by Emma Easter
She looked up from her Bible and said, “Lord, I’m so sorry. After everything I went through and how you delivered me the last time, I should have known better.”
She prayed and asked the Lord to help her come back to the basics, the simple gospel—that she was loved by the Lord, no matter what.
After she’d finished praying, she smiled as a supernatural peace descended on her. She knew that from now on, she had to keep believing that God loved and accepted her unconditionally.
When Dr. Lincoln told her and Bryan that they were going to be transferred somewhere else, she had begun to panic. She loved running the orphanage, but she had let it become her identity; the reason for her being.
She’d told herself, even unknowingly, that without running the orphanage, she wasn’t really working for God. That had added to her panic and anxiety attacks. Now she had to let go and let God lead her into His will for her now. She would miss the orphanage, but she was looking forward to whatever the Lord had planned for her future.
She looked up as the door opened and Bryan walked into the bathroom.
He had a surprised look on his face as he stared at her. He came and sat beside her and said, “When I awoke and didn’t see you in bed, I wondered where you had gone in the middle of the night and then saw the light streaming from under the door. I waited about ten minutes. When you did not come out, I began to worry.” He put his hand around her shoulder. “Are you okay, sweetie? Did you have another nightmare?”
She turned and smiled brightly at him. “I did.”
His brows lifted. “And you’re happy about that?” he asked her, looking both surprised and slightly confused. “You’re smiling as if you had the best dream in the world.”
She said to him, “I had a nightmare and I was scared as usual. I came into the bathroom asking the Lord what exactly was wrong with me. I wanted to know the root cause of this problem and why it had returned. I opened my Bible and my eyes fell on this scripture.” She read the scripture that she had read out loud earlier to him. “After I finished reading it, I immediately realized what the root problem was. It was as if the Lord immediately dropped it into my heart and I could clearly see how the scrupulosity started again.”
She told him what she had realized after reading the scripture; about how she had depended on how much she did for the Lord to feel that she was righteous and loved by him. “I love being a minister’s wife,” she told Bryan and smiled at him, “but I cannot depend on that and all that I do in ministry to feel like I am accepted by the Lord.”
Bryan nodded. “I understand, Sienna. I have to struggle with that as well. I’m glad for everything the Lord showed you. I’ll try to remind you about it as much as I can from now on.”
He combed his fingers through her hair and said softly, “I love you, Sienna. We will overcome this together.”
“I already feel a lot better,” she said. “At least I know exactly what to do now when I start feeling like I have to do more and more in order to please God.”
Bryan stood up and held his hand out to her.
She took his hand and walked into the bedroom with him.
Without even talking to each other about it, they both headed directly to Ethan’s cot. Sienna switched on the light and they both stooped down to gaze at their precious son. Sienna’s heart filled with an overwhelming love for him, and she reached down and gently caressed his cheek. She turned to Bryan and said, “I hope he grows up to be just like you, Bryan. I hope he becomes the sweet, kind, and godly man that you are.”
Bryan beamed at her and said, “And I hope one day we have a little girl who grows up to be just like her mama— beautiful, kindhearted, and the most amazing woman I know.”
She straightened and hugged Bryan tightly. She sighed in contentment as she rested her head on his chest. “I am so glad I have you in my life, Bryan,” she said. “I know I can conquer anything with you by my side.”
He kissed the top of her head and his arms tightened around her.
They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms for a long time and then Bryan said, “Let’s go back to bed, sweetie.”
She pulled back slightly from him and they both climbed into bed again. She snuggled up to him and, this time, quickly drifted off to a dreamless sleep.
*****
Audrey opened the car door, got out, walked to her front door and then opened it. Walking into the living room, she saw Ken sitting on the couch and smiled brightly at him. She had decided to go to the station today to see some of the officers she had worked with for years before she traveled with Ken in a few days’ time.
Ken smiled at her and said, “Come and sit beside me, Audrey.”
She went to sit beside him and tossed her purse on the coffee table.
“How was your day, Police Chief Baylor?” he asked her.
She laughed and shook her head. “Ex-police chief Baylor.”
He shrugged. “Once a police chief, always a police chief.”
She chuckled and then frowned. “Something one of the officers told me immediately after I got to the station is still on my mind.”
“What?” he asked.
“Derrick asked to speak with me.”
“Who?” Ken frowned.
“Derrick. The man who kidnapped Sienna on the day she married Bryan.”
He smiled wryly. “The one who went insane?”
“Yes, him. The officer who was in charge of his case with me at the time told me Derrick was getting better at the psychiatric hospital and had asked to speak with me.”
“And what did you say?” Ken asked.
“Nothing. I don’t want to speak to Derrick.”
“But you don’t know why he wants to speak to you, Audrey,” Ken said.
“Why else?” Audrey said. “Probably to spin one of his tales and tell me he made a mistake and wants to get out of the psych hospital. Actually, he’s lucky to be there or he would be in prison now, rotting away.”
“Maybe you should go and hear what he has to say,” Ken said.
