Just Breathe

by Célia Pereira

It’s the middle of the night when Bailey’s monitors start going crazy. At first, I think I’m having one of my nightmares, which I haven’t had since being at the hospital, but then again, I haven’t been sleeping much to have them. I jolt my head up and look in Bailey’s direction when, to my surprise, she is staring right at me, those bright green eyes now locked with mine. Before I can make a move, the overnight nurse comes running in with the on-call doctor and ushers me out of the room. Before I can ask what the fuck is going on, they close the door in my face. I pace by the door like a caged animal, waiting to be released, while they do God knows what in there. I just about had enough, and am about to barge in, when the doctor comes out.

  “What happened? Is she okay?” I demand.

  “She’s stable and resting.”

  “What happened?” I demand once again, more sternly this time.

  “Mr. McKnight, I understand this is scary for you, but believe me when I say she is fine. Unfortunately, Bailey’s blood pressure spiked when she woke up. This could mean many things or nothing at all. When coming out of an induced coma, blood pressure spikes can occur, as well as short-term memory loss and inability to move. These were all explained to you by Dr. Evans, I’m sure.” He pauses, and I nod my understanding, not liking anything he’s saying, but waiting for him to continue.

  “From my diagnosis, her blood pressure spike was due to her coming out of the induced coma and being in extreme pain, but her medication has been adjusted properly so she should be somewhat comfortable. As of right now, she seems to know her name, who Logan is, and even who you are. Granted, she is unable to speak due to the damage caused to her vocal cords and voice box, so we have her writing her responses on a small whiteboard.”

  At his words, I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Thank fuck she remembers.

  “Now, a spike like this may occur again. I gave her another dose of morphine to ease her pain and allow her to rest. I’m hoping that the next time she wakes up, she won’t be in such distress. Her blood pressure and heart rate are something we have to keep an eye on, but we don’t need her in a panic every time she comes to.”

  “Does this mean that every time she wakes up she could go into a panic from her pain?” I question, the concern evident in my voice.

  “No. We were able to calm her down enough to explain everything and have her write on the whiteboard. Now that she has already come to and knows her surroundings a bit, I’m pretty confident she will react much better. Her main concern is her son, of course. We explained he is safe, but any mother would rather see it with her own eyes.” He smiles at that.

  “She’s an amazing mom. Can I go back in?” I say in a rush, needing to get back by her side.

  “Of course. The nurse will be making her rounds more frequently to monitor her blood pressure and morphine intake.”

  I shake his hand and thank him for taking care of her then open the door and make my way back to Bailey’s side.

  I reach up to Bailey’s face and lightly move some of the curls that keep falling over her eyes.

  “She can hear you.”

  I look up at the nurse with a confused expression. “I’m sorry?”

  “She’s come to, so you can speak to her. It will probably encourage her to wake up with ease.” She softly smiles as she grabs her things and heads to the door.

  “I’ll be back in hourly to check on her. You press the red button near her head if there are any changes. Also, when she does wake up, encourage her not to speak. It will only cause her more pain and distress from the damage that has already been done.”

  I nod my understanding, and with that, she quietly closes the door, leaving me once again alone with the beeping sounds of Bailey’s monitors.

  “Baby…” I breathe out and grab her hand and bring it to my lips. “You gotta stop scaring the shit out of me.” I kiss her fingertips and then notice the whiteboard on the edge of her bed. I pick it up and see my name in her writing.

  “I’m right here, Bailey. Right here with you.” I watch her precious face but she doesn’t stir.

  “Just rest, baby. I’m not going anywhere.” I pick up the whiteboard and grab a tissue from the windowsill to wipe it clean. Then, for the remainder of the night, I write down everything that I know will be the first things on her mind and could cause her distress and panic if she doesn’t get the answers right away. I put the whiteboard next to her leg and place my hand in hers before laying my head down to rest until Logan calls.

