.
Ali submerged the chopping board in soapy water. ‘Because it’s easier to put them in the bin.’
‘But I’ve moved the compost nearer the back door for that reason. It doesn’t take any more effort.’ He lifted the lid and dumped them in. ‘Do you have to be so wasteful?’
‘If you want to take over the cooking, feel free. I was trying to make us a special meal.’
‘I’m not talking about the cooking. I mean everything. Look at this.’ He pulled an empty can of baked beans and a folded cereal packet out of the rubbish. ‘These can be recycled.’ He pictured Maddy digging compost into the flower beds and the girls having fun threading milk bottle-tops around a wire frame to hang in the apple tree. They were always mending and reusing things. He couldn’t believe how wasteful Ali was, throwing things away without a thought. Spending money like there was an endless pot.
‘Look, we can’t have this baby, Ali.’ He took a swig of Guinness.
‘Give me one decent unselfish reason why not.’ She put her hands on her hips.
‘We can’t afford it for a start. I’ve told you to cut down on shopping, stop buying all your silly knick-knacks, make-up, clothes, boots, shoes and God knows what else. My credit cards can’t take it anymore.’
‘What, getting my hair and nails done or buying decent shoes and clothes is silly, is it?’
‘Can’t you do your nails yourself? Do you need so much stuff?’
‘Stop turning it around to me being the problem.’ She prodded her finger in his arm. ‘What about you? Why can’t you commit yourself to us a hundred per cent?’
‘Why are you arguing again?’ Jamie came in with a noisy Batman on a bike.
‘We’re not. Turn that off,’ Ali snapped.
Max pulled a face at him to let him know that she meant business. Jamie laughed.
‘What’s so funny, laughing behind my back?’
‘We’re not, don’t be so paranoid.’ Max turned the toy upside down and switched it off.
‘You haven’t answered my question.’ She pointed the knife at Max.
‘Mum, when’s dinner? I’m starving?’ Jamie asked.
‘Give him a biscuit,’ Ali said.
‘What, before dinner? Here, have an apple, Jamie.’ Max grabbed one from the bowl and pretended to drop it.
Jamie giggled. ‘Can you cut it up?’
‘Please, say please, Jamie,’ Max said.
‘Please, Daddy.’
‘That’s better.’ Max smiled at him and chopped the apple in quarters. Jamie took it in the living room. ‘Why are you letting him eat rubbish? Then you complain he doesn’t eat his dinner.’
‘One won’t hurt. Anyway, you answer my question.’
‘You know the answer. We talked about this at the start.’
‘Do I, Adam? Do I?’ She was pointing the knife at him again. ‘Sometimes I don’t know you at all. You’re away so often, we hardly see you. Perhaps I should have listened to Dad.’
Max stared at her. She may as well have spat in his face. If that’s what she really thought, maybe she’d made his decision for him. He finished the Guinness and walked out.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Max: July 2019
Max climbed in the front of the minicab while Maddy settled the girls in the back seats. It was going to be a long train journey to London, she told them. He checked round the house one last time. It was strangely quiet without the dogs barking and the children laughing and shouting. He’d dropped the dogs off at the kennels that morning. The only sounds remaining were the fridge and the ticking of the various clocks. He’d grown to love this house, but it wasn’t a home without the four of them in it.
As the train neared Greenwich station, both girls chatted in between him and Maddy. He gazed out of the window at the passing back gardens. Were those people’s lives as complicated as his? He’d told Ali and Jamie he was decorating more houses in Manchester for a couple of days. He’d given up trying to think of new ways to persuade her to have an abortion, and now she was too far gone. Would she really have planned it on purpose? These days she only seemed interested in spending his money, which was fast running out. His last credit card bill was higher than he was ever going to be able to pay back. And if she asked him once more if they were going to get married… He clenched his teeth. He would have, once, long ago, if he could have stayed and been accepted as her boyfriend instead of being driven away by her dad. But then he’d never have met Maddy,
and that was unthinkable.
Maddy was gazing across at the window too, lost in her own thoughts, he guessed. Good, dependable Maddy. The most caring mother and loving wife. What a shit husband he’d turned out to be. She didn’t deserve it. He pressed his fingers to his forehead. Would he ever be able to dig himself out of this mess without hurting everyone?
