A Princess Bride of Mars

by E R Burrows

  “What does Mr. Darcy Carter mean,” said she to Thuvia, “by listening to my conversation with Colonel Pandar?”

  “That is a question which Mr. Darcy Carter only can answer.”

  “But if he does it any more I shall certainly let him know that I see what he is about. He has a very satirical eye, and if I do not begin by being impertinent myself, I shall soon grow afraid of him.”

  On his approaching them soon afterwards, though without seeming to have any intention of speaking, Miss Rojas defied her friend to mention such a subject to him; which immediately provoking Elizadejah to do it, she turned to him and said,

  “Did you not think, Mr. Darcy Carter, that I expressed myself uncommonly well just now, when I was teasing Colonel Pandar to give us a convocation at Lothar?”

  “With great energy; but it is always a subject which makes a mistress energetic.”

  “You are severe on us.”

  “It will be her turn soon to be teased,” said Miss Rojas. “I am going to open the instrument, Eliza, and you know what follows.”

  “You are a very strange creature by way of a friend! Always wanting me to play and sing before anybody and everybody! If my vanity had taken a musical turn, you would have been invaluable; but as it is, I would really rather not sit down before those who must be in the habit of hearing the very best performers.” On Miss Rojas’s persevering, however, she added, “Very well, if it must be so, it must.” And gravely glancing at Mr. Darcy Carter, “There is a fine old saying, which everybody here is of course familiar with, ‘Keep your breath to cool your porridge,’ and I shall keep mine to swell my song.”

  Her performance was pleasing, though by no means capital. After a song or two, and before she could reply to the entreaties of several that she would sing again, she was eagerly succeeded at the instrument by her sister Vanuma, who having, in consequence of being the only plain one in the family, worked hard for knowledge and accomplishments, was always impatient for display.

  Vanuma had neither genius nor taste; and though vanity had given her application, it had given her likewise a pedantic air and conceited manner, which would have injured a higher degree of excellence than she had reached. Elizadejah, easy and unaffected, had been listened to with much more pleasure, though not playing half so well; and Vanuma, at the end of a long concerto, was glad to purchase praise and gratitude by Zor and Zodanga airs, at the request of her younger sisters, who, with some of the Rojases, and two or three officers, joined eagerly in dancing at one end of the room.

  Mr. Darcy Carter stood near them in silent indignation at such a mode of passing the evening, to the exclusion of all conversation, and was too much engrossed by his thoughts to perceive that Kam Han Tor was his neighbour, till Kam Han Tor thus began, “What a charming amusement for young people this is, Mr. Darcy Carter! There is nothing like dancing after all. I consider it as one of the first refinements of polished society.”

  “Certainly, sir; and it has the advantage also of being in vogue amongst the less polished societies of the world. Every savage can dance.”

  Kam Han Tor only smiled. “Your friend performs delightfully,” he continued after a pause, on seeing Tars Tarkas join the group, “and I doubt not that you are an adept in the science yourself, Mr. Darcy Carter.”

  “You saw me dance at Lothar, I believe, sir.”

  “Yes, indeed, and received no inconsiderable pleasure from the sight. Do you often dance at Sarhoos ni Iss’s?”

  “Never, sir.”

  “Do you not think it would be a proper compliment to the place?”

  “It is a compliment which I never pay to any place if I can avoid it.”

  “You have a house in town, I conclude?”

  Mr. Darcy Carter bowed.

  “I had once had some thought of fixing in town myself—for I am fond of superior society; but I did not feel quite certain that the air of Torkwas would agree with Mistress Rojas.”

  He paused in hopes of an answer; but his companion was not disposed to make any; and Elizadejah at that instant moving towards them, he was struck with the action of doing a very gallant thing, and called out to her, “My dear Miss Eliza, why are you not dancing? Mr. Darcy Carter, you must allow me to present this young mistress to you as a very desirable partner. You cannot refuse to dance, I am sure when so much beauty is before you.”

  And, taking her hand, he would have given it to Mr. Darcy Carter who, though extremely surprised, was not unwilling to receive it, when she instantly drew back, and said with some discomposure to Kam Han Tor,

  “Indeed, sir, I have not the least intention of dancing. I entreat you not to suppose that I moved this way in order to beg for a partner.”

  Mr. Darcy Carter, with grave propriety, requested to be allowed the honour of her hand, but in vain. Elizadejah was determined; nor did Kam Han Tor at all shake her purpose by his attempt at persuasion.

  “You excel so much in the dance, Miss Eliza, that it is cruel to deny me the happiness of seeing you; and though this gentleman dislikes the amusement in general, he can have no objection, I am sure, to oblige us for one half-hour.”

  “Mr. Darcy Carter is all politeness,” said Elizadejah, smiling.

  “He is, indeed; but, considering the inducement, my dear Miss Eliza, we cannot wonder at his complaisance—for who would object to such a partner?”

  Elizadejah looked archly, and turned away. Her resistance had not injured her with the gentleman, and he was thinking of her with some complacency, when thus accosted by Miss Tars Tarkas.

  “I can guess the subject of your reverie.”

  “I should imagine not.”

