by A L Williams
Rashawn looked aside. “Who said I didn’t care?”
I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth. What was I supposed to say to that?
We both fell silent as Izzy returned to the table and the band gathered on stage. The music started and the lights dimmed further, flooding the room with bass and the low thrum of drums. They played a song and the vocalist’s voice mingled with the instruments. The song was about regret and loss. It spoke of chances not taken and love not embraced. We listened and Izzy lay her head on my shoulder, humming in pleasure.
I looked at Rashawn, only seeing the outline of his form in the dark, but I knew he was looking at me. My skin tingled. It felt like time had halted and everything else was gone. It was just me and him. Alone in a room filled with music and want. I tried to blink away the haze that clouded my mind. The sound of the music faded to the background. My brain screamed at me to leave. It screamed at me to get as far away from him as possible, but I remained seated, held by the gaze I could not see. I sucked in air, trying to focus on the heaviness of Izzy’s head to ground myself.
Thankfully the music stopped and the lights came on, revealing his eyes locked on me, shimmering with something that made me shudder.
“Are you okay?” Izzy asked. I almost jumped out of my skin at the sound of her voice. I pulled my eyes away from her and plastered a smile on my face, hoping my face didn’t betray the heat I felt. She furrowed her brow. “You look flushed. Are you getting sick?”
I shook my head unable to form words. She watched me for a moment, and I could see the disbelief on her face, but she pulled away and stood. “I’m getting another drink. Are you sure you don’t want anything?”
I glanced at Rashawn from the corner of my eye. His eyes were on Izzy.
“Yeah, a Rum and Coke.”
She nodded and walked to the bar. I counted down the minutes until she returned, fighting the urge to look at him, knowing I would meet the same intense stare.
When she finally returned, I relaxed, taking my drink from her hand. I ignored Rashawn the rest of the night as Izzy chattered at us, her intoxication growing by the minute. The drunker she got the worse I felt. I was uncomfortable, but what was I supposed to do? Just leave her here with Rashawn? No, that wouldn’t be fair. Given their long friendship and whatever else they shared he had dealt with this many a time. It must have been exhausting.
Against my better judgement I turned to him. He looked at her listening to her every slurred word—or at least appearing to be. I could see the worry lines on his forehead and the tightness in his jaw. He was as uncomfortable as I was. He glanced at me and my heart sank at the weariness. At that moment I wanted to pull him into my arms and offer comfort. That did strange things to me. Never in my life had I wanted to comfort anyone like that, let alone a man.
“Let’s dance!” Izzy said, jumping to her feet and holding the table as she almost fell over.
Rashawn reached out and steadied her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re drunk. We should go home.”
She poked out her lip. “No. I don’t want to. I’m fine.”
“Izzy—” he started.
“I said no. If you don’t want to dance, I’ll dance with Dex.”
I shook my head. “I agree with Rashawn. You should sit or we should leave.”
Her eyes sharpened and anger passed over her features. “Fine. If you want to leave, then leave. I’m staying. I want to dance. You two can go fuck each other if you’re so desperate to leave since you seem to be buddies all of a sudden.”
I tensed at her words, glancing at Rashawn to see his reaction. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please, we’re just worried about you.”
She turned and stormed off into the crowd. Thankfully, we could still see her and she approached a man who had been eyeing her all night. “What should we do?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” He slumped.
I glanced once more at Izzy as she swayed with the man, pressed against his body. “We can let her be for now until things get out of hand with him. Trying to make her leave now would only cause a scene. We can leave in a bit. One dance won’t hurt.”
I met his gaze and he studied me for a moment... I fidgeted and waited.
“How do you know?”
I stiffened. “My mother was an alcoholic.”
He frowned and nodded. “I’m sorry.”
I shrugged, not wanting to talk about it. Those years with my mother had been difficult.
“My parents were drug addicts, which is how I ended up in the group home,” he offered.
