by Emma Easter
The gate opened and his heart lifted with happiness when Khadija peered out at him. She gave a small scream and hugged him quickly. She pulled back again. “Malik, you’re here!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t tell anyone you were coming today.”
He nodded. “I did not know I was going to come until just this afternoon.”
“Come in.” She took his suitcase before he could respond and wheeled it behind her as she walked through the gate.
Malik entered the compound behind her and shut the gate. He asked, “Where is Fanta? I hope she’s at home.” His mother sometimes took Fanta to the market with her and they didn’t return for hours.
“Yes, she is,” Khadija answered. “She’s with your mother. They are both in the kitchen. You know how Fanta is. She asks if she can help cook the meals all the time.”
“She likes to do things that older people do,” Malik said.
They entered the house and Malik groaned when he saw his father sitting on the sofa in the living room.
His father looked up from the book he was reading and removed his glasses. “Malik, so you’re here. I thought you had cut all ties from your family when you decided to stop working on my farm.”
Malik scowled at him. “What are you talking about? I come here often to visit my daughter.”
“Well, you hardly speak to me when you come.”
Malik did not respond. Instead, he turned to Khadija. “I have something very important to discuss with you. Please don’t go out. Let me just go and see Fanta and Mama, and then we will talk.” He walked toward the kitchen, while Khadija left his suitcase in a corner of the living room.
He stopped when his father called out his name in a stern voice. Turning around, he stared at his father. “Yes, what is it?”
Karim Keita shook his head and said, “I am not your enemy, Malik.”
“Really?” Malik said. “I’m not even going to get into it with you. I just want to see my daughter and mother in peace.”
Keita glared at him for a long time and then said, “You have apparently decided to stay angry with me, but you cannot keep on being angry forever. At some point, you’ll have to forgive me.”
Malik thought about everything his father had done to him, to Zainah, and even to Khadija. Most of all, to Leila. Hell would freeze over before he ever forgave his father. He did not bother to respond. He turned around and made his way to the kitchen.
Fanta beamed when she saw him. She ran to him and put her little hands around his waist. “Papa,” she said. “You’re here!”
He hugged her and lifted her off her feet. Kissing her forehead, he grinned at her and then put her down. His mother came to him and he smiled and hugged her as well.
He took his daughter’s hand as his mother put her hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t tell us you were coming today,” she said to him.
“I didn’t know I was going to come. I just decided a few hours ago.”
His mother nodded. “I am glad you’re here.” She looked down at Fanta and smiled. “Your daughter has missed you,” she said. “I cannot wait for your wedding day to come. I am so excited. I have already sent the fabric I want to use to make my outfit to the tailor. It will be ready by...”
“No, Mama!” Malik interrupted her and then whispered in her ear so Fanta would not hear, “The wedding has been called off.”
She raised her eyebrows and looked at him with sadness in her eyes. “What happened, Malik?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it with Fanta here.” He would tell his daughter that the wedding had been called off soon enough. Just not right now.
His mother gave a weary sigh and said, “So you came to Nira to rest and get away from it all.” She rubbed his back to soothe him. “I’m so sorry, Malik.”
He gave her a small smile and said, “I actually did not come to Nira to stay.”
“You’re going back to your farm?”
“I am not going back yet, Mama.”
Confusion crept into her features. She asked, “Then where are you going?”
“I’ll tell you later on,” he said to her. “I need to speak to Khadija first.” He bent down and looked at Fanta. “I will be back, Fanta. Let me speak to Aunty Khadija.”
Fanta nodded.
He left the kitchen quickly. He found Khadija still in the living room and said to her, “Can we talk in my house privately?” He glanced at his father, who was glaring at him, and then turned back to face his sister.
“Okay,” she said.
He carried his suitcase from the corner of the living room and went out the door. Khadija followed him, and they walked out of the gate. They walked to his house without speaking. He unlocked his front door and they both entered the house. Taking his suitcase to the bedroom, he came out immediately and sat next to Khadija on the couch.
She said to him, “What do you want to speak to me about?”
“I called off my wedding, Khadija.”
“You what?”
“Actually, my fiancée, or ex-fiancée, broke up with me.”
“I’m so sorry, Malik,” Khadija said.
He shook his head quickly. “No… no! I am actually relieved about it.”
She raised her eyebrows and stared at him with a surprised look on her face. “You are relieved that your fiancée broke up with you just days before your wedding?”
“Yes,” Malik said. “The truth is that I did not love her and she knew it. Apart from that, I found out she was a Christian, and just like Leila, she said she could not marry me since I did not share her faith.”
“Again!” Khadija said, an incredulous expression now on her face. “Leila broke up with you because you would not convert to Christianity, now another woman has broken up with you for the same reason. You sure know how to pick them, Malik.” Khadija grinned.
“Stop it!” he said. “It’s not funny, Khadija. It’s actually heartbreaking.”
“I know,” Khadija said. “I’m truly sorry. What you said about being relieved that Hauwa broke up with you—what do you mean by that?”
