“It’s only for a short while,” I tell her to reassure her.
“I don’t understand.” Kat shakes her head as if she thinks I’m crazy. As if what I’m saying is incomprehensible and maybe it is, but it’s okay. The less she knows, the safer she is. That’s the only thing that matters.
“I have something I need to finish.”
“You need to stop this, Evan. Please. I’m ready to move forward. We have a baby coming. Our baby. We can do this, but you can’t keep going backward.”
God, I wish she knew.
I could try to outrun it, but not with her by my side. I’ll fight it and come back to her. I just need her to have faith. I know she will. The last thought is what moves me to put space between us.
“Just believe me when I say I love you, but I can’t be with you right now.”
A silent sob wracks through her body. “Stop it! Stop it, Evan. Please! I don’t care what it is, just leave it behind and stay with me. Please, I’m begging you.”
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her and hate that I’m causing her pain.
“Why are you doing this?” she whispers. “I can’t believe … I can’t …”
“I love you, Kat, but I can’t do this right now.” The words come out as if I’m ending it with her, and that’s when I realize it’s what I have to do.
To protect her and our baby.
“I swear to God, if you walk out of that door, Evan, it’s over. I’m done playing games. You’re here or you’re not.” Her words are restrained as she says them, each one sounding more and more painful.
My chest tightens with an unbearable sorrow as I whisper, “I’m sorry, Kat.”
Chapter 7
Kat
Winter happened overnight. And it’s a bitter one at that.
My hands are still freezing as I stare at the fire in Jules’s great room. Her home has been painted and decorated since I was here only a week or so ago. Jules didn’t waste any time making the space feel cozy and warm. The soft gray walls complement the cream furniture and stone fireplace perfectly. She said it’s all in “mineral tones” although many of the accent colors are a dark, luxurious purple.
“I love the color,” I tell her in an attempt to cheer myself up and break the awkwardness in the room. Usually when we get together it’s nothing but laughter. My face can’t hide that I’ve been a crying mess and so laughs have been hard to come by.
“It’s called Mineral Ice,” Jules says agreeably from her spot on the chenille rug. Her glass of wine hasn’t moved from the coffee table since I walked in. Come to think of it, neither Maddie or Sue are drinking either.
The only one who seems normal is Maddie, and it’s because she’s lost her mind. I only just texted them days ago with the news I’m pregnant and she’s taken it upon herself to start planning every detail of the next nine months for me. I love her and the distraction, but there’s no way I can even think about a baby shower right now. It’s all up to her as far as I care.
“I think the grays and yellows will be perfect for a neutral theme,” Maddie says. “We could do bees or elephants and it will all match this room perfectly.”
Maddie has a few bags next to her on the floor. Each from different party shops with samples of all sorts of baby shower accessories and décor. In the group text earlier she said it was a “few” things to look at. Bless her heart, she’s ever the optimist. I only wish I could steal some of her positivity.
It was Maddie’s idea to meet up today, and thank God they dragged me here. I’d rather be looking at tiny yellow clothespins and paper samples for invitations than hysterically crying on the floor in my bedroom. So, I suppose this is a win.
“Thank you for offering to host it, Jules,” I say, pushing as much gratitude as I can into the words, but it still sounds lacking.
I’m not happy, and I just can’t fake it. There’s a hole in my chest and it feels like there’s no way it could ever heal.
The father of my baby left me. Not just left me, but left me again. All I can think is that it’s karma. I slept with him and kicked him out … and then he fucked me and left. This is exactly what I deserve.
I thought we were whole again last night; I felt it. Everything in me felt the love between us. And yet this morning he walked away. I must’ve been a horrible person in a former life.
“Okay, so menu …” Maddie says, leaning over the laptop that’s on the glass coffee table and clicking the keys.
“Is it a little early to start planning all this in so much detail?”
Maddie stops fiddling with her laptop and looks up at me. “I thought maybe it would be a way to cheer you up a bit?” she says before sitting down on her butt right next to Jules. They’re closer to the fire, sitting on the rug, and I’m wedged into the corner of the sofa. “If nothing else it’s like window-shopping,” she offers up.
“I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to cheer me up,” I answer her woefully. My hand drifts to my midsection, but there’s not even a tiny bump. There’s no way I’d know I was pregnant if I wasn’t peeing on a stick every other day to prove that it’s real.
“Do you … want to …” Maddie trails off as she struggles to suggest something else.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Sue pipes up. “We can listen, you can vent. I could get a pillow and you can hit it?”
“I’m so fucked up right now …” I say and almost swallow the confession, but then I blurt it out, “that I’m actually considering starting to write letters again.” I remember how I used to write to my mother when she died. It was what my therapist had suggested. “That’s how low I feel,” I tell them, emphasizing each word.
“You can tell us, you know?” Sue says and Jules nods in agreement. Maddie’s soft gaze loses its ever-present happiness and all that’s reflected in her expression is a sad smile.
