Of Different Times

by Agnes Kirkwood

  When I reached the bottom of the stairs one of the girls told me that my mother had arrived and was in the Brigadier’s office. I patiently waited wondering what was taking them so long. Surely it didn’t take all that time to tell mum I had given birth to a little girl. The door opened and the Brigadier came out and asked me to get Barbara out of the nursery and bring her into her office so my mother could see her. I rushed into the nursery and gently took my baby out of her crib, and made my way to the office. Barbara was wide awake and looking straight at me. She looked a little picture, I felt so proud. I dressed her after feeding time in one of the nicest nighties and put on the little pink matinee coat I knitted her. She looked gorgeous. When mum saw her the tears filled up in her eyes, and when I placed her in her arms they rolled down her cheeks and dripped off her chin. The first thing she said, it was like holding me when I was a baby, the only difference being I had dark hair.

  After a few moments Brigadier asked me to put the baby back in the nursery, and enjoy what was left of my visiting time.

  Before I had the baby, visiting time was three hours. Now I only had two hours, and half an hour had already gone.

  By the time we found somewhere to have a cup of tea, all we could do was talk. The subject was all about giving birth and how all my chores now revolve around my baby. Mum told me the usual messages from the rest of the family, and how they were all asking about me. I asked mum what Brigadier said to her in the office all that time. She said she asked if the lad driving the van was a relation, but she told her Stan was just a friend. I gulped and felt my heart miss a beat because I knew exactly why Brigadier asked that. I wasn’t going to say anything, that was until I looked at Stan’s face and could tell he was disappointed at mum calling him just a friend. Then I told him how I tried to pretend he was my cousin so he could come in and see the baby, but the officer must have told Brigadier and that was why she asked mum who you were.

  He smiled, shrugged his shoulders and seemed to be stuck for words, so I never pursued it any further. He seemed very quiet, and must have felt out of place because all we talked about was babies and family. I never got any time alone with Stan that day because time flew past and before long it was time to go back to the Home.

  As we stopped outside Mum gave me a hug said cheerio and handed me a parcel saying Happy Birthday. I thought she had forgotten but I never said anything. Stan got out first and as I jumped out he handed me a little parcel and told me to open it when inside. We said our goodbyes and as I walked up the path looking up at the window to see if Maureen was there. She was and I smiled and waved then as I reached the door and rung the bell I waved to mum and Stan as the van drove off. I hurried inside and opened my presents. Mum bought me a lovely cardigan. And Stan bought me a silver locket; which I still have to this day.

  When I went to bed that night, I reminisced about visiting time, and thought how very quiet Stan had been. I wondered if it was because he was fed up with this whole baby situation; and didn’t want to get involved any more.

  All that week I had the same gut feeling I had the first week I was there; that Stan wouldn’t want to see me no more. One minute I hoped he still wanted me the next I felt really selfish hoping he would finish with me, and then I would take Barbara home with me. Deep down I loved him, he had done so much for me, and I wouldn’t have got this far without him. I only wished he loved me enough to except my flesh and blood as well. Deep down I really thought he did, so I made up my mind that if he did come next visiting time, I would put it to him that I wanted to keep Barbara, and then see what his reactions were.

  During feeding her, I used to daydream that Stan would burst through the door and shout, come on Nan, don’t give her away we’ll get married and live happy ever after. But that was just me fantasising, because I knew in my heart that was never going to happen.

  Stan did drive up in the blue van the following Saturday. Mum wanted to see Barbara again, so I brought her to the nursery door and put her into her arms. I asked her if I could get a chance to talk to Stan alone. I never told her why, and she didn’t ask. I felt guilty after her coming all this way. She agreed and when we got into the van she asked Stan to drop her off down the village to do a bit of shopping. We did and told her we would pick her up in half an hour at the little café then we could all have a cup of tea and a chat before I went back to the Home.

