“I’m sorry,” he whispered, yet again.
He didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, but as long as his mate was there, he was staying. He would support him, even if Alex didn’t want it. That was all he could do right now. He didn’t want to make the situation worse.
It was the hardest thing he’d ever done: Sitting passively as Alex fell apart in front of him. Sobs wracked Alex’s body, and Cyan knew he’d hear his cries for the rest of his life. His poor broken mate. But no matter how long it took, Cyan was going to be with him every step of the way, until he became the man he’d once been, whoever that was.
Slowly, as the minutes passed, Alex calmed. His sobs quietened, and he stopped rocking back and forth. His tears lessened, and his body began to lose the tension it had held.
Cyan sat and said nothing, letting Alex do what he needed to. He’d caused enough problems already, and the last thing he wanted to do was to make Alex feel worse than he did already. Man, he was a dumb fuck at times. He had no one but himself to blame for Alex’s condition.
If only he could raise the dead, because he’d raise every one of those fuckers who’d hurt his mate. He’d take his time with them, enjoying every second of their torture. But he couldn’t, so all he could do was wait.
Alex looked up at him, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. He blinked, and two fat tears rolled down his face, following the path of the hundreds that had come before. Or was that thousands?
They stared at each other, and Cyan kept quiet. All he could do was sit and wait, because he didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.
❊❊❊
“You should go,” Alex mumbled, his voice hoarse from crying. He turned away so he didn’t have to see Cyan.
“Please, Alex. Can we talk?”
Alex glanced at Cyan then looked away. “Why?”
“I don’t want to leave you like this.”
“You don’t get a choice.” He shook his head.
They sat on the floor, but he couldn’t remember getting there. He looked over at Cyan again who knelt near him. He vaguely remembered Cyan saying sorry, but it was like a faded memory now.
Too much. The thought of having mate was simply too much. He couldn’t handle it.
He pushed up and crawled over to the sofa and leaned his hot face on the cool surface. He felt exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers up, and forget the outside world existed.
Why now? After everything, why did he have to be someone’s mate now? Cyan was a nice guy, but he wasn’t what Alex wanted. Alex didn’t want anyone. He wanted to walk away and never look back. He wanted to put the past behind him, and being here was a constant reminder of what he endured, what he’d survived.
He needed a timeout of his life. “Please, go, Cyan.”
“Alex. Shouldn’t we talk about this?”
“Why? Give me one good reason why I should talk to you about this?”
“Because we’re mates and that means something.”
Alex shook his head. It didn’t matter who he was to Cyan. There was no future for them. “They’ll be other men for you. Just not me.”
Cyan reached out to him, then slowly lowered his hand. “Please, Alex.”
“You need to go now. Don’t make me call the police because you refuse to leave.”
He looked at Cyan, watching the indecision on his face. He finally nodded and stood up. “You have my number.”
“I’ll get rid of it.”
Cyan shook his head. “Why? Just call me when you’re ready.”
“Don’t wait for me, Cyan. Move on.”
Cyan shook his head again. “Just... call me.”
“I don’t want you. I don’t want anyone.” Alex hardened his jaw and stared directly at Cyan. “There’s nothing here for you.”
He saw the moment Cyan realized he was speaking the truth, and his face fell. “Alex,” he whispered.
Alex shook his head and saw Cyan swallow. He heard his indrawn breath, the shaky sound echoing throughout the quiet room but said nothing to ease the pain written so clearly on Cyan’s face.
This was for the best. Cyan could move on and find someone he could have a relationship with. The thought of being touched by a man made Alex feel physically sick, and his skin crawled. The thought of being bitten... No, he wasn’t the person Cyan needed in his life.
“You have my number.” Cyan’s voice broke at the end and he looked away.
Alex bit his lip. Even though it was painful to do, it was the right thing for both of them. “You’ll find someone soon,” he muttered.
“We only get one mate, and you’re it for me.”
“You’ll find someone else.” A good-looking man like Cyan would have no problem finding someone else.