“I’ll probably cry too much to get it out,” I respond and huff a sarcastic laugh to keep from completely losing it again. “I just wish someone could explain it. I feel crazy.”
“Well, you’re pregnant so you’re allowed to be crazy,” Maddie says as if that’s a known fact and it actually makes me laugh. It’s just a little bubble of one, but it’s something at least.
“So let’s have the complete update,” Jules says and squares her shoulders as she gives me her full attention.
“It’s over.” The words come out easier than I thought they would. Maybe I’m just numb to them, I don’t know.
“For real, for real?” Maddie asks me.
“Yeah, I’m not,” I pause and shake my head then close my eyes. “I’m not doing this back and forth. I know where I want my life to go, I know what I need to do, and Evan just isn’t there.”
“Did you tell him you’re pregnant?” Sue asks me cautiously.
“Yes.” The single word nearly strangles me and I swallow down the pain that threatens me. “I told him, and he was so happy.” I have to put my hand up to my mouth to keep from getting emotional again.
“I think it’s okay if you cry,” Sue says gently. “You’re going through so much and you can always blame it on hormones.”
A soft but genuine laugh sneaks in, shutting down the overwhelming heartache.
“I told him, and he still chose to leave.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t say,” I tell them then correct myself. “No, he said,” I try to quote him although I’m not sure if it’s exact, “’I have to finish something, but it’s only for a short while.’”
“What the heck does that mean?” Maddie asks with her face scrunched up.
“I don’t know,” I say, raising my voice in exasperation and that’s exactly how I feel.
“Maybe he’s worried about the stress from everything he’s going through getting to you?” Sue suggests and I don’t mean to, but I’m well aware that I stare daggers at her. “As if leaving me is any better?” I practically snap.
Her hands fly into the air defensive
ly as she says, “I take it back. He’s such an asshole.”
“Here’s your tea, sweetheart.” Jules sits next to me on the plush sofa, holding out a cup for me. The steam itself is comforting. The seat sinks in slowly, dipping as she gets comfortable beside me.
“I’m still so happy you’re pregnant,” Maddie says, offering up a distraction as she leans forward and reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently. “You’re going to be the best mom,” she says with such certainty even though she looks so sad.
“Do you want one of us to go with you to your next doctor’s appointment?” Sue asks, but I shake my head.
“I’ll be fine.”
“It’s not about being fine, love,” Sue says. “I could take pictures or something.”
“Of her hoo-ha?” Maddie jokes and Sue rolls her eyes.
“Just to have someone there,” Sue says.
“I would love to go with you,” Jules says.
“I rescheduled the one I missed yesterday but it’s not for a few weeks,” I tell them, shrugging it off like it doesn’t matter. Like I’m not worried my baby can feel my pain and that every night I cry alone in our bed I’m damaging this tiny life.
Like I’m already a horrible mother and all this shit is going to hurt my baby.
“They couldn’t get you in sooner?”
“I told them I wasn’t free until the end of the month. I just want to get my life together,” I say and take in a calming breath. “I know what I want, and I’m going to go for it whether or not Evan is beside me.” Picking at nonexistent fuzz on my sweater I add, “I’m going to need some time before I can … before I can be the kind of happy and grateful I want to be when I first see my baby … even if it is only a little blip on a screen.”
“You deserve happiness,” Maddie says and the other girls nod.
“Instead of the appointment, I watched a bunch of men I don’t know install a security system and fix a window.”
“A window?” Maddie asks and Sue tilts her head in confusion that matches Jules’s furrowed brow.
Huffing out a breath, I decide not to elaborate on that. “I wish Evan would stop living like he’s twenty-one and doing stupid things … like leaving me.”
“I can’t imagine him walking away when he knows you’re pregnant,” Sue says although I’m not sure it was intended for me. She stares absently at the roaring fire, the crackling filling the silence that follows her words.
“I think that’s what hurts the most. It was so … When I told him, he was just so …” I have to pause and close my eyes. I remember the way he held me and kissed me, and it kills me.
“Hey now,” Sue says. “You’re going to be fine regardless. He’s got a situation he’s dealing with.”
I roll my eyes at the word “situation.”
“The fact that he has any situation is the problem.” All of my frustration flies out of my mouth. “We should have our lives together. Stability and a family.”
It’s silent once I’ve finished. Maddie looks down at the rug and Jules has an expression of sympathy, although neither says anything.
“I agree,” Sue responds gently after a moment.
“It’s going to be okay,” Maddie speaks up although she doesn’t look at me, she just picks at the rug. She shrugs and says, “Being pregnant and single is like the new trend anyway.”
I let out a little laugh, and it breaks up the tension. Maddie even smiles.
“Well, at least it’s fashionable then.” My hand moves to my belly subconsciously and a surge of strength eases my pain.
I can do this, and I deserve happiness. I’m worthy of that. If Evan doesn’t think so, then he’ll have to deal with the consequences.
“Forget him,” I tell them. “If he wants to act like he’s perpetually twenty-one, then he can do it alone.”
