I Could Be You

by I Could Be You (epub)

  I’ve spent a week working it back and forth in my head, looking at every angle for a flaw, but it’s really the perfect solution.

  I stand up, go over to the mantelpiece and pick up the photo.

  ‘Snowdon,’ she says. ‘Two years ago. Feels like another life completely.’

  ‘Strange,’ I say, running my fingers along my plait. ‘When I saw this first, I thought it was me in the photo, not you.’

  I look across at her and smile.

  ‘I could be you, couldn’t I?’

  Fifty-Two

  Ella

  When Roxanne got back, they agreed it was time to go to the police. Ella asked her to keep an eye on Jake while she went outside to call Dee. Somehow, she had to find a way to persuade Dee to come to Chislehurst and take care of Jake.

  ‘You really think she’ll do this for you?’ Roxanne asked.

  ‘She’ll know by now that I lied to her,’ Ella said. ‘And I think that will have hurt her. But she’ll come. Maybe not for me, but she’ll do it for Jake.’

  She followed the path that led from the west side of Roxanne’s house, past fields of sheep and cattle, through a wooded area that was cool beneath the cover of leafy trees, and onto the ridge of a hill with spectacular views across London.

  The city was so huge, so full of promise. It would be easy for Ella and Jake to lose themselves amongst all the millions of other people living there. She imagined the different lives they might lead if they kept running. They could get the train from Chislehurst into the city, melting into that great melting pot along with everyone else. Except she was so tired of running.

  The decision to tell the truth was liberating. Finally she could stop pretending. It was a clear, sunny day and it felt good to be out here, feeling the heat of the sun on her face, instead of stuck inside too scared to step outside the house in case someone saw her. She was alive. Unlike Katie.

  She wanted to be you.

  Had Ella always known? Maybe. More than once, Tom had commented on how Katie copied the way Ella dressed and wore her hair. At the time, Ella had thought he was reading too much into it. Didn’t all young women basically dress the same?

  Back when she was working in the pub, Gus had noticed it too.

  ‘You and my Katie could be sisters, you know,’ he’d told her once.

  To her shame, Ella hadn’t found the comparison flattering. It was only a few months later that she realised Gus was right. With all the weight Katie had lost and her new hairstyle, Ella could see why some people would think they looked alike.

  Had it all been for Shane? she wondered now. Had Katie tried to look like Ella so Shane would notice her? Sadly for Katie, it hadn’t worked. If it had, maybe none of the rest of it would have happened. Gus would still be alive, Shane would never have gone to prison and Katie wouldn’t have been killed.

  At the time, Shane going to prison seemed like the answer to all Ella’s problems. Now, she understood that you couldn’t fix one bad thing by simply replacing it with another. She should have told the truth about what happened that night and faced the consequences.

  She hadn’t switched her phone on since leaving London. When she did so now, the voicemail symbol appeared on her screen. She dialled her voicemail, then wished she hadn’t. Message after message from Dee, begging her to let her know she was okay.

  ‘I don’t care what you’ve done,’ Dee said. ‘Just call me, Katie. Please. I need to know you’re both all right.’

  Dear Dee. By now, she’d know Ella had lied to her. She’d be hurt, but Ella hoped that wouldn’t prevent her doing her this one final favour. Even if she didn’t want to help Ella – and who could blame her for that? – Ella didn’t think she would turn her back on Jake.

  She scrolled through her list of contacts until she found Dee’s number. As she waited for the call to connect, she pictured her friend sitting on the deck outside her house. A glass of wine in her hand, her mobile phone blasting out Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’. But the phone went straight to voicemail, and Ella got a recorded message of Dee’s voice asking her to leave a message. She told Dee she was sorry and asked her to call her back as soon as she could.

  She had barely hung up when the phone started to ring. She answered, expecting to hear Dee’s voice, but it wasn’t Dee.

  ‘Hello, Ella.’