Cyan shook his head. He stared at Alex for so long he squirmed. Alex stared at the front door, hoping Cyan would take the hint and go. When he finally walked toward it, Alex sighed.
“I’ll see you around, I guess.”
Alex shook his head. “I’m leaving soon. Have a good life Cyan.”
Cyan stared at him, his mouth falling open. “You’re leaving?”
“Like you are now. Goodbye, Cyan.”
Cyan’s face hardened, and he suddenly spun and opened the front door so hard it banged against the wall. Alex stood and closed it gently, hearing the door to the apartment building bang.
Finally, he was alone, just as he wanted. It was what he wanted, wasn’t it? He was no good to anyone. He was damaged, broken, and he didn’t know if he could put himself back together again.
Cyan deserved someone who was whole and could give him the relationship he deserved, someone who could be himself with him. Alex couldn’t do any of those things, and even though he knew it hurt Cyan, it was the best decision for both of them.
He sat on the sofa and stared at the apartment, his home for the past several weeks. He’d be leaving soon. There was nothing for him here. His chest hurt at those thoughts, and he knew it was the strange connection to Cyan that was causing it.
He couldn’t stay though. Seeing the others who had experienced what he had brought the memories to the surface constantly. Being with Cyan had helped him with that, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t sentence Cyan to a lifetime of loneliness.
He couldn’t give him what he wanted. He would never have sex again, and he knew Cyan would want that from him. No, it would be horrible for Cyan to see him, be with him, knowing he couldn’t have him.
Soon, he would put this place behind him and move on, but he knew he would remember Cyan forever. In the short time they’d spent together, Alex had felt their connection, and he knew a small part of him always would.
He hoped Cyan would one day be able to move on and be with a man he deserved. It just couldn’t be him.
Chapter Ten
Cyan lay in bed, listening to Teal move around their home. He stared at the ceiling not paying attention to Teal’s muttering. He didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything. He just wanted to stay in bed and forget about the world outside his bedroom door.
A month had passed since the day he’d left Alex’s apartment. The longest month of his life. He was living a half-life, staring at his phone, waiting for Alex to reach out and call him, but there had been nothing. No call, no message. Nothing at all.
He knew he had to get up. He had work piling up on his desk, designs he needed to complete. But he lacked the enthusiasm he usually felt. Teal had given up on him days ago when they’d argued over his behavior.
They’d had a nasty argument and hadn’t spoken since. They’d argued before; they were brothers, after all, but never anything like this. Cyan knew it was his fault, but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered to him anymore. Not now that he’d lost his mate.
His brothers had attempted an intervention, but it hadn’t worked. Now, they left him alone. All except his mom. She came over and sat with him, not saying anything. When he lay on the sofa with her, with his head in her lap, she st
roked his hair but still remained silent, offering the comfort he so desperately needed.
It was like she knew he needed to have her there but needed to work his way through his grief for what he’d lost. Nothing anyone said would ease the ache in his chest, the painful loss that he carried everywhere with him.
Anna had seen Alex the day before when he’d begged her to go over and talk to him. She still saw Alex regularly but it was uncomfortable. She hadn’t wanted to, again because she knew how it made Alex feel, but he’d insisted. As long as he knew Alex was safe and well, he could struggle through his day, and at night, alone in his bed, he cried for the life he would never have.
Teal knocked on his bedroom door. “Mom will be here in five. Get in the shower and open the windows. You fucking stink; it’s so bad I can smell you out here.”
Cyan wanted to ignore him, but he knew Anna would drag him out of bed physically. He grunted and threw back the covers. His smell wafted up to him, and he grimaced as he caught scent of it. Yeah, he reeked.
By the time he stepped out of his bedroom, Anna was waiting for him. Teal shook his head and grabbed his keys and wallet.
“You’re a fool to keep torturing yourself like this.”
“Teal,” Anna snapped. “Shut up and go.”
“Mom! You know I’m right.”
