A Secret of the Soul (Amish Secrets--Book 6)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “Why don’t you take these groceries inside and put them away and I’ll see what the ministers want, okay?” Elam opened the door for Julianna, then handed her the few bags that needed refrigeration. “I’ll bring the rest in just a bit.”

  Whatever they had to say, he didn’t want Julie to worry about it. He grabbed the other shopping bags and watched their driver turn out onto the main road, before meeting the men at the barn.

  “Good afternoon,” he greeted cordially.

  “Elam.” The men nodded.

  Elam sighed and waited for the men to continue.

  “We’ve heard that you have not been keeping the Ordnung.”

  Elam frowned. “How so?”

  Deacon Schwartz slipped a hand into one of his pockets and nodded once. “Visiting fence jumpers, utilizing worldly devices.”

  “Worldly devices? Like what?”

  “A radio.”

  “I don’t own a radio. And if you’re talking about my CD player, then yes, I do own a CD player. And speakers.” He blew out a breath.

  Elam found abiding by the Ordnung to be very difficult and frustrating. He couldn’t stand the bondage—having every part of his life regulated. It was much easier to submit when you thought were in danger of hell fire, but he knew that wasn’t the case.

  Why did they insist on making every part of life difficult? Why couldn’t he own a CD player? Why couldn’t he visit whomever he wanted to? Why would he use manual appliances that took at least twice as long and weren’t as effective, when he could just be done with these tasks in mere minutes? It made absolutely no sense.

  “So, are you saying I have to get rid of my CD player and stop visiting Zach?”

  “Elam, you are aware of the Ordnung, are you not?” Deacon Schwartz asked.

  He sighed. “Jah.”

  “Gut. Then you understand what needs to be done.” The deacon nodded. “Good day.”

  Elam shook his head as he watched the men return to their buggies and head out of the driveway.

  He moved to pet Scramble and sighed. Sometimes he wished he could be like Scramble, oblivious to everything around him. As he petted the dog, attempting to gather his thoughts before heading into the house, his father entered the barn.

  “Was is less, Sohn?”

  Elam grunted. “If I have to leave to give my wife the proper care she needs, then I will.”

  “Elam, you can’t leave. You and Julianna have become part of the community again.”

  “The bishop is giving me no choice, Daed. I have to do what is best for Julie. If I can’t provide the treatment she needs, she’s not going to get better.”

  “What does she need?”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s almost as though they want to make things difficult for us.”

  “Not that long ago, you told me that you weren’t looking for easy.” His father met his eye. “Have you changed you mind?”

  “Like I said. I’ll do whatever it takes to get my wife well, whether the leadership approves of it or not.”

  “You are choosing a difficult path, Sohn.”

  “I don’t have a choice, Daed.” He scooped out some dog food and placed it into Scramble’s dish. “The last thing Julie needs is added stress.”

  “And you think that being in the Bann and cut off from her family will not bring stress?”

  “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

  “Then pray about it, Sohn. Der Herr will guide you along the right path.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  His father placed a hand on his shoulder. “Gut. I will too.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  “Look who’s here, Julie.” Elam held the door open for Danny and a very pregnant Tabitha. “They came to visit before the boppli comes.”

  Julianna stared at Tabitha’s middle.

  “Ach, he’s moving right now. Do you want to feel him?” Tabitha beamed as she shrugged off her coat. Danny placed it on the wall rack near the door.

  Julianna looked hesitant, but Tabitha walked to where she stood near the cookstove and grasped her hand, placing it on her abdomen.

  Julie’s face lit up and she looked at Elam, who smiled back.

  “You can feel too, Elam.” Tabitha offered.

  He shook his head. “No thanks.”

  “You will when it’s your own.” Danny grinned.

  “That’s probably a little ways off.” Elam moved to stand by Julianna. “Would you two like something to drink? A snack?”

  “Sure. Denki,” Danny said.

