Lies and Lullabies

by Sarina Bowen

  Pacing the surgical waiting room was my new hobby. After several more laps, the clock revealed that only two minutes had passed.

  I was going to make myself crazy before Adam’s surgery was over, but I didn’t have the first idea how to calm down.

  For a change of pace, I powered up my phone and decided to worry about Vivi for a few minutes. I ducked into the linoleum hallway to make a call.

  Eight missed calls, complained my phone. And every one of them was from Jonas.

  Ignoring those, I pulled up my friend’s number and dialed.

  “Hi Kira,” Kathy answered. “The girls are doing great together.”

  “That’s good to hear. Should I say hello to her, or just let them carry on?”

  “Vivi is too busy to miss you right now.”

  “I’m sure you’re right.”

  “Any news on Adam?”

  “Not a word yet. But thanks for asking.”

  “Hang in there,” Kathy urged. “It’s all going to be fine.”

  “I can’t thank you enough for taking Vivi today.”

  “Stop saying that! It’s nothing. Now go be there for Adam.”

  “Thanks. I will.”

  I disconnected the call, just as a text message popped up. Sweetness. Please call me. I’m getting really worried.

  Oh boy. Making Jonas worry had never been the point. We are fine, I tapped out. Just need some time.

  His response was immediate. Where are you?

  I didn’t really want to get into it. But maybe if I gave him a clue about what kind of a week I was having, he’d leave me alone. I’m at Mass General, I typed. That sounded dire, so I added: Adam is having a small surgical procedure today. Sorry, can’t talk now.

  I sent the message, then went back to pacing the waiting room. Adam’s surgery wasn’t supposed to last very long, but they’d taken him into the OR forty minutes ago already. I shouldn’t have had that third cup of coffee. Big mistake. My stomach behaved as if it meant to climb up my esophagus and eject.

  A doctor came through the double doors leading to the operating rooms, and every head swiveled in his direction. “Barnaby?” he called.

  The Barnabys, lucky souls, jumped out of their chairs and went to consult with him. I walked over to the window for the fiftieth time and looked out. It was still the same view of the dumpsters, with a narrow slice of a congested roadway in the distance.

  Sigh.

  Twenty more minutes crept by without incident. In the best case scenario, Adam would have a successful surgery with no follow-up radiation treatments. “Although radiation isn’t the end of the world,” he’d told me a few dozen times.

  Theoretically, this bad dream might be a distant memory by the time the trees on the Common turned orange. If Adam was lucky.

  “Kira Cassidy?”

  I spun around to find a doctor in the doorway, and I trotted over to her in a big hurry. “I’m Kira.”

  “Adam is out of surgery. Everything went fine.”

  “Was it contained?” I asked, breathless.

  “Yes. No surprises.” She gave me a quick smile. “The tumor hadn’t spread any further than we could see on the scan. So we took exactly what we expected to. And the oncologist will follow up with Adam after he heals.”

  “Can I see him?”

  “Sure.” The doctor beckoned. “Come with me. He’ll be very groggy, so don’t ask him to make any sense. But you can see him.”

  I tiptoed into a recovery room, where three patients lay on gurneys. A nurse hovered, checking IV lines and taking vitals.

  Adam lay under a blue sheet, his hands still at his sides, his eyes closed.

  I couldn’t help but touch him. “Hey,” I whispered, squeezing his hand, brushing a lock of hair across his forehead. He looked so pale.

  His eyes flickered open and then locked on mine. “Hey,” he rasped.

  “It’s all done,” I said, my throat closing up. He looked so vulnerable lying here.

  “Already?” he squeaked. His eyes seemed to open wider, although his gaze was a little unfocused. “Something wrong?”

  “Not a thing,” I said quickly. “I’m just happy to see you. The doctor said everything went fine. No surprises.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again. “I want to keep it.”

  “Keep what, Adam?”

  “My nut.”

  I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “Um, what?”

  “What do you think they did with it? Put it in a jar?”

  I was trying to figure out what sort of response would be the most soothing when I heard a distant commotion.

