Heartless King

by Hughes, Maya

  “Are you done with your bullshit pity party?”

  “Fuck you.” I drove the bag into him.

  He stumbled back. “I’m not going to fight you. We both know what happened the last time.”

  He had to kick me while I was down. Typical. “Get the hell out of my house.”

  “You invited me in.”

  “Which means I can uninvite you.”

  He crossed his arms. “Maybe if you stopped making everything a competition you’d stop setting yourself up for coming in second place. Life is fucked up, and we all have to deal with it. Sometimes our parents suck. Sometimes they’re awesome. Sometimes people we love are taken from us too soon. And sometimes we have to figure out how to be happy again without them. You’re not the first person to lose someone and you won’t be the last, but if you keep up with this pissing match of who matters more or who loves who more, you’re going to end up alone and you’ll only have yourself to blame. You want me out of your life, that’s fine. Then you won’t have anyone else to blame for half your problems. But what you need to do is call your sister. She loves you. She misses you. And she’s just as stubborn as you, and she’ll hold out on admitting it just like you.”

  I ground my teeth, staring past him.

  Ford’s footsteps thundered up the stairs and the front door slammed shut.

  I threw another punch at the bag before ripping my gloves off and chucking them across the room. I shoved Ford from my mind. My next official session with Imo was supposed to be tomorrow. Would she show up? Our ‘official’ time had been melding into unofficial, impromptu time over the past few weeks. Usually nothing more than her stopping by to check in on me. I’d been resentful at first, angry that she didn’t seem to think I could make it through an entire day without somehow reinjuring myself, but somewhere in there I’d started looking forward to her barging into my house.

  But every time I’d tried to tempt her with dinner or a drink, she’d dodged the invitation. Where did things with us stand after last night? She’d been just as hungry for me. She’d stared into my eyes, peeling back the layers and drawing me deeper into her gaze, until I’d been enveloped by her scent, drowning in her touch.

  What was she thinking after I’d let her walk out of my house without a word? Would she show up tomorrow? Could I convince her I could be a great dad to the baby? That I could be great to Imo every day of her life?

  26

  Imo

  Numbness. I’d been numb all day. I kept freezing in place, as though I’d sprouted roots. By the third time, I knew I needed something to keep me moving, so I’d driven to the shore to surprise Fern and Charlie.

  If they knew something was up, they didn’t say anything.

  The cooler weather always came to the shore early. My sweater helped hide the bump I was sure had grown in the matter of hours since I’d found out.

  Colm had sent me a message, but I hadn’t been brave enough to look yet. I’d see him tomorrow for our official session. Were the knots in my stomach about seeing him so soon after the news or was it the baby?

  Doctor’s appointments. Preparations. Shopping for things babies needed. What did babies need? I was an only child, we hadn’t ever had babies around when I was growing up. I had no idea how to do any of this.

  I braced myself on the counter and took deep breaths. My hands shook as I took my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket and read Colm’s text.

  We need to talk. Are you coming tomorrow?

  I tapped out my one word reply. Yes.

  He’d been reveling in his freedom. Slowly trying to figure out who he was without the anvil of responsibility around his neck, and now I’d dropped a baby into his lap. I looked out at Fern and Charlie doing their nightly dance to ‘Love Will Keep Us Together’. They were back to their old routine. For the first year or so after Preston had died, I’d clean everything up alone in silence. Sometimes they’d try to help, but other times, they couldn’t bring themselves to do it.

  What would happen when they found out I was pregnant? Would it bring back terrible memories for them? Make them think of the kids Preston and I were supposed to have had? Would it feel like a betrayal of his memory?

  I’d always wanted to have kids, but they’d been locked away in the frozen life I’d lost with Preston. So much of how I’d lived since then had been to preserve the pieces I had left. Fern and Charlie. My work. My aversion to getting involved with anyone.

  The doors had been blown off the safety I’d thought I’d found in being alone. Colm had seen the cracks in my armor and pushed past them, never letting me shrink away.

  “We shouldn’t have stayed open this late into October. The season is long over. It’s just us trying to hold onto the last bits of summer.” Charlie finished putting the chairs up on the tables and went to get the mop.

  “You don’t have to keep coming down here.” Fern wiped down the diner counter that looked as clean as when I got here.

  “The driving helps clear my head and I get in extra cardio going from table to table. Plus, I had an interview with that new physiotherapy center opening ten minutes from here.” I wiped down the last of the tables as Fern collected the salt shakers.

  “Why would you do that?”

  “So I can be closer to you two. Then I can get down here in record time after I’m finished work.”

  “Imogen—”

  “And they’re on board with a modified schedule in the summer.”

  She looked at me with an armful of shakers and gave me a weak smile. “Things are slowing down.”

  The unexpected snow we’d gotten meant the diner had been slower than usual. Sometimes they could stretch the fall season through to Halloween.

  “Not too many tables tonight.” She leaned against the counter, more tired than I’d seen her in a while.

  “Are you okay, Fern?”

  She lifted her head and smiled. “Fine dear, just not getting any younger. We appreciate you coming down to help, but there have got to be more interesting things going on during your nights and weekends, especially now that the summer’s over.”

