by A L Williams
He studied me for a moment before walking over and as if he heard my thoughts he asked. “Do you want me to hold you?”
My breath hitched and I bobbed my head, afraid if I spoke, I’d cry. When had I started crying so much?
I haven't cried since mom died.
Ra grabbed my hand, leading me down the hall. He stopped and looked back. I pointed to my room. When he stepped inside, he eyed the neatly made bed with black and dark red bedding. The frame was made of metal curving in a semicircle with bars running across it. The dresser and desk matched the black of the frame.
I moved past him, tugging my shirt over my head and tossing it in the hamper in the corner. I hadn’t lived there in years, but everything was the same which spoke volumes for how unchanged my father was.
When I removed my pants, leaving my boxers, I peered at Ra who watched me. I felt naked under his gaze, so I climbed in bed under the cool sheets. I scooted to the other end of the bed, allowing him room. It was a good thing my parents had seen fit to buy me a queen bed instead of a full or twin. There was no way he would fit otherwise.
He crawled in the moonlight dancing off his dark skin, creating a blue shine on his damp flesh. He reached over and pulled me close as he lay on his back, settling my head on his chest. I didn’t fight him. Pressing the line of my body as close to him as possible. His warmth soothed away the icy chill lodged in my heart. I nuzzled his chest. “I missed this.”
He ran his hand through my hair, “I have too.” He kissed my temple. “How did he die?”
My chest tightened. “They said he overdosed on his medication.” A lump formed in my throat. “He was on Xanax for anxiety. He took all of it and then drank a shit—shit ton of alcohol. They said he was there for three to five days before a neighbor smelled something and called the authorities.”
Ra shifted me closer, resting his chin on my head. “I’m so sorry.”
“He died all alone. I had no idea he was so sad. He didn’t even tell me he was on medication.”
“Some people think it makes them weak. Especially the elderly. They came from a different time,” Ra said.
“I could have come home. I could have helped.”
“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. This is not your fault. He must have been in a lot of pain. You couldn't have known unless he told you and he didn’t.”
“I’m his son I should have known. I’m studying to be a doctor for God’s sake.”
“First of all, a medical doctor is not the same as a psychiatrist. Second, there wasn't a way you could have known. You said he was the type to bottle things up, right?” I nodded. “Well, he was obviously good at it. I know this is hard. I can’t imagine how much you are hurting, but please don’t blame yourself.”
He was right. I was being irrational, but it hurt so much. How could I have been so blind? I squeezed my eyes shut as they began to water. A hand brushed my cheek, stroking slowly. “I’m here,” he said.
“I know. It means so much to me that you are even though I’ve been ignoring you…” My stomach churned. I ignored him and didn’t even give him a chance to explain. I knew Ra wasn’t ready to come out. Having sex wouldn’t have changed that even if I wanted it to.
“Hey,” he said, lifting my chin. “Not now. You had a right to be angry, but let’s not do this right now. You need to focus on your father.” He leaned down a little and I met him in the middle. When our lips touched it was like coming home. I opened my mouth allowing him entry and he dove deep, reclaiming what was his. I shuddered and kissed back, trying to make up for lost time. He hummed and pulled away.
I whined and it was replaced by a yawn burst from my lips and he smiled. “I think we should sleep. We have to talk about this before we get physical again. Let’s not make that mistake again. Plus, we have to prepare for the funeral, right? When is it?”
“In three days.”
“All right. When all is said and done, and we return home we will talk.”
I settled my head back on his chest, sighing as his hands glided through my hair. Before I knew it, I faded away into the darkness, wrapped in the embrace of the man I loved.
Love?
I loved him.
▽
Dark clouds gathered in the morning sky, hinting at the impending storm. I sat in the passenger seat as Ra drove my father’s car into the cemetery. A line of cars followed behind as we were led by the hearse. I stared out the window with my head against the headrest as we passed wrought iron fences rusted from age along the winding drive weaving through large lawn packets with scattered gray, black, or white graves. Some were carved concrete statues and others concrete headstones embedded in the ground.