  Everything stopped. Her blood froze. Shock and terror made speaking or breathing impossible. She took the phone away from her ear, looked at it as if doing that might help her understand. Saw Roxanne’s name on the screen. Thought for a moment it was her mind playing tricks on her. But when she listened again, she knew there was no mistake.

  ‘Aren’t you going to ask me how I’m doing?’

  His voice was exactly as she remembered it. She opened her mouth to ask him what she wanted. But before she could speak, she heard Jake. Crying and calling her name.

  ‘Mamma, Mamma, Mamma!’

  ‘Shut up!’ Shane shouted. Too loud and too angry. Jake’s crying intensified, the sound scraping through Ella’s insides, splitting her open.

  ‘Please,’ she whispered. ‘Please don’t hurt him.’

  In reply, Shane ended the call. The click as the line disconnected echoed in Ella’s ear as she turned and ran back towards the house. Running faster than she’d ever run in her life. Knowing her son’s life depended on it.

  ‘Jake!’

  She shouted his name repeatedly as she ran from the kitchen to his bedroom to the sitting room, searching for her son. But the house was empty. Fear gnawed its way deeper into her soul. He had to be here. She searched the rooms again, looking in wardrobes, behind the sofas and underneath beds.

  The wardrobe in Roxanne’s room wouldn’t open. Ella was about to leave it when she heard something. A shuffling sound coming from inside the wardrobe.

  ‘Jake?’

  The wardrobe vibrated, as if someone inside was trying to get out.

  ‘Jake! Is that you, darling?’

  Ella grabbed the handle and pulled. Nothing happened. She banged her fist against the door.

  ‘Hang on, Jake,’ she said. ‘Mummy’s here. It’s okay. I’m going to get you out now.’

  But it wasn’t Jake. Because she could hear him outside the house, screaming. She raced out, following the sound until she reached the shed at end of the garden. The door was open. She could see Shane and Jake inside. Shane was holding on to Jake with one hand, using the other to keep the knife pressed against his throat.

  A moan rose through Ella’s body. Her little boy. His face white, eyes wide open, terrified. Ella ran forward, willing Shane not to hurt him.

  ‘It’s okay, Jakey. Mummy’s not going to let anything bad happen to you.’ Her voice was trembling so badly she could barely get the words out.

  She dragged her eyes away from Jake’s face to Shane’s.

  ‘Let him go. Please, Shane. This is nothing to do with him.’

  ‘This is everything to do with him!’ Shane screamed. ‘It’s his fault. She was pushing his buggy and I thought she was you.’ His face was white and damp, sweat rolling down his cheeks. His eyes darted about the place. He looked ill. Or high.

  ‘Let Jake go.’ Ella made her voice as calm as she could. ‘Let him go and leave him here and we can talk. I don’t want to do this in front of him.’

  ‘I don’t care what you want,’ Shane said. Splatters of spit exploded from his mouth each time he spoke, landing on Jake’s hair. Ella had to clench her hands to stop herself reaching out and grabbing him. ‘Katie was my only friend. She knew all about you. Does your son know? Mummy’s a murderer, Jake. She killed a man. Did you know that?’

  Jake started to cry. Fat tears rolling down his cheeks. His little body shaking.

  ‘Six years,’ Shane said. ‘Six years inside that shitting hellhole for something I didn’t do. How old’s your boy? Two? Three? Even if I killed him now, that wouldn’t make up for it.’

  Ella couldn’t take her eyes off the knife, willing it not to mov
e, not to press harder.

  ‘Six. Fucking. Years.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘Let him go, Shane. If you let him go, I’ll turn myself in. I’ll tell the truth.’

  ‘It’s too late for that.’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know. If I could turn the clock back, I would. Let Jake go and I’ll do anything you want. I swear to you.’

  ‘Anything?’

  She nodded her head, not trusting herself to speak.

  ‘Prove it,’ Shane said. ‘Take your top off. Show me how far you’re willing to go to make things up to me.’

  ‘Not in front of Jake,’ Ella said.