“What did I just say?” She side eyed him, and Teal took a hasty step back.
“Love you, Mom.”
Cyan would have laughed at the speed Teal left if he wasn’t completely focused on his mom who was now watching him.
“Let’s sit down.”
“Mom, how is he?” he asked as he followed her over to one of the chairs around the kitchen table.
“He’s getting there. It’s a struggle some days.”
“That’s good. That’s great.”
Anna reached out and held his hand. “I wish I had more to tell you.”
“This is enough, Mom.”
“No, it isn’t.” She smiled sadly at him. “He mentioned leaving again.”
Cyan nodded. Alex had mentioned it more recently from what Teal had told Cyan. “It won’t be long until he’s gone. I guess being here reminds him of what happened.”
“There’s always hope.”
“That’s all I have, Mom.” Cyan blinked, and a tear fell. “I have to wait and hope.”
Anna reached up and wiped his tear away. “There’s a chance he will never accept you.”
“I know what he suffered,” he whispered hoarsely. “I know.”
“Even if he could move past the fact that he was abused, he has the physical reminders on his body.”
“Scars.” Cyan nodded. He’d seen the scars on his neck but had never mentioned them to Alex. He didn’t want to remind Alex of what he’d endured. “I’ve seen them, but to me they just prove he’s a survivor.”
“He doesn’t feel like he is, and he’s ashamed of them. Do you think he’d want you to see them?”
Cyan shook his head. “I don’t care about them, Mom.”
“But he does.”
“Mom—”
“Cyan.” Anna squeezed his hand. “He has endured so much pain and suffering. His body reflects that. Even if he sorts his head out, his body is a constant reminder.”
“Mom.”
“Are you going tonight?” Anna asked, changing the subject. “They’re looking at one of the labs. We think it’s been abandoned.”
Sighing, Cyan said, “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Good. You need to be doing something other than sitting around here and wallowing in self-pity.”
Cyan sat up straight and stared at Anna. “How can you say that?”
“It’s been a month. I’ve spent a lot of time with him, Cyan. You can’t live your life waiting for him. I know he’s your mate, but please, you must start to live again.”
“I don’t know if I can.” Cyan wrung his hands. He honestly didn’t think he could walk away from Alex. “He’s my mate, Mom, and he doesn’t want me. Everyone just expects me to pick up the pieces and move on, but it isn’t that easy. I don’t know if I can.”
“I know it isn’t, but really, Cyan, what choice do you have?”
Cyan stared at the table and finally nodded. Mom was right. It hurt like hell, but he had to at least try, even if he knew deep down that he would always be missing part of himself.
“Okay, I’ll try.” He would try, but he knew he wouldn’t succeed.
“Good.” Anna smiled, squeezing his hand then releasing it. “Come over tonight. I’m cooking steaks.”
Cyan gave her a ghost of a smile. “I’ll be there.”
“We’ll go over the plans for tonight’s raid.”
Not long after, Anna left, leaving Cyan alone with his thoughts. Moving on from Alex was going to be an almost impossible task, but he had to try. He had to try because there was nothing else left for him to do.
❊❊❊
Alex scanned the shelves, picking up one can after the other and then putting them down again. Nothing appealed to him, and he was hungry. It really wasn’t the best time to go shopping when you’re hungry. The candy aisle was far too tempting, and Alex kept looking over toward it. One bar. Just one bar.
Yeah, right. Like he would stop at one bar. More like fifty. He chuckled as an image popped into his mind of him swimming though liquid perfection. Chocolate. Oh my, he would die for a bar of chocolate, but he had to be good. He needed to get his body back in tip-top condition.
But, really, one bar wouldn’t hurt, would it?
He walked over to the aisle and groaned at all the shelves filled with chocolaty goodness. “I’ve died and gone to heaven.”
“Me too. I love chocolate.”
Alex jumped in surprise and spun around, almost falling in his haste to scramble away from the man standing behind him. “Cyan.” As soon as he said the name, he realized it wasn’t Cyan.
