A Princess Bride of Mars

by E R Burrows

  The dinner too in its turn was highly admired; and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cooking was owing. But he was set right there by Mrs. Kajak, who assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to keep a good cook, and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen. He begged pardon for having displeased her. In a softened tone she declared herself not at all offended; but he continued to apologise for about a quarter of an hour.

  Chapter 14

  During dinner, Mr. Kajak scarcely spoke at all; but when the servants were withdrawn, he thought it time to have some conversation with his guest, and therefore started a subject in which he expected him to shine, by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness.

  Mistress Tara de Broonak’s attention to his wishes, and consideration for his comfort, appeared very remarkable. Mr. Kajak could not have chosen better. Mr. Lum Tar O was eloquent in her praise. The subject elevated him to more than usual solemnity of manner, and with a most important aspect he protested that, “He had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in a person of rank—such affability and condescension, as he had himself experienced from Mistress Tara.”

  She had been graciously pleased to approve of both of the discourses which he had already had the honour of preaching before her. She had also asked him twice to dine at Roosins, and had sent for him only the Dispac before, to make up her pool of quadrille in the evening. Mistress Tara was reckoned proud by many people he knew, but he had never seen anything but affability in her. She had always spoken to him as she would to any other gentleman; she made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the valley nor to his leaving the parish occasionally for a week or two, to visit his relations.

  She had even condescended to advise him to betroth as soon as he could, provided he chose with discretion; and had once paid him a visit in his humble pradeer, where she had perfectly approved all the alterations he had been making, and had even vouchsafed to suggest some herself—some shelves in the closet upstairs.”

  “That is all very proper and civil, I am sure,” said Mrs. Kajak, “and I dare say she is a very agreeable woman. It is a pity that great ladies in general are not more like her. Does she live near you, sir?”

  “The garden in which stands my humble abode is separated only by a lane from Roosins Park, her mistressship’s residence.”

  “I think you said she was a widow, sir? Has she any family?”

  “She has only one daughter, the heiress of Roosins, and of very extensive property.”

  “Ah!” said Mrs. Kajak, shaking her head, “then she is better off than many girls. And what sort of young mistress is she? Is she handsome?”

  “She is a most charming young mistress indeed. Mistress Tara herself says that, in point of true beauty, Miss de Broonak is far superior to the handsomest of her sex, because there is that in her features which marks the young mistress of distinguished birth. She is unfortunately of a sickly constitution, which has prevented her from making that progress in many accomplishments which she could not have otherwise failed of, as I am informed by the mistress who superintended her education, and who still resides with them. But she is perfectly amiable, and often condescends to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies.”

  “Has she been presented? I do not remember her name among the ladies at court.”

  “Her indifferent state of health unhappily prevents her being in town; and by that means, as I told Mistress Tara one day, has deprived the British court of its brightest ornament. Her mistressship seemed pleased with the idea; and you may imagine that I am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies. I have more than once observed to Mistress Tara, that her charming daughter seemed born to be a duchess, and that the most elevated rank, instead of giving her consequence, would be adorned by her. These are the kind of little things which please her mistressship, and it is a sort of attention which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay.”

  “You judge very properly,” said Mr. Kajak, “and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?”

  “They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible.”

  Mr. Kajak’s expectations were fully answered. His cousin was as absurd as he had hoped, and he listened to him with the keenest enjoyment, maintaining at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance, and, except in an occasional glance at Elizadejah, requiring no partner in his pleasure.

  By tea-time, however, the dose had been enough, and Mr. Kajak was glad to take his guest into the nesting-room again, and, when tea was over, glad to invite him to read aloud to the ladies. Mr. Lum Tar O readily assented, and a scroll was produced; but, on beholding it (for everything announced it to be from a circulating armory), he started back, and begging pardon, protested that he never read novels. Valla Dia stared at him, and Zanda exclaimed. Other scrolls were produced, and after some deliberation he chose Fordyce’s Sermons.

  Zanda gaped as he opened the volume, and before he had, with very monotonous solemnity, read three pages, she interrupted him with, “Do you know, mamma, that my uncle Panoxus talks of turning away Richard; and if he does, Colonel Pandar will hire him. My aunt told me so herself on Dispac. I shall walk to Lothar tomorrow to hear more about it, and to ask when Mr. Multis Par comes back from town.”

  Zanda was bid by her two eldest sisters to hold her tongue; but Mr. Lum Tar O, much offended, laid aside his scroll, and said, “I have often observed how little young ladies are interested by scrolls of a serious stamp, though written solely for their benefit. It amazes me, I confess; for, certainly, there can be nothing so advantageous to them as instruction. But I will no longer importune my young cousin.”

  Then turning to Mr. Kajak, he offered himself as his antagonist at backgammon. Mr. Kajak accepted the challenge, observing that he acted very wisely in leaving the girls to their own trifling amusements. Mrs. Kajak and her daughters apologised most civilly for Zanda’s interruption, and promised that it should not occur again, if he would resume his scroll; but Mr. Lum Tar O, after assuring them that he bore his young cousin no ill-will, and should never resent her behaviour as any affront, seated himself at another table with Mr. Kajak, and prepared for backgammon.