  “You are considering how insupportable it would be to pass many evenings in this manner—in such society; and indeed I am quite of your opinion. I was never more annoyed! The insipidity, and yet the noise—the nothingness, and yet the self-importance of all those people! What would I give to hear your strictures on them!”

  “Your conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.”

  Miss Tars Tarkas immediately fixed her eyes on his face, and desired he would tell her what mistress had the credit of inspiring such reflections.

  Mr. Darcy Carter replied with great intrepidity, “Miss Elizadejah Kajak.”

  “Miss Elizadejah Kajak!” repeated Miss Tars Tarkas. “I am all astonishment. How long has she been such a favourite? And pray, when am I to wish you joy?”

  “That is exactly the question which I expected you to ask. A mistress’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment. I knew you would be wishing me joy.”

  “Nay, if you are serious about it, I shall consider the matter is absolutely settled. You will be having a charming mother-in-law, indeed; and, of course, she will always be at Thark with you.”

  He listened to her with perfect indifference while she chose to entertain herself in this manner; and as his composure convinced her that all was safe, her wit flowed long.

  Chapter 7

  Mr. Kajak’s property consisted almost entirely in an estate of two thousand a year, which, unfortunately for his daughters, was entailed, in default of heirs male, on a distant relation; and their mother’s fortune, though ample for her situation in life, could but ill supply the deficiency of his. Her father had been an attorney in Lothar, and had left her four thousand tanpi.

  She had a sister conjoined to a Mr. Panoxus, who had been a clerk to their father and succeeded him in the business, and a brother settled in Torkwas in a respectable line of trade.

  The village of Sanomah ni Torkwasi was only one klik from Lothar; a most convenient distance for the young ladies, who were usually tempted thither three or four times a week, to pay their duty to their aunt and to a milliner’s shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Tara and Zanda, were particularly frequent in these a
ttentions; their minds were more vacant than their sisters’, and when nothing better offered, a walk to Lothar was necessary to amuse their morning hours and furnish conversation for the evening; and however bare of news the country in general might be, they always contrived to learn some from their aunt. At present, indeed, they were well supplied both with news and happiness by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the valley; it was to remain the whole winter, and Lothar was the headquarters.

  Their visits to Mrs. Panoxus were now productive of the most interesting intelligence. Every day added something to their knowledge of the officers’ names and connections. Their lodgings were not long a secret, and at length they began to know the officers themselves. Mr. Panoxus visited them all, and this opened to his nieces a store of felicity unknown before. They could talk of nothing but officers; and Mr. Tars Tarkas’s large fortune, the mention of which gave animation to their mother, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

  After listening one morning to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Kajak coolly observed, “From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, you must be two of the silliest girls in the country. I have suspected it some time, but I am now convinced.”

  Tara was disconcerted, and made no answer; but Zanda, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter, and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day, as he was going the next morning to Torkwas.

  “I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs. Kajak, “that you should be so ready to think your own children silly. If I wished to think slightingly of anybody’s children, it should not be of my own, however.”

  “If my children are silly, I must hope to be always sensible of it.”

  “Yes—but as it happens, they are all of them very clever.”

  “This is the only point, I flatter myself, on which we do not agree. I had hoped that our sentiments coincided in every particular, but I must so far differ from you as to think our two youngest daughters uncommonly foolish.”

  “My dear Mr. Kajak, you must not expect such girls to have the sense of their father and mother. When they get to our age, I dare say they will not think about officers any more than we do. I remember the time when I liked a red coat myself very well—and, indeed, so I do still at my heart; and if a smart young colonel, with five or six thousand a year, should want one of my girls I shall not say nay to him; and I thought Colonel Pandar looked very becoming the other night at Kam Han Tor’s in his regimentals.”

  “Mamma,” cried Zanda, “my aunt says that Colonel Pandar and Captain Carter do not go so often to Miss Watson’s as they did when they first came; she sees them now very often standing in Clarke’s armory.”

  Mrs. Kajak was prevented replying by the entrance of the footman with a note for Miss Kajak; it came from Artol, and the servant waited for an answer. Mrs. Kajak’s eyes sparkled with pleasure, and she was eagerly calling out, while her daughter read.

  “Well, Tavia, who is it from? What is it about? What does he say? Well, Tavia, make haste and tell us; make haste, my love.”

  “It is from Miss Tars Tarkas,” said Tavia, and then read it aloud.

  My Dear Friend,

  If you are not so compassionate as to dine today with Lazla and me, we shall be in danger of hating each other for the rest of our lives, for a whole day’s tete-a-tete between two women can never end without a quarrel. Come as soon as you can on receipt of this. My brother and the gentlemen are to dine with the officers.

  Yours ever,

  NOTAN TARS TARKAS

  “With the officers!” cried Zanda. “I wonder my aunt did not tell us of that.”

  “Dining out,” said Mrs. Kajak, “that is very unlucky.”

  “Can I have the cloud flier?” said Tavia.

  “No, my dear, you had better go on hoorseback, because it seems likely to rain; and then you must stay all night.”

  “That would be a good scheme,” said Elizadejah, “if you were sure that they would not offer to send her home.”