They got off at Greenwich station and walked to the National Maritime Museum for the special exhibition to mark the fiftieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. He wished his gran could have been there with them. She’d told him how she’d watched it on their neighbour’s new black and white television. How thrilling it was to see it and how she’d become fascinated with the moon for the rest of her life.
‘Exactly fifty years ago today, the first man walked on the moon,’ he told Emily and Chloe as they went in, ‘and your great gran watched it on television as it happened. Isn’t that amazing? My dad was just a little boy.’
‘You’ve told us a zillion times, Daddy,’ Emily said and both girls giggled.
‘Well, I’m excited.’ He laughed.
‘We can tell,’ Maddy said, threading her arm through his. The girls sat in front of them on a bench, watching a video of a total eclipse of the moon. Maddy pulled him closer. ‘I went to see the doctor yesterday,’ she whispered.
‘Sorry, I meant to ask how it went.’ How could he have forgotten? She’d been complaining of tiredness and nausea recently. What if it was something serious?
‘I’ve been meaning to change my coil for ages, but the doctor says it had become dislodged.’
‘Oh, is that painful?’ An infection again. He was relieved it was nothing worse.
‘It means it wasn’t working properly.’ She put her hand on his leg and suddenly couldn’t stop smiling at him.
‘What?’ He narrowed his eyes.
‘Nothing’s wrong. I’m pregnant,’ she whispered.
‘Seriously?’ A pain shot through his head, like he’d been hit by a brick. He stared ahead.
‘I know we said two was enough… it’s a surprise for me too.’ Her eyes were brimming with tears.
‘It’s great news. It’s a shock, that’s all.’ He hugged her and blew out a little stream of air. Shit.
‘Are you sure you’re okay with it?’ She rubbed his back.
‘Of course, of course I am.’ He hoped he didn’t sound abrupt. His whole body had turned to jelly. What the fuck was he going to do?
‘Really?’
‘Honestly.’ He looked in her eyes. ‘As long as you and the baby are healthy, that’s all that’s important.’
‘I don’t want to tell the girls straight away,’ she whispered.
‘How far gone are you?’
‘The doctor thinks about thirteen weeks, due in January, about a month after Christmas.’
Weren’t those dates close to Ali’s? His mind was a scramble, he couldn’t think. Whatever it was, this was his worst nightmare.
‘You didn’t have an inkling before now?’ Like that was going to make any difference. He pulled a face, expecting her to be a little bit offended.
‘Not for a moment. I suppose it doesn’t help that I’ve put on a bit of weight recently.’
‘You are beautiful.’ To him she looked as good as she always did. Jesus. He wanted to bang his head on the wall. What an idiot for getting in this mess.
‘Come on, Dad.’ Emily tugged his coat. They followed them to a luminous photo of the moon. Above it hung the question:
‘What Would Happen If The Moon Disappeared?’
Answer: ‘Disastrous consequences.’
Maddy kissed him on the lips. He loved her so much. But didn’t he love Ali too? He couldn’t go on living like this. How would he ever decide between them?
Chapter Fifty-Six
Maddy: December 2019
Maddy pushes the revolving door of the hospital and heads towards the maternity ward. She holds up a small bunch of flowers to obscure her face and slips into Lilac Ward as an elderly couple exit. The woman gives her a lingering stare. Maddy’s newly coloured auburn hair is in a bun and she is wearing her mum’s old raincoat and woollen hat. It is after lunch and quietening down, as she expected. She spots Alison’s name on the nurses’ board. Number 22, bay nine. What if Max is here? Mother hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps he’d approve of her behaviour.
The ward is dim along one side, the curtains drawn around two of the first four sets of beds. A light murmur fills the air – quietly spoken men chatting to their wives or girlfriends – not exclusively theirs any more, seeing them in a different light now the transformation to motherhood is complete.
Number 20 is marked above the first bed. Maddy smiles at the woman who looks like she’s been in bed all her life. Two along and the curtains are drawn. Maddy stands outside and nods at the bewildered face of a new father opposite, holding his baby in front of him like it’s a fresh loaf of bread. Max had been a more confident father right from the start. An image fills her mind of him falling to the bottom of the river, calling out to her. Lately, this detail gives her the tiniest satisfaction.