“Just like I told you, I didn’t love her and she knew it. I have decided to find Leila. She’s the only woman I have ever truly loved. I don’t think I want to go on living without her. I have to find her, Khadija. That is why I asked to speak to you. Do you have any idea where she is?”
Khadija blinked rapidly and said, “The only thing I know is that when Zainah called me and Mama some weeks ago...”
“Zainah called? You didn’t tell me she called!”
“I actually did not remember to tell you. The last time you came here, you were preoccupied with your wedding plans and with Fanta finding a new mother. Anyway, she called to tell us she was pregnant and would soon be having a baby. I think she said she was seven or so months pregnant, I cannot remember. She should be preparing to give birth to her baby any time now, I guess.”
His mouth dropped open and then he closed it. “Wow! Zainah is going to be a mother. Is she happy in her marriage?”
“She sounded extremely happy,” Khadija said.
“That’s good. I’m really happy for her. But… what does that have to do with Leila? Does Zainah know where Leila is?”
Khadija’s eyes searched his and she said, “Leila is actually in the camp where Zainah is.”
“She is?” Malik sat up straighter. “Please tell me you know where that camp is, Khadija.”
“Unfortunately, I don’t,” Khadija said. “I asked her where it was but she refused to tell me. She said the location of the camp is a secret.”
Malik groaned. “How will I ever find Leila if no one knows where she is? Can I at least call Zainah and ask her myself? She might tell me where that camp is if she hears how desperate I am.”
Khadija bit her lip.
He sighed. “Oh, Khadija, don’t tell me you didn’t save her number in your phone after she called you.”
“It wasn’t me she called. It was our mother. You kno
w Papa hasn’t allowed me to get a phone of my own yet. Anyway, I did get try to call her on Mama’s phone several times, but I haven’t been able to reach her.”
Malik put his hand on his forehead and shut his eyes. “How will I ever find her, Khadija?”
“I’m glad you want to get back with Leila, Malik,” Khadija said. “But have you converted to Christianity, or are you planning to? Because if you aren’t, I don’t think there’s any point. Besides, it might be almost impossible for you to find her. Maybe you should not have broken up with your fiancée.”
“I did not break up with her. She broke up with me, and I am glad for that. No matter what it takes, I am going to find Leila and we will get married.”
Khadija stared at him as though he had lost his mind. She finally said, “Let me go and get my mother’s phone. Zainah’s number is saved on it.” She got up and dashed out of the house.
Malik felt his emotions roiling with a mixture of worry and anticipation. He had to believe that, somehow, Zainah would answer her phone when he called, and that he would be able to speak to Leila.
His front door opened and Khadija walked in again, panting. She sat down beside him once more. “I ran all the way to the house and back,” she said.
He nodded and watched as she began to scroll through different numbers on her mother’s phone. Finally, she settled on one and pressed it to initiate the call. She put the phone on speaker and Malik held his breath. The line did not even ring and Malik’s heart sank.
Khadija looked up at him and said, “I am sorry. We can try again tomorrow.”
Malik moaned. “I have to find her, Khadija. Every day that goes by means that I might be too late. If she isn’t married now or in love with someone else, it’ll only be a matter of time before she is. I have to think of something… another way to find her.”
He shut his eyes once more as his mind ran through different possibilities and ways in which he might track Leila down. However, he came up with nothing.
And then he thought about Leila’s ex-husband, Dauda. Not long after he and Leila broke up and he went back to Dogon, Leila’s ex-husband had come to Nira and so had Leila. The marriage had been dissolved. Khadija had told him about it and his heart had ached at the fact that they were not going to get married anymore. Their plan had been to wed immediately after Leila’s marriage was dissolved. He had been despondent for months after that.
“What about Dauda?” he asked Khadija. “Do you think he’ll know where she is?”
“That’s unlikely,” Khadija answered.
“What about one of his wives? Do you think any of them will know?”
“I don’t think so.” Khadija shook her head. “But what does it really matter? Right now, Dauda and his wives are in Saudi Arabia. No one knows when next they will visit Nira.”
“Do you, by any chance, have Dauda’s number?” Malik asked.
She gave a short laugh. “You know I don’t, but Papa surely will.”
Malik groaned and rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to ask that man for anything.”
“You don’t have a choice,” Khadija said.
“I know.” Malik stood up and Khadija did as well. “I guess I’ll have to speak to him and ask if he has Dauda’s number.” He wasn’t looking forward to doing that. The last thing he wanted to do was ask his father for anything and then be beholden to him. But he had to find Leila, so he had no choice.
He walked out of his house with Khadija and went back to his parents’ house. Entering into the living room, he saw his father was still there. He sat across from the man and waited until his father looked up from his book. “Can I ask you for a favor?” he said reluctantly.
His father’s eyes lit up. “What is it?” he asked, way too eagerly for Malik’s liking.
He couldn’t help the anger in his voice as he said, “Dauda, your friend who you married Leila off to, can I have his number?”
“Why do you want his number?”
Malik did not reply for a long moment and then he said, “I need to ask him something about Leila.”