  “Oh my God!” squealed a female voice. I froze, listening for sounds of distress. “Oh my God!” came again. But it sounded more like joy than terror. And wasn’t that odd for the surgical ward?

  I was giving Adam’s hand another squeeze when a nurse stuck her head into the room. “Samantha!” She hissed at her colleague. “You know that band Hush Note?”

  “Yeah?” her coworker said, looking up.

  “One of ’em is out in the waiting room. Get someone to cover for you. Come see.”

  “Oh, crap,” I whispered to myself. Jonas was here?

  Adam’s gaze swam up to my face again. “If they put it in a jar or something, I could bring it home with me.”

  The voices outside grew louder, and I thought I could hear Jonas arguing with someone.

  “Just a second, Adam,” I whispered. “I’ll be right back.” After patting my brother’s hand, I dashed into the hallway. I found the origin of the scuffle at the nurse’s station, where a group of women surrounded the desk—and Jonas.

  “Excuse me!” I elbowed my way into the center of the group. “Jonas, what are you doing here?”

  He turned to me, looking flustered. And, damn it, just one look into his green eyes had a wave of longing rolling through me like the tide. It took a few beats of my heart before I could focus again. Belatedly, I noticed he was holding a rather enormous plush horse in his arms.

  “You weren’t answering your phone, and so I followed the signs to surgery.”

  Focus, Kira. “I need to get back to Adam.”

  “Why? Is he all right?”

  “Yes, probably. But we sure aren’t here for the fun of it.”

  I could not have this conversation in a public place. I turned away, and Jonas followed me to the double doors. After pushing through, an unfamiliar nurse stopped me. “Who are you here for?”

  “Adam Cassidy. I’m his sister.”

  The nurse checked her clipboard. “Okay. And you?” She gave Jonas an evil stare. Clearly she was not a Hush Note fan. “Are you family?”

  “Yes,” Jonas said at the same moment that I said, “No.”

  “Am so!” Jonas complained. “I’m his niece’s father.”

  The nurse rolled her eyes, tired of us already. “You have ten more minutes in that recovery room. Then Mr. Cassidy is relocating to a private room down the hall.”

  “Thank you.” I stalked past her, Jonas hot on my heels.

  When I reached Adam’s side, he gave me a watery smile. His eyes drifted behind me, to Jonas and the giant stuffy under his arm. “For me? You shouldn’t have.”

  “It’s for Vivi’s birthday.”

  “She’ll fucking love that,” Adam rasped. “She’s going to make us pretend it’s real, isn’t she? I’ll have to feed it.”

  “But not clean up after it,” Jonas pointed out.

  Two nurses swooped in on Adam, one checking his IV, the other writing on his chart. “We’re going to move him now. Room number 227. Okay, Adam? Are you up for a little ride?”

  “Whee!” Adam called as the gurney began rolling.

  Without a glance at Jonas, I began following my brother down the hall. When we reached room 227, the nurse paused at the door. “Give us a couple of minutes to settle him.”

  And so we stood there in the hospital corridor: Jonas, me, and a large stuffed pony. Reluctan
tly, I met his eyes.

  “Baby, why?”

  “Why what?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Why won’t you talk to me? I’ve been out of my mind.”

  I took a minute to study his face. With those warm, clear eyes looking back at me, it was hard to keep my cool. “I just wanted to get through this.” I tipped my head toward Adam’s room.

  “But I can help you, right? With anything. Wasn’t that the plan?”

  I thought it was. Until I realized all over again that you could break my heart. “I thought it would be easier to talk to you when things had settled down.”

  “Easier for you, maybe. But I’m all alone on that bus, wondering if you guys are okay.”

  All alone, he’d said. As if. That only made me angry.

  “Why couldn’t you just return one of my calls?”

  “I did, Jonas. But you were too busy to come to the phone.”

  His eyes widened. “I’m never too busy for you, unless I’m onstage. When was this?”

  I shrugged, miserable. I really didn’t want to get into it, especially not here. “We can talk about it later.”

  “We can talk about it now, Kira. I didn’t get any calls from you.”

  “It was Wednesday night. A woman answered your phone, and she said you…” I swallowed. “Look, I’m not talking about this. Not now. Not with Adam looped on drugs and Vivi at a friend’s house.”

