A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “Do you know her brother?”

  “Mark Yoder? Jah.”

  “Could you fish around? See if you can get some answers?”

  “I’ll try. I can ask Tabitha if she’s heard anything too.”

  “Oh, good. Denki, Danny.” Elam nodded although no one saw him. “By the way, how did your confrontation go?

  “Mamm cried when she found out. Tabitha and I are getting married next month. Daed insisted.”

  “That’s gut. Where will you live?”

  “With her folks until I can earn enough money to get us a place of our own.”

  “I have no doubt you can make it work.”

  “Denki, Elam.”

  “Call me when you get any information, okay?”

  “You got it.” The phone clicked off. Amish never were much for long goodbyes.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Elam pushed the bar from his chest for the fiftieth time, if he’d counted right, knowing he could easily add more weight to it if Zach were here to spot for him. But he didn’t feel like having company right now. He needed this peaceful and quiet activity to try to sort out his thoughts.

  His mind kept going back to Julianna, just sitting there in the wheelchair. Did she ever get any exercise? Surely the workers at the psychiatric hospital knew how important it was for their patients to get proper exercise and fresh air and sunshine.

  He still couldn’t get over how different she looked. If he hadn’t been told and hadn’t gotten close enough, he wouldn’t even have recognized her. She’d changed so much—seemingly in every way. She appeared to be melancholy, or almost in a daze even. He’d been startled to see her in such a state.

  Although she looked different on the outside, he knew that she had to be the same person on the inside. Perhaps she was buried in loneliness from being in that place. Perhaps it was the medications they had her on that hid her inner person.

  He wished he knew how she felt. He wished that she could express it so he could know how to help her. He’d asked her if she wanted him to try to get her released and she’d responded positively. Did she fully understand what he was asking? Now, he wondered if it had been wise to utter those words. What if he failed? What if he wasn’t able to rescue her? What if he’d given her false hope and only caused her condition to worsen?

  He slid his ankles under the leg bar and completed his usual exercise routine. After he finished, he planned to take Scramble over to the school and run a few miles on the track, before returning for a shower.

  His phone buzzed and he answered right away. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Elam.”

  He blew out a breath and smiled. “Megan. It’s good to hear your voice.”

  “Yours too.” There was a short period of silence. “Uh, are you still planning on picking me up?”

  “Picking you…” Oh, shoot. Do I have a date scheduled with Megan? He stared at his phone, but the time didn’t show. “What time is it?”

  “A quarter till. We’re supposed to go bowling with the singles class tonight, remember?”

  He frowned. No, he didn’t remember. “A quarter till what?”

  “Six.”

  “Six?” How on earth had the last two hours just slipped away? He’d been so preoccupied with thoughts of Julie, the outing with his singles class totally slipped his mind. He sighed. “Megan, I’m not even close to being ready. I just finished my workout and planned to take Scramble out for a run. Would you be terribly disappointed if I bailed on you?”

  Silence reigned for a few seconds. “No, I guess not.” He heard the disappointment in her voice.

  “Sorry.”

  “No, it’s okay. Elam, is everything all right?”

  “Yep. Everything’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow morning at church, okay?”

  “Okay. Goodbye.”

  Elam blew out an extended breath and tucked his phone into the pocket of his shorts. As much as he hated to disappoint Megan, he looked forward to a quiet evening alone. He had a few things he needed to figure out.

  He opened the back door and clipped Scramble’s leash to his collar. “Come on, boy. Let’s go for a jog.”

  ~

  Elam stared at his busted up motorcycle and wondered if it was even salvageable. A tow truck had dropped it off just a few minutes ago. It now stood in his garage as a monument to his foolishness. Why had he agreed to let his brother borrow it? What if it had been his brother that had died?

  Yep, he would need to get rid of it. The sooner, the better.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  “Elam? It’s about time you showed up. It’s been, what, two weeks since you last visited?”

  Elam stared at Zach. “I know. But I’ve been so busy, the time has flown by.”

  Rosanna stepped into the room with snacks in hand, two whoopie pies for each of them and mugs of steaming black coffee. This was one thing he loved about his Amish roots. One could show up at any time and most folks would stop what they were doing to wait on you, welcome you, and sit and visit with you—as though you were the most important thing in the world at the moment.

  Zach pointed at him. “You’ve been keeping secrets. I can tell.”

  “You can?”

  “Yes. Spill it.” Zach laced his fingers together and cracked his knuckles.

  “I went to see Julianna.” Elam sipped his coffee.

  “You said she was in some mental hospital, right?”

  Elam nodded. “Yeah, she is.”

  “And?”

  “And, I’m not sure exactly what to do.”

  “About?” Zach bit into his whoopie pie.

  “I hate seeing her there, Zach. I want to get her out.”

  “Why is she there?”

  “I’m not exactly sure, but the ‘official’ diagnosis from the hospital states ‘clinical depression.’ I’d be depressed if I had to be there too.”

