Travels With a Fairytale Monster

by Elizabeth Gannon

  “Should kick his ass at next year’s ogre reunion picnic.” The scarred girl agreed. “If he can spot him in the crowd.”

  Uriah chuckled.

  “The wrong giant!?! Bullshit!” The old man cried. “This is the thing!” He swung the torch again. “This is the creature that destroyed us!”

  The crowd cheered in support.

  “Burn him!” Someone else screamed. “Make him suffer!”

  “Hear that? Suffering.” Ransom repeated for her partner. “That lady wants you to play your little accordion thing again.”

  “She’s a witch!” Uriah cried, stepping away from his partner and pointing at her with an outstretched hand. “She’s hexing me!” He pointed at the pile of bones at his feet. “And she’s killed poor Abner!”

  Ransom giggled in amusement.

  Dom tried to step around Taylor, but she moved to block him, too afraid the mob might harm him if she wasn’t there to protect him. She still only came up to his chest though, which meant that he had no difficulty seeing the men and women arrayed against him.

  “Listen,” his voice was calm and even, “I feel bad about what you people have been through, but it wasn’t me.” He voice took on a threatening edge. “And I’ve taken all the shit I’m ever going to take from humanity.” He shook his head. “I would think long and hard about how you want this to end.”

  “Burn him!” Several people in the crowd shouted at once, evidently missing the warning and how much restraint Dom was exhibiting right now.

  A lesser man would have simply killed the stupid people as soon as they threatened him. But Dom was showing such mercy.

  He always showed mercy, because he was a good man.

  But these people didn’t deserve it.

  “I can’t believe you people!” Taylor yelled, spreading her arms wide. “There’s a war on! And you’re here, spending your time persecuting a perfectly innocent man!”

  “Yeah!” Ryle agreed. “For your information, he was destroying a completely different village last week!”

  She glared at him. “Please stop helping, Ryle.”

  “We should all be joining together to defeat the Baselanders!” She chastised. “Not turning on each other!”

  “Good Gods!” Uriah faced his partner, taking on a shocked tone. “Dove, did you know there was a war going on!?!”

  “We all need to do our part.” Ransom said with exaggerated seriousness.

  “We do, we really do.” He nodded in agreement. “I’ll go enlist right now and you start sewing bandages for our brave fighting men.”

  She held her hand over her heart. “Each and every one of them is a hero.” She deadpanned.

  The pirate put his head back and laughed, obviously loving that delivery.

  The old man ignored their mockery, Dom’s warning, and Taylor’s good advice, his eyes shining with mania. “I don’t care!” He screamed like a madman. “Baseland didn’t eat my grandchildren!”

  “Baseland’s most daring tourism slogan.” Uriah thought aloud. “’Baseland: we probably won’t eat your grandchildren.’”

  This time, Ransom broke out laughing.

  “Shut up!” Taylor snapped at them. “This is serious!”

  “I’m warning you, girl.” The old man advanced on Taylor. “This thing can’t be trusted! It’ll kill you!”

  “I’ll take my chances.” She held her ground. “Now stand aside and let us pass.”

  “Not until it’s dead.” The man gestured with the torch again, then held it over his head. “Death to the giant!”

  The crowd began to chant the words again and again.

  Dom rolled his eyes. “I really fucking hate humans.” He paused, glancing down at her. “Except you, obviously.”

  “Of course.” She nodded. “Obviously.” She pointed at the mob assembled around them. “But these people are just asking to get stepped on.”

  He nodded.

  “But don’t.” She shook her head. “Every time you do that, your burns get worse. I’m afraid you shouldn’t do it again. You might not make it through.”

  “Tay-Lore…”

  He leaned closer to her and her breath caught in her throat, her heart feeling like it was about to beat from her chest, loving the sound of her name on his lips and eager for him to get closer. “Yes?”

  “Please don’t tell the angry mob that I can’t crush them.” He gently ran his hand across her cheek. “It doesn’t make them want to kill us any less.”