When the hearse stopped, Ra pulled in behind it, leaving enough room for them to get the casket out. I watched the trunk open. A hand touched mine and I looked at it and then up at Ra. “I can help carry if you need me to.”
I shook my head. As hard as it was, I could do that much for my father. I took a breath and climbed out of the car, the scent of fresh cut grass and rain mingled in my nose. Cousins, I’d never met, and my Aunts came in behind me as I took my place, looking ahead instead of the casket. When the others were in position, I glanced at Ra who watched from the grass. He smiled and I turned my attention back to my task.
We carried the casket to the burial plot and lowered it onto the metal frame with straps that straddled the top of the grave. I stepped back as Ra came up behind me. His hand settled on my back and I stared up at him. Other family and friends came up from behind, glancing at us and then going to their positions. Ra was touching me. In public. What did that mean?
My attention was pulled back to the funeral as the priest said his final words and funeral goers placed their roses on the casket. I walked over and stared at the shiny wooden box. I knew mom was there and now they could be together again.
A tear spilled out. I placed the single rose I held on the casket, the wind whipping and blowing a single petal away. I stepped away and stood there, staring at the casket.
It wasn’t until a man walked and turned on the lowering device that the casket dipped, sinking lower and lower until it disappeared beneath the earth. I swallowed around the lump. How could he just be gone? More tears spilled from my eyes as the sky flashed and rumbled, the clouds swishing and flowing in the sky matching the chaos inside me.
It had only been two months since I last spoke with him. He was fine and healthy. Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t he talk to me?
There wasn't a way you could have known.
I closed my eyes, shaking from the pain that surged. The last time I’d felt anything so painful was when Mom died.
Now he’s gone.
You’re all alone.
I swayed on my feet and a hand settled on my back, keeping me up right. I looked to my side, finding Ra smiling at me. He grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers. His eyes shone with so much affection my heart almost burst from my chest. “I’m here. You’re not alone,” he said, pulling me against him. Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes and relaxed into him. Allowing him to cradle me. I felt like a child. Lost and alone. If Ra hadn’t shown up, I don’t know what I would have done. I wanted him far more than I realized.
I love him.
Those words had been the final thought in my head before I fell asleep three days ago. I ruminated on them for days as we packed up the house and still was having a hard time. Nonetheless, I loved him. A single drop fell on my face as the smell of rain grew stronger.
“Let’s go before we get soaked,” he said.
I nodded and Ra guided me back to the car with our hands still joined. I wanted him in my life.
Forever.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rashawn
When we got back from the funeral, I guided Dex into the house. The entire funeral had been hard to watch. Fighting the urge to carry Dex away from his pain had been hard. I was glad it was over. I threw his keys on the coffee table and walked in
to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottled water and the leftover Chinese from the night before, heating it up and spooning it onto two plates.
When I returned to the living room, I found Dex staring at the wall. The room was bare except for the couch that he was on. I sat next to him and he turned, looking at me with a weary smile. I handed him a plate, scooting as close as I could. He put the plate on his lap and reached over, squeezing my thigh. “I’m all right. I just...I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
“I can imagine.”
“It’s so strange. I never thought about my dad dying. It wasn’t something I considered.”
“No one wants to think about their parents dying,” I said, the sight of my mother’s lifeless body on the dirty floor flashing through my mind.
Dex studied me. “What happened to your family?”
I tensed, not expecting that question.
He thinned his lips. “I’m sorry. You don’t—”
“My sister killed my mother.” I blurted.
His eyes widened. “What?”
I exhaled. “My sister killed my mother.”
He opened and closed his mouth, obviously taken aback.
“Mom was...mom was a crackhead. She didn’t start out that way. It took years of her struggling to stay afloat; to keep a roof over our heads. In the beginning we were happy. Well, as happy as a poor black family in Detroit could be then.