“I’m sorry.” I internally cringed, the words sounding lame.
“It is what it is.”
The band finished and left the stage. To my dismay the lights switch to the color kaleidoscope, swirling and twisting above us. Techno and dubstep remixes of popular music came on, filling the room with loud beats and vibrations. I turned my attention back to Izzy, not wanting to make the effort to shout over the music. Rashawn followed.
Izzy danced with the same man for the rest of the night, grinding against him in the sensual way that she always carried herself. The man appeared to be enthralled by her which I could understand she had sucked me in the same way. It wasn’t until weeks past, did I realize how imperfect she actually was. I was naive. I knew no one was perfect, but I guess I was just hoping that she would be…
The guy walked over to the bar and I watched as he ordered a drink and he held the glass/ He peered around as the bartender walked away and then looked down. I jumped up, dashing over to Izzy. She gawked at me as if I had grown another head.
“What’s with you?” She asked.
“Let’s go,” I said.
“No. I’m still dancing.”
“Izzy, I said let's go.”
She took a step back and I felt movement behind me. “Is he bothering you?” I whipped around and found the guy with the glass in his hand, glaring my way. “She’s with me, buddy.
“No, she’s not. You’re not giving her whatever you slipped in that glass.”
His eyes widened. “What are you talking about?” He looked aside.
“He did what?” Rashawn appeared from behind him. His eyes were heated, and he looked like he was going to kill the man. I moved to him, not wanting to cause a scene. “Let’s go.”
The guy moved closer. “I said she’s with me.”
An instant later Rashawn’s fist was in the guy’s face and the man was on the ground, his nose bleeding. The club went silent, even the music stopped.
A bouncer walked over, glaring at Rashawn. “What is going on?”
I turned to him. “This man was trying to roofie our friend.” I pointed at the glass that had shattered on the floor.
“Do you have any proof?”
I rolled my eyes. “Unless you want someone to lick the drink off the floor no.”
He thinned his lips. “You need to leave.”
The guy stumbled to his feet. “Call the police. That nigger assaulted me!” I tensed and cringed at the word on his lips. From the corner of my eye Rashawn stiffened, but his gaze was blank.
The bouncer’s eyes widened, and rage flashed in his expression. “Get out or I will drag your ass out!”
The man didn’t respond quickly enough, and the bouncer grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him to the door. I turned as Rashawn pulled Izzy towards the exit. I followed, watching as the bouncer threw the guy out, not bothering to be gentle. The man cursed and stumbled down the sidewalk. The bouncer turned to us. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right,” I said.
He nodded. “You have to leave, too, unfortunately. Club rules.”
“We understand,” Rashawn said.
He guided Izzy to the sidewalk, and I ran after them, pulling my phone from my pocket and contacting a ride-share. “What’s your address?” I asked Rashawn as he came to a stop at the curb.
He gave me the address, not making eye contact. I could tell by
the tension in his body that he was pissed. I considered going home, but something told me he would need backup. Izzy’s behavior had almost gotten her raped. It wasn’t her fault for what that guy did, but she needed to stop this. She was a train wreck and she was going to get herself hurt or killed.
I created the trip and we waited in silence. Izzy was leaning against Rashawn, her eyes heavy from the alcohol wearing off. My heart ached as I watched the blank expression on his face. It dawned on me that this was his defense mechanism and under that mask was a man who hurt for his friend. For the woman he loved. I wanted to reassure him that everything would be fine, but I knew he had a long road ahead.
My mother had drunk herself to death and there had been nothing I could say or do to stop her. She had been sick. It took me years to understand that. I had resented her, and I had even hated her for a while. How could a mother just abandon their child like that for alcohol. She left me with a father struggling with himself, hiding behind a tough exterior? I blinked and looked down at the dirty pavement. The cool breeze wafting my cheek. Rashawn was remarkably similar to my father in that way. He hid behind his large frame and intimidating appearance.