There don’t appear to be any voices coming from behind the floral material, so she scissors her fingertips into the gap. The tightly wrapped baby is in a Perspex crib, and Alison is sprawled on the unmade bed, asleep. Maddy’s chest spasms as if she’s been punched. She grips herself around the middle. The new father is taken up with trying to change the baby’s nappy while it kicks and cries. She slips inside the curtains and stands at the foot of the bed, watching Alison sleeping. Breathing. The young face is haggard, creased like a tissue and there are yellow stains on the shoulder of her shapeless T-shirt. She lays the flowers on the moveable table. At the bottom of the bed is a soft plump pillow. It would be so easy to hold it over that pretty face. She hesitates at hearing the voice. The baby kicks in its see-through container, drawing her eye, pulling her towards him.
‘There you are. I’ve been waiting for you.’ He’s tiny, six pounds, she guesses. A streak of downy blond hair covers the centre of his scalp. Max’s nose and chin, no question of it.
Almost as if he knew she’d arrived, the baby’s eyes flutter open. He kicks his miniature feet, the skin pink and wrinkled like a newborn bird.
Without another thought, Maddy reaches in. Alison doesn’t stir. Newborns are always so much lighter than you remember. She brings him gently to her breast. He curls into her like a snail taken from its shell. Maddy breathes in the soft warmth of the new skin and her heart aches with longing. She could tuck the little mite under her coat and walk away, but he squirms, looking for milk and her sweet baby lets out a mewl. She holds tighter, but he keeps wriggling and one of his arms breaks free from the blanket. ‘Baby Boy of Alison Wood’, reads the tag around the tiny wrist. They’ve got the name wrong but still her heart gives a little skip. A boy. She knew it all along. She offers her knuckle to his lips and he tries to suck but his face crumples into a cry. Turning away from the bed she hikes up her top and unclips her maternity bra. Pressing her fingers around her nipple, she guides his mouth to latch on. His suck is firm and her whole body buzzes at the sensation and sheer wonder of feeding her own baby. His cherry lips move up and down, pulling, pulling on her. Then he lets go and his face reddens as he cries with all his might. Alison stirs. Maddy covers herself up with her coat, jogging him up and down until he stops.
‘Who are you?’ Alison sits up, bleary-eyed.
‘I was passing, he sounded distressed.’ Maddy places the baby back in the cot, avoiding eye contact.
‘You should have woken me.’ She picks the baby up and he starts crying again. Alison looks her up and down but Maddy is quick to turn away.
‘You looked like you needed the rest.’ Maddy ties her coat belt.
‘Don’t I know you?’ Alison’s eyes narrow.
‘He’s so beautiful, isn’t he?’ Maddy steps sideways, blood pulsing in her neck. She’ll have to come back for him.
‘Aren’t you the
woman who had a go at me in the shop?’ Alison points a finger at her.
Head down, Maddy swishes back the curtain and leaves.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Max: Early September 2019
At six o’clock, Max arrived outside the village hall. Maddy met him in the foyer.
‘You’re late,’ she hissed, ‘where have you been?’
‘In traffic,’ he said, heading for the double doors.
‘We’re sitting at the back, don’t make a noise.’
He followed her in. The audience sat in darkness, the stage lit by one spotlight. Chloe walked on in her red velvet dress. Could she see him? He hurried to the back of the room and sat next to Maddy. Chloe started to sing, ‘Over the Rainbow’. Her voice sounded a little shaky at first, but soon Max and the rest of the audience were captivated into silence; everyone seemed to be holding their breath. On the last note they exploded into applause. Maddy was on her feet, Max too, clapping furiously. He’d never heard her sing like that.
‘Where did that come from? It was incredible,’ Max said.
Maddy nodded, tears coursing down her cheeks. The curtain came down and Maddy grabbed his arm and shuffled out.
‘You were brilliant,’ Max said as Maddy bent down to hug Chloe backstage.
‘You were late, Daddy.’
‘I’m sorry, darling.’ He crouched next to them.
‘Where were you?’ Maddy stood up.
‘I had a job to finish, took longer than I thought.’ He sighed. He was sick of lying.
‘I thought you were going to bring me, you said you would,’ Chloe said.
‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t get away.’ It was the truth, of sorts. He’d taken Jamie for his first training session at the local football club. Somehow, he had to try and be there every week. This was not the best start.
Maddy shot him a venomous look and led Chloe into the dressing room, shutting him out.
He wandered off to the crowded bar and bought a pint of beer.
‘Are you Chloe’s dad?’ A petite woman with blonde cropped hair was talking to him.
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