  Zach nodded. “I can certainly relate to that. I went through a lot of depression, guilt, and self-pity after returning from Afghanistan. I still feel bouts of it at times.”

  “So what helped you break free of that?”

  “Number one—I got saved. That was monumental in helping me overcome it. But having Rosanna and Frank and Betty are a real blessing. And my little ones. It’s difficult to be sad when I look at all the blessings I still do have. I’m surrounded by God’s goodness every day.”

  Elam frowned. What blessings did Julie have that she could see? It seemed a place like that would only make her feel worse—especially since she was Amish and used to having family and community all around her.

  “I have to get her out of there, Zach.”

  “And how do you plan to do that?”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. Got any ideas?”

  “Not particularly. But, if it helps, Rosanna and I could go visit her.”

  Elam shook his head. “You have to be on the visitors list. Her father and the bishop are the ones who control it, so that’s pretty much out of the question.”

  “How’d you see her, then?”

  Elam’s face brightened. “That was a miracle in itself. God got me in. I prayed, and He made a way. I ran into an old friend that I’d taken criminal justice classes with when I was in college. Apparently, he works at the hospital from time to time. He used his privileges to get me in and put me on the list.”

  “Wow. It’s sounds as though you don’t need my help. Why don’t you pray and ask God to show you what to do?”

  “That’s a good idea. But any advice you might have wouldn’t hurt either.”

  “I don’t know if I have any. But I am curious what will happen to her once she leaves. Will she have the support she needs? Is there someone in the community who will help her get back on her feet? Would she return to her folks’ place? If they did indeed send her away because of depression, what is going to keep her from slipping back into that pit? You do realize that depression can easily lead to suicide, right? These are all questions you’ll need t
he answers to.”

  Elam blew out a noisy breath. “I hadn’t considered those things.”

  “Those things will need to be determined before she is released. Maybe she’s in an institution because it’s the safest place for her. Have you considered that?”

  “I can’t imagine that would be true. She was so…normal before.”

  Zach shrugged. “People change.”

  Elam thought back to the Julianna he’d known in the past compared to the one that now sat in a psychiatric institution. Yep, she’d definitely changed.

  ~

  Danny’s voice crackled on the other end of the line. “I found out some information. I’m not sure if it’s anything you can use though.”

  “What did you find out, Danny?”

  “Well, I talked to Tabitha, who talked to her sister Joanna, who’s gut friends with Julianna’s cousin Martha, who talks to Julianna’s sister.”

  Elam squeezed his eyes closed and tried to make the connection in his mind. “Okay, Martha.”

  “Well, Julianna’s sister Naomi told Martha, who told Joanna, who told Tabitha, who told me that shortly after Cletus Stolzfoos stopped courting Julianna, she quit attending singings and just stayed home.”

  “And?”

  “That’s all I found out.”

  “Oh.” His bubble of excitement burst. “Why did she stop going to singings?”

  “It seems like she did ride home with a couple of other boys, but it didn’t seem to work out.” He paused. “I heard tell that maybe she had a reputation.”

  “What?”

  “You know.”

  “No, I don’t know. If it’s what I’m thinking, Julianna was not like that.”

  “Maybe just not with you.”

  Elam felt like he might have steam blowing out of his ears. He clenched his hands at his sides. It was a good thing he was using the speaker phone, otherwise his cell might be crushed.

  “I don’t know, brother. That’s just what I heard.”

  Elam took a calming breath. “Anything else you can think of?”

  “Um, now that you mention it, I think she may have mentioned something about jumping the fence.”

  Elam scratched his head. “Who? Me?”

  “No, Julianna talked about it to her sister Naomi or maybe her cousin.”

  “And?”

  “Seems she never did. Just talked about it is all.”

  Elam heard giggling come through the other line. “Danny? You still there?”

  “Jah, I’m here. I should probably go though. Seems Tabitha might want a buss.”

  Elam clicked off the phone, but not before hearing a gasp of mock exasperation. He shook his head but smiled, partially envying his brother.

  He remembered a time in the not-so-distant past when he and Julianna would sneak out and meet at the phone shanty to share a secret kiss or two. So much had changed since that time in their lives. Some things were better, like his introduction to Christ. But other things were far worse.

  Hopefully, those things would be changing soon.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Each time Elam visited with Julianna, his heart ached. He couldn’t keep doing this. At least not without trying to get her released. He still had no clue how to make that possible.

  Many times, he’d entertained thoughts of contacting the bishop or Julianna’s father. And each time he reminded himself that he was an outsider—and possibly a threat to their lifestyle. Why would they listen to him? They wouldn’t, not unless he had a plan in place that would benefit Julianna, her family, and the community.

  He sighed, and prayed again. He’d just read a passage in the Bible about not planning what to say beforehand, but letting God put the words in your mouth. He knew that this would be taking the verse out of context, but he did desire to rescue Julianna and see her saved. And he was all out of ideas on how to make it work. But God had helped him before and Elam was confident that He would now.