“She spiraled slowly over time and all of sudden she started coming home high as a kite. I didn’t understand at the time, but Tanya did. She was older than me by six years. For the most part everything was all right. At least for me. I didn’t know what was going on behind closed doors.”
Dex sat his food down on the end table and then turned back. I did the same. He placed his hand on mine and it was then I realized my hands were shaking. “One night I heard something, and I went to see what it was. I went into my mother's room and I found a man there. He was jerking off as he ordered Tanya to touch—touch my mother.”
His eyes widened further. “I—wow.”
I chuckled and pulled him into my lap. He straddled my thighs and I leaned back, trailing my hands down his body. I needed to touch him. “That’s why I was afraid to come out. Some fucked up part of me thought—thought that being bi meant I was like her…”
“How?”
“She was bi.”
Dex stared at me with a pained expression. I reached out, not wanting to ever see that look on him again. He leaned into my hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
I covered his lips with my finger. “Of course, you didn’t know. I didn’t bother telling you. You trusted me with your body. With your submission, but I—I couldn’t even tell you why. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” I sat up and cupped both sides of his face. “I never want to hurt you. I was an idiot and I will do anything to make it up to you. Please forgive me.” I waited as he watched me. My heart raced as I waited. He had to make this choice. I couldn't make it for him.
When I thought that maybe he wouldn’t forgive me he leaned in and kissed me. I kissed back. I allowed him to take the lead, my body trembling with desperation of another kind. I was afraid he wouldn’t forgive me. That I had lost him forever. He kissed me harder. His hands moved to my neck and down my biceps. When he got to my hands, he wrapped my arms around him.
He pulled away and gazed into my eyes. “I want you.” He ran his finger along my lips, sending a tingle straight to my cock. “I need you.”
I groaned, hearing the heat in his voice. He leaned in and kissed my cheek. When he moved to my jaw he bit and then soothed the spot with a swipe of his tongue. He continued to my ear, nibbling on it and then he moved to my neck. I offered it to him, tilting my chin up. He kissed and sucked, the sensation filling my cock quickly. I strained against my slacks, the erection trapped between my pants and his ass.
He groaned into my neck and started moving his hips. I grabbed at his sides, needing something to hold on to. He ground his ass into my groin, ripping a growl from deep in my throat. When he did it again my thighs flexed as my hips thrust. His body settled into sensual rolls of his hips. I clung to him as he moved, my cock begging for more. He sucked on a spot on my neck hard and I cried out as the pain jolted through me, intensifying the throbbing of my erection.
I grabbed onto the back of his slacks and lifted his ass only slightly, yanking them down. A ripping sound filled the room, but we continued. I pulled down his briefs, exposing his firm ass and squeezed. He arched into the touch, never leaving my neck. I spread his cheeks and thrust into him. His cock jabbed me in the stomach, and I released one of his cheeks, reaching between them. I pulled out his cock and stroked it, using the precum to ease the glide. He groaned and tucked his head into my neck, mouthing at it.
I stroked him as he pumped his hips into my hand. My other hand slid between his cheeks, rubbing his hole. His hole fluttered under the touch. “Oh,” he moaned. “More.” I looked around the room and then hauled him off me. He landed on the couch with his cock hard against his stomach. He gawked at me “What?”
“I’ll be right back. Take off your clothes.” I didn’t wait for him to respond instead hurrying to the room. I opened my duffle bag and fisted out the lube I had bought, thankful that I had stashed some just in case we did make up. Before I left the room, I shed my clothes and returned, finding him standing naked and hard for me. His cock glistened as he stared at me, licking his lips with so much lust that it fueled my own. I walked over, backing him into the couch. I reached out and kissed him. He sank into me as I wrapped my arms around his thighs and hauled him up and turned.
