by A L Williams
“People take everyone at first impression, and that’s understandable, but a little empathy would do the world some good. It turns out that cocky asshole was a defense mechanism. His father was...let’s just say that the man was the ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’ type to the extreme. It didn’t help that Larry was everything his father wasn’t.”
I furrowed my brow. “How so?”
“That’s Larry’s story to tell. My point is to keep trying. Obviously don’t stalk him. Let him have his space. Just don’t give up. I have a feeling he’ll listen when he’s ready.”
I looked down at my hands. “You don’t know that.”
Her hand covered mine. “Yes, I do.”
“How?”
“Because you are a good man with a big heart.”
“I hurt him.”
“Yes. You did, but you didn’t mean to. Did you?”
I shook my head, swallowing around a lump.
“Then stop spinning it in your head. Ruminating on what you can’t change will only cause you more heartache. Focus on the here and now.” She patted my shoulder. “That boy likes you.”
My face warmed as his wide smile flashed through my mind. Everything had been perfect. I wanted that back.
I wanted him back.
“Your sister wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.” Barbara pulled me into her arms, and I relaxed.
After my break down I had told her everything about my sister and mother. Not even Izzy knew, and I had to admit it was nice having someone know. Someone to hear me.
“You do know that what she did to her has nothing to do with how you feel about Dex?”
I clenched my jaw. “I know logically. Being bi and what they were doing has nothing to do with each other, but…”
“It makes you remember.”
“I remember when mom would bring women home. It didn’t bother me. Most of them were nice and even brought me and Tanya cookies and little gifts. We never thought twice about the fact that mom was bi.” My eyes began to burn as I exhaled a shaky breath.” It wasn’t until that night that I wondered if mom wasn’t, then maybe she wouldn’t have done that to Tanya and then Tanya wouldn’t have…” I squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. How did I have any more tears left?
“It must have been so painful with those kinds of thoughts.”
I nodded, sniffling.
“Honestly though, if she hadn’t, it could have been you.”
I tensed and stared at the floor.
“I mean it could have been you either way, but it wasn’t. Tanya was the one and something tells me she did it on purpose. She protected you from all of it.” Tears streamed down my face as I silently listened. “She was your big sister and she probably felt that it was her job to protect you. I can’t blame her. I would have done the same for my brothers and sisters.”
“It wasn’t your fault. Tanya was in pain. She needed help and she didn’t have it.”
“I could have helped her.” My voice broke.
“You were just a child. There was nothing you could have done.”
“I wanted to help her.”
“I know sweetheart and I’m sure she knew that as well. It’s time for you to move forward. For her sake. For your own sake. Don’t lose what you and Dex could have because of something that wasn’t your fault. Don’t let that bastard win.”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and turned to her, finding her regarding me with affection. She reached out and cupped my cheek. “It’s time to stop doing this to yourself.” She leaned back.” Have you ever heard of Karpman’s Triangle?”
“No.”
“The Karpman’s Triangle is the connection between personal responsibility, power in conflicts, and the destructive roles people play. The roles are Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. We are constantly shifting on this triangle in our relationships. You and Izzy are playing this game and it’s migrating into your relationship with Dex.
“Izzy isn’t Tanya. You don’t have to protect her. Maybe you did when you were kids. All you had was each other, but you're both adults now. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. She never will if you continue to be her rescuer. This will allow her to remain a victim and when you don’t do what she wants she will be your persecutor, placing you in the role of victim. Either way she has the power. You have to break that cycle.”
I looked at the floor. “I don’t know how. I’ve always taken care of her. It’s—”
“It gives you a sense of power. You couldn’t protect Tanya, so you protect Izzy.”
I clenched my jaw. The last thirty years flashed through my mind. Every sleepless night worrying about her. Every drunken mess she made. Every fight. Every night she would bring home nameless sex partners just to punish me.
“Tell me. Has she spoken to you about Dex leaving?” Barbara asked.
“No.” Izzy had been extra cheerful and touchy. Sex was the last thing on my mind, even so, she would persist in trying to get me into bed. I started having to lock my bedroom, even having to spend a few nights with Barbara and Larry.
All I wanted was Dex.
“Thank you.” I said.
Barbara smiled. “I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.” She hugged me and then patted my knee.
“How do you know all that stuff?”
“Oh, I went to school for psychology.”
I blinked.
“What? Do you think I just ran away with Larry and married him? No, I finished college while he built his business. I was a counselor at a high school for a while, but I decided that I wanted to work with Larry on his businesses.”
“Did you regret not pursuing your career goals?”
“Not at all. It made me happy to work with him and watch him become the man he is today.”
She studied me for a moment. “Always follow your heart wherever it takes you. Otherwise there’s no point in any of this. Don’t waste your life.”
My pocket buzzed, my ringtone filling the room with a shriek. I dug it out and glanced at the number, not recognizing it. “Hey?”
“Is this Rashawn?” a woman said through the receiver.
“Yes.”
