A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “Mm…do I have to answer that?”

  Zach pointed at him. “Yes, you do.”

  “We’ve danced a time or two.”

  Zach grinned. “And?”

  “And it feels…sensual. You know, her body close to mine. It’s tempting.”

  Zach stuck his right foot into the stirrup and hoisted himself onto the horse. Elam noticed that over the years, his cousin had adapted more and more to the use of his prosthetic leg. So much so, that Elam sometimes forgot he even had it. But it was times like this that he noticed and sent up an extra prayer for his cousin. It was one thing to watch someone with a disability, but it was an entirely different thing to be the one with the disability. For someone who was whole, he couldn’t imagine walking in Zach’s shoes even for one day.

  Zach pulled him from his musing. “I could see where that could cause problems. Does she dance this way with others too?”

  He shook his head and mounted his horse as well. “She teaches couples, who dance with each other.”

  “Elam, are you telling me this because you’re attracted to her? Because you want to be with her?” Zach frowned.

  “Ach, I’ve definitely thought of it. But we wouldn’t unless we were married.” Elam shrugged. “It’s just making me think a lot more about marriage.”

  “Marriage is about a lot more than just the physical part. You haven’t even known Megan long enough to be considering marriage, in my opinion. It’s too soon, Elam.”

  “I realize that. I’m not planning to propose to her tomorrow or anything, okay?” He tried keeping the frustration out of his voice. “I’m sorry.”

  Zach nodded, then wisely changed the subject. “Have you gone back home recently?”

  “No.” Elam shook his head. “After I found out about Julie…it was too much.”

  “How did she die? You never told me.” Zach made a clicking sound to encourage his horse to trot a little faster.

  “I’m not exactly sure.”

  “I find it odd that no one told you about her death sooner. Don’t you?”

  “It’s not like I’ve really been in contact with anyone. And we don’t talk about too much when I’m with my folks.”

  “I know, but you know how the Amish grapevine is. You think someone would have gotten word to you. She was your aldi at one time. If for nothing else, to get you to go back home.”

  Elam shrugged and sighed. “Why are we talking about this again?”

  “Have you fully made peace with your past, Elam? Because if you’re serious about moving on with Megan, I think it’s essential.”

  “I do have a lot of unanswered questions, but I don’t know if I’ll ever find those answers.”

  “I think you should try. You need full closure before you can truly move forward. That’s my two cents, I’ll send you my bill.” Zach laughed, lightening the moment.

  Zach was right, Elam realized. He did need those answers. But the question was, how did he go about getting them?

  ~

  As difficult as it was, Elam turned into the lane of his folks’ property. He loathed the fact that his parents were required to have limited contact with him due to his shunning. It was just one item on his list of things he wished he could change about the Amish culture.

  He knew there were some Amish districts where family was allowed to have full contact with their loved ones, Amish or no, but theirs was not one of them. For this reason, he’d mostly stayed away from his family. He understood that they chose to live this way, and he respected that they didn’t wish to be at odds with the leaders, lest they themselves be put in the Bann as well.

  He knew his family loved him, and he loved them, but he didn’t love the manmade rules they’d been forced to live under. Many times, he’d felt like it was an emotional manipulation tactic used to control those in the church, but he was at a loss as to what to do about it.

  He’d only been back a handful of times because of this, and he’d questioned many times whether he had done the right thing in leaving. However, staying Amish would have meant keeping his faith in Christ to himself and that was something that went against the Scriptural mandate of going into all the world to preach the Gospel. We ought to obey God rather than men. So, essentially, he could have remained Amish and been shunned for speaking the truth in love, or he could leave the bonds of the church and worship God in freedom.

  But what about his family? What about his Amish friends? They needed the truth as much as he had. How could he not share this with them?

  Like Julianna. That was something he was sure he’d regret for as long as he lived, perhaps for all eternity.

  It wasn’t that he hadn’t shared Jesus with his family. He had. But each time he brought up the subject he’d been shut down. They’d been taught that to be ‘saved’ was an Englisch doctrine. But he now knew that wasn’t true. As a matter of fact, it came directly from the Bible.

  Any time he thought of the voluminous verses on the subject, it baffled him that the Amish ministers chose to ignore them. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. For by grace ye are saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not of works lest any man should boast. For there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved.

  What further baffled him was how they equated that to believe those verses, one must be engulfed in the sin of pride. If anything, the opposite was true. The Bible clearly stated that salvation was a gift of God. How, then, could it possibly be prideful? And weren’t we encouraged to boast in the Lord? It seemed to him that what would be boastful was to think that your Amish group was better than the others because of your buggy style or your style of dress or one of the many other things his former community believed brought them closer to God or made them less worldly.

  With these thoughts, he sighed and stepped out of his vehicle. Today, no matter how painful it might be, he was here to find answers about Julianna.

  ~

  Elam now sat on the porch of his folks’ place, sipping the iced tea his mother had placed on the table beside him. It irked him that they still weren’t allowed to invite him inside the house, but he would take what he could get. At least they still talked to him.

  “Someone continues to send us money in the mail every month.” One side of his father’s mouth lifted. “It wonders me who keeps sending it.”