  ‘Fine.’ Shane shoved Jake away and came towards her. He traced the knife along her cheek and down her neck. Used the blade to cut through the thin material of her blouse, slashing until it fell open, revealing her bra underneath.

  She could see Jake on the ground behind him, curled up in a ball, sobbing.

  ‘In the house,’ she said. ‘We’ll be more comfortable.’

  Shane shoved her, hard. She stumbled backwards and fell out of the door onto the grass. As she scrabbled to stand up, Shane reached down, grabbed her shoulder and dragged her up. With his free hand, he pressed the knife against her throat, then pushed her towards the house.

  She told herself it didn’t matter what he did to her, or how badly he hurt her. The only thing in the world that mattered right now was keeping Jake safe.

  Fifty-Three

  Ella

  He half pushed, half dragged her across the lawn. She saw Roxanne’s car parked in the driveway. Which meant Roxanne had come home earlier than expected. It was Roxanne in the wardrobe. Locked inside, unable to get out.

  Shane pushed open the door to the sitting room and shoved her inside. She landed heavily, the air rushing from her body. She tried to get to her knees, but he put his foot on her back, pushing her down until she was lying on her stomach. He pressed harder, so hard she couldn’t breathe and she thought her ribs would crack beneath the weight.

  Suddenly the pressure was gone. But before she could try to get up again, Shane grabbed her left wrist, then her right, pulling them both behind her back. Kept pulling until she screamed out in pain. He wrapped thick tape around her wrists, and when he was done and she couldn’t move her arms, he did the same to her ankles.

  ‘Let me go!’ She tried to wriggle forward. He grabbed her right ankle and she screamed, kicking back as hard as she could. He pulled harder and she fell forward, her face smashing into the carpet. Through the pain, she could smell him. The stink of his body all around her. The memories of everything he’d done to her and the terrible thing she’d done too, all of it churning around inside her and around her until she couldn’t control the panic that rose up inside her like an explosion.

  He grabbed a handful of her hair, pulled her up until she was on her knees. Then he walked around so he was facing her, his crotch centimetres from her face. He moved closer, put his hand on her head. She bit back the scream that rose up her throat. Told herself again that it was okay, it didn’t matter. She could do – would do – anything. He leaned down, tore off another strip of tape and wound it around her mouth and the back of her head.

  ‘What did you think?’ he said. ‘That I’d want to touch you after everything you’ve done?’

  She couldn’t speak, could just about breathe through her nose if she stayed calm. But every time she thought of Jake, panic rushed through her, making her heart race and her chest and throat so tight she was unable to drag enough air into her lungs. She heard a whistling sound, knew it was her own breathing. Tried to tell herself that meant she was okay. She was breathing, even if it didn’t feel like she was. She wasn’t going to die. Not just yet.

  ‘You ruined my life.’ Shane took a step back so she could see him properly for the first time. She didn’t want to look at him, but she couldn’t help it. Her eyes drawn to the face that had haunted her dreams for so many years.

  He’d aged. His body was twice the width it had once been, although the bulk was more muscle than fat. Strands of white in his dark hair that he now wore cropped short. His face was gaunt and drawn. There was an unhealthy sheen to his skin and dark rings like pouches beneath his eyes. The left side of his face was bruised and swollen. And he was trembling. His entire body shaking, as if he was cold. But he couldn’t be cold, because he was sweating. His face was wet and there were dark patches under the arms of his faded grey T-shirt.

  She started struggling, trying to free her hands, because she knew now that he wasn’t going to let her go.

  ‘You stitched me up,’ he said. ‘You and that cow Roxanne. Katie was the only one who believed me. If it wasn’t for Katie, I wouldn’t have the courage to be here today. She helped me understand how much damage you’d done. And she knew we needed to make you pay. We waited. We wanted you to think you’d got away with it. Then, when you were all happy with your new life, we were going to take it away from you. Only I fucked up, didn’t I? I killed Katie instead of you.’

  His voice broke, and Ella realised he was crying.