“Almost, but not quite. Teal, Cyan’s twin. Not obvious, is it? I mean, poor Cyan didn’t get the looks out of the two of us.” Teal grinned. “Now, I love chocolate.”
“So does Cyan.”
“We both do. Mom makes the best cakes.” Teal licked his lips and rubbed his stomach. “You should come over and try some.”
“Why?” Alex furrowed his brow.
Teal frowned in return. “Why not?”
Alex’s frown deepened. “That didn’t answer my question.”
“It did. You just don’t like it.” Teal continued to smile at him.
Alex stepped back and shook his head. “I don’t think that’ll happen.”
“Why don’t we go for a bite to eat? Me and you. We can hang out, get to know each other.”
“Because of Cyan?”
“He is my brother, and you’re his mate. Of course, I want to get to know you.”
“I’m no one.” Alex gritted his teeth. He wasn’t doing the whole getting to know the family thing. He had Anna, and that was good enough for him.
“Yeah, you are. Whether you like it or not, you are family.” Teal grinned again. “So, me and you? Food at Rick’s place? The Crispy Bacon?”
“I haven’t eaten there.” Why had he admitted that? Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head, taking another step back. “Sorry, but no. I’m not going.”
“Why not? You could do with some friends, Alex, and I’m not going to try and talk you into accepting my brother. Sure, I want him to be happy but not if you’re miserable.”
“Really?” Alex didn’t even bother to hide the skepticism in his voice.
Teal nodded. “It’s hard, yeah. Trying to move on. Well, you’re not alone, so let’s go. I’ll even treat you to chocolate cake.”
“How can I refuse?” Alex murmured.
“You can’t. Come on.” Teal turned with a glance and a smile and led Alex from the grocery store.
Alex followed him out and walked next to him, keeping quiet as Teal talked about the town. He waved or smiled at people who walked past. He was a pa
rt of this community; he knew everyone who walked by, and it made Alex feel even more like a stranger.
He’d been living in his apartment for three months, and he could count on one hand the number of people he knew. He accompanied Teal, even when he knew he shouldn’t. Maybe he was desperate for some human interaction. Maybe he just needed a friend. Whatever it was, it kept him with Teal.
When they walked into Rick’s Place, a diner that had a wonderful homey atmosphere, Alex felt the tension leave. His shoulders dropped, and he closed his eyes, inhaling the wonderful aroma on the air.
“This place comes second only to my Mom’s cooking. No one can beat her food.”
Alex smiled and sat at the table Teal led them to. “I miss my mom, well the mom she used to be before the alcohol.”
“Don’t worry. Mom loves you like another son.”
“Because of Cyan.”
Teal rolled his eyes. “Please. That’s Mom. It’s just the way she is.” Teal picked up the menu, then muttered, “Don’t know why I even look when I know everything.”
“What do you recommend?”
“All of it?” Teal said with a grin. “The mac and cheese.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, Mom uses this half fat shit. Here, they use the real stuff. Cheese comes in a close second to chocolate.”
Alex smiled. “I like both too.”
“Right, I’ll order two servings then.”
Alex watched Teal go to the counter and order. He stood chatting with the woman behind him, laughing when she made a comment. She glanced over and waved at him, a move Alex hesitatingly copied.
Alex returned to the table and grinned at him. “So, what should we talk about, or should I tell you lots of embarrassing stories about Cyan?”
“Embarrassing stories?” Alex shook his head. Really, they were going to talk about Cyan. After everything he’d said. Teal had to know what had happened between him and Cyan.
“So, when we shift, we undress, since we don’t want to ruin our clothes unless we absolutely have to. This one time, Cyan shifted, and I hid his clothes. I could hear him screaming abuse at me, but I was up a tree, giggling my ass off. Eventually, when he realized no one was coming, he stomped off through the trees, right into a group of old ladies on a nature walk. He screamed. Like really screamed while these little old dears were fucking giggling away, loving every minute.”
What He Needs (Salutem Book 1) Page 6