by Lila Rose
It wasn’t right.
Richard was my life.
My head was jumbled. I didn’t know what to think of Roman and his straightforwardness.
I didn’t want to acknowledge the way my belly dipped, the way my heart thumped when he was close, when he looked at me or smiled.
It wasn’t right.
Suddenly, I felt like crying because my mind kept telling me I was spitting on Richard’s grave for even reacting to Roman, for thinking of him.
“Mum,” Zara called. “You’re home.”
Straightening, I clasped her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Thanks for the lift.”
“Nancy—” Talon started.
“I’ll talk to you both tomorrow. I’m tired.” I opened the car door, got out, and closed it behind me. Once at the front door, I unlocked it, and turned and waved before I entered, knowing they wouldn’t leave until I was safely inside.
I slumped back against the door. In front of me sat a picture of Richard. My chest ached. My bottom lip wobbled. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Maybe Talon was right, that Roman shouldn’t be trying with me. I didn’t need or deserve his attention. Richard had been my one true love, and I was happy with that. I didn’t need to find it again. I shouldn’t want to.
Richard was my life.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed again. I was sorry for thinking of Roman, for reacting and looking, admiring.
“Don’t be sorry, Nance. You got a lotta love in you to give.”
I shook my head, trying to clear his voice from my mind. I shook it again. “Not for another man.”
“Yes.”
I groaned and wiped at my face. “How could I imagine that? Richard wouldn’t want me with another man.” But he’d want me happy. “No,” I muttered. He would.
Growling under my breath, I speed-walked into my room, threw my bag on the bed, and got undressed. Sleep. I needed to rest before I went crazy. Well, crazier.
It was a few days later, where I had managed to avoid Talon and Zara by claiming I was too busy and had taken on more shifts at the hospital, when a knock came at the front door. I put the dishrag down and made my way to the door. Opening it, all I could see were flowers.
My heart twisted.
Only, I wasn’t sure if it was in sadness because Richard used to give me flowers all the time or in the excitement of the nice surprise.
“Nancy Alexander,” a male voice said from behind the large bouquet.
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Delivery,” he said the obvious and thrust the flowers my way. I took them, thanked him, and closed the door. It was a little struggle because they were so heavy, but I managed to carry them into the kitchen, setting them on the table since they were already in a vase.
Stepping back, I spotted the card sticking out of the top of the arrangement. I grabbed it, ignoring how my hands shook a little as I opened it.
It read: What about, sexy legs?
I clamped my bottom lip down with my top teeth, and yet a smile grew over. I couldn’t help it. My belly fluttered to life.
Sexy legs.
I laughed.
Roman was different.
It was like he knew I’d be… scared, worried, hurt… hell, feeling guilty, so he wanted to make me smile, laugh even.
How did he even get my address? Wait, he was a computer genius apparently; he’d have his ways of finding out.
On the kitchen counter, my phone chimed with a text. Still smiling, I went over, picked it up, and a number I didn’t recognised flashed up. Before I saw the preview to the message, I opened it.
Did you like the flowers?
There went my stomach again.
I bit my nail, worried my bottom lip with my top teeth, and then sucked in a big cup of courage, along with air, while I ignored the stab of guilt in the back of my mind. I did, thank you.
He responded right away. Thoughts on sexy legs?
A giggle escaped. Silly man. No!
Damn, I thought that was a good one.
Why did you send me flowers?
Because I was thinking of you.
Dear God, that was sweet.
Why did he have to be so sweet? I could turn him away, I should, but I hadn’t felt this… alive, in such a long time.
Did I lose you?
No. It was all I could reply with. Where had my wit gone? My teasing? Drained away because I knew he was being real. Roman was interested in me. Knowing it made my brain short circuit.
Good. How have you been?
Small talk. He wanted to do small talk, and I wasn’t sure I was up for it. Also, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Um, good. You?
Same boring self. Tell me something about you.
Shit. I didn’t know what to tell him. I scrambled for something, anything, feeling as though I had to keep this conversation going. The knowledge made me pause as I considered why that was. Admittedly, I liked the attention.
Pain sliced through my body.
Was I just using Roman to feel something other than hollow?
Am I that mean to use him?
Am I using him?
Roman hadn’t ever been on my radar until now. Since I knew he liked me, he passed through my mind a lot more than I wanted to admit to myself.
I shouldn’t keep this going.
Stuff it all to hell. I was a big ball of confusion. Did it make me a bad person to want this, even if it was only texting with Roman? Did I like him? I couldn’t, shouldn’t, and yet, from the moment he’d flirted, he’d pulled a reaction from me. He affected me. I couldn’t ignore the possibility it was only because he showed me attention, though. My stomach dipped at that.
I dropped my phone to the table and walked away from it. “What am I supposed to do?” I asked myself. Only I didn’t have any answers.
My phone chimed. I gripped my neck with one hand and the sink with the other. I spun, and strode to the phone, snatching it up.
Are you okay?
How dare he ask. How dare he be nice to me when I could be using him. Holy shit, I was losing the plot. I didn’t know who he was really. I simply saw his smile, his joking nature… but what was he really like, and more terrifying was, did I honestly want to know?