  “A woman answered my phone. On Wednesday night?”

  “Just… drop it, okay?”

  “What did she say, sweetness?”

  “Don’t…” call me that, I wanted to say. But I only shook my head, horrified to find that my throat felt hot just remembering that call.

  Jonas pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped at the screen. “I’m sorry to doubt you. I do see a call from you at 10:28. It lasted thirty-two seconds.”

  Thirty-two seconds of utter humiliation. That sounded about right.

  He tapped the screen again and held the phone to his ear. Apparently nobody was picking up, because after a few moments, he tried a different number. I wondered when the nurses would finally let me into Adam’s room.

  “Ethan. Yeah, I made it here. Please tell me that it’s pouring in Nashville. Good. Listen—is Quinn there? She’s not answering my call. I need her, like, right this second.” He shifted the stuffed horse to the other arm. “Hey, Quinn. Tell me this—did you answer a call from Kira on Wednesday night?” He made a grunt of irritation. “Girl, it’s a yes or no question.”

  I winced.

  “You let who answer my phone? Some woman. What woman? Fuck—it doesn’t matter. Why did you let some stranger fuck with Kira when I was out eating barbecue with a bunch of DJs with body odor? And what exactly did that rando tell her I was doing?”

  Oh dear. I may have jumped to a few conclusions. But in my defense, that’s exactly what the other voice on the phone had wanted.

  “She was vague, huh. In what way?” He turned to face the wall and proceeded to knock his forehead into it. Twice. “Quinn, seriously, that is some next level bullshit. It’s the kind of bullshit you can’t stand, and I honestly don’t know how you could do this to me.”

  As he listened to Quinn talk, he pinched his eyes shut in an expression of anger.

  “Okay,” he said finally. “Here’s what I need from you. I’m going to hand the phone to Kira. And you’re going to tell her the truth. All the truth, Quinn. If you’re entirely honest, I won’t tell Us Weekly that you cried during your nose-piercing. And when I get back to the tour, you can try to explain why you’d do such a thing.”

  He held out the phone to me. “Jonas, I…”

  “Please. Just listen to her. We need to clear this up.”

  I took the phone and put it to my ear. “Hello?” Please, Lord, make this conversation last five seconds or less.

  “Look,” Quinn’s voice was softer than I thought possible. “I don’t know why I let that happen. It was a dumbass thing to do. And I’m sorry. You both deserve better, and your kid is seriously cute.”

  “Thank you,” I said curtly.

  “Wait—” Quinn said, anticipating the handoff of the phone that I was about to do. “Promise me you won’t hurt him.”

  “What?”

  “Jonas is so sweet and lonely that I worry about him. And he never stops talking about you. So please be good to him. He’s the best there is.”

  That stopped me cold for a moment. Was Quinn in love with him? “Okay,” I said eventually. “Point taken.” Then I offered the phone to Jonas again.

  He put it to his ear. “I know you’re sorry. Yeah, okay. Just don’t ever do that again.” He signed off and put his phone back in his pocket. Then he set the stuffed horse down, where it stood in the hallway like a dog at attention. Putting one hand on either side of my shoulders, he trapped me against the wall. “I need you to talk to me if you have a question. Don’t just hide.”

  Well, ouch. “All right. Fine.”

  “Maybe I should have been more clear when I saw you last, but there wasn’t enough time. You’re it for me, sweetness. There won’t be anyone else. And Quinn won’t be the last person to try to make you wonder about me. I read about myself in the tabloids all the time. According to them, I’ve been engaged a dozen times. Also, I once had an alien mistress, who gave birth to my half-human child. But the people who say all that shit are people who have unfulfilling lives, and don’t know us at all. I need you to remember that.”

  I stared up at him and tried not to drown in his turquoise gaze.

  Jonas cupped my jaw in his palm. “That goes for Quinn, too. She’s an angry girl. She has her reasons, but that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to pull any of her bullshit on you. I’ll make sure of it.”

  “Okay. Were you ever with her?” I asked suddenly, sounding just as jealous as I felt.