  We parked the van outside a public garden area, and strolled in holding hands. We sat on a bench situated under a large tree and hugged and kissed each other. I took his hand told him I had something important to ask him. My heart was thumping in my chest, I came straight out and asked how he would feel if told him I had changed my mind about getting the baby adopted and wanted to keep her instead. He looked at me and dropped my hand like a red hot poker. He told me he felt gutted, after all we had been through to get to this point in our lives. Especially telling his mother I had gone to Scotland to look after a sick aunt. And every week when she handed him a letter from Scotland, knowing it was a letter I had sent my aunt to post so it would have the Scottish stamp mark. He said I had no idea what he had been through having to tell all these lies to people who kept asking how I was, and when I was coming home.

  I was being stupid he said. After all we had planned, the secret walks at night, hiding from neighbour all day. All we had been through so I could have a brand new life to go home to. He just couldn’t believe I could give all that up. And what about the baby, I’d be depriving her of having both parents that would love her. I said that he would love her once he saw her.

  ‘Maybe so,’ he said ‘but, I would always know she wasn’t mine, and she would always be a reminder of him, and I just couldn’t take that. I think you’d better think hard at all the reasons why you chose adoption in the first place.’

  I looked away and knew what he was saying was true. Things were exactly how we planned it. But there was one big difference; I didn’t know how strong a mother’s love was.

  I told him he was right, I was letting my heart rule my head. Barbara would have a better life with a new family, because they could give her all the things that I couldn’t afford to give her. I said I was really looking forward to getting my life back where I could actually enjoy my freedom like any other normal teenager. For the first time we walked all around the garden linked together like an ordinary couple without all the hiding and secrecy. It felt good, and I wanted it to go on.

  Four weeks later, we were all rehearsing for a nativity play the Salvation Army was putting on for charity. I was asked to be Mary, and all I had to do was to sit on a stool and receive the gifts from the three wise men. Easy; so I thought. All went well until Norma dressed in a white sheet, a big black beard, and a checked tea towel on her head, shouted in a broad Liverpool accent. ‘And there shone a Star in the North, and the three wise men followed it,’

  I got the giggles. Then as the three wise men approached me and saw me shaking with the giggles they too giggled, before long all the cast from the angels right down to the inn keeper had the giggles. One by one the whole audience walked out in disgust. The Brigadier was fuming she got us all together and shouted.

  ‘I am absolutely disgusted with all of you girls.’ She pointed at me, ‘Especially you Nan who I thought one of the most sensible girls in here.’

  She raved on for ten minutes, and we just stood there like kids at school being told off by the teacher. I looked at Norma who was standing there like Jesus himself; and I burst out giggling again. I just couldn’t control myself. I was shedding tears with laughter. Then all the girls started again. Brigadier walked out the door. Next day I felt terrible, especially because it was for charity. I went to her office to apologise, and explained it was my entire fault, and that I was so sorry. She was very dry and reminded me it was too late for any apologies, and told me to get out of her sight. I walked out her office closed the door and stuck up two fingers.

  The next day Norma left with her baby and we all sang the song about Mag
gie May not walking down Lime Street anymore. It was a song we sang to the girls that were leaving that day. We all associated with our adoption day to Lime Street, because the majority of the girls in the Home were strangers to Liverpool, but knew when adopting your baby Brigadier got you a taxi to the adoption place, drop you off with your baby, then when you came out you were on your own. Lime Street train station was in walking distance and the nearest station for the girls to get the train home, or where ever they wanted to go. The Home was quiet when Norma left. She was the heart and soul in there, always spoke her mind and wasn’t frightened to tell the officers what she thought of them. Every girl liked her. We missed her loud mouth shouting and making us laugh.

  Maureen was due within three days, and I dreaded her going. One day we were both on nursery chores and polishing the floor when an officer came and told Maureen Brigadier wanted to see her. We looked at each other thinking it was all about the nativity play fiasco. When Maureen came back into the nursery she was full of smiles. She told me her sister had come all the way from Wales to collect her. And that she had left her husband and was giving her the opportunity to keep her son if she wanted. Maureen was ecstatic, because she was due to get it adopted in three days.

  She had to get the baby ready for travel, then to pack up her belonging because Brigadier said she could go home today. I was gutted and happy for her all at the same time. I helped her to pack. And when it was time for her to go; it was my turn to run to the attic window and wave goodbye to my friend. I often wonder after all those years if she ever thinks about our time in the Home together.