I don’t know.
We’re just texting, Nancy. Talking. No harm can come from it. If you’ve ever had enough of me, you tell me. Just want to get to know you. If you’re okay with it.
That was the thing. I didn’t know if I was okay with it, but he was right: there was no harm to texting. Right? They were just words. Learning about each other. We could become friends, and somehow, I knew he would accept whatever I wanted us to be. Friends were good to have no matter the sex or age.
Bloody hell.
Okay. We’ll text. I hit Send, and my heart thumped hard in my chest. I didn’t know if I was happy with my choice or not.
I have to get back to work, but I’ll text you later, yeah?
I thinned my lips because my mouth wanted to smile.
Friends.
It was all I had in me. If I thought of anything more, then I could possibly be put in the loony bin.
I had to put the phone down, run my hands through my hair a few times, drag in a ragged breath and then, finally, I was able to pick up the phone and type: Yes.
Then I quickly added: I think so. I groaned right after I pressed Send.
Great, Roman probably thought I was actually crazy instead of part way there. At least it was only texting. I couldn’t bugger up texting too much. If I did, I could blame my age and autocorrect. My children and grandchildren knew autocorrect had gotten the best of me on a few occasions.
When my phone rang, I gasped and clutched my neck, staring at it as if it grew feet, hair, and sprouted a face. Only when I saw Julian’s name on the screen did my racing heart relax a little.
I answered, “Hello, sweetheart.”
“Hey, mumma bear, just wanted to check you haven’t forgotten your pampering
appointment with me this afternoon.”
What happened if Roman texted while Julian was here doing my nails? My cheeks heated knowing he may find out I was texting a younger man. A man around my son-in-law’s age. God, Roman could even be younger.
What was I doing?
I couldn’t play with Roman. It was wrong.
“Mumma bear, what’s going on?”
Clearing my throat, I hummed, then answered, “Nothing.”
“Nancy,” Julian whined. “No lying to your favourite SOL.”
“I don’t have favourites.” I smiled.
He scoffed. “Yeah, all right. Wink, wink. But still, no lying about what’s on your mind. You can tell me anything.”
Could I?
Yes, I knew I could, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to confess I was conversing with a male so much younger than myself. It was harmless, but it could lead to more. Maybe. If I let it. Though, I wasn’t sure I could.
God, I had to get out of my head.
“Roman.”
“Who’s Roman?”
I groaned. “Gamer,” I whispered, like it was the biggest secret.
“Yes?” he drew out, and I just knew there was a smile in his voice.
“He’s….”
“What?” Julian cried.
“He sent me flowers just now and wants to text me, get to know me. I’m worried because… because I could be using him to make myself feel good.”
“How does it make you feel good?”
Lifting my hand, I pinched my bottom lip as I thought about the best way to tell him what I didn’t fully understand myself.
“I smile. I feel lighter on the inside. Still, I worry, Julian.”
“Of course you do, mumma bear. But have a think about this. Did you get the same feelings you have now when that doctor was up in your business wanting a piece of Nancy cake?”
Smiling at his wording, I remembered how I didn’t, and at the time I wondered what was wrong with me. Doctor Hendrick, who was a few years younger than me, was a good-looking man. Only I didn’t—and still don’t, since he hasn’t given up—get any type of giddy feelings like what I got with Roman.
Why was Roman different?
“Well, no, but maybe he could grow on me still.”
Julian hummed. “Oh, honey, if he ain’t on your mind now, he never will be. Is Gamer on your mind?”
He was.
Why?
“Yes,” I whispered.
“You sound guilty for even admitting it, mumma bear. You don’t need to feel guilt over enjoying life, over feeling something for another man. Richard, God rest his soul, would want, above anything, you happy. If you’re worried about the age difference, don’t. No one will care. Heck, look at me and your son. I became his sugar daddy, and you and Rich didn’t bat an eye at it. You do what you want, Nancy Alexander. It’s time to shine again.”
“I’m not ready to shine.”
“Well then, it’s time to glow at a slow, steady pace.”
A laugh escaped me. My son-in-law was crazy, but in the best way. Honestly, he suited the family; we were all a little strange.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good. Now, are we still on for the pampering this afternoon?”
“Yes, please.”
“Great, now do you want me to bring the wax? I could trim up the muff—”
“Whose muff are you talking about?” I heard my son call in the background.
“Your mum’s, poppet.”
“Jesus, Julian. You’re not going near her… area there.”
“Oh relax, baby. I’ve been trimming up her flower for years, well, when it was seeing action—”
“Julian!” Mattie and I cried at the same time.
“I do not want to know,” Mattie added.
“Why not, it’s a good spot. You came out of it—”
There was some gagging.
“I’m going,” I yelled through the phone. “And please stop torturing my son about my vagina.”
Julian started to laugh. “But it’s fun. So the wax?”
“No, my muff isn’t ready for any action.”
“Yet,” Julian sang.
A thought of Roman, looking up at me with a cheeky smile on his lips, flashed through my mind. My belly dipped, my pulse raced, and even my hands shook. It seemed I didn’t mind that thought at all… but I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to accept someone in my bed again, no matter how my body reacted to a certain someone.