  “No, baby.” Jonas closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them. And when I forced myself to meet his gaze, I saw pain there. “But I was with a lot of people. I was always looking for something and never finding it. And then when I found it, I didn’t recognize it, and I walked away. I’m never doing that again. If I have to quit this tour to prove it to you, I will.”

  “You can’t do that,” I whispered.

  He shrugged. “I can do whatever I want. It won’t make people happy. It would cost me a fortune and put Nixon and the rest of the band in a big fat lurch. But I don’t know any other way to show you that there’s only one thing I’m scared of. And that’s losing you and Vivi again.”

  “I’m scared of plenty,” I blurted, my eyes watering.

  Jonas pulled me into his chest. “I know you are. And I know you have a lot to handle right now. So we’ll do this however you need to. But I’m not walking away, Kira. I’ll keep telling you, and I’ll keep showing you as often as I can.”

  I let him hold me right there in the hallway. “It’s been just Vivi and me and Adam, for a long time.”

  “I know, sweetness. So you have to get used to me. And I’m trying to help you do that. But first, you have to tell me what’s wrong with your brother.”

  I felt suddenly exhausted. This was the most emotionally draining day in an emotionally draining month. “He has testicular cancer. Or he did until about a half an hour ago. He asked me not to tell anyone, because he’s embarrassed. You can do the math on why.”

  “Oh, shit,” Jonas said. “Is the math…two minus one?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed.

  Jonas gave an uncomfortable grunt. “That sounds horrible. You must be so worried.”

  “It hasn’t been an easy week. Let’s go and see him now,” I whispered.

  “Let’s,” Jonas agreed.

  The nurses were trying to get Adam settled into his room, but he just wouldn’t relax.

  “Who do you have to blow around here to get your own testicle back?” he wondered at the top of his lungs. “They must have a jar of formaldehyde, right? In the pathology lab? I want to keep it on the shelf
of my office. Jonas! Come over here. Can you pull some strings?”

  “I would if I could, dude.”

  “The drugs they have here are really awesome. You should try some.”

  “Maybe another time.”

  “Jonas, I only have one nut,” Adam confessed.

  I wished he would stop talking, because after the drugs wore off he was going to regret saying all of this.

  “I knew a drummer who only had one,” Jonas said. “Whenever he got drunk he used to tell the story of how he lost one in an accident. He liked to show us the scar.”

  “Fuck me!” Adam shuddered. “Did you know—” He swiveled his head to look at Jonas. “—most testicular cancer is self-diagnosed? Feel yourself up and live a long life.”

  “That’s good advice, man.” He held up a hand and Adam high-fived him.

  “I need to know how weird it looks,” Adam said. He put one hand over his eyes. “But I’m afraid to look.”

  “You can look tomorrow,” I said gently.

  “Hey, Jonas? Can you write me a song called One-nut Wonder? I could use it to pick up guys.”

  “That would totally work,” Jonas agreed, not bothering to hide his smile.

  “So, I think I’ll sleep now?” Adam said loopily. “Can you take care of Kira? I think she’s freaking out.” Then Adam’s eyes seemed to roll back in his head, and he relaxed onto the pillow.

  I let out a shaky breath, my heart quaking. Adam had come through the surgery, but nothing was settled.

  “Can I take you home?” Jonas asked.

  I shook my head. “I want to stay until he wakes up again. Or at least until five o’clock.” I checked my watch. “That’s about as long as I dare to impose on the friend who’s taking care of Vivi right now.”

  “Okay.” He paced. “What if I picked up Vivi? I could bring her home to your apartment, and feed her some dinner.”

  “Oh.” My heart dipped at the idea of Jonas and Vivi walking the streets of Boston together. Could I really just hand Vivi over to him?

  Jonas stepped closer to me. “Hey.” He tipped my chin gently toward him. “I’d never let anything happen to your little girl. I can keep her safe. Is she far away from your place?”

  My eyes met his, and the familiar warmth I found there gave me a jolt. When he looked at me like that, it was hard to be afraid. But also, it was hard to say no. And that couldn’t be good. I cleared my throat. “She’s at our friends’ house right across the street.”