  “There’s no place I’d rather be.” I set the salt and pepper down on the counter.

  Fern sighed and unscrewed the tops of all the shakers. “Nothing new? Nothing special happening up in the city?” Her words splatted between us like a dirty wash rag.

  “No, nothing. I don’t have the time.” Lifting the other container of salt, I filled the shakers on my side.

  “You should. No use being stuck here with two old grouches when you could be out having fun. You can’t get your twenties back. Find a guy and have some fun.”

  I dropped the salt, and a fine spray covered the counter. Rushing for a sponge, I looked over my shoulder. “I have plenty of fun.” The evidence of that was chilling out in my uterus as we spoke. My heart rate skipped up and the edges of my vision blurred.

  “It seems like all you’ve done is work for the past five years. You’re young and beautiful. I’m sure the guys are lining up around the block to take you out to dinner.”

  Way more than dinner. Dinner was a rest stop fifty miles back down the highway from where I was. They were nudging me toward maybe dating—what the hell would happen when that turned into a bun in the oven?

  “Can you guys handle this? I forgot there’s something I need to get back to the city for tonight.”

  “Imogen—” A sad smile creased her lips.

  “It’s nothing. I’m just so forgetful lately. Let me know about next weekend.”

  She nodded. “Of course. Drive safely and text when you get in.”

  I headed over the bridge, clenching my trembling fingers around the steering wheel. Five years.

  The street lights washed over my car in a rhythmic cadence with each passing mile. My eyelids drooped and I jerked my head back, slamming it against the headrest. At least I had an explanation for why I could barely keep my head up sometimes.

  The doctor’s office had told me they’d ge
t back to me with their next available appointment on the drive down. I’d scrounged in the back office to find a bigger uniform top before Fern and Charlie realized I’d come in. My stomach wasn’t going to get any smaller. Maybe it was for the best that they were closing the Shack early. It would give me more time to figure out how to break the news to them.

  It was one thing to talk about me dating, but having a baby? How would they handle that news?

  All my go-go-go energy had been zapped and I was running on fumes. Usually, I’d stay over with Fern and Charlie and head out at six to make it back to the city in time to meet my first client, but I’d needed my escape.

  And tomorrow morning, Colm and I were meeting. He’d thrown out that he wanted to do some work on the weekends to make sure he wasn’t pushing himself, but after the news we’d had and his reaction, I wondered whether he’d want to continue with that plan.

  Nervous flutters filled my stomach and I couldn’t figure out how I’d make it through our sessions in one piece. He was fighting that rising bitterness that came with dedicating yourself to something and finding that you couldn’t do it anymore.

  When your entire life centered on something, it was hard to make a course correction. I’d had a front row seat to how hockey could consume your life. It took up so much time from when they were little. Waking up before the sun to get to the rink, lugging around so much gear it was hard to walk. That had been his life for as long as he could remember. It was the only way to make it to the elite level Colm had achieved. It was a part of his soul and it was going to end one day no matter what. But that was a hard chasm to jump and sometimes people didn’t make it.

  I could help him with that. I’d done it before, but I’d almost lost myself. Helping Preston had hurt me, and nearly broken what we’d built together. But there was no one I could talk to about those feelings, not really. He had been sainted and canonized when he died. I’d never told anyone we’d broken up for that brief final month, and it seemed neither had he. The night he’d slipped the ring on my finger hours before our crash would also remain locked away. It wasn’t a pain I wanted to visit on anyone else, let alone revisit.

  The complicated feelings had been easier to run from than face head-on. His death had erased every bit of his selfishness and all the screw-ups he’d made like it worked as a giant memory wipe for anyone you’d interacted with prior to death. I loved him, but that didn’t mean he’d been perfect.

  This time I’d have to keep my guard up because I couldn’t put together another broken man only to be left all alone at the end once again. Especially not with a baby. We’d be linked forever now. No matter what happened, he and I were a part of something bigger than ourselves. But a baby was never a way to solve anyone’s problems. If anything, this complicated things beyond trying to figure out what was going on between us. Colm needed to figure out what he wanted in life, not try to do the thing he thought was right. I wouldn’t be an obligation and I didn’t want that for my baby.

  The pulsing flash of lights travelled over my car.

  My head dipped again. The rhythmic teeth chattering jar of the rumble strip sliced through the brain fog. I jerked the car back to straight, cranked the music, and rolled down the windows, trying to keep the droop out of my eyes. The freezing night air blasted me in my face.

  Spotting a rest stop sign, I pulled off the exit and let the gas station attendant fill the tank. New Jersey gas laws for the win. I usually grumbled about waiting for the full-service attendants, but not tonight. He might as well have been an angel sent down from heaven.

  A knuckle knock to the window later, I jolted awake. I handed him my cash and pulled into the Wawa attached to the gas station. The hallmark smell of hazelnut coffee mixed with three other flavors and their signature hoagies reached all the way to the gas pumps. I needed coffee. A tub of coffee to swim in, so I could make it home.