  “Must be from Der Herr, jah?” Elam figured his parents knew the money was sent from him, but he wouldn’t acknowledge it. If he did, his folks would probably be required to send it back to him. So he chose to stay anonymous. “How are you and Mamm getting by?”

  “As gut as can be expected, I reckon. And you?” His father had never been one to complain.

  “I’m doing well.” Elam smiled.

  “Do you have an aldi?”

  His gaze moved to his younger sister, pondering her question. She’d grown up so much since he’d left. Just barely a teen when her brother had jumped the fence, now she was no doubt attending singings and possibly being courted by a young Amish man. Her eyes sparkled with the expectancy of youth.

  Elam smiled. “I do. Her name is Megan. She goes to my church.”

  “Will you marry her?”

  He loved the straightforwardness of his Amish culture. If something needed to be said, it was. No worrying about offending another person because they didn’t get offended easily. Not like some of the Englisch with whom he had to watch his p’s and q’s. That was one reason he enjoyed spending time with his cousin Zach.

  His brow shot up. “I might, but not too soon. We haven’t even been dating that long.”

  “What’s she like?”

  He shrugged. “She’s really nice. Y’all would like her. She likes to dance and cook.”

  His sister’s eyes went large. “Do you dance?”

  “I do.” He nodded. “Although I’m not very good at it. But Megan’s great.”

  “That’s sinful.” His mother frowned. “Yo
u shouldn’t be talking of such things with your sister here.”

  “Mamm, two people aren’t any closer when they’re dancing than they are when courting.” He reminded his mother of their Amish courting customs, which included a quiet evening alone with your significant other, many times with a young woman sitting on the young man’s lap. The Englisch didn’t have a corner on temptation. No, it dwelt in every culture—in every heart.

  “How is work?” His father asked, obviously wanting to change the subject.

  “Work’s great. I’m staying busy.”

  “I see you bought yourself a truck.”

  “I did. Do you like it? I could take you for a ride.”

  “You know that is not our way.” His father frowned, but Elam knew that he would love to if it didn’t carry any negative consequences.

  Elam sighed, then a sly grin crept up his mouth. “You could always duck when we pass by any Amish.” He chuckled.

  To his surprise, his father did too. “It is tempting.”

  “Henry!” his mother chided.

  “He was joking, Mamm.”

  “You shouldn’t joke about such things. We don’t need any more trouble with the leaders.”

  Elam’s brow shot up and his eyes moved to his father. “More trouble? Has Bishop Hershberger been giving you grief? What for?”

  “Nee, Elam. It is not your concern.” His father frowned at his mother. Apparently, they weren’t willing to share this with him.

  “They’re thinking Danny will follow in your footsteps.” His sister volunteered, much to their parents’ chagrin.

  “Where is he?” He knew the pressure families faced when one of their own jumped the fence, and he regretted that his actions probably caused them much sorrow. But he never dreamed his brother would become Englisch too.

  “Out with his friends.”

  That figured. That was where he would have been at his brother’s age.

  He tried to find a way to turn the conversation around. “How’s everyone else doing?”

  “Same, pretty much. Everyone’s just living their lives. Lots of babies born lately. Marlin’s John’s Rachel and Jerry’s Clara both had girls. Then Fancy Jake’s Fannie had twins, two boys.” His mother seemed happy to share that bit of information with him.

  “How’s Julianna Yoder’s family?”

  “Doing fine, far as I know. Saw Elnora at a quilting last week.” His mother nodded.

  “Can you tell me about Julianna? How did she pass away?”

  Did he notice a peculiar look pass between his father and mother? “That story is not ours to tell. You’ll need to talk to her family.”

  That wasn’t likely to happen any time soon. The wounds of humiliation had cut deep and approaching her father after he’d flat out cut him off from his daughter was not something he was willing to do in this lifetime. For this reason, he decided to give up on his quest to find answers about Julianna’s death.

  Just knowing she was gone was enough emotional turmoil to deal with.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Elam pulled the truck into his driveway and immediately noticed someone near his front door. From where he sat, the person appeared to be a stranger. He stepped out of the pickup and hesitantly walked toward his front door.

  “May I help you?”

  The stranger spun around. “Elam?” A huge grin spread across his face. “It’s me, Danny. Your brother.”

  Elam stepped forward and engulfed his younger brother in a bear hug.

  “You’re so big.” The comment was an understatement, seeing his young brother towered over him by about six inches. “Sheesh! How tall are you?”

  He shrugged. “Six-four, I think.”

  “Man, I don’t know if I would have recognized you, had you not said anything. What have you been eating, anyway?” Elam laughed.

  “Just Mamm’s cooking.”

  “What are you doing here? How’d you find me?”

  “I used the internet at the library.”

  “I see.” Elam unlocked the door and turned the handle. Normally, he would have entered through the side door that led through the garage. “Want to come inside?”

  “Thought you’d never ask.” Danny followed him inside. “This looks like a decent place.”

  Elam chuckled. “Thanks. I think.”

  “How many rooms does it have?”