  The mob advanced on them, still chanting their hateful lies about Dom.

  “They’re really going to make me kill them.” He said in amazement. “I didn’t think anyone would be that stupid.”

  Her mind raced, trying to find a way out of this. She frantically looked around the area, searching for any solution which didn’t involve Dom dying or being forced to kill these people, and possibly burning to death in the process.

  Her gaze fell on Uriah again, who was continuing to chat pleasantly with his partner. “…and then they fill the whole thing with jelly, Dove.” He finished his explanation of what sounded like a dessert recipe, no longer even pretending to care about their predicament. “It’s simply marvelous. You’ve never tasted anything better.”

  “Captain!” She yelled at him. “I’m paying you to get us to the capital!” She spread her arms wide, as if calling his attention to the fact that they were about to be burned alive. “Can you help us here!?!”

  “Ransom and I are offering you our moral support right now.” He informed her, standing a distance away from the mob. “Which is a kind of help.”

  “Do your fucking job!”

  He heaved a dramatic sigh, then glanced at his partner. “Lord but they are taxing, Dove.” He straightened his coat. “Just once, I’d like to kidnap someone pleasant.”

  “Be a welcomed change.” The girl agreed.

  “TODAY!” Taylor screamed at him again, trying to block the villagers from getting too close to Dom. “I’m trying to save their lives here!”

  Dom was seconds away from killing these villagers, and not that he didn’t have reason, but he shouldn’t have to do that.

  The man had been through enough as it was, and if there was a way to safely avoid bloodshed, she was going to take it.

  “Is this your department or mine?” Uriah asked Ransom, his voice still casual.

  “Yours, Captain.”

  He nodded. “Ah.” He waved a hand at Taylor. “Relax, relax. My clients very rarely get burned at the stake.”

  “Well…” Ransom made an uncertain face, as if about to mention something.

  “That doesn’t count.” He interrupted. “That wasn’t really a ‘stake,’ per se, it was a bonfire.” He shook his head. “Completely different.” He raised his voice. “Leave my hostage-clients alone!” He called to the mob. “I command it! In the name of… I don’t know… piracy, I guess.”

  They ignored him, their hands pawing at Dom and trying to drag him away.

  Uriah put his hands to his lips and gave a shrill whistle. “Please.”

  The mob stopped in their tracks as Uriah’s crew charged from the woods and encircled the villagers. A large bald pirate pushed the old man who was the ringleader down into the mud and kicked the torch from his hand, looming over him threateningly.

  “Yes, thank you, Dobbs.” Uriah praised disinterestedly. “Another victory for our glorious team.” He spread his arms wide. “You see?” He gestured to the scene. “What did I tell you? No one expects to be attacked by pirates on a quiet country lane. It’s a whole new market for our trade, Dove.”

  “Shouldn’t have doubted you.” Ransom admitted dryly. “Three for three.”

  He turned to look at his partner. “Do you think it would be better if it were filled with chocolate rather than jelly?” He asked her seriously, continuing their conversation about some dessert he’d once eaten, as if nothing else was happening. “I fear chocolate might be too sweet.”

  Taylor ignored them and
instead hustled Dom towards one of the barns, away from the horrible villagers and annoying pirates.

  “Are you okay?” She asked as soon as they were alone. “They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

  “Who?” He sounded puzzled. “The humans outside?”

  She nodded. “You know I would never let them hurt you, right?”

  “I wasn’t worried.” He made a face. “Just annoyed.”

  “They’re wrong.” She insisted. “I know you’d never do something like that.” She paused. “And even if you did, it would be understandable given what you’ve been through.”

  He met her gaze. “No, it wouldn’t.” He shook his head. “There’s never an excuse for killing the innocent.”

  “Even when they’re annoying?”

  “Even when they’re annoying.” He gently smoothed her hair behind her ear. “Are you okay?”

  “Me?” She laughed nervously, trying to ignore the impulse to throw herself at him. “I’m fine.”

  “I’m sorry I allowed that man to touch you.”

