Letters From Rachel

by N L Westaway

  “Wow—that’s a good question, I feel like you’re examining me,” Marlene said. “Kind of funny to be on the other side,” she added, with a laugh.

  Laura laughed too, and she was actually having a good time. She shouldn’t have been so afraid, there was nothing to be scared about.

  “What would I do if I couldn’t do this job? I’d love to be a food critic, but I think you have to know about cooking,” Marlene said. “That’s more of a lark, but it would be fun—not eating the bad food—just the good stuff, yes?”

  “Yes,” Laura agreed, lifting her glass to take another tiny sip.

  “What kind of music do you like,” Marlene asked, when the music in the bar area got louder.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Laura said. She didn’t know bands, or singers, though she liked when they had the radio on in the back bakery while they did their work. Her daughter had liked a variety of music, but she couldn’t name any of it. “I like the oldies channel they have on at work.” Laura took a glance around the bar area. It had begun to fill up since she had sat down. “You?” she asked, glancing back at Marlene.

  “I like a lot of different genres, but I think anything I can dance to. Though it can be hard to find a partner willing to dance with me.” Marlene laughed again.

  Laura appreciated Marlene’s sense of humor, though she tended to be self-deprecating yet nonapologetic about her size, she was the kind of person who knew her flaws and loved herself despite them. Laura envied her for that.

  “I don’t dance,” Laura said, “but I am enjoying myself just sitting here.” Laura clinked Marlene’s glass with hers, then took another small sip.

  Marlene’s glass was empty now, and she was waving the waitress over again, giving her the peace-sign to indicate two more. She turned back then, and said, “I really enjoy people watching, must be the psychologist in me. People watching at a bar can be very entertaining.” She raised her eyebrows a few times and grinned.

  Laura scanned the room. There were even more people in the space now.

  “Your daughter was athletic—played volleyball in high school, if I remember correctly,” Marlene said, bringing Laura’s attention back. “Did you play sports in high school?”

  “Me, no—gawd no,” Laura said, setting her drink down again.

  “I tried volleyball—but it didn’t keep my interest.” Marlene shrugged. “People figured since I was tall that I'd love it, and I played my first year of high school, but that was it,” Marlene said, as though she was embarrassed for failing at something.

  The waitress stopped at their table with the drinks, exchanging Marlene’s empty glass on the table with the full one from her tray, then placed the other full one next to Laura’s still mostly full one.

  “What was your most embarrassing moment in high school,” Marlene asked, then took a long sip of her fresh drink.

  “I don’t think I have a most embarrassing moment—other than maybe right now for having nothing exciting to share,” Laura said, feeling her face flush.

  “Well, I’ve got one,” Marlene said. “I punched a girl in high school once. She was making fun of me for being so tall—and I hadn't filled out yet.” She motioned to her chest area. “But I could fight, having three older brothers n ’all. I had known better—but I had had enough.”

  Laura couldn’t help it, she smiled.

  “Broke her nose, mean girl—prom queen. I enjoyed it a little too much.” Marlene let out a laugh. “I missed the prom because of it—but who cares.”

  Laura gasped out a laugh.

  “Kids can be mean, being tall is not always great, and you find yourself needing to shrink yourself—and that’s not good,” Marlene added on a more serious note.

  “What about your most embarrassing moment as an adult?” Laura asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

  “Blind date—enough said,” Marlene shot out, before taking a big gulp of her drink. They both laughed. Then Marlene leaned in and said, “Speaking of not so blind dates, that tall handsome guy at the end of the bar is checking you out.”

  Laura froze.

  “Don’t turn yet—I’ll tell you when he looks away,” Marlene said.

  Laura figured this was typical banter and play between girlfriends but hearing that a man was staring at her didn’t give her the girly goosebumps, it gave her the overwhelming need to pack up and run. “I’m not good with that,” was all Laura could muster.

  “Relax, he’s coming over,” Marlene said, leaning back from the table.