  In the last week we had to wean our babies off the breast which was very uncomfortable, nevertheless it had to be done within three days. Breast feeding in the morning then bottle fed during the day then breast feeding last feed. Then the last feed was bottle then the morning feed was bottle, then that was the weaning done. We never got any medication to take the milk away; we had to put up with leaking breasts, and discomfort.

  I looked forward to the day when I would be walking through the doors for the last time. But the only thing I dreaded was giving my daughter away. Brigadier took me into her office the day before I was due to go and asked me if I was still willing to get the baby adopted. I said I had no other option as there was just no room at home as it was. I said I would love to take her home if I had somewhere to go. Maybe I was hoping she could find me somewhere, but all she said was it was probably the best thing for the baby to be adopted.

  I lay awake that night, trying to find a solution. It was breaking my heart, I was between having a fresh start with someone I was sure I loved, and a baby I knew I loved. How could life be so cruel? I desperately wanted to keep Barbara, and was determent to tell Stan that I had made my mind up and was taking her home. I visualised everyone’s face when I walked through the door with her. I knew he would be disappointed, but I supposed he would get over it. I thought of all the things he did to help me, and then the guilt set in. The lies he told his family and friends, all the times he took me out when I was too scared to go out the door. He bought that van so I would be able to have visitors. What a waste of time all that was, now they will all know, and then the gossip will start. Barbara will have all the whispers, and more, all her little life.

  There was only one way to avoid having to tell Stan, and to escape years of stigma, that was to disappear and start a life of our own. I could get a job and rent a flat or something. I was sure I could do that. Anyway beggars can’t be choosers so I decided to do just that. At three o’clock in the morning I very quietly packed my few clothes into my case which lay under the bed, and tiptoed downstairs. All was quiet, there was no one about. I crept along the corridor to the nursery and opened the door. I looked at the little figure lying there and whispered, ‘Come on darling, mummy’s taking you away from all this.’

  I quickly got her ready and took as many clothes and nappies that my case would hold. I wrapped her up warm in the hand-knitted woollen blanket I made for her crib, and was ready to go. I looked out the huge windows and saw it had started to rain, but that wasn’t going to stop me, I had come too far to stop now. I gently opened the nursery door and peeped out. The coast was clear so I slowly crept to the front door. I could hear the distant footsteps upstairs on the private floor. As I reached the large front door I placed my case on the floor and gently undid the large bolt at the top and bottom. There was only the handle to turn and I was out. I held the door handle in my hand and was about to turn it when there was a door slamming and I heard footsteps coming down the main stairs. All of a sudden they stopped, and I heard them whisper to someone else upstairs. I lifted my case and tiptoed back into the nursery and quietly closed the door. As I leant behind the door my heart was palpitating, and my stomach knotted. With Barbara in one hand and my case in the other, I stood there shaking, listening to the footsteps come down the stairs and make their way along the corridor to the kitchen. I could hear them rattle dishes in the sink then they made their way back up the corridor towards me. I stood stiff with fright in case whoever it was would come into the nursery. But they made their way back upstairs. I sighed with relief. I slithered down the door with my back until I reached the floor. I sat for a moment scared to move then I looked at my baby who was still sound asleep in my arm I released my hand from my case and covered my mouth with my hand to stop any sound I made with the fear I had and uncontrollably cried. It was then I wondered what the hell I was doing. What was I thinking of; taking my baby out in all that rain through the night with nowhere to go. Is this the kind of life I want for her, running avoiding social services who would no doubt take her away from me. Who was I to stop her having a normal life with a family that would love her and she would want for nothing. I knew in my heart that there was a better life out there for her and me, if only I could accept it. It seemed all the plans I made before I gave birth to her had disappeared until now. Never in a million years had I estimated how strong a mother’s love was.

  As I sobbed my heart out, I placed Barbara back in her crib, and then I emptied the clothes and items out of my case and put them back in the locker. I tiptoed back upstairs silently unpacked and crept into bed. I lay in bed with my heart pounding so hard it felt as if it had ripped out of my body going through all I had done. I didn’t get much sleep, but at least my mind was sure of what was best for Barbara and me.

