by Lara Swann
I’ve never exactly admitted to him that I’m a virgin. From the few times these things have come up, it’s obvious I’m inexperienced and uncomfortable talking about any of it, but I didn’t exactly want to make it obvious just how inexperienced I was.
So now that I’m finally not a virgin anymore, I’d much rather it stay that way, without the chance for him to probe enough about last night to work out it was my first time.
Nat orders another beer and I ask for two of my favorite cocktail - Bee’s Knees - as we place our orders for food. My drinks come quickly and Nat relaxes back into the booth with a satisfied sigh.
“Cocktails and crab cakes. Doesn’t get much better than this.”
“You don’t even like cocktails.” I point out, eyeing the beer he’s drinking faster than water. When he doesn’t have to drive, Nat isn’t particularly restrained.
Not that I can talk - or would even complain about it - I’m more than happy to have two Bee’s Knees instead of one.
“That’s not the point.” He says, with a shrug, then leans forward to grin at me again, raising his glass. I meet it with my cocktail and he toasts. “To getting laid.”
That almost makes me splutter the sip I took everywhere, but I manage to contain myself - and when I look up at him, I’m pretty sure he timed the comment for that exact effect. I scowl, but I’m still slightly laughing.
“Really, Chloe, I’m glad - I always worry you don’t have enough fun.”
Now that I have an idea what he means by fun, I can suddenly see his point.
I smile again, still finding it hard to look at him, exactly. “Thank you for last night, Nat - for taking me out there. Really. It was exactly what I was looking for.”
He laughs. “Well, you could’ve been a bit more specific in your description then.”
I flush again. “Well, I didn’t exactly know…I didn’t intend…you know what I mean.”
“Yeah. I know.” He smiles, obviously having far too much fun teasing me.
The crab cakes arrive a few moments later, stalling any further conversation, and the brief gap as we dig into the pure comfort food gives me a little time to stew over the question I really want to ask him.
“What did your parents say when you got in, then?” He asks, raising an eyebrow at me over his food.
“They didn’t.” I grimace. “I snuck back in early enough that they were still asleep…they don’t know what time I got back last night.”
Or what I was doing.
I’m still not entirely sure how to reconcile that. I know they’d feel absolutely disgraced and ashamed of me for not waiting like they’ve always talked to me about…but even when I try hard, searching and poking for it within myself, I don’t feel bad about last night. It felt too good to be something wrong or dirty. Too right. Too natural.
Sure, it’s still something that I think could be even more with the right person - with someone you love and can grow with together - but even without that…it’s still mind-blowingly amazing.
I never knew it could feel like that. I had no idea. No one ever told me that.
Which, I guess I understood. If I’d known, it would have been so much harder to wait.
“What, he took you back…straight after?” Nat asks, frowning slightly.
I can tell from his expression that he disapproves of that idea - and I can guess why. He was very emphatic last night about making sure Ash treated me well. I didn’t exactly pass everything he said onto Ash.
“Um…no.” I fumble, flushing again as I play with my food a little awkwardly. I don’t want him to think badly of Ash, but also, I still feel a little embarrassed about running off last night. “We ended up in a motel and…um…well I woke up in the middle of the night, and I couldn’t stop panicking about my parents finding me gone, about coming back the next morning to all the questions…so, well, I just left.”
“In the middle of the night?!” Nat exclaims, his food lowering as he looks at me. “What did I tell you? Chloe, it’s not safe to be wandering around those parts after—”
“It was fine.” I interrupt, finding the irony of him warning me about safety a little too much. “I hailed a cab and got home no problem. I’m here, aren’t I?”
He looks over at me suspiciously, as if I might not quite be here, and scowls as he takes another huge bite of his crab cake sandwich.
“He still should have taken you home.” He says, in between mouthfuls.
“He was asleep.” I point out.
Nat sighs opposite me, then shakes his head, consigning himself back to his food.
I feel a bit bad about that, actually, the way it happened - running out on him like that. After how good the night we had together was, it felt a bit…unfair. But it was only a fling. That’s kind of what happens, isn’t it? If not in the night, then the next morning I would have left and that…would have been that.
Though that’s part of the reason I wanted to talk to Nat today. Even though I know that was all it was - that was all either of us were looking for - I can’t get him out of my head, either. I can’t stop thinking about it.
I mean, obviously. It was my first time, after all, and it was only last night. Of course I’ll still be thinking about it the next day - but it’s more than that too.
I can’t help the curiosity that threatens to swamp me. I want to know more about him - Ash, the fun, irreverent biker who took my virginity - enough that I almost regret the way I left, before I could find out. I wonder who he is. I wonder what he’s thinking now. I wonder whether, well, whether he might be thinking it would be fun…to do that again.
Now that I’ve done it, now that I know what it’s like, I’m not sure I want to give all that up and go back to acting like none of it exists. I can still wait for the right guy - because however hot the sex might be, that’s obviously not Ash - but while I’m waiting, I could still…well…enjoy myself a little.