  “Go ahead and take a seat. We’ll be there in a minute.” Elam entered the kitchen and removed some coffee mugs from the cupboard, while Julianna poured some store-bought apple cider into a pot on the stove. He handed her the cinnamon sticks. “What did you think of the boppli?”

  Julie shrugged and dropped the cinnamon sticks into the pot of cider along with a few other spices.

  “That’s pretty exciting, don’t you think? We’ll be an aunt and uncle soon.” He smiled.

  “Jah.” Julianna nodded and Elam wondered what she was thinking about. Perhaps they could talk more about it later after their guests left.

  Elam and Julianna joined his brother and sister-in-law in the living room, handing each of them a mug of cider and a small plate of cookies.

  “This place reminds me of when Grossdawdi and Grossmammi Zook visited. I miss them.” Danny bit into his cookie.

  “Yeah, me too.” Elam sipped his cider. “That was a while ago. I’m surprised you remember.”

  “I think Tabitha and I might take a trip up to Ohio to visit them next year after the boppli is a little older. Y’all should come too.”

  Elam nodded and looked at Julie. “We’ll have to talk about that.”

  “I can’t tell you how glad I am to have you back in the community, Elam.”

  Elam smiled at his younger brother. He hadn’t fully realized all he’d missed since he’d been in the Englisch world.

  “How long you gonna be in this place for?”

  “Who knows? If the sale of the house in town goes through, then we can place an offer on the property we’ve been looking at.” Elam shrugged. “We’re not really in a hurry. It’s not so bad living next to Daed and Mamm. What about you guys?”

  “Ach, still saving up money. With this boppli on the way…we’ll see.”

  Elam still had a hard time picturing his baby brother as a daddy. It seemed like he was still just a kind himself. Responsibilities often turned boys into men.

  ~

  Like each morning, Elam awakened to a star-filled sky. The absence of an alarm clock and other electric appliances made the interior of an Amish home seem even darker than usual. He’d gotten accustomed to the extra lights in the Englisch world, but he didn’t really mind the dark.

  He turned over to begin his morning ritual, which always began with kissing his wife before his feet hit the floor. Except…where was Julie?

  “Schatzi?” he called out. He felt for the box of matches, struck a match, and lit the lantern beside the bed.

  Elam grabbed his shirt and quickly buttoned it, then pulled his pants from the rack on the wall and stepped into them, pulling the suspenders up over his chest and fastening the buttons.

  He looked to the hooks on Julie’s side. Her dress and apron still hung there. She was most likely in the bathroom.

  He walked to the bathroom and knocked, although the door wasn’t completely shut. But it was dark. “You in there, Schatzi?”

  He pushed the door open and held up the lantern. Nothing.

  “Julie, where are you? Julie?” He moved to the living room and throughout the entire house calling her name. Could she be doing laundry at this hour? He checked the basement to no avail. His heartbeat quickened. Where is she?

  He walked outside shining the light in the yard, but she was nowhere to be found. He hurried to the barn and pushed the door open. The dog came and licked his free hand.

  “Scramble, have you seen
Julie?” He patted his leg for the dog to follow. “Come on, boy. Help me find her.”

  He looked to the nearby woods and a feeling of foreboding gripped his heart. God, where is she?

  He knocked on his folks’ door, hating to wake them up at this hour. His father answered.

  “Daed, have you seen Julie?”

  “She is not with you?”

  Elam shook his head. “I woke up and she was gone.”

  His father’s eyes met his. “I’ll help you look. Let me fetch the flashlight and my coat.”

  A brisk wind picked up sending a chill. “I’m going to grab my coat too. I’ll meet you in front of the dawdi haus.”

  “Okay, Sohn.”

  A couple of moments later, they took off from the house. Elam cupped his hands and hollered, “Julie! Are you out here?”

  He waited for a moment and just listened. Only silence answered back.

  “Do you want to check the woods?” His father suggested.