  The beeping of the monitors is steady and begins to lull me to my usual sleep when, in the middle of their choir, a soft voice breaks through, “Ga…vin…”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Bailey

  “You are nothing to me! You killed the love of my life!” I had to run. If he caught me, he’d kill me this time.

  “Bailey, you just stay with me, okay! Don’t you dare close your eyes! Stay with me!”

  Gavin? Gavin! Save Logan, please! Why can’t I hear my voice? What is going on?

  “You kidnapped your son!”

  No! Please just hear me out! Please!

  “… You’ve given me reason to doubt you!”

  I know, I should never have lied to you. I was going to tell you, everything just got so crazy, so fast. Please…don’t leave me.

  “You want me gone? Fine! I’m gone!”

  No! Please, don’t leave. I—I love you…

  “…Zeus and I are at our happiest when with the both of you.”

  I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life…

  “If I’m going to die, you’re going to die too!”

  No! Logan!

  I force my eyes to open, but my right eye doesn’t cooperate, and my left one does but only ever so slightly. Oh my God! It feels like a wildfire is raging inside of my body, coursing through my veins, burning me from the inside out. Please, make it stop! I try and make out my surroundings but it’s too dark. He’s probably hiding. I have to get up and find Logan. I try and lift myself up but pain like I have never experienced before spreads through me, and I can’t breathe. I can barely hear the faint sounds of beeping, but as I struggle to catch my breath, they become louder. Then, as if out of thin air, he appears, my angel in the dark. I try to reach for him but as fast as he appeared, he’s gone, and in his place, a young woman and older gentleman in a white coat are at my side. They begin shoving a flashing light in my face and adjusting wires and tubes that I did not notice before.

  “Try and calm down a bit. I’m Dr. Michaels. You’re at Watermount Hospital in the ICU. Just try and take some calming breaths and I’ll explain everything.” He begins breathing with me, in and out, in and out, until the struggle is less. But the pain is still there. I try and ask for Logan but the struggle to breathe is back, and my throat, my damn, I just want to rip it out, it hurts so bad.

  “Don’t try to speak. I have a whiteboard so that you can communicate. Now, let’s calm that breathing down again.” He begins breathing again with me, and the struggle eases a little.

  “I know you must be in a lot of pain, and in just a few minutes, I’ll give you something that will ease it and help you rest. I just want to go over a few things with you, and I’m sure you have some questions for me.” He smiles at me while he takes my blood pressure and listens to my heartbeat. He needs to get on with the updates and tell me where Logan is so he can give me something for this excruciating pain.

  “All right, let’s start with your name.” He hands me the whiteboard and helps place the black marker in my hand. My hands are shaking, and I have no strength, but I manage to jot down my name, Bailey Peterson.

  “Good. Can you tell me the last thing you remember? Tell me in point form.” I jot down briefly that my father, Frank, showed up and attacked me. I remember calling out for Logan so he could hide and Frank beating me until everything went quiet and dark.

  “That’s good. What is your father’s full name?” he questions.

  I write down Fra
nk Silverthorne.

  “Good. And who is Logan to you?” He waits for my answer.

  I write down that he is my son. Because he is, and I don’t care what anyone says. He is mine, and no one is taking him from me.

  “And can you tell me the name of the gentleman who was in here with you?”

  As I’m about to write down Gavin’s name, fire explodes on my right side, making me squeeze my eyes shut as my body seizes in pain.

  “Okay, try and take a few small breaths. I’m going to give you some morphine in your IV, and in just a few minutes, you should feel better.”

  Once I can open my eyes again, or left eye, I go back to the whiteboard and write down Gavin’s name, even though I have no idea how or why he’s here.

  “Perfect. I’m happy with your responses, and I will tell you that Logan is safe with Gavin’s friends and Frank is in custody until you can give a statement. Your main focus right now is to rest and heal. Tomorrow morning, we can go over all your injuries and the events that took place.” He turns to speak with the nurse while jotting down some notes in my chart.

