There Are No Men

by Carol Maloney Scott

  “I know I’m just a young guy who doesn’t know anything, but I think you should talk to Brandon. If he really cares about you, you can fix it.”

  “No, I can’t. He’s still too young for me and I still can’t have children. Nathan being a lying slime ball doesn’t change any of that.”

  “I know you would punch me for saying this, but being a mother isn’t the only reason for a woman to live, Claire. You’re a woman first. And you assumed the best about Nathan and got the worst, right?”

  “Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”

  “Maybe you expect the worst from Brandon and you’ll end up getting the best.”

  “I don’t know why I haven’t come to you for advice sooner. You’re like a wise old sage.”

  “Nobody sees my sensitive side.” I can envision his beautiful smirking face through the phone. “And maybe while you’re over there you can get me a date with his sister, but right now I have to run. I need to figure out how to handle the Bella Donna sex scandal. Peter can’t get away with allowing Cecilia access to employee e-mails. But I guess a sex scandal goes along with our new company image, now that our first erotica release is in bookstores.”

  “Justin, you’re impossible. Our image is changing all the time. Brandon is starting a new book. Maybe I should suggest he write about a misguided thirty-something, divorced woman who falls for the cute guy across the street, but is crippled by fear and doubt. Hey, that sounds pretty good.”

  Justin laughs and starts to say goodbye.

  “Hey, Justin?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Stop reading everyone’s e-mail. I am going to have to report you to HR.”

  “Claire, there’s no—”

  “Expectation of privacy on the company network. Got it. Bye.”

  I hang up and lay down on the couch, holding my head. Cecilia and Nathan. I never saw that coming. He’s so old for her. I need you to come with me to a medical conference in June. She’s a nice girl. Spoke highly of you. My parents will love you. What do you think about going to Miami in the fall? My Aunt Dolores lived with us. She was the only bright spot in my family. There was one friend, Janice, who was very interested in me, if you understand my meaning. Obviously some bad things happened to Nathan, and he’s unstable, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.

  Now I hear another voice in my head. Handsome, smart Justin. Being a mother isn’t the only reason for a woman to live, Claire. You’re a woman first. Maybe… you will end up getting the best.

  I jump up and run upstairs to shower, since I look and feel disgusting. I dry my hair and throw on some minimal makeup in record time, and find a pair of clean pink shorts and a cute tank top. I want to look pretty, but not like I’m trying too hard. This is going to be the last time I go over to apologize to Brandon, no matter what the outcome.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  It’s too bad stress raises, rather than lowers, cholesterol. It seems like this much cardiac activity would have to be a good workout. I am standing on Brandon’s porch, waiting to see his face, and hoping I will get the best.

  “What’s wrong now?” Brandon leans in the door frame and swigs a beer, narrowing his eyes.

  I’m about to say something about him drinking this early in the evening, but then I realize it’s dinner time and who am I to talk?

  “Nothing is wrong, Brandon. Listen, I know I come over here to apologize all the time, and then we fight, but I don’t want to fight. You were right about everything—Nathan is an asshole and I’m a fool and—”

  Brandon takes a step forward and pulls me into the house, resting his beer on the hall table, kicking the door shut. He holds my hands up over my head and kisses me like I don’t ever remember being kissed before.

  “But wait—” I break our embrace and try to say more.

  “No more talking.” He goes back to kissing me.

  “But really Brandon, nothing has changed. I still can’t—”

  “I love you.” He holds my chin and stares directly into my eyes until I don’t see anything but two brilliant blue orbs. “Does that change anything?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Claire, I do want children. I want to adopt a family. Not every woman will accept that, and if she can have her own kids, I would understand why. But you want to be a mother so badly, and I know you can be. You’re just afraid.”

  “So that’s why you said…never mind.” It’s all clear now. I have my own opinions but you and Cassie should do things your way. Who doesn’t want to be a dad, right?

  “Why I said what?” He tilts his head and gazes down at me suspiciously.

  “I sort of overheard you talking to Jon about his wife’s pregnancy, but I guess I didn’t hear all of it. I was so confused. And drunk. It seemed like you wanted kids, but then you didn’t want to get anyone pregnant, which made no sense. I figured you were just pro-adoption because you’re adopted. It never dawned on me that you would want to adopt. I thought you were just saying I should do it out of pity.”

  “Claire,” he wraps me up in his strong arms and says, “You know—I’ve overheard some things, too. Would you like to take your best shot?” He pulls up his shirt, displaying a perfect stomach and chest, and for a second I’m distracted from his meaning.

  “I didn’t mean that—I was drunk and Bianca was—”

  He can’t stop laughing. “Claire, you’re the little whack-job. Dixie only takes after her mother.” I give him a mock look of anger and he continues, “Adoption works for many couples. It could work for us, if we end up together. All I’m asking is to give me a chance and throw all of your fears and assumptions out the window. What have they ever done for you?”

  “Not one damn thing.” A mischievous grin forms on my face. “And you are a sexy hunk of man—I was just trying to pretend otherwise.”