  “Let’s check the road first and the phone shanty,” Elam said.

  “You don’t think she might have gone to her folks’ place?”

  “At this hour? I don’t know, Daed.” He shook his head, trying to keep his wits about him. “Why would she be anywhere right now? She should be at home in bed.”

  Scramble licked Elam’s hand, as though trying to reassure him. Could he feel his stress?

  “I could hitch up the buggy and take a drive,” Daed offered.

  “Julie!” Elam called again. Another ominous minute ticked by, each second worse than the previous. She has to be out here.

  “Where is she, Daed?” He’d found it difficult keeping the emotion out of his voice.

  His father put a hand on his forearm. “It’s okay, Elam. We will find her. Der Herr will help us.”

  Elam squeezed his eyes shut. Please, God.

  Elam felt so weak. What kind of husband was he? How could he let this happen? He was supposed to be her protector, yet he couldn’t even prevent her from leaving his side? He had to find her. If anything happened to her…

  “Julie!”

  “I’ll check the shanty. Why don’t you and Scramble walk toward the road, Sohn?”

  Elam continued on without his father, constantly calling his wife’s name. Still no response.

  In the distance he could hear a vehicle, most likely coming around one of the curves on the mountain road. A honk rang out and he heard the car screech to a halt.

  Scramble barked.

  Julie!

  Elam’s pulse raced as he silently prayed. His heart thumped in his ears, louder with each second that passed. He ran as quickly as his legs would allow to where he thought he’d heard the commotion.

  “Julie!” He called out.

  “Over here. Quick!” a male voice hollered.

  Elam ran up the hill to where the headlights were shining. He rounded the curve. Julie lay in the road, her white nightgown gradually turning a hue of crimson.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” The man kept saying. “I didn’t see her. She was walking in the middle of the road. I slammed on my brakes. I don’t think I hit her that hard.”

  Elam quickly knelt beside her and shrugged off his coat, then his shirt. He took his shirt, tore it into strips, and then wrapped it around the area on her leg where the blood seemed to be seeping out. He examined her body to see if any other area had been visibly injured, but found none.

  He stared down at her face as she lay still. “Schatzi?”

  Her eyes remained closed.

  Elam placed his fingers along her neck, attempting to find a pulse. It beat strong and he sighed in relief. But there was no telling what kind of internal injuries she might have. He leaned down and kissed her lips, then draped his coat over her body to keep her warm.

  He caressed her cheek. “Julie, can you look at me? It’s Elam, your husband.”

  “I’ll call an ambulance.” The driver pulled his phone from his pocket. “I’m really sorry, man.”

  Daed came up the road, jogging toward them. “How is she, Sohn?”

  “She’s alive.”

  “We need to move her off the road. This is not safe.”

  Elam looked up, realizing for the first time that they were in the road. It was a good thing this road didn’t see many travelers, especially at this time of day. “You’re right.”

  “We must be very careful and keep her still.”

  The driver of the vehicle approached. “I can help.”

  Elam moved to her middle section, Daed to her shoulders, and the stranger to her legs.

  “On the count of three. One. Two. Three.” Elam nodded and they carefully lifted Julianna and carried her just beyond the road’s shoulder to a soft grassy area.

  A few moments later, Elam heard sirens in the distance.

  ~

  Fortunately, the only injuries Julianna sustained were a fractured femur, which required surgery to insert a metal rod, and a slight concussion. The paramedic had said that it potentially could have been much worse and Elam again thanked God.

  Julianna’s doctor met them at the hospital and offered her advice with treatment options. It was important that Julie not receive any medications that would contraindicate any of the medications she was already on. The last thing they needed was more adverse side effects.

  Elam explained the entire situation to the doctor while Julie underwent surgery.

  The doctor frowned as Elam recalled the events of the morning. “Do you think this might have been a suicide attempt?”

  Elam stared at the doctor. He hadn’t even considered that to be a possibility. “Why would she do that?”