“Um, Nat…” I finally say, swirling my second Bee’s Knees cocktail around in the glass and not-quite-looking at him.
“Hm?”
“I don’t suppose…well, you’ve been to that bar before, right? I don’t suppose you happen to know anything about him - the guy last night - Ash?” I finally get the question out, trying and failing miserably at stopping my face from turning red again.
His semi-distracted attention narrows on me, the food forgotten as he gives me a very careful look.
“Chloe…” He starts, and I can hear the caution in his voice.
“What?” I ask, more than a little defensively. I can already feel my face heating, feeling like he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“I know that look.” He says, considering me carefully. “I can see the sparkle in your eyes. I know you had a great time last night - I can see it radiating off you, even if you hadn’t said - but that kind of thing…it makes it easy to make bad choices. And I think you need to be careful. Especially with him.”
I swallow slightly, feeling my heart rate speeding up.
“What do you mean.”
He hesitates, then shrugs a little. “I asked around about him a little bit, after you left. I just wanted to make sure. And, look, that sort of guy…it’s fine for one night. It was fine to go with him. But he’s not the sort you want to be involved with. It’s like I thought, the club that hangs around there - he’s in deep with them, and Luke told me a bit—”
“Who?”
“Luke. The biker dude I dated - the one who took me to that place a couple of times?”
“Oh, right.”
“Yeah, he didn’t get mixed up in any of that shit - he just liked the biker hangout feel of the place - but he knew enough to warn me about it. They’re not the kind of people you want to be mixed up with, Chloe. One night is one thing, but…those are the kinds of guys you don’t want to get too close, or know too much.”
My stomach drops, and some of the rosy-red luster of last night slips away from me, the euphoric feeling I’ve been walking around
with today dampening as the little thoughts and fantasies that have played across my mind today, little ideas of what could happen, suddenly seem stupid - and embarrassing in a bad way.
I think Nat sees the disappointment in my expression, because he reaches over to squeeze my hand.
“Hey, it doesn’t change whatever you got out of last night - I just…I just want you to be careful, hon. There’s having a crazy night of fun and rebelling against the absurdity of everything with your parents, and then there’s being stupid. I don’t want to see you jumping across that line for the wrong reasons.”
“Yeah.” I say, trying to reassure him. I am grateful, really. I’m just also…I don’t know. Maybe a little let down. “Yeah, I know.”
I sigh, and we finish our drinks in relative silence as I play it over in my mind. It’s sad, and I start off feeling a little despondent about it all - but at the end of the day, it’s not fair for me to have expected anything else. I don’t really want to think of Ash as a bad person, but I did know the kind of guy he was when he approached me.
Rough. Dangerous. Inappropriate.
That’s exactly what appealed to me.
It’s ridiculous to start feeling sorry for myself that all of that turns out to be a bad idea for more than a one-night fling.
There’s a reason my parents have always warned me to stay away from guys like him - and I know they’re not wrong about it.
So by the time I finish my drink, I’ve reluctantly accepted it. It was an amazing night - and something I desperately needed at the time - but that’s all it was. I’m okay with that. I can hardly complain about something that turned out to be so good.
As we finish up with the rest of the food and our drinks diminish, Nat looks over at me again.
“You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I mean, it would have been fun…but, yeah, you’re right. It’s okay.”
“Good.” He smiles at me, slinging an arm around my shoulder as we leave cash on the table and make our way out of the restaurant. “Same time next week?”
I smile back. “Same time next week. Unless there are any more crises along the way.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
We part with a tight hug and I walk back home with my feet a little more firmly on the ground, but knowing that’s not altogether a bad thing. I still have a smile on my face from the memory of last night - and maybe that’s the best way for Ash to be.
A perfect memory.
* * *
When I get home, Dad’s waiting for me. He’s sitting in his usual armchair with the newspaper, but the moment he sees me walk past the sitting room door, he stands up and calls out.
“Chloe!”
I pause, my stomach twisting uncomfortably. I was hoping to avoid this for a little while longer, but I stop and look over.
“Yes?” I ask, evenly and politely enough.
“I want to talk to you.”
I bite back the groan, telling myself that that’s not the mature and adult response. I don’t know why I’m always fighting with myself to be appropriately mature when it comes to conversations with my parents, but somehow that’s what happens.
“Um, okay.”
He steps out of the sitting room and walks past me, and I try not to sigh as I follow behind. We still haven’t resolved the argument from yesterday, and I’m so not ready to give in and apologize right now. There’s a part of me that feels like I should - that already feels bad, because of everything I got up to last night that he doesn’t know about - but I’m still not ready to give up on this, and I’m fed up of always doing what Dad wants, just to keep the peace.
I’m not sure what it is this time, because usually by now I would have surrendered to avoid the chilly atmosphere at home. Maybe it was the conversation with Nat last night - or what happened afterward with Ash - but this time, I don’t care. It probably helps that I’ve been so distracted with thoughts of last night that I’ve barely noticed the looks Mom or Dad might have been giving me, but it’s not just that.