“Look, I’m Ava, Dex’s coworker,” she said. I had heard her name a few times. Why was she calling me?
“How did you get my number?”
“I stole it from Dex’s phone when he wasn’t looking. That’s not important. He needs you.”
I jumped up, my heart beating a little faster. Was he hurt? “With what?”
“He got a call from a hospital back home. His father is dead.”
My heart sank and I dropped back onto the couch. “When?”
“Yesterday. He just hopped on a plane.” My heart ached for him. The urge to go was strong. Losing his father after what happened to his mother had to be killing him.
He’s still mad at you.
“Thanks for telling me, but he hasn't spoken to me for weeks. I don’t know what you expect me to do.”
She scoffed. “He has every right to be pissed at you. Who the fuck treats someone as a dirty little secret after fucking them? Not cool. I don’t like you. Know that. However, he needs you. I can tell he loves you, even if he’s not willing to admit it. Go to him.”
My heart skipped a beat. Love? I pushed that away. “I’m supposed to just show up in Seattle? I don’t even know where to find him.”
“I have his previous address. Thank the universe for emergency contacts.”
“That’s an invasion of privacy and very illegal,” I said.
“True. A girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. You two are hopeless, especially you.”
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. The woman was too much. On one hand I wanted to be there for Dex during such a painful time. No one should have to be alone like that. On the other hand, he didn’t want to see me. He had made it clear with the avoidance of my calls. I slumped.
Barbara grabbed the phone and yanke
d it from my hand. “Give me the address.” I gawked at her. “It doesn’t matter who I am. Just give me the damn address.” She kneeled in front of the coffee table, grabbed a stray piece of paper and a pen, scribbling the address on it. “Don’t worry I’ll make sure he gets there.”
When she ended the call, she tossed the phone into my lap and stood. “Well, you better get going.”
“I can’t just show—”
“That boy needs you. Go. You can offer to stay with him. If he refuses, you come back and let it go. It doesn't hurt to try.”
I exhaled and took the paper from her and stood. “You’re too much.”
Her eyes shimmered. ” Go get your man.”
▽
After ordering a plane ticket I grabbed some clothes, throwing them in a duffle bag. When I pulled up to the construction site, I made my way to the trailer. Inside Larry was lounging on his office chair, sipping a cup of coffee. When he glanced my way, a wide smile spread across his face. “Are you feeling better?”
I shook my head. Larry had allowed me to stay home from work even though we had a lot to do because he said my head wasn’t in the game. There were perks to being like a son to your boss. He even continued to pay me.
He frowned. “What’s wrong?”
I exhaled. “Dex’s father died. I’m going to Seattle to be with him.”
He smiled. “Good man. You’re a good friend.”
I looked aside and then closed my eyes for a second before turning back. “We’re not…. friends.”
He tilted his head. “Uh, you said…”
“We’re seeing each other.” I rushed out before I lost my nerve.
“Seeing each other how?”
I licked my lips. “We’re dating.” I didn’t look at him, waiting for whatever judgment he would make.
“I thought so.”
My head snapped up.
He stood there grinning and moved closer. “What? Did you expect me to call the priest and have you committed?” He walked over and stopped in front of me. “You and I aren’t that different.”
I studied him, confused by his words. Seconds ticked by and my jaw dropped. “You’re...bi?”
“Yes.”
I gaped at him even more lost and confused. I started to laugh. All that time I had been worried about not telling him. Dex’s dejected expression flashed through my mind and I stopped. I’d hurt Dex for nothing. I met Larry’s gaze. “Is that why you weren’t close with your father?”
“Yeah, he didn’t want a fag for a son. That’s not important. Get going. That boy needs you.”
“You’re not even a little surprised? I’ve only ever been with women.”
Larry shrugged. “I’m not young anymore, but I do pay attention to the community. Sexuality can shift at different times in a person's life or not at all. Everyone is different. Even if you still said you were straight, I wouldn’t question it. Sexuality is personal and only you know what you like or don’t like.”
“I’m bi.” I was bi. Even if I had ignored it for years, I was. There had been times in my life where I remembered finding a man attractive. I’d brushed it off as just being a man willing to acknowledge someone was good looking. I chuckled. My lingering gazes at pecs and ass said otherwise. I’d been an idiot so focused on Izzy that I didn’t know myself.
Larry patted my shoulder. “You better go.”
I pulled Larry into a bear hug and then stepped back. "We’ll talk later.”
He nodded. “Be safe.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Dex
I stacked a taped box on top of another against the wall, stepping back and wiping my sweat damp forehead. There was still so much to pack and I was starting to get hungry. I turned and gazed around the house that I had spent my entire childhood. It was a modest house for a family of three with standard furniture. Nothing new or designer.
The couches were old brown leather matching the wooden case that was pressed into the wall facing the couches and coffee table. I smirked at the old box television. Dad never was one for change. So, when the flat screen went on the market he refused to upgrade despite my recommendation.