  Throwing it in park, I zipped my coat and grabbed my gloves. I shoved my hands inside them and pulled on my hat. The fuzzy warmth wrapped around my head. So cozy and comfy. Before I got my coffee, I’d catch a few minutes of shut eye. I rested against the seat, releasing all of the stress weighing me down. It would all still be there when I woke up.

  A five-minute cat nap would be all I needed. I set a timer, turned off my car and locked the doors. Five minutes, then I’d get my coffee and get back on the road. Tomorrow I’d figure out what to do with Colm. Tonight I was too damn tired.

  * * *

  Someone needed to oil that leg machine; the knocking was driving me crazy. An insistent knock and bright light streaming through my closed eyelids jolted me awake.

  My hands shot to the—steering wheel?—and I tried to get my bearings.

  “Ma’am. Are you okay?”

  An employee in a Wawa hat stood outside my window.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I cleared the fog in my head. I’d been driving home and stopped for gas. My pit stop pushed through the early morning haze. My fingers were tight in the cold and my breath came out in puffs in front of my face.

  I glanced at the clock on my dashboard. Shit! It was after nine. I’d slept sitting up in my car for almost twelve hours. Between the position and the cold, my muscles ached. I was already in the running for the worst mom of the year.

  I rolled down my window a few inches. It was even colder outside. “Hi, sorry. I must have fallen asleep. I’m good though. Thanks.”

  He eyed me before nodding and heading back into the store.

  Running inside, I ducked into the bathroom and then grabbed that coffee I was supposed to get last night.

  I pressed the start button, my car kicked on, and I flew back to the highway, keeping just under the speed limit. I cranked the heat, slowly thawing myself out on the way there.

  Rush hour traffic had come and gone by the time I got to the city.

  There wasn’t even time to go home and shower; I’d be a solid hour late by the time I got to Colm’s. My busted phone charger taunted me with each mile.

  Not the best way to kick off this new chapter of our…whatever this was.

  27

  Colm

  My phone screen dimmed for less than a second and I pushed the button again. The knot in my stomach tightened and those old panicky feelings lapped at the edges of my mind.

  The digital clock didn’t make a sound, but each passing second reverberated in my head. Fifty-three minutes. I’d been sitting down in my gym waiting for her for over fifty-three minutes. Fifty-four now. As much as I wanted to be pissed, that had died about twelve minutes ago. Was she backing out? Had she decided I wasn’t worth the effort? Maybe now that she knew she was pregnant she’d realized she didn’t want anything to do with me.

  After twenty minutes, when I’d finally broken down to call her and gotten no response, the prickling tiptoes of dread had walked their way up my spine. Liv always thought I was a pain in the ass about her being on time because I was, well, an ass. But lateness tapped into something inside of me that I’d tried to push down and pretend didn’t exist in my life anymore.

  What if she didn’t know how I truly felt about her? And how I felt about the baby? I still hadn’t waded through all those emotions, but my shell-shocked and mute reaction definitely wasn’t what I wanted her last memories of me to be.

  Scenarios of what might have happened to her ran through my head. What if she had been mugged on the way here? Or had tripped and fallen somewhere and hit her head? All the improbable and fear-inducing ways she could be injured, dying, or dead played in my mind like a progressively dire highlight reel.

  I remembered the way I’d kept checking the stands for my parents the night of our last game and how I’d gotten angrier and sadder as each minute of the period ticked down—all the while, they had been fighting for their lives while two separate medi-vac helicopters whisked them to the nearest trauma center.

  Only it wasn’t them this time, it was Imogen and our baby. The words were still slow to form in my head. A baby. The re
st of the guys were all coupled up, so I figured one of them would be first. I’d never thought much about having kids. After taking care of Liv for so long, kids had been pushed back in my mind to after I’d met someone I could share my life with and we’d gotten married, spent time together traveling the world and being a happy couple. Funny how life never turned out the way we planned.

  The front door opened and closed. Racing, heavy footsteps streaked across the floor and I squeezed the edge of the weight bench, expecting one of the guys to come rushing down to break the terrible news to me. I wanted to lock the gym door and keep whoever it was out. Short, choppy breaths shook my chest and my nostrils flared. Numbness crept up from my fingers’ death grip on the bench.

  “Sorry I’m late.” Imogen rushed down the steps, her boots catching on the last one. Her recovery was quick and graceful, even as I jumped up to help her. Hair stuck up all over like her hastily thrown-together ponytail couldn’t contain her harried mood. Dropping her bag, she wiped sweat from her forehead.

  “I know. I know. Let me wash my hands and we can get started. I’m sure you have things to do.” She dropped her wooly hat on top of her bag and jerked down the zipper to her coat.

  I was on the way to her before I could even think. Relief slammed into me like a tsunami, nearly knocking me off my feet. I swayed, locking my knees to keep upright. She was here. “You’re okay.”

  My fingers tingled, needing to touch her and hold her, make sure she was really safe and okay.

  “Stiff muscles, but other than that I’m good. It was a long night at the Shack and I fell asleep at the Wawa on the Expressway.” She let out a nervous laugh, and her words felt like ice cubes being injected into my veins.