Our ride pulled up and stopped and as we climbed in, I realized that what I knew about Rashawn was all external. I didn’t actually know him.
Who was he really?
Chapter Ten
Rashawn
My mind spun the entire way home as I sat between Dex and Izzy. She had fallen asleep against me and Dex was staring out the window in thought. The music from the radio drifted through the car as the driver concentrated on the road, obviously aware of the tension.
I focused on the upholstery, unable to wrap my mind around what happened. Izzy had almost been drugged and I didn’t even notice. I had tried to get her to leave and she refused to listen, and I was so focused on Dex, I had almost missed it. It was only thanks to him that she was okay. When Dex told me what the guy had done rage had taken over. A rage I hadn’t felt since that day…
The car pulled into our driveway and we promptly exited. Dex tipped the driver and guided Izzy to the door. I briefly wondered why he wasn't going home, but in all honesty, I was grateful. I didn’t think I could deal with the conversation on my own. Not again. I was so done.
Once we were inside, Izzy walked towards the hallway. “Wait,” I said.
She turned. “What? I’m tired.”
“You can sleep in a bit. We need to talk.”
She rolled her eyes. “Not now.”
“No. You’ll do what you always do and avoid the conversation. We talk. Now!” I said, no longer caring how I sounded. My shoulders shook with anger. Anger at the guy. Anger at myself. Anger at her, which pissed me off more because it was never the victim's fault, but I couldn't help it. She had almost gotten raped because she didn’t fucking listen.
“That wasn’t my fault!” She glared at me with her arms crossed. “Now, you’re blaming the victim?”
“For fuck’s sake!” I threw my arms in the air. “You always have to deflect don’t you? Of course it wasn’t your fucking fault.”
“That's what you’re making it out to be.”
“Yes, I’m pissed. You always do this. You get slobbering drunk and I end up having to pick up the pieces.”
“I’m a grown ass woman and you aren’t my father, boyfriend, or husband. Even if that’s what you fucking want!”
I flinched. “I’m at least your friend, aren’t I?” I shouted.
“Not right now. You’re blaming me for almost getting raped. What kind of friend does that?” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
My chest tightened and exhaustion settled over me. No matter what I said or did she wasn’t going to listen. I was the bad guy in this situation.
I looked to Dex, who I had forgotten was in the room. He met my gaze and somehow the look calmed me. He turned to her and walked over slowly. “No one is blaming you, hun. It’s been a long night for all of us. Why don’t you get some rest? Neither of you are going to come to an understanding in your state of mind. We’re all on edge.”
Izzy sniffled and nodded. Dex wrapped his arms around her and my stomach fluttered as he kissed her forehead. He really did care for her.
He pulled away and looked down into her eyes. “We are going to talk about this. If not, then I can’t continue this relationship.”
Her eyes widened and I felt a protest coming on, but instead she slumped and bobbed her head. She glanced at me, glaring daggers. She whipped around and disappeared down the hall, the sound of a slamming door reverberating through the house.
I moved to the couch and flopped down on it, leaning against the back and staring up at the ceiling. I was so tired of this. We had gone round and round in circles for years. I felt the couch move and I looked to the side, finding Dex sitting arm’s length away from me. I fought the urge to pull him close. I was feeling out of sorts.
That’s all.
Lying to yourself again?
I gripped my knee. “Thank you.”
“It’s all right. It’s been a hard night.”
I chuckled bitterly. “Yeah, and apparently now I’m a victim-blamer.” I covered my face with my arm. “How did I get here? I asked, more to myself than him.
“You’re not a victim-blamer. You’re just worried about her.”
“You don’t know me.”
“No. I don’t, but I can tell. You love–love her.” He tripped over the word “You were just angry, and I agree with you. That wasn’t her fault, but she has a problem and if she continues it will end badly.”
I studied him. “Your mother got hurt?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Alcohol poisoning.”
I tensed visibly. “She died?”
He nodded.