Audrey shook her head. “No, I don’t have the time for that. I haven’t even packed for our trip.”
“Okay, then,” Ken stood up. “We should go and pack now. I haven’t packed a thing, either.”
“Yes, I think we should,” Audrey said. She stood up and they both went into their bedroom together.
Audrey went into her closet, brought out her traveling bag, and packed her clothes into it. She folded each outfit neatly and carefully and tucked them into the suitcase. She looked over at Ken as he threw his clothes into his suitcase and shook her head. “What are you doing, Ken?” she asked him, staring incredulously at him.
“I’m packing, Audrey. What does it look like I am doing?”
“You are packing your things like that?” Audrey frowned. “Why are you not folding your clothes into your suitcase?”
“I’ll probably not wear most of them anyway… but just in case…”
“That does not explain why you’re not folding your clothes,” Audrey said, chuckling.
Ken shrugged. “What’s the point?”
“What will I do with you, Ken Baylor?” she asked, laughing.
They continued to pack while enjoying each other’s company and talking about random stuff. After a while, Audrey said to Ken, “I wish Esther could travel with us. It’s a shame that this opportunity to go and see Faizan came while school was still in session.”
“I know,” Ken said. “But at least she’s having a good time with her grandparents and her cousins. We should call her after we finish packing.”
“We should,” Audrey said. She suddenly felt nauseated. Before she could throw up all the food she had eaten that day, she stood up quickly and ran into the bathroom. Bending over the toilet bowl, she threw up into it.
Ken came and stooped beside her. “What is wrong, baby?” he asked in a voice that rang with alarm. He rubbed her back and said, “Do you have a bellyache?”
“Just a littl
e discomfort,” she told him. She stood up and smiled at him. “I’m okay. Maybe it was something I ate.”
He looked at her with a strange expression and she frowned. “What?”
“Maybe you are pregnant, Audrey,”
Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She had been feeling a little tired for some time now, but she thought it was just stress. But if Ken was right… “Oh my God, Ken! Maybe I am! That would be so wonderful if I was pregnant.” Her heart began to race with excitement, but she told herself to calm down. They weren’t yet sure she was.
“You have to take a pregnancy test,” Ken said, the excitement in his voice clear. “I could go get some pregnancy tests for you from the pharmacy.”
She nodded. “That would be a good idea. Oh Ken, if I am, I might die of happiness!”
He reached out and hugged her tightly, and then pulled back. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though. Let me go to the pharmacy.” He walked out of the bathroom and she followed him into the bedroom. He grabbed his wallet and car keys from the bedside table and left the room quickly.
She followed him to the living room and after he had left, she looked out the window as he entered the car and drove off. She stepped back from the window and took deep breaths. “Calm down, Audrey. What if you are not really pregnant?”
She went to sit on the sofa, but her excitement would not subside. If she was, it would be an answer to her and Ken’s prayers.
She could not sit still anymore and stood up again. She paced the living room impatiently. She looked up at the clock and whispered, “Where are you, Ken?” She scoffed. “Calm down, Audrey! He just left a few minutes ago.”
She began to imagine what it would feel like to find out she was pregnant. The first people she would call would be Sienna and Trisha. She could imagine how excited they would be. They would be so happy for her, knowing how long she had been wanting to have a baby, how hard she and Ken had been trying, and how worried they had both been.
She paced the living room again, clenching and unclenching her fists, her stomach roiling both with worry and excitement. Her stomach suddenly lurched when she heard Ken’s car outside and she thought she would puke again.
She opened the door before Ken got out of the car, and then waited at the door, tapping her foot impatiently as he walked briskly toward her and entered the house.
He handed a bag to her and said, “Here it is. How long will it take for us to know if you are pregnant or not?”
In spite of herself, she chuckled at the impatient tone in his voice. She headed toward the bathroom and smiled when he followed her. He waited at the door while she went in.
Inside the bathroom, she took another deep breath to try to let go of her nervousness and then brought out the pregnancy test kit. After she had peed and followed the directions, she came out of the bathroom.
Ken immediately walked up to her, looking nervous. “Well?” he said. “Are we pregnant?”
“We have to wait for a few minutes before we know.”
They both sat on the bed in silence. Audrey’s heart kept drumming. Finally, after a few minutes, though it felt like ten, she stood up. She went into the bathroom again and slowly picked up one of the strips. Ken had bought three of them.
She hesitated for a long moment and then finally mustered up courage and looked. Her heart sank to her feet. There was only one line on the stick, showing she wasn’t pregnant.
“No… no!” she cried and picked up the second stick. It showed the same thing. She picked the last one up and then shook her head as it still showed that she wasn’t going to be a mother. She sat on the floor and wept softly.
Ken came into the bathroom and sat beside her. He took the sticks, looked at them, and dropped them back on the sink. “I am sorry, Audrey,” he said. He wrapped his arms around her and she continued to cry. Why had she let her hopes rise so much just because she had puked once? She wanted to be pregnant with all her heart, and she had made herself believe she was because she’d thrown up. Now her hope had been crushed. Her heart ached.