I move a throw pillow to my lap and hold on to it.
“You’re going to be fine regardless,” Sue says, repeating her earlier sentiment.
“And we’re going to throw you the best shower ever,” Maddie adds, taking over the conversation again. Bringing it to happier topics.
“What theme do you want? The elephants or bees … or whatever else is in that bag?” Jules asks me as if it’s all we should be talking about. I suppose it is. I’m done with Evan and this instability.
“I’ll have to think about it,” I answer and bury myself into the sofa. “Maybe when we know if it’s a boy or a girl, then we can decide?” A light feeling seems to lift my shoulders like a weight is gone. Maybe it’s the feeling you get when you’re truly done with someone. When there’s no way they can make it right again and you’ve come to accept it.
Maddie steers the conversation toward baby shower talk, and her voice is peppy as she says something about a Pinterest board.
My gaze falls on each of the girls in turn, all of them here for me. Jules catches my eye and rests her hand on my thigh, mouthing the words, “It’s going to be okay.”
For a short moment, maybe a second or two, I feel like it might.
Evan needs time to realize what it means to be the man I need.
Hopefully the time I need to get over him completely and stop falling for his charm is less than that. Because I can’t do this again. I can’t, and I won’t.
Diary Entry One
Mom,
It’s been a while.
I miss you guys, but you already know that. I could really use your advice now.
I know Evan loves me. I can feel it when he looks at me, but when he’s not with me, I feel like he doesn’t. I know I’m insecure, but he’s been so weird lately. He’s acting crazy and it scares me a little. You wouldn’t like it.
I don’t even want to tell you. I’m so ashamed.
It’s that bad.
I know you never met him, but I swear he’s a good guy. I know he is.
But the thing is, he’s not doing good things.
The worst part is that he’s not stopping.
He knows we’re pregnant, and he’s not stopping. It doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?
I don’t know what to do.
He wants me to wait for him and I love him so much.
But I’m scared, Mom.
I cry all the time. That can’t be good for our little one.
I remember you crying when I was little and how you held me and sang lullabies to me. I’m trying that late at night. I hold my belly and try to sing lullabies instead of crying. I’m trying so hard, but I’m afraid I’m already failing.
I don’t think I can be with someone who isn’t willing to stop doing what he knows is wrong. It’s not just me anymore.
But it gets worse.
I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Mom. I could use your lullabies right now.
Chapter 8
Evan
Threats can make you weak,
To think of what’s to come.
To avoid seeing what’s here and now,
Living life as if you’re numb.
The lies are spinning webs,
To trap and hold you still.
The sinners hiding in plain sight,
Hold your fate against your will.
New York City is a sight that never fails to impress. It’s a mix of things—the nightlife, the skyscrapers, the people themselves. But winter is when it’s the most beautiful, I think.
Only the trees are wrapped with Christmas lights this early in November, but soon everything will be covered in white and blue lights. The shop windows in Rockefeller Center will be decorated with luxe details and high-end staging, and people will come from around the world to see it.
It’s stunning, but what’s best about it, is the crowds. During the winter months, this block is constantly packed. That’s exactly what I need right now.
I need to remove one of my gloves to turn on my phone and check the messages. My foot taps on the hard cobblestone beneath my feet as I wait on an iron bench.
The phone
goes off in my hand and I stare at the message from my father.
Just a bit overworked because of my dumbass son.
Are you sure you’re all right? I ask him and ignore the insult.
It’s fine.
If you went to the hospital, I text him, it must’ve been bad. On the subway here, I got the message from my father that he was being released. He said he felt light-headed in the grocery store and the manager called an ambulance. He said they were just being dramatic, but I know my father. He’s stubborn and hates hospitals.
I’m fine. Go make it right with your wife, he tells me, and I have to tear my eyes away from the phone.
I’m trying.
I hesitate to tell him, but the heat flowing through my veins begs me to text my father. She’s pregnant. I can’t help it. I’m so fucking proud. Like I did something amazing for the first time in my life.
His response is immediate.
Thank God. Now she has to forgive you, right? he texts back, and I let a small chuckle escape.
I wish it were that easy. That’s not how it works, Pops.
He messages back, It’s Pop-Pop now. I’m so happy for you two. You better make it right with her.
My phone pings again and this time it’s not my father, it’s the person I’ve been waiting for. I’m here.
A few children shriek with laughter as they run by me and I lift my eyes, watching them chase each other. That’s when I see her. Samantha.
I shove the phone in my pocket, stand up and put my glove back on, then shove my hands into my coat pockets as I walk toward her.
“Thank you for meeting me.” Sam greets me with bright red cheeks that match the tip of her nose. Her hair’s been blown around her face by the wind, even though she has on a white cable knit beanie and a matching scarf. She slips her phone into her fur-trimmed jacket and declares, “I feel like I’m being paranoid.”
You Know I Need You: Book 2, You Know Me duet (You Are Mine Duets 4) Page 5