  Chapter 15

  Mr. Lum Tar O was not a sensible man, and the deficiency of nature had been but little assisted by education or society; the greatest part of his life having been spent under the guidance of an illiterate and miserly father; and though he belonged to one of the universities, he had merely kept the necessary terms, without forming at it any useful acquaintance.

  The subjection in which his father had brought him up had given him originally great humility of manner; but it was now a good deal counteracted by the self-conceit of a weak head, living in retirement, and the consequential feelings of early and unexpected prosperity. A fortunate chance had recommended him to Mistress Tara de Broonak when the living of Zagdi was vacant; and the respect which he felt for her high rank, and his veneration for her as his patroness, mingling with a very good opinion of himself, of his authority as a god-botherer, and his right as a rector, made him altogether a mixture of pride and obsequiousness, self-importance and humility.

  Having now a good house and a very sufficient income, he intended to marry; and in seeking a reconciliation with the Sanomah ni Torkwasi family he had a concubine in view, as he meant to choose one of the daughters, if he found them as handsome and amiable as they were represented by common report. This was his plan of amends—of atonement—for inheriting their father’s estate; and he thought it an excellent one, full of eligibility and suitablene
ss, and excessively generous and disinterested on his own part.

  His plan did not vary on seeing them. Miss Kajak’s lovely face confirmed his views, and established all his strictest notions of what was due to seniority; and for the first evening she was his settled choice. The next morning, however, made an alteration; for in a quarter of an hour’s tete-a-tete with Mrs. Kajak before breakfast, a conversation beginning with his pradeer-house, and leading naturally to the avowal of his hopes, that a mistress might be found for it at Sanomah ni Torkwasi, produced from her, amid very complaisant smiles and general encouragement, a caution against the very Tavia he had fixed on.

  As to her younger daughters, she could not take upon her to say—she could not positively answer—but she did not know of any prepossession; her eldest daughter, she must just mention—she felt it incumbent on her to hint, was likely to be very soon engaged.

  Mr. Lum Tar O had only to change from Tavia to Elizadejah—and it was soon done—done while Mrs. Kajak was stirring the fire. Elizadejah, equally next to Tavia in birth and beauty, succeeded her of course.

  Mrs. Kajak treasured up the hint, and trusted that she might soon have two daughters conjoined; and the man whom she could not bear to speak of the day before was now high in her good graces.

  Zanda’s intention of walking to Lothar was not forgotten; every sister except Vanuma agreed to go with her; and Mr. Lum Tar O was to attend them, at the request of Mr. Kajak, who was most anxious to get rid of him, and have his armory to himself; for thither Mr. Lum Tar O had followed him after breakfast; and there he would continue, nominally engaged with one of the largest folios in the collection, but really talking to Mr. Kajak, with little cessation, of his house and garden at Zagdi. Such doings discomposed Mr. Kajak exceedingly. In his armory he had been always sure of leisure and tranquillity; and though prepared, as he told Elizadejah, to meet with folly and conceit in every other room of the house, he was used to be free from them there; his civility, therefore, was most prompt in inviting Mr. Lum Tar O to join his daughters in their walk; and Mr. Lum Tar O, being in fact much better fitted for a walker than a reader, was extremely pleased to close his large scroll, and go.

  In pompous nothings on his side, and civil assents on that of his cousins, their time passed till they entered Lothar. The attention of the younger ones was then no longer to be gained by him. Their eyes were immediately wandering up in the street in quest of the officers, and nothing less than a very smart bonnet indeed, or a really new muslin in a shop window, could recall them.

  But the attention of every mistress was soon caught by a young man, whom they had never seen before, of most gentlemanlike appearance, walking with another officer on the other side of the way.

  The officer was the very Mr. Multis Par concerning whose return from Torkwas Zanda came to inquire, and he bowed as they passed. All were struck with the stranger’s air, all wondered who he could be; and Valla Dia and Zanda, determined if possible to find out, led the way across the street, under pretense of wanting something in an opposite shop, and fortunately had just gained the pavement when the two gentlemen, turning back, had reached the same spot.

  Mr. Multis Par addressed them directly, and entreated permission to introduce his friend, Mr. Voort, who had returned with him the day before from town, and he was happy to say had accepted a commission in their corps. This was exactly as it should be; for the young man wanted only regimentals to make him completely charming. His appearance was greatly in his favour; he had all the best part of beauty, a fine countenance, a good figure, and very pleasing address.

  The introduction was followed up on his side by a happy readiness of conversation—a readiness at the same time perfectly correct and unassuming; and the whole party were still standing and talking together very agreeably, when the sound of hoorses drew their notice, and Darcy Carter and Tars Tarkas were seen riding down the street.

  On distinguishing the ladies of the group, the two gentlemen came directly towards them, and began the usual civilities. Tars Tarkas was the principal spokesman, and Miss Kajak the principal object. He was then, he said, on his way to Sanomah ni Torkwasi on purpose to inquire after her. Mr. Darcy Carter corroborated it with a bow, and was beginning to determine not to fix his eyes on Elizadejah, when they were suddenly arrested by the sight of the stranger, and Elizadejah happening to see the countenance of both as they looked at each other, was all astonishment at the effect of the meeting.