“Why, Ken? Why am I not pregnant?” she cried.
Ken said nothing, and she knew he was hurting, too. He rubbed her back soothingly and kissed her hair.
She cried some more and then she gathered herself together and stood up. Ken did as well, and they both went into the bedroom again.
She walked back to her suitcase on the floor, threw open her closet again and mechanically continued to pack.
“Are you sure you don’t want to rest for now? We can continue tomorrow,” Ken said.
“No,” she said to him. “I want to finish packing. At least I have control over this if not over my body.” Sadness flooded her heart again. She bent down and folded her clothes into the suitcase. This false hope had been a bad blow, but she would not let it keep her down nor dim her excitement at their upcoming trip. No matter what, she would try her best to enjoy this trip. Most of all, she would continue to be grateful for what she had now.
Thinking of what she had now made her think of Esther. She looked up at Ken, who was sitting on the bed and had given up packing his own clothes. “We should call Esther,” she said. “Hearing her voice will definitely make us feel better.”
He nodded eagerly.
She straightened and went to sit beside him as he brought out his phone. As she spoke to Esther on the phone, she smiled genuinely and thanked the Lord for her daughter. She might not have the baby she wanted, but she had this precious girl, and for now, that would have to be enough.
Chapter Fifteen
Audrey laughed as Trisha told her about Ruby and Molly’s latest antics.
Sienna shook her head and said, “I’m sure Ethan’s presence here has made them even more boisterous than usual. He’s such an energetic child, that one.”
Audrey looked at her sisters and said, “So we’re leaving tomorrow evening. Has everyone finished packing?”
“I have,” Sienna said. “Bryan hasn’t even packed anything.”
“What?” Trisha’s eyes widened and she chuckled. “Bryan has not packed his things at all?”
Sienna grinned. “That’s the way he is. He leaves his packing until the last minute. He’ll probably start until an hour or two before we have to leave.”
Audrey laughed. “Okay, then. As long as he doesn’t make us late for our flight.”
“We are flying on a private plane. Doesn’t the pilot have to wait for us or something?”
“I don’t know, but I can’t imagine that he will be happy if we are late for our flight,” Audrey answered. “Anyway, Bryan has taken Ethan to his parents’ house in Green Valley?”
“Yes,” Sienna said.
“Frank will take Ruby and Molly to his parents’ this evening. We need a full day to prepare without them here.” Trisha chuckled. “I love them, bless their little hearts, but they will not allow us to pack anything if they are here.”
“Speaking of Ruby,” Audrey leaned forward and looked intently at Trisha, “have you heard anything from Stan since the last time he came to your house?”
“No, I haven’t. Thank God. He has probably left town again to God-knows-where. I just wish he would stay wherever he is so that I never have to see him again.”
“If only he would do that,” Audrey said. “But unfortunately, knowing him, he will soon be back to make your life a living hell.”
Trisha laughed. “That was exactly what he told me the last time he was here.”
“It’s a good thing you’re deciding not to give him the money and call his bluff.”
“It was a hard decision to make, Audrey,” Trisha sighed. “But you all convinced me. I hope it’s the right one.”
Audrey opened her mouth to tell her it was, but the doorbell rang.
“I wonder who that is,” Trisha said. She stood up and then went to the door.
“I’m so glad you had that divine intervention from the Lord,” Audrey said to Sienna. “I’ve been really worried about yo
u. After you told us the anxiety and panic attacks had come back, it took my mind back to that time when you nearly died.”
“I know,” Sienna said. “It was terrible, but every day now, I am resting in God’s unconditional love for me.”
“Thank God—” Audrey frowned as she heard Trisha telling someone off. And then she heard Stan’s voice. “Oh no! What is that jerk doing here now?” She stood up at the same time Sienna did and went to the door. Stan and Trisha were arguing about something. Audrey glared at Stan and said, “What do you want, Stan? I thought you agreed to give Trisha some time to get the money for you.”
Trisha turned to Audrey and Sienna with an angry expression on her face. “Stan has decided he cannot wait three months. He wants me to give him the money in two weeks instead.”
“You have got to be kidding me!” Audrey said. “Stan! Didn’t Trisha tell you that she needed some time in order to liquidate some assets and then give you the money?”
Stan shook his head. “Audrey, you have always been a character.” He turned back to Trisha and said, “I know what your plan is, Trisha. You just want to buy time. You don’t plan to give me the money, do you? Well, your plan isn’t going to work. I’m giving you two weeks to get the money for me or I’ll see you in court.”
Trisha folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. “You know what, Stan? I am sick and tired of this. If you want a fight, then I will give you a fight.”
Audrey scowled. “We are calling your bluff, Stan. We know you don’t really want Ruby. All you want is money. Well, let’s see how your case will stand in court. No judge is going to grant you custody of the daughter you abandoned.”
“Well, I hope you start to prepare to only see Ruby once a year, because when I win the custody case, that will be the only time you will get see her.”