  “Yeah, I’ll show you how strong I am.” He scoops me up and tosses me over his shoulder. I start beating him with my pathetic little fists.

  “Hey, before I carry you upstairs in caveman-like fashion, maybe you should go get that blue bathrobe.” I turn to face him with a quizzical expression. “I have a little fantasy to finish.”

  I start punching him again and he puts me down delicately.

  “I love you too, Brandon.” I look down and once again he lifts up my chin.

  “Let’s go upstairs, my little whack-job.”

  He carries me upstairs to begin a new chapter. No matter what the future holds for us, I am fairly certain I will not have to worry about meeting any more old men in worse hats.

  THE END

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Sending this book out into the world is the culmination of a lifelong dream.

  It has been a long journey from my childhood ‘scribblings’ to my name in print, and there are many people who have helped me on this road. I hope I am thorough in remembering all of them. My gratitude is vast and deep.

  Where to start… my amazing writer friends! When I decided to pick up the pen, I reached out into the world of aspiring writers and found the most supportive group. The Featherstone Writers welcomed me from day one and made me feel that my voice was relevant and inspired me to do my best work. Thanks and love to Ruth Perkinson, Julie Harthill Clayton, Diane Rhone, Beth Brown and Margaret Duke for their kindness and encouragement. You are all wonderful writers and amazing women.

  Special thanks to Elle Lothlorien and Isobel Irons of the Book Escorts. Elle’s guidance and experience, coupled with Isobel’s marketing genius, have brought my brand, “Rom-Com on the Edge”, to fruition. Both Elle and Isobel are tireless in answering e-mail after e-mail with all sorts of neurotic and often silly questions. They are also funny chicks with razor sharp wit, and I love that.

  Through Elle I met my editor, Garrett Cook. As an aspiring romantic comedy writer, I was a bit concerned that a Bizarro fiction expert may not be the ideal editor for my first novel. Boy, was I wrong! Garrett’s open minded nature and varied experiences made him m
y perfect partner. His editing clearly brought my story to the next level and inspired me to keep going. Plus, he is hilarious and a very cool dude.

  The beta readers! What a group of smart, savvy women – Betsy Flynn, Victoria Ficco, Sara Moody, Katrina Lakey, Lin Rasmussen, Jessica Hughes, Katrina Danon, and CJ Jackson. I can’t thank you all enough. When I asked people to read my story and give me feedback I never expected pages of detailed notes and suggestions that would make the book even stronger and sharper. Your dedication to my work is touching and I will never forget how good it felt to receive all of your praise as well as your knocks upside the head when something didn’t make sense. Well done, ladies. Well done.

  Special thanks to all of my social media friends! Without all the Facebook likes and blog followers I would never be able to spread the word so fast! I truly appreciate each and every one of you. For me, my characters are as alive as all of you in my head. It is my sincere hope that they will jump off the page and come alive for you too, as you connect with their stories.

  Just when I thought everything was perfect my expert proofreader, Julie Harthill Clayton, took out her red pen. Her final editing job caught all the pesky style and grammar details that I despise, and sprinkled even more goodness into my manuscript. The perfect ending to an amazing process.

  There are others who inspired and helped me, including writer/motivational speaker Maryann Makekau. Like me, she started her writing career a little later in life, but she does so with tenacity and grace. I appreciate her sharing her story of success with me, and offering support and encouragement.

  Of course my true inspiration is at home. The character of Dixie is based on my sweet little Daisy. Without her antics and never ending puppy love and devotion I never could have dreamed up such a sweet and funny companion for Claire. There has not been one day in the past five years that Daisy has not made me smile and thank God for the unconditional love of animals.

  Humor was always important in my family and I come from a long line of funny people. My parents, Ed and Carol Maloney, and my sister, Jennifer Maloney, know what I’m talking about. They have instilled in me a love of laughter and life, and have supported me in all of my endeavors. They are also master storytellers, and our family ‘performances’ of things that have happened to us will continue to find their way into my writing.

  Speaking of performances, no one makes me laugh harder than my son, Nick Rissmeyer. He is most often recognized for his artistic talent, and he is the creator of the fabulous cover design for “There Are No Men.” But anyone who knows Nick well knows that his talent for storytelling and observing the world around him is unbelievable. He makes me laugh so much that I routinely spit food and drink, and I have almost choked to death on more than one occasion. He has been a constant source of pride as well as support. I love you, Nick!

  I have always wanted a little girl to complete the perfect family. My step-daughter to be, Jaime Scott, has been an unexpected blessing and addition to my life. She has been interested in my writing, and I have enjoyed sharing it with her. She’s a smart girl with a very bright future, and I am proud to be a part of her life.

  Jim Scott came into my life when I was almost ready to give up on love. Not a good thing for an aspiring romance writer. With his gentle encouragement and strong belief in me, he formed a stable base from which to launch my dream. He makes me laugh, and he has renewed my faith in love and second chances. His endless patience with my frequent anxiety over this very big project has been the rock upon which my work rests. I know that with him by my side for the rest of my life I will always have the strength and confidence to push forward. There are as many books in me as there will be years with Jim.