  ‘She left me.’ Shane took a few shaky breaths and used his sleeve to wipe his nose. ‘She went to Australia and I had nobody and no way of finding you. She was the only one who knew where you were. All the time she was away, I waited like she asked me to. Then three months ago, I get a phone call and it’s Katie and she says she’s back in the UK. And it was so bloody good to hear her voice again. I thought, this is it. We can punish you for what you did, and afterwards we can be together. Finally. She told me what you’d done. Making her pretend to be you, just so you could get away from me. What kind of sad fuck would do something like that?’

  Ella shook her head. It was Katie’s idea, not hers. But Shane didn’t seem to notice. He’d started pacing, his movements jerky and uncoordinated, spittle flying from his mouth as he continued speaking. He was wired, Ella realised. Coke or speed and something else too, maybe.

  ‘Katie said she’d had enough. She wanted to see you alone first to tell you she wasn’t going to pretend any longer. She asked me not to come. She let me drive her to Eastbourne, told me to go home and wait until she called. But I’d already waited too long, hadn’t I?

  ‘She never called and I was worried you’d hurt her, so I drove back. I wasn’t planning to do anything. Not right then, anyway. But then I saw you pushing the buggy, and something inside me snapped. There you were, walking in the sunshine without a care in the world. With your own child. You had a child, and what did I have? Nothing. It was too much. I didn’t even think about what I was doing. I pressed my foot down on the accelerator and I drove straight into you.

  ‘But it wasn’t you, and now she’s dead and I’ve lost the only person who really loved me, and everything has got so messed up and it’s your fault.’

  Ella shook her head again.

  ‘Yes!’ Shane screamed. ‘You fucked it all up for me, Ella. What did I ever do to you that was so bad?’

  Images of that morning danced in front of her. She’d slept badly, her mind going back to the previous afternoon, when she’d spotted him on the train. She realised he must have followed her from the pub, although she hadn’t noticed him there when she’d left. She’d pretended to eat breakfast, mumbling monosyllabic answers to her mother’s questions, before grabbing her bag and heading out to college. The first thing she’d seen when she stepped outside was Oscar, her beloved dog, lying dead in their front garden. And she knew it wasn’t a coincidence. Shane Gilbert had followed her home, and now Oscar was dead.

  She stared at him, hoping he’d see the hatred she felt for him burning out of her eyes.

  ‘Why would you do that to someone?’ he asked, sounding genuinely confused. ‘One minute you’re with them and it’s all great, the next you’re ignoring them and telling them you don’t want anything to do with them.’

  She wanted to tell him they’d split up because he was a sleaze who had cheated on her during their short time t
ogether. But the tape prevented her from saying anything. All she could do was listen to his deluded perspective on their short-lived romance.

  ‘We had a connection,’ he said. ‘Something special. I wanted to keep the connection alive, but you pushed me away. And then, when I was ready to accept it was really over, you reeled me back in. All those messages telling me how much you wanted me, pretending to feel something for me. It was all a joke, wasn’t it?’

  Ella had no idea what he was talking about. After Oscar, she’d never wanted to see him again.

  Shane leaned forward, grabbed her by the hair, forced her to look out of the window. At the shed.

  ‘Ever seen a shed burn down, Ella?’

  No! The word got lost behind the tape.

  He pushed her to the ground and walked away, leaving her alone in the room. She struggled to her knees, shuffled across to the door, into the hall. The back door was open. She could see Shane outside, leaning down by the corner of the shed.

  Moments later, the bottom edges of the shed lit up. A line of flames moving fast along the sides of the building, creeping up along the walls. Ella threw herself forward, tumbling down the steps that led to the garden. The stink of burnt timber filled her nose and throat. The crackle of flames roared as the fire took hold. And her little boy was trapped inside the shed, unable to get out.

  Fifty-Four

  Dee

  Dee was familiar with Chislehurst from when she’d lived in London. It was a quaint, affluent village on the southern edges of the city. She used to get a train there on Sundays and go walking in the nearby countryside.