  Within seconds I can feel the wonderful sensation of numbness overtaking my body, leaving me relaxed enough that the beeping sound lulls me to sleep. The doctor said Logan is safe. He wouldn’t lie. With that in mind, I drift off to a place where Logan, Gavin, Zeus, and I live a perfect life with no secrets, abusive fathers coming after us and where Gavin never doubted me.

  ~

  I feel pressure on my leg and the sound of beeping in the distance growing louder. The smell of disinfectant hits my nose as I struggle to open my left eye and control my breathing. Once I have my eye open, I manage to look around the room. It’s a bit brighter now, with the sun coming up and peeking through the window, allowing me to make out my surroundings and the person lying against my leg. Gavin. He’s here. But why? He’s sitting on a chair but his upper body is lying on the bed, his head facing me while resting on my leg. He’s sleeping peacefully, it seems. His dark hair is tousled, and the piercing on his left eyebrow is glistening from the sunshine. His hand is gently grasping my fingertips as he sleeps. He looks so perfect and handsome. I try to squeeze his hand, but I don’t seem to have a good grip on it. I know the doctor said not to speak. If I’m honest with myself, I’m terrified of even trying since the feeling of sandpaper and fire are still very prominent in my throat. The urge to want to rip it out is still there but I need to know what happened to me, and most importantly, where Logan is. I breathe in and out, just like Dr. Michaels did with me the night before and gather all the strength I can to call out his name.

  “Ga…vin…” Sweet Lord! Okay, no more of that. I try to swallow, but that takes even more effort, and the dryness doesn’t help. What happened to my throat? I look in Gavin’s direction, and his dark chocolate eyes lock with mine. I feel the urge to cry at the fact he’s here with me, that he came back, but I’m also freaking out about where Logan is and confused as to why he would be here since he left so upset with me.

  “Bailey, you’re awake. Thank fuck, baby! You scared the shit out of me.”

  He grips my fingers a little tighter and gets up from the chair to come and press a soft kiss to my forehead. He then rests his forehead against mine and just stays like that for a while. God, it feels so good to have him here and close. The urge to wrap myself in him and allow him to protect me is so strong, but I need to remember that he’s not mine. That he left me when I needed him most. Before I can kill myself trying to speak, Gavin picks up the whiteboard and hands it to me.

  “I wrote down the most important things I knew you’d be worried about and need to know. I don’t want you hurting yourself to speak. You need to rest. Write down anything else you want to know and I’ll answer you.” He reaches for a Styrofoam cup with a straw in it and brings it to my lips.

  “Doctor said tiny sips.” He places the straw to my lips, and I slowly suck and feel the fresh water running down my throat. The sensation is so unreal to me—a feeling of cold, burning relief. Once I pull back, he places the cup back on the trolley next to my bed and then leans in and kisses my forehead once more before settling back in the chair and rubbing soft circles on my leg. I look down at the whiteboard and read all he has written.

  Logan will be here roughly between nine and nine-thirty. He stays the night with Ash and Hunter. I know, I still don’t know what is going on with them either.

  I look up at him and try to smile but my lip feels funny. In return, he gives me a half-smile and continues to rub my leg.

  He spends the day here with me, watching over you. I’m sorry, I asked how he felt about going to school during the day but he wasn’t too happy about it, and I didn’t have the heart to send him.

  I can feel the tears building behind my left eye—this man. I’m so confused about everything but at the same time I just wish we could be together. But he left you.

  You shouldn’t speak, beautiful. Your vocal cords and voice box are banged up. The doctor will explain everything; just don’t talk. I don’t want you to hurt more than you already are.

  I close my eye and take small breaths. He’s right; everything hurts, well, hurt is an understatement.

  He’s in custody and will be charged with attempted murder. Once you are feeling a bit better, Uncle Marcus will be by to have you sign some paperwork and give your statement. Everything has been lined up so that you are the legal and sole guardian of Logan once you get out of here. Then this fucking nightmare will be over.

  Ashton told me everything…

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I continue.