My heart ached as I walked over to the case, eyeing the model cars and VHS tapes scattered on the shelves. They were his passion project and it also was how we connected. Dad and I were so different. I had never had an interest in cars or sports, but this we shared together. I loved seeing the spark of joy in his eyes as he glued the pieces together.
After mom died this was his only source of joy and the only time, he would really talk to me. I ran my hands along the smooth surface of the metal, the cold seeping into my skin. My mind filled with flashes of a time when life was so much simpler.
▽
“Like this, boy.”
I watched as Dad matched the pieces of the car up, dabbling a little glue onto one end and squishing them together. After a moment he put it down. I eyed the car only half done and grabbed another piece to match them together. I glanced at Dad When he nodded I repeated his actions and glued the piece to the car.
“Good job.”
I puffed out my chest and he laughed. “Don’t get cocky boy. It’s not done yet.”
I grinned and refocused on the pieces before me.
“It’s lunch time!” Mom called from the living room.
▽
I took a step back and scanned the room as the memory faded, exhaustion settling over me. The overwhelm had only increased since I arrived. How was I supposed to do it alone?
A sudden knock pulled me from my thoughts. I walked to the door, opening it and froze. Ra stood before me with his face downcast. “Hey,” he said.
I opened and closed my mouth like a fist. “How did—?”
“Your friend Ava is pretty persistent.”
Making a mental note to call her, I crossed my arms. “What are you doing here? This is not the time.”
“I know. I’m not here for that. I’m here to help you.”
“Help me?”
“No one should have to bury their father alone.”
Tears welled up and I blinked them away. ” I’m fine.”
Please stay…“I have this covered.” Please help me...
Ra stepped closer slowly, giving me time to move. I didn’t. I tilted my chin up to meet his gaze and a gasp fell from my lips as his eyes shimmered with so much pain and empathy, I almost broke right then.
“You’re not fine. If you really want me to leave I will, but I want to help. I’m sorry. I was wrong. You have every right to be angry. There doesn’t have to be an us. All I want is to be here for you. Please let me be here.”
I trembled and before I could form a thought my body clung to him. I felt myself move and the door click shut. He wrapped his arms around me. He held me and I pressed my face into his chest, inhaling the scent I had missed so much. I relaxed as his presence calmed me. We remained like that for an undefined time. For the first time since I stepped off the plane, I felt anchored to reality.
When I stepped back, I sniffled and met his gaze, “Thank you. We can talk about...us later.”
Ra nodded. “What do you need?”
“The house has to be packed up and everything that isn’t being auctioned, to cover the remaining bills, need to be put into storage until I figure out what to do with it all.”
Ra nodded, dropping his duffle bag to the floor by the couch and walking over to the empty boxes, grabbing two. I followed him into the kitchen and kneeled in front of the cabinet. It was clear he knew what he was doing because he was nesting, putting pots and pans in boxes, organizing them to optimize the space. “I’ll order some pizza, the usual?” I asked.
He glanced over his shoulder with a smile. “Yeah.”
I hurried out of the kitchen, pulling out my phone. Once I was done ordering the meat lovers extra-large pizza I stuffed the phone back in my pocket. My mind went back to our first date when we joked about pineapple on pizza. Every date after he would threaten t
o order one. I smiled, my chest tightening. He came. I was still hurt, but it felt so good to have him. I had missed him so much.
Grabbing a few empty boxes, I made my way to the guest room and began packing. By the time the room was half-packed, the pizza arrived. I carried the huge box into the kitchen and gawked at the stacked boxes. The doors of the cabinets were open, and they were all empty. I’d only gotten half the guest room packed and the kitchen had far more in it.
Ra turned to me. “Great, the food is here. I’m starving.”
I looked at him and then turned, putting the box on the counter. “He really is a God.” I muttered to myself.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
We ate in silence as the sky grew dark. Once we were done, I put the pizza box in the refrigerator. We made our way to the guest room and finished in half the time I would have myself. He was a hard worker. I glanced at him as he carried the box out the room, sweat glistening on the back of his neck. My cock came to life at the urge to lick it.
I shook my head. I was mad at him and yet I wanted to crawl into his arms, tossing myself in him.
When he returned, I stood. “I think that's enough for the night.” I cracked my neck.
“Do you mind if I take a shower?”
“No.”
I grabbed a towel and led him to the guest bathroom, closing the door as the shower turned on. I dropped onto the couch, my body screaming at me to join him. I picked up my phone, scrolling through my apps as a distraction.
Twenty minutes went by before the shower turned off and he came out. “Where am I sleeping?”
I stood and turned, having the air knocked out of me at the sight of his bare chest, sprinkled with drops of water from the shower. He wore sweats that rode low on his hips. I wet my lips and looked up at his face. He watched me with heat in his eyes.
“Uh…You can sleep in the…” I trailed off, unable to get the word out. Guest room was the appropriate answer. I still needed time. However, most of all I needed him. Sleeping alone in the room I spent my childhood...I couldn’t. I needed his body next to mine if only for one night.