  “Forgive me—but I can’t do this,” Laura said, as she shot out of her seat, then rushed across the room and out the front door.

  Chapter 10

  Laura was at the bench first this time, waiting for Marlene. She had done it again, taken off without explanation, though she had texted Marlene this time, on her way home from the restaurant, to say sorry for the rude exit she’d made, when she should have just explained herself, and had clarified that she had felt uncomfortable with that guy watching her. She had been so freaked out, she half expected to find a postcard under her door when she had gotten home. Marlene had written back saying not to worry, that she understood it was Laura’s first time out in a long time. It had been Laura’s first time out since before the birth of her daughter, but Marlene hadn’t known that. Marlene had been so fun and outgoing that night, and Laura had been too embarrassed to tell her then, but they’d agreed to meet like usual at their regular spot to talk.

  “Hey,” Marlene said, when she approached the bench.

  “Hey,” Laura said, sensing her face redden, embarrassment surfacing.

  Marlene sat down next to Laura, then turned to face her. “Is it me—am I too pushy?” Marlene asked. “I mean—I thought we were friends. You know you can tell me anything—anything that’s bothering you too.”

  Was it possible to feel good and bad at the same time? She was so appreciative of Marlene for stating what she believed, that they were friends, but Laura felt anguished over the fact that she kept bolting out on her. “You have no idea how much our friendship means to me. It has been quite some time since I had someone to talk to—a girlfriend more importantly,” Laura said, squeezing her hands together. “And I feel awful for how I’ve treated you, the childish way I keep running off without a reason. I mean I have reasons—maybe not great ones, but they feel valid in the moment. I’m so sorry.” Laura looked down at her hands in her lap.

  “Talk to me, Laura,” Marlene said. Then she reached out and touched the top of Laura’s hand.

  “Okay… well… I’m not very good with men,” Laura said, still looking down. “I’ve never had a boyfriend—other than Gwen’s father, and well... he’s the only man I’ve ever been with—you know.” There was more that Laura needed to tell her friend, but she knew that she wasn’t ready to share the details about the stalker, how it had affected her perception of men and that it was part of why she was struggling with, well, all of it.

  “I don’t know what it’s like for you… to have found your true love—then lose him.” Marlene patted Laura’s hand, then pulled back.

  Laura glanced up to face her friend.

  “I thought I was in love once,” Marlene shared then. “He was a friend of my oldest brother, but in retrospect now, I know it was mostly infatuation. And probably the closest I’ve come to love—romantic love.” Marlene took in a deep breath, then sighed on the exhale. “Some may think being single is a problem—but I don’t. My life has a wonderful flow and rhythm to it. I'm very happy with the way my life is,” she added, smiling at Laura. “Tell me about your husband.”

  Laura gave her own heavy sigh. “He’s dead.”

  “I know that, you told me—and I’m sorry for your loss,” Marlene said.

  “I appreciate your concern—really, I’d just prefer not to talk about it,” Laura said. She didn’t like talking about him, her father or men in general. She liked her life too, even though she missed Gwen terrib
ly, and her life had been fairly tension-free for several years, up until a few weeks ago.

  “My guess is you had a pretty strict upbringing—mine too,” Marlene said, nodding, as if she had read Laura’s thoughts. “Mine were strict but loving. I think with four kids, three being boys, that there needed to be some kind of order in the house. And they both worked too, so we all had responsibilities at home.” Marlene tilted her head to the side, then added, “I respect them greatly and I don’t envy them raising us, we were big kids to manage and had big mouths to feed.” She giggled, and it made Laura laugh. Marlene’s joy was contagious at times.

  “I bet,” Laura said, grinning over the image of it in her head.

  “How was your relationship with your parents?” Marlene asked, her tone light but to the point.

  “Well, Doc,” Laura started, giving her friend a little grin.

  “Hey, I may be your friend and all—but I’ve got skills you know,” Marlene cut in, grinning back. “Go on.”