  The doctor shrugged. “You said that she hears voices. I’m thinking that maybe the voices prompted her. The medication she’s on is dangerous. I’ve heard some frightening stories from patients, how they’ve harmed themselves or others.”

  “She doesn’t even remember doing anything. It’s almost like she was sleeping the whole time. That’s what scares me.” Elam wove his fingers together in his lap.

  “Unfortunately, that is common. They often don’t realize what they are doing. Which is why it’s so important to find drug-free alternatives to managing her symptoms.”

  “I fear we’re not helping her quickly enough.”

  “We’re doing what we can, Elam. It will take time. You’ve seen the progress she’s made.”

  Elam nodded.

  “What I’m looking for in Julianna’s case is some kind of trigger. Did anything happen that would make her contemplate taking her life? Something out of the ordinary? She may not remember, and she may have had no intention of doing harm, but the subconscious mind can be a strong force.”

  “No, not that I can think of. My brother and his wife visited. They wanted to make the rounds before they have their baby.”

  “Have you and Julianna talked about children? Or discussed the possibility of not being able to have children?”

  Elam nodded. “She knows we have to wait before we can try.”

  “Do you think that could be a motivating factor? I know having children is a big deal for the Amish.”

  Elam sighed. “I wouldn’t think so.”

  “I think it would be beneficial for you and her to have a good long talk about it. Remember, part of coping is talking it out.”

  ~

  Relief flooded through Elam to finally have Julie home from the hospital. She hadn’t stayed long, but any amount of time in the hospital seemed like too long in his opinion.

  She wouldn’t be able to do much of her exercise regimen until she fully recuperated from her surgery. Elam enlisted his mother and sister to come over and help Julianna during the day so he could work. Her mother agreed to stay with her once a week as well.

  The doctor had said that they needed to discuss the childbearing issue and find out if that was indeed the cause of her sudden disappearance. The less Julie kept things bottled up inside, the better it would be for her health and wellbe
ing.

  Elam brought his wife her morning juice. Although he needed to work, today he’d be staying home with his wife. There was a good chance that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate even if he did show up at work.

  He sat down next to his wife on their small sofa and draped an arm around her shoulders. “Schatzi, you know that we will have our own bopplin in Der Herr’s time.”

  Tears sprung to her eyes. “But I want to give you a boppli, Elam. A sohn.”

  “And you will, Gott willing. But now isn’t the time for us. We will wait for His perfect timing, jah?” He took her hands in his. “Listen, Schatzi. The most important thing right now is getting you better. If we have kinner now, it might not be gut. We don’t want them to be born addicted to drugs, do we?”

  “Nee.”

  “We can wait. I’m not in a hurry. We will have our bopplin, okay? Just not yet.”

  Julie nodded.

  Elam moved near and placed a soft sweet kiss on her lips, holding her close. He never thought he’d be able to give this much of himself, never dreamed he could love anyone as much as he loved his wife. And the thought of losing her was unbearable.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Church had gone better than he’d expected. At first, Julianna seemed a bit confused about the Englisch customs. But, all in all, she seemed to enjoy sitting next to him during the service. At least, he knew that he enjoyed having his wife by his side.

  She sang right along with the hymns she remembered from their youth gatherings, although they’d sung some of them a bit differently. And the songs she was unfamiliar with, she attempted to follow along with in the hymnal. It thrilled Elam to see the gentle smile on her face. He hoped to see many more of those in the future.

  The pastor mentioned some of the same things he had spoken to Julianna about, so hopefully she understood the concept of those Scriptures a little better.

  They could have a nice discussion about it when they returned home. He was looking forward to a quiet evening with his wife.

  ~

  Julianna passed several doors walking through the hallway toward the restroom. She stopped. Did she just hear Elam’s name? Who knows, with all the voices that usually went on inside her head? But she’d been thinking clearly today. It was a good day. Surely, she wasn’t mistaken.