Maybe it’s that I know I’m not wrong about this. That course would be so good for me.
Last night might have distracted me, but that familiar passion is still there - that need within me, waiting to burst. If anything, it’s stronger.
We step into his study and he closes the door behind me before walking past to sit down behind his desk. I take the chair in front, wondering as always whether it actually is lower than his own. It definitely feels that way, with him looking at me from behind the papers splayed across the wide, heavy desk.
Being here always makes me feel like I’m in a business meeting with a boss, ready to get called up on something I’d done wrong. I mean, I’ve never been in a business meeting in my life, so I don’t know for sure, but that’s still exactly how this feels.
Dad’s angular face is grim as he steeples his fingers together and I prepare myself for the lecture. I feel like I don’t really care - like he can say what he wants, I know I’m right and I’m not going to care what he says until he really starts listening to me too. I’ve thought that before, though, and somehow I still leave feeling like a terrible person.
“Chloe…” He starts, his tone serious. “Your Mom and I have been talking. I know we exchanged some unpleasant words yesterday - both of us - and I don’t know about you, but with the light of a new day I deeply regret that conversation. I know it hurt both of us - and your Mom too, to see us arguing like that.”
I shift slightly in my seat, feeling a little uncomfortable.
“We’re a family, Chloe, and everything I said and did was because I want what’s best for you - I always have. If it came across a little…overbearing…it’s only because I care so much about what happens to you that sometimes I forget that I need to give you a chance to make your own choices. Sometimes things seem simple to me, because I’ve experienced so much more and I can see how things will play out - it can be frustrating to watch you start down a path that I feel I can help you with, only to have you throw that back in my face—”
I think he can see the way my expression twists at that, the pit in the bottom of my stomach sinking deeper, because he pauses and when he resumes, his words are slightly softer.
“And I know you don’t see it that way - and I know some of the things I say, the way I say them…I know they don’t seem fair, sometimes, because we’re looking at things from two completely different mindsets. So I wanted to apologize, Chloe - for any hurt that I caused you yesterday, or anything I’ve said that upset you. I was only trying to help. It’s a big commitment, what you want to do, and a lot of money. I just want to make sure you’ve really thought about it - that you know you’re making the right choice - and you’re not going to end up disappointed. But I’m sorry if it didn’t come across that way.”
I blink. It’s long-winded and I’m pretty sure there’s at least a caveat or two in there - but apologizing isn’t something Dad does often. It makes me reassess, just a little, and I shift again in the chair, not quite sure how to take it.
“Um, it’s okay.” I shrug, not really meeting his gaze. I’ve still got that twist to my stomach, that feeling of slight dread and uncertainty, and I’m not really sure where this is going.
I don’t offer an apology of my own, either. I know I should, but I don’t want to. I still don’t feel like he really gets it - I mean, he’s also just repeated everything he said yesterday, too—
“I’m glad.” He smiles at me, and I can’t deny that the warmth in his expression eases something inside me. I really don’t like it when he’s mad at me, or there’s tension between us.
I’m almost starting to hope that might be the end to it - that I’m not going to have to say anything more - when he continues.
“And as I was saying Chloe, your Mom and I have been talking. We’re concerned at the idea of you using all your savings to pay for this course - I know how hard you’ve worked for them - and worried about how far you might be willing to go to pursue thi
s dream of yours. We all know how unrealistic it is for these drawings of yours to ever become more than a hobby.”
The tension inside me redoubles as I feel myself gritting my teeth at the familiar words. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself starting the argument from yesterday all over again.
Yeah, they won’t ever be more than that if that’s all you see them as. But I don’t. I don’t!
I manage to hold it back enough for him to continue, but it’s all I’m thinking, my vision going hazy with the strength of the emotion behind it.
“But as I just said, you’re right - it’s your life and your money. I still want to protect you - you’re still my little girl at heart - but I guess that sometimes that means I need to let you figure these things out for yourself. If you really want to do this - if you promise me you’ll really think about it first - then we’ll support you if that’s the decision you make, Chloe.”
I blink, the intensity of my frustration swamped in an instant by pure shock.
Wait, what?
I’m not sure I heard him right. That’s not what I was expecting to come next. Not at all.
“I—er—what?”
He smiles at me, his expression benevolent.
“If this is the decision you want to make, then we’ll support you with it.” He repeats. “We’ll take a look at the shifts for the store, maybe get in another pair of hands to help out - see what we can do to make it work. Okay?”
It takes me a moment to get over the confusion - and the strange guilt that I feel at suddenly getting my own way, so easily after it had seemed like such an impossible, uphill battle only moments before. Especially if I’m putting them out too - if they have to pay someone else, I know what that will do to our finances.
“Really?” I ask, barely breathing it as the hope behind that confusion and doubt starts finally coming through.