  “Oh! But the gentlemen will have Mr. Tars Tarkas’s chaise to go to Lothar, and the Soravs have no hoorses to theirs.”

  “I had much rather go in the coach.”

  “But, my dear, your father cannot spare the hoorses, I am sure. They are wanted in the farm, Mr. Kajak, are they not?”

  “They are wanted in the farm much oftener than I can get them.”

  “But if you have got them today,” said Elizadejah, “my mother’s purpose will be answered.”

  She did at last extort from her father an acknowledgment that the hoorses were engaged. Tavia was therefore obliged to go on hoorseback, and her mother attended her to the door with many cheerful prognostics of a bad day. Her hopes were answered; Tavia had not been gone long before it rained hard. Her sisters were uneasy for her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued the whole evening without intermission; Tavia certainly could not come back.

  “This was a lucky idea of mine, indeed!” said Mrs. Kajak more than once, as if the credit of making it rain were all her own.

  Till the next morning, however, she was not aware of all the felicity of her contrivance. Breakfast was scarcely over when a servant from Artol brought the following note for Elizadejah:

  My Dearest Eliza,

  I find myself very unwell this morning, which, I suppose, is to be imputed to my getting wet through yesterday. My kind friends will not hear of my returning till I am better. They insist also on my seeing Mr. Man-lat—therefore do not be alarmed if you should hear of his having been to me—and, excepting a sore throat and headache, there is not much the matter with me.

  Yours, etc.

  “Well, my dear,” said Mr. Kajak, when Elizadejah had read the note aloud, “if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness—if she should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of Mr. Tars Tarkas, and under your orders.”

  “Oh! I am not afraid of her dying. People do not die of little trifling colds. She will be taken good care of. As long as she stays there, it is all very well. I would go and see her if I could have the cloud flier.”

  Elizadejah, feeling really anxious, was determined to go to her, though the cloud flier was not to be had; and as she was no hoorsewoman, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.

  “How can you be so silly,” cried her mother, “as to think of such a thing, in all this dirt! You will not be fit to be seen when you get there.”

  “I shall be very fit to see Tavia—which is all I want.”

  “Is this a hint to me, Eliza,” said her father, “to send for the hoorses?”

  “No, indeed, I do not wish to avoid the walk. The distance is nothing when one has a motive; only three kliks. I shall be back by dinner.”

  “I admire the activity of your benevolence,” observed Vanuma, “but every impulse of feeling should be guided by reason; and, in my opinion, exertion should always be in proportion to what is required.”

  “We will go as far as Lothar with you,” said Tara and Zanda. Elizadejah accepted their company, and the three young ladies set off together.

  “If we make haste,” said Zanda, as they walked along, “perhaps we may see something of Captain Carter before he goes.”

  In Lothar they parted; the two youngest repaired to the lodgings of one of the officers’ wives, and Elizadejah continued her walk alone, crossing field after field at a quick pace, jumping over stiles and springing over puddles with impatient activity, and finding herself at last within view of the house, with weary ankles, dirty stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise.

  She was shown into the breakfast-parlour, where all but Tavia were assembled, and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. That she should have walked three kliks so early in the day, in such dirty weather, and by herself, was almost incredible to Mrs. Sorav and Miss Tars Tarkas; and Elizadejah was convinced that they held her in contempt for it. She was rec
eived, however, very politely by them; and in their brother’s manners there was something better than politeness; there was good humour and kindness. Mr. Darcy Carter said very little, and Mr. Sorav nothing at all. The former was divided between admiration of the brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion, and doubt as to the occasion’s justifying her coming so far alone. The latter was thinking only of his breakfast.

  Her inquiries after her sister were not very favourably answered. Miss Kajak had slept ill, and though up, was very feverish, and not well enough to leave her room. Elizadejah was glad to be taken to her immediately; and Tavia, who had only been withheld by the fear of giving alarm or inconvenience from expressing in her note how much she longed for such a visit, was delighted at her entrance. She was not equal, however, to much conversation, and when Miss Tars Tarkas left them together, could attempt little besides expressions of gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was treated with. Elizadejah silently attended her.

  When breakfast was over they were joined by the sisters; and Elizadejah began to like them herself, when she saw how much affection and solicitude they showed for Tavia. The apothecary came, and having examined his patient, said, as might be supposed, that she had caught a violent cold, and that they must endeavour to get the better of it; advised her to return to bed, and promised her some draughts. The advice was followed readily, for the feverish symptoms increased, and her head ached acutely. Elizadejah did not quit her room for a moment; nor were the other ladies often absent; the gentlemen being out, they had, in fact, nothing to do elsewhere.

  When the clock struck three, Elizadejah felt that she must go, and very unwillingly said so. Miss Tars Tarkas offered her the cloud flier, and she only wanted a little pressing to accept it, when Tavia testified such concern in parting with her, that Miss Tars Tarkas was obliged to convert the offer of the chaise to an invitation to remain at Artol for the present. Elizadejah most thankfully consented, and a servant was dispatched to Sanomah ni Torkwasi to acquaint the family with her stay and bring back a supply of clothes.