His father said nothing for some seconds, and then he sighed loudly. “You want to ask him about his ex-wife. I hope you know it’s not a good idea.” Putting his hand into his shirt pocket, Karim brought out his phone. “I will give you his number. At least he is better than his brother, Jibril. Now, if you had asked me to give you Jibril’s number, I would have said no.”
Malik brought his phone out from his pants pocket and typed out Dauda’s number as his father dictated it. When his father finished, Malik dialed the number he had been given.
He waited with his heart in his throat as the phone rang. Finally, Dauda’s voice came on the other end. “Hello, who is this?”
Malik struggled to keep his voice even and polite as he said, “Hello, sir, this is Malik, Karim Keita’s son.”
“Okay...” Dauda’s voice sounded wary. “What do you want, young man?”
“Umm... I’m trying to find Leila, your ex-wife. I was wondering, do you have any idea where she is?”
Dauda gave a harsh laugh and said, “I have broken ties with Leila. I don’t know why you’re asking me where she is.”
“I was just wondering if you knew where to find her. She seems to have disappeared since…”
“Listen, young man,” he cut Malik off, “I have no idea where she is. It’s none of my business now.”
Malik sighed and then said, “Okay. Thank you for your time.” He ended the call and then put his hands on his head, frustrated and dismayed.
He stood up as his father asked, “So what did Dauda say?”
Malik answered coldly, “He doesn’t know where Leila is.” He walked quickly out of the living room before his father could ask him any more questions and went back to his house. He sat on his sofa and then roared in anger as his frustration took over. “Where on earth am I going to find Leila now?”
A clear but unfamiliar voice in his mind whispered, “Pray!”
He blinked. Pray? That’s the last thing on my mind. He opened his mouth and surprised himself with the words that came out. “Please…” he hesitated for a few seconds, and then went on, “please, Jesus, help me find her.”
It was a strange prayer for sure, and he felt slightly guilty for saying it. But it seemed fitting since Jesus was the one Leila had dedicated her life to; the one she followed. He would know where she was and how to find her. He added, surprising himself even more, “If you help me find her, I promise that I will give my life to you.”
He opened his eyes and then leaned back against the sofa and sighed deeply. After a while, he stretched out and shut his eyes. He felt drained and weary. Tomorrow, he would resume his search for Leila, because he had to find her. Right now, apart from his daughter’s well-being, finding her was all that mattered to him.
Chapter Fourteen
Sienna got out of bed, her heart pounding. She took a deep breath to try to still her racing heart and went into the bathroom. Switching the lights on, she stared at herself in the mirror. Her heart was still drumming. She took deep breaths but it did not stop.
“Lord, what is wrong with me?” she whispered. The panic attacks and fears had subsided for a couple of days, but they had now returned with a vengeance for reasons she did not understand. She felt guilty all the time, as though she were living in sin, and yet she could not think of any major sin she had committed. True, she made mistakes all the time, but she repented constantly, which was also really tiring.
Just now, she’d had a nightmare where she was locked in a dark room with a dark personality she couldn’t see. She had cried out for the Lord to help her, but He had not. She had felt completely alone. God had not heard her cries in spite of her constant prayers.
She felt more out of tune with the Lord than she had ever felt, except for the years before she married Bryan, when the scrupulosity had been at its worst.
She went back into the bedroom, leaving the light from the bathroom on. Climbing
into bed, she looked at Bryan’s sleeping form. She could not see his face clearly, but she ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his cheek. She stretched out beside him and sighed. Just lying next to him made her feel a little better, but her heart was still pounding.
Bryan turned around, stretched out his hands, and drew her close. She smiled in spite of herself, knowing it was a reflex action. Even asleep, he still thought about her and wanted her close to him.
She rested her head on his chest and felt herself drifting off to sleep once again. She resisted, knowing she would have another nightmare if she fell asleep now. She sat up on the bed again, gently extricating herself from Bryan’s arms. She had to find the root cause of this present battle with scrupulosity. She’d thought she was done with it, but obviously something had brought it up again and, in spite of her continuous prayers and confessions, it remained.
She whispered to the Lord, “Please help me find the root of this and a solution… a permanent one.”
She climbed out of bed again and snatched up her Bible from the bedside table. She went into the bathroom, shut the door, and sat on the edge of the bathtub. Opening her Bible randomly, her eyes settled on a scripture and she read it out loud. “‘But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness.’”
She suddenly blinked as a thought crossed her mind. She read the scripture one more time and immediately knew in the depth of her heart why the scrupulosity had come back. It had come back gradually, and she hadn’t taken it seriously until it began to really bother her. But now she could trace the first time it had actually started. It was about the time she took the reins of the orphanage and also began all the ministerial roles as a minister’s wife.
She understood now what had happened. Because of her history with scrupulosity and then her deliverance, she had held on to her relationship with Christ and her righteousness in him by faith, knowing she was justified by faith alone. But when she began ministry, she started to depend way too much on what she did for the Lord to make herself right before him, rather than on his unconditional love. The more she did for him, the better she felt about herself and her place in God. At least, at first. But gradually, her good works seemed never to be enough and she had to do more and more in order to feel like she was a true Christian and that God was pleased with her. This was how the anxiety attacks had started again.