  I know I fucked up. There are no words that can tell you how sorry I am for reacting the way I did and for leaving you. I know you’re upset with me, and you have every right, but, Bailey, I’m not giving up. I’m going to show you that I want you and Logan in my life and that you can trust me. Nothing like this will ever happen again. I promise you.

  It's just too much. Everything he wrote about Logan being mine and him wanting us. It’s just too much and too confusing.

  “Baby, please don’t cry. Please”

  Gavin’s panic has me trying to gain some control of my emotions. Trying not to cry causes my breathing to become erratic and my right side to explode with pain. I’m using my hand to erase some of what he wrote when he hands me a tissue. I wipe it clean and begin to write to him.

  I’m so confused, Gavin. I don’t know what to say. Everything is such a mess.

  Logan will really be legally mine? For real? You’re not just saying that?

  I hold up the whiteboard to him. I watch his face to see if it changes in any way that can indicate he might be lying to me about Logan. He takes in what I wrote and I see when he reads the part of my confusion. He closes his eyes as if defeated before opening them back up and responding.

  “He is yours, Bailey. No one will ever be able to take him away from you.”

  He holds my stare, and I feel half the weight on my chest lift off. He’s mine. Really mine. I smile up at him and feel tightness on my lip, as if it’s about to split open. I lift my left hand to touch it, but Gavin holds it in his, stopping me from touching my face.

  “Don’t do that. Dr. Evans will be in here shortly to go over everything with you. He’s the one in charge of you. Last night’s doctor, Dr. Michaels, was the overnight on-call doctor,” he explains as he reaches behind the bed to grab something.

  I see a small jar in his hand and watch as he scoops a generous amount on his index finger before moving in closer to apply the salve on my bottom lip. It hurts and throbs as he tries his best to massage it gently into my lip. Even the hospital gown is bothering me though. My body feels like it’s about to burst into flames or shatter into a million pieces.

  “I know everything is a mess and that’s on me. Right now, all you need to focus on is resting and getting better. Just know that I’m not going anywhere, Bailey. I’m never leaving you or Logan’s side ever again.

  Before I can w
rite down anything in protest, the door opens and in comes an older gentleman with salt and pepper hair, wearing a white lab coat.

  “Good morning. I’m happy to get to see your pretty eye open finally,” he says gently, as he begins to take my blood pressure and brings out a flashlight to check my eye.

  “Okay, I’m going to ask you a few questions, and just a heads-up, myself and the nurses will be asking these same questions quite often while here, so bear with us.” He smiles again as he reaches for the whiteboard, wipes it clean, and then hands it over to me.

  “Dr. Michaels already explained to me that you came to last night and that you know speaking isn’t possible for you right now.”

  I nod my understanding.

  “Perfect. Now, can you tell me your name?”

  I write down Bailey Peterson.

  “Can you tell me your age?”

  I write twenty-one

  “Good. Do you know where you are?”

  I write Watermount hospital in ICU, in Watermount Falls.

  “Great. At least we don’t have to worry about memory loss.” He chuckles to himself while writing in my file.

  “Can you tell me who this gentleman is sitting next to you?” I look over at Gavin and watch him closely. He seems worried. I write down Gavin McKnight, my neighbor.

  “Are you experiencing any headaches? Light-headedness? Buzzing or ringing in the ears?” I write no to the buzzing and light-headedness, but I do say yes to a headache.

  “Okay, that’s good. The headache is not uncommon in your situation. Now, before we get to the big stuff, on a scale from one being the lowest and ten being the highest, how is your pain at the moment?”

  Ten is not even close. I write down six. I need to know the extent of my injuries, and if they give me the morphine I so desperately need, I will be asleep in minutes. I’m also sure Logan will be here shortly, and I desperately need to see him.

  “Are you sure it’s only a six?” Dr. Evans questions further.

  I look at Gavin again, and as if he can read my mind, he says gently, “Logan will be here the whole day. Even if you’re asleep when he gets here, when you wake up again, you’ll see him.” He gives me his half-smile, the one he gives when he’s not sure about my reaction.