  “It’s a two-bedroom, one-bath. Just over a thousand square feet.”

  “It’s tiny compared to Daed’s place.”

  Elam shrugged. “Well, it’s just me. I don’t need much.”

  “Any land?”

  “Just a small backyard.” He moved to the back door. “Which reminds me.” He opened the door and found Scramble wagging his tale.

  “Is that your dog?”

  “Yep. Danny, this is Scramble. Scramble meet Danny.”

  His brother crouched down and offered Scramble a handshake. “Shake, buddy?”

  The dog lifted his paw.

  “Good boy.”

  Scramble whined and cocked his head at Elam.

  “I’ll get your food in just a minute, Scram.” He opened up a large trash can he kept on the back patio and scooped up some dog food and placed it in Scramble’s dish. “You’re going to have to wait for your walk, though.”

  Elam closed the door and turned to Danny. “Would you like a drink?”

  Danny’s brow shot up. “Beer?”

  “No. Not in this house. Tea, soda, or water?”

  Danny sighed. “Soda, it is. Got root beer?”

  “That kind of beer, I do have.” He chuckled. “Why don’t you take a seat?”

  Danny plopped down onto the couch, a futon that he sometimes used for snoozing when he returned home from work dog tired.

  Elam handed his brother a bottle of root beer and swallowed a drink of his own. “So, what have you been up to, little brother?”

  “Working. Getting into trouble.”

  “That’s not good. The trouble part. Working is good. Where are you working at?”

  “The Stolzfoos Ranch.”

  Elam frowned at the mention of his former rival’s surname. “Really? They pay you well?”

  Danny shrugged. “Fair enough, I guess. Anyway, that’s where I found the trouble too.”

  “Oh, no. What did you do?”

  “I started courting Tabitha Stolzfoos.” Danny grimaced. “We think she might be in the family way.”

  “Oh, no. You didn’t…” Elam sighed. “Jah, I’d say that’s pretty big trouble. What are you going to do about it? Do Mamm and Daed know?”

  Danny shook his head. “We’re not even sure yet. But we’re thinking of leaving the Amish.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re asking me why? I thought of all people, you would understand.”

  “I do. But if Tabitha is pregnant, you’re going to need the support of the Amish community. You don’t want to have a boppli out in the Englisch world. It’s hard enough just making it as a single man with no family support. But having a family and doing it? I don’t think it’s a wise idea.”

  “I don’t know how much support we’d get.”

  “I doubt Tabitha’s family is going to abandon her.” He thought about Tabitha Stolzfoos. She couldn’t be more than sixteen or seventeen.

  “We’re scared to tell our folks. Neither one of us is baptized yet.”

  “And rightfully so. Confessing our sins is never easy. But it’s the right thing to do.”

  Danny took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re probably right.”

  Elam clasped his brother’s shoulder. “I have confidence in you. You can do this. A man will admit to his mistakes, learn from them, and move on.”

  “Thanks, Elam. I knew you would help me make sense of things.”

  Elam couldn’t fathom being in his brother’s predicament—not even eighteen yet and possibly becoming a father? Deep regret settled in his heart, just knowing the turmoil it would bring his folks. “I’m glad you confided
in me. Keep me updated, will ya?”

  “Jah.”

  Elam eyed his empty bottle. “If you’re done with your root beer, I’ll challenge you to a game of basketball. There’s a school across the street, and Scramble would welcome a walk.”

  Danny handed him his bottle and grinned. “You’re on. But first, I want to see what’s in your garage.”

  He found his brother’s request amusing. “My garage?” Did his brother want to work out on his home gym?

  “I’ve heard rumors.”

  “Rumors? What kind of rumors?”

  “Oh, ones involving two wheels and a lot of speed.”

  Elam laughed. “So, you want to see my motorcycle?”

  “See it, drool over it, ride it.” Danny smiled.

  “You know how to ride?”

  “I’m a fast learner.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “It’s important to guard your heart against temptation.” Mike’s words were timely.

  Elam briefly glanced in Megan’s direction and nodded in agreement with the leader’s statement. He thought of the last time they’d been together, dancing. It had taken a lot of self- control not to do the things he’d wanted to.

  “What do you think, Elam?”

  Elam’s eyes widened. Oh, shoot, what were they talking about? Temptation? “About?”

  “Bowling in a few of weeks.” Chase raised a brow.

  “Oh, yeah, that sounds great.” He forced a smile.

  Chase laughed. “It sounds like someone was off in la la land. That seems to happen a lot lately.”

  Megan headed toward them and his eyes locked with hers. “Mm-hm.”

  “Ah, I see.” Chase chuckled and it broke Elam’s concentration. His friend patted him on the back. “Go get her, buddy.”

  “Yeah.” Was all Elam could come up with.

  “Hi, guys.” Megan’s smile could light up the whole room, it seemed. “You ready, Elam?”

  He nodded. “Let’s go.”

  “Hey, I’ll see you two at church tomorrow.” Chase’s voice echoed behind them as they neared the door.

  “Yep, see ya.” Elam stepped out with his girl at his side. He turned to her. “Did we have plans for tonight?”