  The biggest ordeal of my life had finally come. When for the last time I had to change and feed Barbara, she cried, I cried. It was as if she knew there was something wrong. Just as I was having a cuddle before placing her back into her crib before I went for lunch, she was sick all over everywhere, and filled her nappy again. I was so upset, not for me; I was just so sure it was her way of telling me not to give her away.

  When it was time to go I was in the nursery with Barbara in my arms all ready to go, when one of the officers came in and told me to go to Brigadier’s office. As I entered the office expecting my mother to be there; instead it was my sister Wilma. She walked over and took Barbara off me. I could see she was trying not to cry, but the glazed eyes gave her away, which caused me to fill up as well. Brigadier handed me a parcel that my mother had sent for the baby. She told me my mother was unable to come but sent you this parcel. As I opened it there was a simple little note saying Follow your heart. I knew she was hoping that I would bring her home, and I wished it was as easy as that. I knew this would be too hard for her because I understood her pain because I was going through it too. My sister said I had to put all the new clothes mum sent on the baby and wrap her in her new shawl. I looked at Brigadier who nodded to me. I took Barbara off my sister and took her back to the nursery and dressed her in her new clothes she looked a picture. As I looked down at her, I whispered to her.

  ‘These clothes are from your Gran who loves you very much.’ She looked up into my face then contentedly closed her eyes.

  As we headed for the door the girls all poked their face out from every direction to say
cheerio. Outside it was cold and windy. My sister climbed in the middle next to Stan and I passed the baby into her. As I got in Stan asked if I was All right. I told him I was. As he turned I could see him looking at Barbara and gave a little smile, then he turned on the engine and away we went. I asked him if he knew where the adoption place was and he said he got the directions from the map. All the way you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. My sister looked at the baby nearly all the way, I suppose she didn’t know what to say. I sat there staring out the window my heart praying Stan would say he didn’t mind if I took her home and kept her if I wanted. But he didn’t.

  As we drove up and parked outside the door, the place wasn’t as big as I thought. Not that I had noticed that much because I was in a world of my own. I had never been to that part of Liverpool before, and if someone asked me to describe the building from the outside I wouldn’t know, and to this day have never been back, so for the life of me, I couldn’t direct anybody there. Not that I would want to.

  I had cried on and off that day so much that I must have looked a sight. My eyes were all puffed up, my breast were heavy and leaking with milk, my heart was beating like a drum, and I had a lump in my throat that felt as if it would choke me any minute. My sister and me were taken down a long corridor, passed a few doors to the end one and were told to wait there as someone would see to us soon. When we were alone my sister asked me if I was sure I was doing the right thing, she said she would keep her for me until I got married one day. I was on the verge to agree, but knew in my heart it wouldn’t work, because for a start we still had the overcrowding, and people would know straight away she was mine. Just then a lady came in and asked me to say my goodbyes to the baby as her new parents were waiting to take her home. I took hold of Barbara and snuggled into her little face, tears forming in my eyes. I asked the lady if I could see who was adopting her. The lady shook her head and said it was against the rules. When I demanded saying that I would not pass her over to anybody except het new parents, she left the room. My sister looked at me and asked what happens now? I just shrugged my shoulders in confusion. As we waited there not knowing what to do, the lady came back in the room and asked me to follow her. My sister was asked to wait there. She took me to a little office and told me to take a seat. She asked if I was absolutely sure I wanted to get baby adopted. I told her, sometimes I was, and sometimes I wasn’t sure. She asked me to go through all the reasons why I wanted her adopted, and all the doubts I had. The main one at that particular moment was how can I be sure of her going to a good home. She said she’d arranged for me to meet the couple that had travelled a long way to adopt my baby. Before we left the room she made it clear to me that this was just a trial, and not to forget if I found after three months I had changed my mind I could either sign her over to make the adoption legal or I could have her back; that was well within my rights. I nodded and she told me to follow her but before we go, not to forget I don’t need to hand her over, because they will understand. We entered a room where there was a couple waiting. As soon as we walked in the woman rushed over to me and looked at the baby.