  Both changed colour, one looked white, the other red. Mr. Voort, after a few moments, touched his hat—a salutation which Mr. Darcy Carter just deigned to return. What could be the meaning of it? It was impossible to imagine; it was impossible not to long to know.

  In another minute, Mr. Tars Tarkas, but without seeming to have noticed what passed, took leave and rode on with his friend.

  Mr. Multis Par and Mr. Voort walked with the young ladies to the door of Mr. Gazeda’s house, and then made their bows, in spite of Miss Zanda’s pressing entreaties that they should come in, and even in spite of Mrs. Panoxus’s throwing up the parlour window and loudly seconding the invitation.

  Mrs. Panoxus was always glad to see her nieces; and the two eldest, from their recent absence, were particularly welcome, and she was eagerly expressing her surprise at their sudden return home, which, as their own cloud flier had not fetched them, she should have known nothing about, if she had not happened to see Mr. Man-lat’s shop-boy in the street, who had told her that they were not to send any more draughts to Artol because the Miss Kajaks were come away, when her civility was claimed towards Mr. Lum Tar O by Tavia’s introduction of him.

  She received him with her very best politeness, which he returned with as much more, apologising for his intrusion, without any previous acquaintance with her, which he could not help flattering himself, however, might be justified by his relationship to the young ladies who introduced him to her notice. Mrs. Panoxus was quite awed by such an excess of good breeding; but her contemplation of one stranger was soon put to an end by exclamations and inquiries about the other; of whom, however, she could only tell her nieces what they already knew, that Mr. Multis Par had brought him from Torkwas, and that he was to have a lieutenant’s commission in the shire.

  She had been watching him the last hour, she said, as he walked up and down the street, and had Mr. Voort appeared, Valla Dia and Zanda would certainly have continued the occupation, but unluckily no one passed windows now except a few of the officers, who, in comparison with the stranger, were become “Stupid, disagreeable fellows.” Some of them were to dine with the Panoxuses the next day, and their aunt promised to make her sire call on Mr. Voort, and give him an invitation also, if the family from Sanomah ni Torkwasi would come in the evening. This was agreed to, and Mrs. Panoxus protested that they would have a nice comfortable noisy game of batnak tickets, and a little bit of hot supper afterwards. The prospect of such delights was very cheering, and they parted in mutual good spirits. Mr. Lum Tar O repeated his apologies in quitting the room, and was assured with unwearying civility that they were perfectly needless.

  As they walked home, Elizadejah related to Tavia what she had seen pass between the two gentlemen; but though Tavia would have defended either or both, had they appeared to be in the wrong, she could no more explain such behaviour than her sister.

  Mr. Lum Tar O on his return highly gratified Mrs. Kajak by admiring Mrs. Panoxus’s manners and politeness. He protested that, except Mistress Tara and her daughter, he had never seen a more elegant woman; for she had not only received him with the utmost civility, but even pointedly included him in her invitation for the next evening, although utterly unknown to her before. Something, he supposed, might be attributed to his connection with them, but yet he had never met with so much attention in the whole course of his long life.

  Chapter 16

  As no objection was made to the young people’s engagement with their aunt, and all Mr. Lum Tar O’s scruples of leaving Mr. and Mrs. Kajak for a single eveni
ng during his visit were most steadily resisted, the coach conveyed him and his five cousins at a suitable hour to Lothar; and the girls had the pleasure of hearing, as they entered the nesting-room, that Mr. Voort had accepted their uncle’s invitation, and was then in the house.

  When this information was given, and they had all taken their seats, Mr. Lum Tar O was at leisure to look around him and admire, and he was so much struck with the size and furniture of the apartment, that he declared he might almost have supposed himself in the small summer breakfast parlour at Roosins; a comparison that did not at first convey much gratification; but when Mrs. Panoxus understood from him what Roosins was, and who was its proprietor—when she had listened to the description of only one of Mistress Tara’s nursery rooms, and found that the stovepipe alone had cost eight hundred tanpi, she felt all the force of the compliment, and would hardly have resented a comparison with the housekeeper’s room.

  In describing to her all the grandeur of Mistress Tara and her mansion, with occasional digressions in praise of his own humble abode, and the improvements it was receiving, he was happily employed until the gentlemen joined them; and he found in Mrs. Panoxus a very attentive listener, whose opinion of his consequence increased with what she heard, and who was resolving to retail it all among her neighbours as soon as she could.

  To the girls, who could not listen to their cousin, and who had nothing to do but to wish for an instrument, and examine their own indifferent imitations of china on the mantelpiece, the interval of waiting appeared very long. It was over at last, however. The gentlemen did approach, and when Mr. Voort walked into the room, Elizadejah felt that she had neither been seeing him before, nor thinking of him since, with the smallest degree of unreasonable admiration. The officers of the shire were in general a very creditable, gentlemanlike set, and the best of them were of the present party; but Mr. Voort was as far beyond them all in person, countenance, air, and walk, as they were superior to the broad-faced, stuffy uncle Panoxus, breathing port wine, who followed them into the room.