An instant later he was on my lap with his knees pressed into the cushions. My cock brushed his and I shuddered. I held up the lube. “I want you to ride me. Take what you need. Let me anchor you.” I said against his mouth, shoving the bottle into his hand.
The cap popped open and he leaned away drizzling some onto both of our cocks. He threw the bottle on the couch and then wrapped his fist around both of us. He stroked. I groaned at the slide, leaning on him and getting lost in the rush of pleasure. How could sliding against another man's erection feel so good?
He jerked us together, rolling his hips. My thighs twitched as my spine tingled. His other hand moved behind my neck and he pulled my head down, connecting our mouths together. We kissed sloppy as we chased our release. His body trembled and he let go and pressed his body to mine, grinding into me. Our cocks were trapped between us, sliding together. He threw his head back. “Yes!”
I groaned at the needy word.
Suddenly, he stopped, and he reached for the lube and poured some more into his hand. This time he coated his fingers, never breaking eye contact with me.
He discarded the bottle and reached behind himself. He kissed me again, allowing me to take over. Closing my eyes I savored the flavor I’d missed so damn much. He trembled, groaning and gasping into my mouth.
When he pulled away, and settled his head on my shoulder, I looked between us. Our cocks looked so good together, hard and weeping together.
I eyed his arm as it moved behind his body.
“Oh God,” he breathed, “I need…”
I reached behind him, feeling for his fingers until I reached his hole. I groaned, finding three of his fingers shoved in his ass. He was slick and ready for me. I pulled his hand free, slumbered on the couch, wrapping my hand around my shaft. “Ride me.”
I looked around realizing I didn’t bring condoms. “Shit.”
“When were you last tested? I was tested a month ago. The results are back at my apartment.”
“I was tested about four months ago. I haven’t been with anyone other than Izzy and she always uses condoms with her other partners.”
Dex nodded. “I trust you.” I smiled and relaxed.
He lifted himself, positioning his ass over my cock. We locked gazes, pure harsh breathing the only sound in the room and then he lowered himself.
My head met resistance, but it only lasted for
a moment as his fingers had stretched him. He slid down slowly, stopping every so often to adjust to the stretch. His cock was still hard and leaking. Before I knew it, I was buried deep.
He placed his hands on my chest palms down and took even breaths. He was so tight. He cupped my face with his hands, and we gazed at each other.
He moved.
I groaned as he rolled his hips, squeezing my cock exactly right. He threw his head back, closing his eyes. I surged forward and sucked on his neck. He cried out and rolled his hips faster. I kissed and bit every inch of his neck until there was no spot untouched. Everyone would know he was mine. I reached down and squeezed his cheeks.
“This ass is mine.” I growled into his neck.
“Yes,” he hissed, riding me harder.
Faster.
His ass rose and fell, our skin slapping together. The air smelt of sweat and cum, mingling with the scent of our dinner.
His movement grew slower and I could tell from the shaking of his body he was growing tired. I sat up and grabbed his hips and lifted him, slamming his body down on my cock He shouted. I did it again, shifting into a steady rhythm. He wrapped his arms around me, holding as I fucked up into him. Our panting bounced off the walls.
“Oh, God. Yes. More,” Dex whined.
I sped up, shoving my cock as far as it would go. He arched and his thighs trembled.
The pressure grew and I knew I was close. I reached between us, but before I could jerk him to completion, he spilled between us as a long moan left his lips. I had never seen anyone come from just anal.
I shuddered. My cock pulsed and my vision blurred. Dex’s ass spasmed as I emptied myself inside of him, thrusting deep. His cock shot jet after jet of cum onto my stomach. We rode out the intense pleasure until we both came down and slumped against each other. My cock softened and finally slipped out of his ass. I pulled him close and held him. Not wanting to disturb the peaceful silence, I hauled him up and he wrapped his legs around me. I carried him to the master bathroom and sat him on the toilet. He eyed me curiously as I turned around, turning on the bath water of the claw foot tub. I tested the temperature and then scanned the room.