  “Yeah, you seemed fine with letting him do that.” She agreed sarcastically. “Right up until the time you beat him to death.”

  “No one will ever touch you without your consent.” He assured her. “I will see to it.”

  “Oh…” She swallowed nervously, feeling her skin grow hot again, as if she were standing too close to a fire. “That’s… that’s good.” She looked up at him, her entire body calling for his touch. “One… less thing to…uh…” She whispered, her lips feeling suddenly dry. “…worry… about…”

  He leaned down to kiss her and Taylor’s body seemed to rebel against her, demanding that she take advantage of him. He was still under the control of that stupid magic wand, and as long as she had it, she felt so incredibly guilty about even thinking of being with him.

  He deserved better than that.

  Better than being used.

  She somehow found the strength to step away from him. In the process she almost tripped over a bale of hay, which wasn’t the most graceful way she could have protected him from her baser urges, but at this point, she was thankful she’d been able to hold herself back at all.

  The man was just so, so hot. In both senses of the word.

  She swallowed nervously. “I… I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why?” He took another step toward her, closing the distance between them. “Why would you torture yourself like this? Torture us like this?”

  “I just… I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” She tried, the excuse sounding weak even to her own ears. “It wouldn’t be right.”

  “It feels right.” He told her in a low voice, leaning down towards her again. “It feels very right.”

  “It’s not real.” She whispered.

  “Feels real.” His lips were inches from hers now.

  Her head tilted to the side, welcoming him and unconsciously inviting him closer. “It does…” She agreed. “It…”

  “Tay!” Ryle burst into the barn, shouting her name. “You’d better…” He trailed off. “Am I interrupting something which isn’t supposed to be happening anyway?” He pointed behind him. “Because I can go away and you guys can go back to not doing anything in here.”

  “Yes.” Dom agreed in a clipped tone. “Thank you. That would be wonderful.”

  Taylor cleared her throat, trying to ignore how uncomfortably hot her skin and body were. “What is it, Ryle?”

  “You sure?” Her brother asked again. “Because I can come back.”

  “What!?!” She bit out in frustration. “Out with it!”

  Her brother jolted at her tone. “I think you’d better get out there, that’s all.”

  She swore under her breath and stalked back out into the street, already sick to death of this fucking place and wanting to get out of here. There had been nothing but trouble since they’d arrived and they hadn’t even been here an hour yet.

  “What’s going on?” She asked her brother.

  “Well…” Ryle trailed off, then gestured to their surroundings.

  Most of the angry mob which had been threatening them was currently hogtied, writhing in the mud in an attempt to free themselves.

  Which Taylor didn’t care overly much about.

  The pirates, however, were using the opportunity to sack the town. The crew was smashing the few unbroken windows in the village and were collecting whatever scant valuables they could get their greedy hands on. What they couldn’t steal, they appeared to be burning.

  Her eyes narrowed in fury, both at the carnage and at the fact that her moment with Dom had been ruined by this bullshit. “Uriah!” She yelled. “Get out here, you bastard!”

  The pirate captain glanced up from the card game he was playing with his partner on an overturned crate across the street from Taylor. “Yes?” He called. “What can I do for my favorite client and least favorite hostage?”

  “What the hell is going on!?!” She demanded.

  “Well,” he laid his cards out on the table with a flourish, “I just got a full house.”

  The hand in question was not a full house, it was simply a random assortment of cards.

  His partner frowned slightly. “Seriously?”

  “Of course.” He assured his blind companion with the upmost credulity. “Queens full of nines." He started to gather up the pot. “Looks like I win.”

  “That’s bullshit, Uriah. I think you’re cheating again.” Ransom shook her head in disgust, then held up her own cards. “Fine, what do I have?”

  He glanced at the four aces clutched in her hand. His eyebrows rose in surprise. “Uh… you were bluffing, Dove.” He casually lied after a moment’s hesitation. “But don’t feel bad, I’m sure your luck will turn soon. The night is…”

  “What is going on!?!” Taylor demanded again, storming across the street towards him. “Why are your men ransacking this town? A minute ago, everything was fine, and now they’re destroying everything!”