  He prayed once again for the boldness he needed.

  ~

  Elam leaned forward in the chair and locked eyes with Bishop Hershberger. “I’d like to ask permission to release Julianna Yoder from the institution.”

  “You have had contact with her?” The bishop frowned.

  “Uh, limited contact, yes.”

  “Does she appear to have recovered from her illness?”

  “Illness? But I thought…” What did he think? He knew Julie had been sent away, but he was unaware of what exactly the reasoning was, as far as the elders were concerned. Was he referring to her depression?

  “Her obstinate ways. Is she willing to forsake them?” The bishop clarified.

  This was not the conversation he’d expected. Her obstinate ways? Did they send her away because she was misbehaving according to their desired rules of conduct? Was it because of the rumors Danny had mentioned? Or was this about the fact that she’d mentioned jumping the fence? Whatever it was, it seemed the main reason for sending her away was not about depression.

  Fury raged in Elam’s veins as he realized what this man was implying, but he did his best to hide his true feelings. He must remain cool if he was to win any favor with the bishop. If he had any chance of him approving her release. Help me remain calm, Lord.

  “I…I’m not sure. We didn’t exactly discuss that.”

  Bishop Hershberger raised a doubtful brow. “She is better off there than out in the world. If it is the world she seeks, she must remain in the institution. We sent her to a good place, not one that seeks to convert patients to modern Christianity.”

  It took all of Elam’s resolve not to burst out in anger. How could he deny her the peace that came from knowing the Saviour? How could this man have such control over another human being? He knew it was a good thing he’d left when he did, but would there have been a different outcome for Julianna if he’d stayed and spoken up? He couldn’t bide the thought of Julie being mistreated. “What would it take for Julianna to be released?”

  “Released?” The bishop’s brow shot up. Had he not heard his initial request?

  “Yes. I don’t think she’s getting the help she needs there. She’s despondent and hardly speaks.”

  “She must agree to the ways of our people. She must agree to become baptized and devote her life to our ways. We would not want her to go to Hell.” His demeanor was totally serious.

  There was no way that Julianna would’ve agreed to that if she had been anything like him when he left. There was nothing that was going to keep him in the community. But he doubted that Julianna had the fortitude to fight for anything right now—which was the reason he was here, to be her voice. Living amongst the Amish wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and it was definitely preferable to being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

  He eyed the bishop now. He didn’t trust him. He certainly had no interest in letting Julianna live under the watchful eye of the leadership here, but what choice was there? He had to come up with a foolproof plan—one they couldn’t refuse.

  Please help me, Lord. Give me wisdom to do the right thing.

  The bishop continued. “She needs to marry and settle down, but she is an alt maedel now and I fear no Plain man would want her. Especially with her…issues.”

  Elam’s heart began racing. He knew what he must do now. Could he do this? Could he go through with a plan that defied all logic and common sense? For Julianna’s sake, he had to.

  “I have a solution. It will keep her here for gut.” He took a deep breath and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. He swallowed, then met the bishop’s eyes. “I’ll make a kneeling confession and rejoin the church, then I’ll marry Julianna.”

  Bishop Hershberger’s eyes widened, then he nodded in obvious approval. “You wish to marry her?” It was apparent he considered Julianna to be past all hope of marriage and having a family.

  “I do.” He strengthened his resolve, and did his best not to question himself. “The reason I left in the first place was because I�
��d thought she would marry someone else. I couldn’t stand to see that.” It was partially true.

  “How do I know this isn’t a trick? What assurance can you give me?”

  “Bishop Hershberger, if I become Amish again and marry Julianna, I will be making a huge sacrifice. I presently own two vehicles—a truck and a motorcycle. I will have to sell those. I also have a house. And an Englisch girlfriend, I might add. I will be giving up a lot.” I’m sorry, Megan.

  The bishop examined Elam, a flicker of reticence in his eye. “You would give these things up and become Amish again?” He repeated, most likely to be sure he was hearing Elam correctly.

  Elam grimaced inwardly. “I would.”

  Mose Hershberger’s countenance brightened significantly. “Very well, then. I will make a phone call tomorrow. And you will take care of those things you mentioned, I presume?”

  Elam nodded, regret already seeping in at the realization of what he just offered the bishop.

  Question after question buzzed in Elam’s mind like a swarm of bees around a hive. What was he going to tell Megan? How would he explain to her that he’d just agreed to marry another woman—after they’d been dating for several months?

  Was Julianna even willing to marry him? Did she want to come back to the community where everyone would be talking about her? For all he knew, she might not want to have anything to do with him. After all, she’d been the one who ended their relationship. By no means did he want to force her into doing something she didn’t wish to do. And what of Julie’s folks? They’d seemed dead set against their relationship in the past. Would they approve of this ridiculous notion?

  He blew out a long breath and prayed he was making the right decision. Because any way this scenario played out, lives would be changed forever. God, I need your strength.