  Laura ran the palm of her hand around the back of her neck. “My father,” she began again, “he was a strict man, but I believe he loved me very much.” She paused. “He died before I got married, and obviously he never got to see Gwen either.” She frowned then. “My mother was a cruel woman… I think she resented how much my father loved me. My father and I both liked to read, and I don’t think she liked that I focused on my studies so much… because she’d said once, ‘Being a housewife was good enough for her, why should I strive for more?’ She had even said to my father that I wasn’t that smart and shouldn’t get my hopes up about going to college… but I had good grades. I think… I think she was jealous… I would never raise my daughter in such a way.” Laura took in a sharp breath.

  “That’s horrible, Laura. And you have done a wonderful job with Gwen—you should be very proud,” Marlene said, her voice lifting at the end.

  “I am… I’m over-the-moon-proud, I have to say,” Laura said, a lightness filling her. She had been a good mother to Gwen, though it hadn’t been easy. That was the understatement of the last 20 years, but they had both made it, survived the endless moving and instability. All she needed to do was make sure to keep herself steady, keep her eyes, ears, and senses attuned to what might be coming her way. In the meantime, she was going to do her best to live her life. There had been no new postcard directing her to stay or go, and maybe there never would be. She had to learn how to stop worrying about what might happen and focus on what she could control.

  “And Gwen is graduating in a week—how great is that?” Marlene said, adding to the levity that was growing inside Laura.

  “Thank you for listening—for understanding,” Laura said.

  “Hey—it’s what I do, and I actually make a living at it,” Marlene said, huffing a breath on the fingernails of her right hand, then she rubbed them against her blouse. “Say, how about we take another crack at going out—just for drinks, and people watching?”

  Laura took in another sharp breath and held it. “Okay,” she said on the exhale. “I can do this.”

  They had agreed to try the same restaurant, but this time Laura had opted for dress pants and a blouse instead of a dress. She was much more comfortable in pants and this second outing was all about creating comfort. Her outfit wasn’t anything fancy of course, and it had been the outfit she’d used for her interview with the bakery. She had gotten the job, so it couldn’t have been that bad, and the top and pants still fit her. She wasn’t going out to impress anyone, she just wanted to spend time with her friend and enjoy her company while ‘people-watching’, as Marlene had said. She didn’t bother switching her purse this time, as the satchel with the strap felt much safer and comfier than the small clutch had.

  When Laura arrived at the bar, it was packed, and she couldn’t see Marlene anywhere. Apparently, they were having a Two-Drink Tuesday for, well—no reason at all, it seemed, Laura was told when she had asked the hostess at the door. Then, over the tops of some of the patrons’ heads, she spotted Marlene’s own popping up above the crowd. She had obviously noticed Laura and was now waving both arms over her head, signaling for Laura to come to where she was.

  Laura smoothed back her hair, then made her way through the tight crowd of what appeared to be mostly businessmen and some business women based on their office attire, though some men were wearing business casual with just dress pants and button-down shirts. Laura’s outfit fit in fine as she had on navy dress pants and a white blouse, and similar in style to what the women were wearing, minus a matching blazer.

  “Laura!” she heard Marlene bellow over the now loud music in the bar area as she pushed passed the last of the people between them.

  “Hey—wow, busy,” Laura said, raising her voice to be heard. “No table?” Marlene had been standing off to the side they had previously sat at, but she wasn’t at a table this time.

  “These guys are just paying their bill,” she told Laura, pointing to the three businessmen next to her who were standing at rather than sitting at the small table that was in the middle of them.

  “It’s all yours, ladies,” one of them said, as they passed by to advance through the crowd.

  Marlene quickly slid into one of the bar-top chairs. “Hurry—grab a chair before someone takes it out from under you.” Laura shifted into the chair closest to Marlene, leaving the empty one of the three out in the open. “I already ordered us drinks,” Marlene said, turning in her chair toward the service bar.