“Bye, Julian,” I said, instead of saying anything else.
Chapter Four
Gamer
As I sat in the compound at the bar with some brothers, I thought about dinner the previous night at Easton’s. I wasn’t sure why I told Lan about my past. About my father making me watch as he shot my own dogs when I was a boy because I hadn’t fucking taken the rubbish out. Maybe it was because I wanted him to understand why I’d taken a shine to Easton’s animals so quickly. Why I felt the need to have his mutts in my life. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to stay away from them. My life had been shit. A mother who died young, a father who didn’t give a fuck, unless it was when I was doing something wrong. Those reasons were why, when I was still a teen, Hawks MC called to me. It was lucky I had skills with the computer when the old president was a major dick dragging the club through illegal crap.
Thank fuck things were better.
I was more relaxed in the years since Dodge took over. I’d never shared about myself with my brothers until recently, until I felt I could trust. And even though Lan wasn’t patched in, I could talk about anything with him.
Though, it could have been just about the dogs. Still, it’d been great to see them. I hadn’t realised I’d missed them a load. With a silent snort, I smiled at the thought of Easton, Lan, and Parker. Lan was Easton’s man… or was it the other way around? I wasn’t sure, nor did I care. However, there was also something going on with Parker and those two. Didn’t know if they realised it was easy to tell. When I’d walked in yesterday, Easton looked like he’d been pashing someone, and Lan had been out the back with me, so when Parker turned a corner looking guilty, I knew he’d been the one locking lips with Easton. Lan didn’t seem to care his man was making out with another. It was then I caught Parker’s brief touch to Lan and knew the three of them had something going on. They didn’t voice it, so I kept my mouth shut.
Each to their own and all that crap.
Still, seeing them interacting had me wishing I could just pop in on Nancy and spend time in her presence. We’d been texting every damn day. It wasn’t enough. I needed to see her smile, hear her laugh in person, and maybe even share my own personal thoughts with her in some way.
I knew she wasn’t ready for me to go full-steam ahead, and I respected that.
Didn’t mean seeing each other face-to-face would be a bad thing.
“Hey, Gamer, where you headin’?” Nurse asked when I shifted away from the bar. I’d only had one drink, making it safe for a ride to the countryside.
“For a ride,” I replied with a flick of my wrist over my shoulder. Hopefully my clipped tone was enough to steer anyone away from wanting to join me, and since I only got chuckles in response, I guessed they read me right. That or they thought I was off texting Nancy. Apparently, gossip had spread after the barbeque at Easton’s, and now they all give me shit for lusting for an older lady.
Something I didn’t give a shit about.
When I was just near the door to the hallway, it opened. I paused, not knowing who this huge motherfucker was. He stopped in the doorway and scanned the room.
I was just about to open my mouth when, across the room, the president boomed, “Holy fuck, Jesus Christ. Warden has graced us with his presence.”
A damned big grin came over Warden’s face, and it changed him completely. He didn’t look like he wanted to kill everyone in the room anymore. I’d heard of Warden. He worked with Violet, Talon’s sister in Ballarat, at a private investigation of
fice.
“Dodge, I heard you’re runnin’ this joint. Had to see it for myself.”
Dodge strode forward, his hand out, and smiling just as big as Warden. “Fuck, brother. It’s good to see you.”
“You too.” Warden nodded, taking Dodge’s hand before bringing it into himself for a quick hug-pat welcome.
“Who do we have here?” Dodge asked, stepping back and to the side. Before Warden could answer though, Dive and Vicious came forward to greet Warden in the same way.
Hell, he must have been well liked in Ballarat, which made me wonder why the brothers of Caroline Springs hadn’t seen the guy before.
I caught Vicious nodding to someone behind Warden. Who in the fuck was he hiding?
“Brothers,” Warden started as he shifted into the room more and stepped to the side to reveal a young woman. “This is my woman, Emerson.”
Shit. Guess I wasn’t the only one switching things up. The girl looked close to twenty years his junior. Then again, I could see the goddamn love shining from each of them as they looked at each other.
Warden lifted his arm and Emerson was on the move before he had it all the way up to burrow into his side. When she brought her arm up and curved around his gut, I noticed her scars.
I wasn’t the only one.
“The fuck?” Vicious snarled.
Emerson caught his gaze on her arm and dropped it, even shifted it behind her back.
“It’s okay, baby doll.” Warden kissed the top of her head, and reached around to pull her arm back in front. “They’re just like the other Hawks brothers. Protective of women.”
She eyed us all quickly, then glanced up at her man and nodded.
Dodge cleared his throat. “When did, ah, you two happen?” Meaning how long had she been free of whatever hell hole she’d been in.
“Years. Why I couldn’t come here in the first place to deal with security. Took me a while to win her over, but I did.” He grinned at her, and she rolled her eyes, but did it smiling.
“All good, brother. I wired the system myself, and then later Gamer fixed it when it went to shit.”
Warden chuckled while his woman smiled at her feet.
I stepped up, hand out. “Name’s Gamer.”