My chest tightened and my eyes burned. Dex reached over and grabbed my hand. I looked down, realizing I was gripping my thigh so tightly that I knew it would bruise. I stared at his hand as he stroked mine, my grip relaxing as his skin slid along mine.
I slumped, taking a moment to enjoy the contact. Touch had always been my weakness. It kept me grounded, but Izzy was the only one I shared that with. Times like this I was left alone to comfort myself. “Why are you still here?” I murmured, unsure of why I was asking.
“You needed someone to back you up. I had that conversation with my mother countless times. It’s not easy and they always find a way to deflect.” He squeezed my hand and I entwined our fingers without thinking. He looked down at where we were joined and then back at me with I found resolve.
We met in the middle, our lips join in a kiss much gentler than the first one. His tongue licked at my lips, but never pushed inside. I gasped at the tingle of pleasure at the sensual caress. It was a foreign feeling. Not even by Izzy, who preferred a more demanding approach.
He leaned in closer and I found myself pressed against the couch with him straddling me. I could feel his cock against my stomach, but he continued to kiss me as if it weren’t there. I groaned. He cupped my face, holding me in place. His lips were so soft. So gentle. Like a brush of a warm breeze at the start of spring.
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer. His cock pressed into my stomach and he moaned, the sound going straight to my cock. He never deepened the kiss, instead moving down to my jaw and then my neck. He planted little kisses along my skin, nibbling on the flesh. I thrusted my hips against him as electricity shot up my skin. I knew I was trembling. I was so used to hard fucks in the dark that my body was desperate for soft caresses. For intimacy.
For him.
He ground his cock into me and moved back to my mouth, dipping his tongue inside. He tasted me and I shuddered. I kissed him, running my hands through his hair. I took some in my fist and pulled and he gasped, thrusting more. My cock throbbed beneath him and was only growing more desperate as he rode it separated only by denim.
A loud shriek filled the room and he jerked back. We both sucked in air and I realized that was my
phone. The alarm to notify me when it was time to leave the bar was blaring. I reached in my pocket after he scrambled off my lap and I dismissed the alarm. I looked down at my cock which was now tenting my jeans, the pressure painful.
I peered up, seeing Dex in a similar condition. His face was red, and he was looking at the floor. I sighed and stood. “I’m—” I started.
“Don’t apologize. I kissed you,” he said.
I nodded, shifting from one foot to the other. My cock still hadn’t waned, and I really needed to change my briefs. It was starting to become uncomfortable.
“Listen.” Dex started. “It’s obvious there’s something between us. I’m straight. I always have been, but you—” he bit his lip. “You seem to be the exception.”
“Yeah,” I said, unsure of what else to say.
He chuckled. “A man of few words. At least when you’re not angry.”
I laughed and ran my hand through my hair. “Maybe we should slow this down. I’m not—I’m straight, too and I don’t know what this is. I’ve never wanted another man and I don’t think I’m ready to...to do things.”
“Same. Maybe we should deal with Izzy and then discuss this another time when we’re both in a better head space.”
“Agreed.”
The room grew silent until the air conditioner kicked on, the humming filling the room. “Uh, I should get home.”
I bobbed my head.
He smiled at me and pulled his phone out, typing something and then looking back at me. “Two minutes.” We stood there for the full two minutes awkwardly.
When he was gone, I leaned against the front door. What was happening to my life? I was used to Izzy’s shit, but Dex was not a part of the equation. I didn’t know how to process that. Everything was changing. I was changing, despite not wanting to admit it. I was scared and excited at the same time.
I just wasn’t sure which one was stronger.
▽
I steered the backhoe, scooping up dirt and piling at the other end of the construction site as cars dashed by on the road. My coworkers moved around, some shoveling and others driving similar equipment. The site was an empty lot of just dirt with a trailer off to one side, where Larry was looking over construction plans. I drove by several workers and scooped up another pile of dirt, repeating the previous trip.