  Here’s to many, many of both.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  My name is Carol, and I’m addicted to Romance.

  I grew up in the Hudson Valley area of New York, surrounded by “city folk,” like my Manhattanite mom and Bronx-native Dad, who taught me to be sweet on the outside, yet tough on the inside.

  As a result, I’m often gifted sassy labels like “firecracker” or “feisty,” which I choose to take as a compliment, due to my Irish/Eastern European heritage.

  My romantic history is as real (and complicated) as that of the heroines in my novels. I’ve been divorced, relocated, plunged fearlessly into the turbulent waters of online dating—only to retreat, yelping, at the occasionally shocking climate before bravely renewing my efforts—until finally, I grabbed hold of happiness and refused to let go.

  While I did eventually find my “HEA” in the form of a real life relationship, I also fell in love with writing, and it’s a romance I can’t get enough of.

  That’s why I can’t help chasing after that thrill of first love, of never-ending passion, of self-discovery, of romance—even if that chase leads me to (and sometimes over) the edge.

  WALK THE EDGE OF ROM-COM...ONLINE

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  Book Club Questions – THERE ARE NO MEN

  SPOILER ALERT!

  Please use these questions as a guide to lead a lively and thought provoking, as well as hilarious, conversation with your groups. I wish I could be there for every meeting!

  Claire is struggling in an unfamiliar world. Can you think of a time when you were thrust into a new life situation? How did you cope?

  Claire tries online dating, then meetup, to try to find a man. However, she ends up with the proverbial “boy next door”. In this world of online dating, singles groups and social media is it still possible to meet someone in the “real” world? Has technology made it harder or easier?

  Discuss the symbolism of Claire’s dog, Dixie? What is her purpose in the story? If you have pets, what is their deeper meaning in your life?

  What is the funniest scene/line in the book? Why?

  Which guy were you rooting for? Was there anyone you thought might be “the one” or play a bigger role?

  How would you have handled Nathan? Before you answer, think about a time when you were as confused and fearful as Claire. What part does fear play in our dating lives?

  Motherhood is a big issue for many women. Has your fertility/infertility or biological clock played a role in your relationships with men? How has that positively or negatively affected your search for love?

  Which character/situation do you think contributed the most to Claire’s growth?

  Everyone loves a happy ending. Can you see any potential pitfalls down the road for Claire and Brandon?

  Let’s all share one dating disaster story. Has anyone had an old man’s hair fall off, a chanting guy in a leather thong? Ever throw up in your date’s shoe?

  I think most would agree that Nathan is somewhere between a jerk and an evil sicko. Do you see any redeeming qualities? Any understanding for how he came to be the way he is? How might he change through his experiences?

  Alcohol can be used to mask pain or cope with life, in a very unhealthy way. Have you ever resorted to self-medication? Do you think Claire has a drinking problem?

  Claire has a tense relationship with her mother and seemingly nice one with her sister. How could Claire better manage these relationships? Is she missing out on the support of family? Do you lean on your female family members or your girlfriends more?

  Is Ron really a bad guy? Have you ever judged an ex very harshly, only
to realize that your behavior played a larger role in the demise of the relationship?

  Who is your favorite character?

  Who is your least favorite character? Besides Nathan?

  How about the minor characters? Anyone stand out?

  Would you like to see a sequel? If so, another Claire & Brandon story? A tale featuring another character?

  Claire is very naïve when it comes to sex. How does that affect her choices? As you have matured, how has your own sexual experience level changed your dating choices?

  Did you like the ending? Imagine an alternate ending that also would have satisfied you.

  SNEAK PREVIEW - COMING July 2015!

  Read Chapter One of the heart-warming and hilarious new novel by Carol Maloney Scott. Available on Amazon.com July 2015!

  Forty something, self-proclaimed cougar, Rebecca is committed only to her cats and her career. Her veteran single girl lifestyle has been peaceful and happy – that is until she started dating age-appropriate Steve, an entomology professor with a sweet smile and demeanor to match. Who knew an insect scientist could be so appealing?

  The problem? Steve is a widower with baggage to spare. Memories of his late wife fill his home. Smiling photos and jars of bugs serve as constant reminders of Steve’s continued attachment to his dearly departed wife, Noreen, who shared his passion for creepy crawlies!

  Now that Rebecca is facing her commitment phobia by moving in with Steve, she is becoming more unhinged. Behaving more like her zany friends than her level-headed self, she burns her butt at the tanning salon, crashes on energy drinks, and even loses a hamster. Throw into the mix a few delusional relatives, a sarcastic teenager, and a fluffy dog who sheds a new dog every day, and Rebecca doesn’t recognize her old self.

  And if that isn’t enough to push her over the edge, her smokin’ hot ex returns, reminding her of a simpler time with a man who carries no more baggage than a wallet.