  “Are they?” He looked around, as if just noticing their activity. “How could you even tell?”

  Ransom snickered.

  “The town is a dump, but that doesn’t mean you can steal what little they have!” Taylor yelled at him again.

  “Who would want this stuff anyway?” He wondered aloud. “It’s all broken and dirty.”

  “This whole place smells.” Ransom added, her perfectly proportioned little nose crinkling in distaste. She picked up the cards she couldn’t see and held them up in front of her stunning but marred face.

  “It does, Dove. I noticed that too. Urine, blood and fear. Reminds me of my childhood home.”

  “Even if it is mostly ruined, that still doesn’t mean you can just take it!” Taylor protested.

  “Why?” He sounded confused.

  “Because it’s wrong!” She argued, astonished that she even needed to explain that to him. “You can’t just kill people and take their stuff!”

  “Idealists.” He rolled his eyes in exasperation, a longsuffering look on his face, as if she were being unreasonable. “May the gods protect me from those with uncurious minds.” He put his newest assortment of random cards down on the table. “Four kings.”

  Ransom turned the cards around so that he could see her hand.

  This time the girl had drawn a royal flush. “Well?”

  He did a double-take, his mouth hanging open in silent amazement for a moment. He turned to Taylor and silently mouthed: “Holy shit!,” an amused and utterly charmed look on his face. He cleared his throat to regain his composure. “Oh, I’m afraid you only have a small pair, Dove.” He set about collecting his winnings. “Tough break.”

  “Well, at least it’s something.” The girl decided, a hint of resignation in her tone. “First real hand I’ve had all night.”

  “I told you your luck is changing.” Uriah encouraged. “All you have to do is…”

  “Can you stop them from burning this place to the ground, please!?!”
Taylor shouted, trying to get him to focus. “I really don’t have time for this right now!”

  He rolled his eyes. “Why of course I will assist you in stopping all of this supposed horrible looting. I wouldn’t dream of engaging in such ghastly activity.” He assured her, getting to his feet. “Such savage behavior is really an affront to all standards of decency, isn’t it? But none of my stouthearted crew would ever do something like that. There must be some misunderstanding.” Behind him, several of his men were loading a bound man with a sack over his head into a wagon. The man’s clothes looked expensive and she could only assume that he’d soon be ransomed. Uriah followed her gaze. “Yes… that man needs urgent medical attention.” He lied smoothly. “My heroic crew has volunteered to return him to the excellent health care options and personal attention which only the Felony Forest can provide.”

  Taylor kept staring at him, then arched an eyebrow in disbelief.

  He shrugged helplessly and took on a regretful tone. “I do hate to sound coldhearted, but I’m afraid that running a criminal enterprise isn’t free and there are certain overheads which will need to be covered, should you wish to retain the services of my loyal crew.”

  “No kidnappings.” She ordered. “I mean it, Uriah!”

  He rolled his eyes and glanced over at his partner. “Quartermaster?” Ransom looked up from her cards. “Can I take prisoners on this venture?”

  “Whatever.” Ransom sounded utterly disinterested. “As long as they’ve got money.”

  Uriah smirked smugly at Taylor like he’d just won the argument.

  “Let that man go!” Taylor demanded again. “I’m not playing around here!”

  Uriah appeared to think about that for a moment. “We’ll let him go…”

  “…if you pay us.” Ransom finished for him.

  “Ten pieces of gold should suffice.” Uriah offered with coldhearted matter-of-factness.

  “Fifteen.” Ransom corrected, shuffling their playing cards.

  “Fifteen.” Uriah immediately amended the demand, not taking his eyes off Taylor. “This silly war really has caused such inflation in the marketplace, hasn’t it?” He pointed at his captive. “Fifteen pieces of gold and your beloved complete stranger goes free. Otherwise, I’m going to…”