  Laura, not knowing what to do with herself, joined Marlene in staring through the packs of people towards the bar. Along the main bar area, she noticed there were mainly middle-aged men, lined up elbow to elbow, leaning on the bar, either facing towards or facing directly away, as if the spot they occupied was prime real-estate. Maybe it was, she thought, since any women needing to order a drink, other than flagging down a waitress, had to get past their line of defense to even be heard by one of the bartenders. That meant each woman trying to get a drink had to ask them to move aside or squeeze in next to them. Either way the men would get the opportunity to make small talk with them, maybe buy them a drink, or if they were desperate, they could accidentally rub up against the woman trying to squeeze in.

  The waitress arrived then with four blue drinks on her tray. Laura didn’t know what the drinks were, but she was thrilled she would not have to manage her own way to one of the bartenders.

  “Blueberry Cosmo,” Marlene said.

  Laura watched as the waitress slid two of them her way. “Two-Drink Tuesday—enjoy,” the waitress said with a smile, “Oh—and don’t forget to fill out a trivia question ballot for the trip—drop them off in the box at the main door,” she said before turning and moving sideways through the throngs.

  “Check these out,” Marlene said, lifting one of the coasters on the table. “Name five popular movies filmed in Hawaii. Oh—I’ve got this one.” Marlene took a pen from her purse, then she began saying and filling out her answer in the space under the trivia question. Laura watched as she wrote,

  50 First Dates

  Jurassic Park & Jurassic World

  Raiders of the Lost Ark

  From Here to Eternity

  Blue Hawaii

  “Jurassic Park, I saw that with my daughter,” Laura said, but was still unfamiliar with the others. She picked up a coaster and read, “How many islands are there in the Hawaiian Islands?” She looked at Marlene who shrugged. “I actually know this one,” Laura said, with a grin. She had liked geography in high school. Marlene handed her the pen and then Laura wrote and spoke her answer out loud. “There are 8 main islands, but there are 137 in total.”

  “Here—give me yours,” Marlene said, filling in both email address contact parts with her own. She knew Laura didn’t use email. Then she got up from her chair. “Watch my seat—I’m going to drop these off—I’ll be right back.” Then she was gone in the direction of the hostess stand, swallowed by the crowd.

  L
aura guarded Marlene’s open seat while watching the people around their table as though someone might literally take them out from under her.

  “Done!” Marlene announced, slipping from the pack and into her seat again. “Cheers!” she said then, lifting the first of her two blue drinks. “Who knows—we might win, it is a trip for two.”

  Laura had travelled a lot, just not outside of the United States. She lifted the fancy glass then and clinked it against Marlene’s. “Cheers!” she said, and then they both took a sip.

  The drink tasted like summer, Laura thought, the sweet blueberries of late August. She and Gwen had gone blueberry picking several years ago here in Ann Arbor. It had been one of those you-pick-it farms they opened to the public near the end of August. “Mmmm,” she said, “This one tastes better than the red one.”

  “Ya, the red one was cranberry, and it can be a bit tart—depending on how it’s made,” Marlene informed her. “How are you feeling?” Marlene twisted right and left in her chair as if indicating the question was about how she was doing with all the people around her.

  “So far so good,” she said, but was slowly realizing they weren’t going to be able to have much of a chat with all these people around and with all the commotion. She had no intention of shouting her personal issues over the noise, so people watching and small talk it would have to be for now. “How was the rest of your day?”

  Marlene laughed, as if grasping Laura was trying to make the best of their loud situation. “I didn’t do much after seeing you at the bakery, just went home, returned some calls, then ate some leftover pasta I’d had in the fridge.” Marlene tipped her drink back. “You?”

  “The usual, make magic from dough,” she said, then took another sip of her drink, a much larger sip than the first, then she grinned at Marlene.

  “It really is magic—isn’t it?” Marlene squinted, suspicion crossing her face.

  Laura laughed, as she made a gesture with her hands over her drink, mimicking that of a magician. Then she picked up the drink and downed it. “Presto—my drink is gone,” Laura added, following up with another laugh.